Sexy Veeky Forumstorical facts

which historical figure had the best titties?

have another from Herodotus

the setup here is that the architect who built the pharaoh's treasury made it with a design flaw only he knew about and he told it to his two sons on his deathbed. The sons robbed it a few times but the king decided to set traps in there which one of the brothers gets caught in, he tells the other to chop his head off so they wont recognize his body and destroy the whole family. The king then hangs the body from the walls and tells his guards to arrest anyone mourning in front of it. The thief's mother commands him to find a way to get the body so they can give it a proper burial and he devises an elaborate ruse to get the guards drunk and cuts down the body, then this

>When the king learned that the body of the thief had been taken, he was beside himself and, obsessed with finding who it was who had managed this, did as follows—they say, but I do not believe it. [2] He put his own daughter in a brothel, instructing her to accept all alike and, before having intercourse, to make each tell her the shrewdest and most impious thing he had done in his life; whoever told her the story of the thief, she was to seize and not let get out. [3] The girl did as her father told her, and the thief, learning why she was doing this, did as follows, wanting to get the better of the king by craft. [4] He cut the arm off a fresh corpse at the shoulder, and went to the king's daughter, carrying it under his cloak, and when asked the same question as the rest, he said that his most impious act had been when he had cut the head off his brother who was caught in a trap in the king's treasury; and his shrewdest, that after making the guards drunk he had cut down his brother's hanging body. [5] When she heard this, the princess grabbed for him; but in the darkness the thief let her have the arm of the corpse; and clutching it, she held on, believing that she had the arm of the other; but the thief, after giving it to her, was gone in a flash out the door.

:^)

That's some fucking hentai level shit

>believing this rubbish
wew

Anybody have the story by a Muslim chronicler who had a crusader knight see his shaved balls, and asked the narrator shave his own balls, and then his wife's?

His wife's vagina, I meant

...

Another classic Herodotus:
The foulest Babylonian custom is that which compels every woman of the land to sit in the temple of Aphrodite and have intercourse with some stranger at least once in her life. Many women who are rich and proud and disdain to mingle with the rest, drive to the temple in covered carriages drawn by teams, and stand there with a great retinue of attendants. But most sit down in the sacred plot of Aphrodite, with crowns of cord on their heads; there is a great multitude of women coming and going; passages marked by line run every way through the crowd, by which the men pass and make their choice. Once a woman has taken her place there, she does not go away to her home before some stranger has cast money into her lap, and had intercourse with her outside the temple; but while he casts the money, he must say, “I invite you in the name of Mylitta”. It does not matter what sum the money is; the woman will never refuse, for that would be a sin, the money being by this act made sacred. So she follows the first man who casts it and rejects no one. After their intercourse, having discharged her sacred duty to the goddess, she goes away to her home; and thereafter there is no bribe however great that will get her. So then the women that are fair and tall are soon free to depart, but the uncomely have long to wait because they cannot fulfil the law; for some of them remain for three years, or four. There is a custom like this in some parts of Cyprus.

I'd be the dope who feels bad for the ugly one and sleeps with her.

>tfw you will never live in the ancient near East
>you will never be randomly chosen to sleep with a beautiful stranger
Why even live?

I'd be praising God after that.

>Cassius Dio reported that Elagabalus would paint his eyes, epilate his body hair and wear wigs before prostituting himself in taverns, brothels,and even in the imperial palace:

>Finally, he set aside a room in the palace and there committed his indecencies, always standing nude at the door of the room, as the harlots do, and shaking the curtain which hung from gold rings, while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by. There were, of course, men who had been specially instructed to play their part. For, as in other matters, so in this business, too, he had numerous agents who sought out those who could best please him by their foulness. He would collect money from his patrons and give himself airs over his gains; he would also dispute with his associates in this shameful occupation, claiming that he had more lovers than they and took in more money.

>Herodian commented that Elagabalus enhanced his natural good looks by the regular application of cosmetics.He was described as having been "delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the queen of Hierocles"

Holy fuck. Why is there no good historical porn out there? I need porn, drawn or not, with girls in accurate period clothing and not doing anything too anachronistic right fucking NOW.

The disciplined man can use his imagination.

Who are you to cast doubt?

Ezekiel 23 is a personal favorite bible chapter of mine, the whole book really is great for reading aloud to others in a booming voice because of all the long winded speeches god gives where he's just a dick to everyone. But have an excerpt that's not about that.

>16 As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. 17 Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. 18 When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

I think I may get Ezekiel 23:20 on my tombstone

>There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
You would want this on your tombstone? What the fuck is wrong with you?

The bible has a lot of weird stuff

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar; and he dwelt in a
cave, he and his two daughters.

31 And the first-born said unto the younger: 'Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth.

32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.'

33 And they made their father drink wine that night. And the first-born went in, and lay with her father; and he knew not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

Claudius' wife Messalina was a slut who slept with basically anyone with a dick and a pulse. As the infamous storygoes, one day she decided to have a contest with a prostitute to see who could sleep with more men over a 24-hour period. Messalina won with a score of 25. If you believe Juvenal, she also worked incognito in a brothel.

Her love of cucking her husband was such that, while Claudius was away, she decided to marry her current lover, a Senator named Gaius Silius. This led to her assassination and Claudius' eventual marriage to Aggripina the Younger so the subsequent years of shit for the Roman Empire are the direct fault of a slore being unable to not spread her legs for one day.

Also along the same lines, Augustus' daughter Julia was notorious for sleeping around and being a pretty huge slut with men of all ranks and class. Though the difference is that unlike the scheming succubus Messalina, Julia was generally described as kind-hearted and charming... she just really, really liked to get laid.

Achilles teenage son Neoptolemus taking Hectors wife Andromache as a concubine.

The Romans really had some nasty hardcore shit. If I remember, there was a story about some Roman emperor who fucked all the senator's wives and later they all told their husbands about it.

Religions/Science
Incest happened. Moreover scientifically it takes place each time two people fornicate.

why wouldn't you?

...

Because I'm not a total degenerate who would want to have a mockery on his tombstone?

why do you care what your tombstone says, you'll be dead

Don't forget how one of them names their incest son "Moav", which is literally Hebrew for "from father."

>mfw I remember reading all of these passages in herodotus and the bible
>mfw I masturbated almost immediately after reading them

Man, I wonder how God must feel about people using his sacred word as pornography.

You know this sort of shit was basically Pizzagate, right?

>you will never waggle your willy for the duchess

The amount of sheer unhinged carnality going on in the French Royal Court must have been un goddamned believable.

>being such a degenerate that you can't even feel stimulation in your nipples
Hot.

Most of these are exaggerated, like all historical picanteries.

>exaggerated

They are made up entirely in most cases. Wouldn't be much of a thread otherwise

Well, according to Wikipedia, Theodora gave up that lifestyle and moved to north Africa at the age of 16.

god doesn't feel anything because he's not real

the story about Lot's daughters was literally made up as slander to rival tribes, as the two children conceived from this (moab and ben-ammi) were said to be the patriarchs of the moabites and the ammonites.

>our holy book says you're descended from a daughter fucker

Someone post Anne Frank's diary

> not the edited one, either

My 16 year old told me about reading that shit in class and I pointed him towards the original. His fucking brain melted.

>having children

Ancient world was worth it brehs. Fuck modernity I'm willing to risk it just to live in those times

Ottoshit propaganda

>my wife's son

>having a literal whore as your empress

Lmao byzziecuck

Also holy shit i just found out that she's apparently an Orthodox saints too

Greeks are well know cowards and cucks, and effeminate as well. It's why they lost so much lands.

This is erotic fanfic

Schopenhauer was a whiny bitch.

Fuck off Procopius

and anyone who reproduces has doomed the person they supposedly love to suffer and die for their own vanity

He said that about the Emperor

Julius ceaser lol

Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died in the middle of fucking his mistress.

Rockefeller died on January 26, 1979, at age 70 from a heart attack. An initial report had incorrectly stated that he was at his office at Rockefeller Center working on a book about his art collection, and a security guard found him slumped over his desk. However, the report was soon corrected to state that Rockefeller actually had the fatal heart attack in another office he owned, a townhouse at 13 West 54th Street in the presence of Megan Marshack, a 25-year-old aide. After the heart attack, Marshack called her friend, news reporter Ponchitta Pierce, to the townhouse, and Pierce phoned an ambulance approximately an hour after the heart attack. There was some speculation in the press regarding the possibility of an intimate relationship between Rockefeller and Marshack. For example, long-time Rockefeller aide Joseph E. Persico said in the PBS documentary about the Rockefeller family "It became known that he had been alone with a young woman who worked for him, in undeniably intimate circumstances, and in the course of that evening had died from a heart attack."[

Bible is great book. And was completed over course of centuries so it's not surprise that sexuality is touched sometimes. Sometimes as a part of story, sometimes as a moral lesson.
But I liked very much part where it was used as a banter:
But they answered as young men, and brought up with him in pleasures, and said: Thus shalt thou speak to the people, that said to thee: Thy father made our yoke heavy, do thou ease it: thus shalt thou answer them: My little finger is thicker than the loins of my father.

If you don't catch it, king Roboam was told by his friends to tell delegation of ten tribes that his finger is greater than dick of his father so they can all go to hell. And he did and tribes were so BTFO that they REE'ed out of united monarchy.

Within months of liberation, female prisoners at Bergen-Belsen concentration camp experienced a skyrocketing birthrate on account that they became horny as fuck after being nursed back to health and were hopping on the rod of every Allied soldier they could get their hands on.

>ywn be an American soldier from Hicksville, Mississippi who would normally never have a chance in Hell to land a nice Jewish girl and have a nine month pregnant Anne Frank slobber your knob while you casually browse through her diary to get to know her better.

h-hot.

Someone post that preggo Anne Frank art based drawfag did last week, I forgot to save them.

Need source on this image

>[Mario] Oidemase... (Otokonoko HEAVEN Vol. 30) [English] [mysterymeat3] [Digital]

Thanks a lot friend

Caligula iirc
his plan to raise government funding was to employ senators wives in public whorehouses

Yeah? And who says I loved the bitch?

there's this themed
the only girl is girl(male)
Rome by jjfrenchie
bigdongsandcutethongs.tumblr.com/post/137089325212/trap-hentai-here-rome-by-jjfrenchie

Unfortunately that story is fiction.

>Once source
>Literally all other accounts of the time draw from this one source

This is why ancient historical texts are usually a joke.

well damn

1. What if you both want kids?
2. Who gives a shit
3. With an ugly mug like that he was just bitter

That was one of the things Caligula was accused of doing I believe. He would have Senators throw him banquets, then go and fuck the Senator's wife while the Senator knew what was happening but was powerless to do anything because, well, it's the emperor. Then they'd come back and Caligula would tell the husband in detail about how he'd fucked her.

what thoughts were they trying to portray through this?

Fuck off Mangum, I don't need this shit.

Sauce for the pic? Reverse search turned up nothing

>that webm
D-do you think they've "practiced"?

No seriously though at that age that's fucking weird.

So do these rich and powerful types just get off on slumming it or something? Surely you'd be able to get with someone a little nicer at that level. You'd undoubtedly have your choice of pretty college gold diggers.

>Cleopatra was loved by the Egyptian not only for her beauty but also for her sexuality. On one occasion Cleopatra is recorded as having performed fellatio on (sucked the cocks) one hundred Roman nobles in one night. The Egyptians not only accepted this but also highly praised that. To become a high priestess of Aset the women first have to sex with at least one thousand different men (here I wish to emphasize different men). Cleopatra expert this less than a week that is within ten days (a week in Egypt is of ten days duration).

Am i seeing what i think i'm seeing?
Are those those his two daughters being lewd af with each other?

When you're a dying old man, that looks pretty good.

Plus, when you're in politics, a discreet but average-looking lover is better than a 10/10 who is trying to use her relationship with you for social advancement. Keeping this stuff secret is a pretty big deal unless you want to risk a scandal.

Who was more lewd, babalyon or eygpt?

nhentai.net/g/187365/

thanks

I do

Egypt.

This is a culture where normal female clothing was either translucent, or looked like pic related.

Babylon

Related and not too bad: exhentai.org/g/1014638/35af500fe0/

Louis XVI may have had phimosis, which made having kids difficult for a while.

As someone who had adult circumcision for phimosis, I wonder how he dealt with it. The surgery is a bit iffy today, even though you rationally know that it's extremely unlikely that something will go wrong, but I imagine back then there'd be a number of potential problems.

Catherine the Great had a palace full of furniture carved with little sculptures of tits, penises, and people fucking.

Shut up. Everything is better. If you lived in the past you had a 100% of dying from Black death in infancy. Now go watch your porn like a good goy.