Veeky Forums tells bible stories

>be me
>be noah
>old as shit
>god comes down to me
>"listen, all these guys aren't following my rules, plus i made fucking giants n sheit. you have 120 years to get some wood and build a huge ship so I can BTFO the whole world!"
>build the ship with my kids
>warn everyone that they're about to get wet af
>no one goes on my cuck shed because I sound like a schizo
>cry
>now it's finally time for the Flood
>get me and all six million animals on within a few minutes
>3,2,1 gotta blast
>rain starts coming down faster than when I nut to my son's aryan qt3.14 wife
>people start screaming in the background
>hear babies and kids screaming for their moms
>laugh at normies having "feelings"
>everyone dies and the rain stops
>send out a dove
>it comes back because it's a little pussy
>beat the shit out of it and send it out, it doesn't come back
>water finally goes away
>get out of the ark and there's this weird fag arch in the sky in front of me
>"Noah, sorry for the PTSD, here's a pretty colorful RAINBOW to make up for it
>now fuck a lot and have kids see ya later pal"
>mfw nigger kid tries to fuck me when I finally take a load off

This get's 10/10 rosary.

>Be me
>Be petty warchief David
>Warband is made up of mostly volunteers, my boys from the old hood at Hebron, and they follow me cus we're all related and shit
>Win several skirmishes and small battles against the Philistines
>Saul, the present king, tries to buy me off by marrying me to his daughter
>Become bros with one of his sons, Jonathan, an obvious homosexual devoted to me
>Opportunistically try to seize the newly formed throne of Israel using Jonathan
>Get BTFO and exiled into the hill country and backwater of Judah
>Have to literally steal from God by eatening the leavened bread to survive
>Rally and regroup at my power base in Hebron and wage a brushfire war against Saul while he battled the Philistines
>Few months later find out Saul got BTFO by the Philistines
>His cousin and commander in chief defects to my side
>One of his sons yet lived, some teenage faggot named Ishbaal who had no balls
>Have him assassinated by promising two of his captains a reward for murdering him by beating the shit out of him
>Have them killed to silence them and my complicity in the matter
>Seize the throne and instruct my scribes to paint Saul as a giant piece of shit and me as the savior of Israel

>Be me
>Be scheming asshole, beta brother Jacob
>Daddy Isaac is a blind fuck and won't fuck off and die already
>He gonna give all our goats and slaves and shit and leadership of the clan to my elder brother Esau
>Esau is a fucking Chad, even though we're twins, it's like we don't even have the same genes
>Esau goes off hunting ibex and farting in his loincloth but he fails to find anything
>Comes back hungry as fuck like the mindless brute that he is
>He wants some of my delicious stew I've been making all day
>Asks whats a fair trade for it
>Gimme dat birthright nigga
>He laughs uncontrollably and says OK lil bro, wink wink
>Later I find out Daddy wont give me his birthright
>FUCKING DAD REEEEEEEE
>Mommy loves me more because I help around the camp and get GBP
>Helps me trick dad into giving me his blessing by wrapping lambskin on my forearms
>He falls for it, the dumb faggot
>See bro go into the tent
>Retard totally forgot about our pact
>See bro come out and run my way with a knife, screaming at me
>WTF

the bible in its entirety:
>be god
>be omnipotent
>be omnisapient
>here's the holy book of how things do not happen the way I would like them to happen

Jacob is TRULY the first Jew.

>be Lemao from Ai
>just chilling
>plenty of lifestock
>plenty of goods
>pray to the gods and have comfy orgy
>suddenly you hear trumpets
>get Columbine'd by some Jew nerd named Josh while he autistically yelled something about putting blood on the horn of an altar and a tent

Honestly why does the Bible glorify treacherous, immoral assholes like David and Jacob? Does that explain Jewish character?

Well told. Kudos for not having Abraham jew God down to 10.

Pretty sure that was a South Park episode.

The bible tells the truth about people, warts and all. As opposed to virtually every other ancient society where the leaders always were deified.

>be Ehud
>picked by God to be a judge over Israel
>be left handed
>wrangle meeting with fat paranoid wicked king
>make shank, strap down left thigh
>mfw they pat down my left side, and not my right
>lean in to whisper to king super secret knowledge
>bury shank in fat king's guts entirely
>run out window
>his helpers don't come in for hours
>the smell is so bad they think he shit his pants
>mfw I get away and lead my country to overthrow foreign assholes
>killing 10,000 soldiers is fun

>be rabbi
>see a fig tree
>damn fig tree, yo leaves so fine, you blow my mind
>inspect it further
>it has no fruit
>have autistic fit

>be Jewish king after last guy was blown up
>restore Baal altars and Asherah pole because I mean what's the worst that could happ-
>get blown up
>repeat endlessly

fig tree shouldn't have been flaunting its leaves like that if it didnt have the fruit to back it up pretty much just asking for it at that point

>write story about a talking snek
>people believe in it
Lol
>people still believe in it thousands of years later
LMAO!

>Be me
>Be Abraham
>Go to bed after a long and exhausting day of herding sheep and goats and cattle
>Put my dear son Isaac to bed
>Such a good lad, I love him so much
>Have dream where an angel instructs me to sacrifice Isaac on a mountain
>What.deadseascrolls
>God you can't be serious
>Nigga, you deaf?
>Wake up in the morning and tie my son up
>Begrudingly climb up mountain with son in tow
>About to do the unthinkable, knife already in the air
>Angel of the Lord appears again
>HOL UP BRAH ITS JUST A PRANK
>Starts yelling at me in Hamitic jargon
>What the fuck nigga you wildin, about to sacrifice your own son and shit, you gotta chill nigga and stop taking yourself so seriously

I love this thread

>I told him to kill his own son and he actually did it the absolute madman

>Be me
>Be Elijah
>Current king of Isreal so fucking beta
>Wife has him abandon the god of his fathers for Fucking Ba'al Canannite god of rain
>Executes true men of god and invites Ba'al prophets to her table
>tells king to stop being such a cuck and ditch the degenerative foreign whore
>he refuses
>Fine drought for seven years see if Ba'al helps you then
>the irony is delicious
>King demands for my head
>hid in the desert
>food brought to me everyday
>Laugh at foolish king and whore wife
>Seven years later
>show to king's doorstep to continue to laugh at him for being beta-fag
>challenge Ba'al's prophets to a dick measuring contest
>showdown at mountain
>day comes
>400 prophets arrive
>as does Isreal
>Ba'al is a pussy can't even smite offering
>prophets accept challenge, fail miserably
>continue to kinkshame them and Ba'al
>some even commit suicide
>lol small dick
>my turn
>call roaring fire in 5 seconds
>my dick is huge
>Isreal sees
>tell them their dicks will grow if they kill all of Ba'als prophets
>they do so
>so fucking alpha

>Be Samson
>Be swole af Judge of Israel
>Phillistines are total dicks but have smoking hot women
>Phillistines try to fight me but I merc those fools using a fucking jawbone
>make shitty pun and run away, also kill a Lion and there's some honey or some shit
>Spot Qt 3.14 Phillistine bitch mirin
>Manage to not speed out and she lets me smash
>She gets nosy
>Suspicious, but gentile pussy is so good I give in and tell her
>Bitch betrays me and has the Phillistines cut my sweet dreads
>Gets dragged away, Phillistine heathen priest gouges my eyes out
>Everything is black, Hear Phillistine faggots around me laughing
>Pre workout kicks in, manage to knock down some pillars
>Rocks fall on me
>oof owch oooh my bones
>just wanted some sweet Phillistine pussy

*sperg out

>be me
>Philistine farmer outside of Gath
>be, like, six inches taller than the rest of my village
>king comes by on his way to war with some other shit tribe inland for some shit valley I've never heard of
>drags me from my farm and recruits me
>says that I'll help "keep morale up" or some shit
>whatever, gold is gold
>they get me armor that's like three sizes too small
>is there seriously nobody as tall as me on this side of the Yarqon
>want to wear my sandals, king gives me a pair of bronze greaves with boots
>wtf is this shit
>want to complain, but muh morale advantage
>w/e, at least I'm getting paid for this shit

>two weeks later
>arrive at the shit valley
>shit tribesmen are there
>they're dancing around, blowing fucking ram-horns and praying to their shit-tier god that they don't lose
>seriously, they worship a fucking wooden box that they keep their king's grandpa's shit in or something
>the king comes up to me
>says "it's time for you to intimidate our foes into submisison"
>whymebaal.stele
>put on ridiculously small armor
>go up in front of the armies
>tell them to send a champion to best me in single combat
>nobody shows up
>do it again later that day
>they say they'll send someone this time
>ohshit.cuneiform
>thank Baal, it's just some sheeptard manlet
>draw my sword
>three
>two
>one
>OW
>FUCKING BAAL
>THE LITTLE SHIT THREW A ROCK AT ME
>RIGHT IN THE FACE
>I THINK HE BROKE MY NOSE
>FUCK
>try to chase after little Dickhead bar Douchebag
>can't run in my shitty greaves
>trip
>fuckme.basrelief
>all the Hebrewfags are laughing at me
>go back to our lines
>king is pissed
>doesn't execute me, thank Dagon
>doesn't pay me, though
>we retreat the next day,
>mfw the little kike becomes king of his shit tribe
>mfw he says he killed me and cut off his head
>mfw everyone believes him
>mfw they write a fucking book about it
>mfw everyone buys into his shit for two millennia

Philistines were Canaanites, like the Hebrews. Their files were in image.abjad.

>be magic cuck child
>posse be mirin
>niggas be hungry
>niggas gettin unruly
>superposse asks what do
>tell them to go collect
>only one niglet's mom was bright enough to pack lunch
>niglet gracefully hands over stale ass bread and vagina animal
>superposse brings back
>ask real pops for help
>he actually comes through, feeds my posse
>I now look like a God

>Be me
>Ezekiel
>Kikestan a big shithole
>Rabbis are shit tier and a buncha human sacrifice
>Have a seizure
>Woah.claypottery
>See local God Yaweh
>Yaweh is deleting his Civ file but keeping some cool NPCs
>In order to do that, I have to literally eat shit
>Also my wife is dead
>Also my friends are dead
>Also Yaweh is killing good NPCs too
>Also the children are being eaten by their parents
>And God is destroying everything with kaiju
>And creating a skeleton army
>And forcing me to construct a clay Jeruselem and throw rocks at it inb4 that happens

>be Hilkiah, chief priest in the time of king Josiah
>book of laws does not give enough benefits and rights to priests
>write additional book in the style of the previous four, giving new laws
>renovate the Temple, "find" the fifth book
>present it to the king
>king has a hissy fit over having been an unwitting goy all these past years
>it's okay, YHWH will only punish some later generation for it, because the hissy fit of the king softened his heart.

>be Joseph
>marry this qt blondie waifu
>save her for the best day
>suddenly she tells me she's pregnant with a ghost
>she will give a virgin birth to the son of god

>Be older brother
>Younger brother is weakwilled and inclined to wild living
>Loves his prostitutes and wine
>Meanwhile I pray and help around the farm
>One day, younger bro asks dad for his share of the inheritance
>Dad gives it to him
>What the fuck
>Don't hear from brother for a while
>Occasional clay tablets with crude imprints of female genitals arrive with the tax farmer's bills, signed with his name
>On the back it would say, "Brother, Aegyptus is amazing!"
>Hide mail from dad so they don't break his heart
>A year later see a bum walking up the road to the farm
>Gonna teach this faggot to steal from me
>About to beat him with a cudgel when I see dad run up to the bum and start hugging and kiss him
>WTF
>Dad orders our servants to prepare a feast and kill the fattened calf I had been taking care of so I may eat it during my wedding party
>Bum turns out to be my brother, having gone broke after whoring and drinking
>Assblasted that dad would fuck me over like this
>I fucking hate little brothers

>Be me
>Be Joseph, son of Jacob
>Daddy has two wives
>Have ten half brothers and one full brother, but Daddy loves me the most
>Gives me a colorful jacket made of many colors, probably more expensive than all my brothers' belongings combined
>Have dreams about mom, dad, and my brothers bowing down before me
>Tell them about the dreams, Dad is concerned, brothers get assblasted as fuck
>Out in the fields near Dothan one day, tending sheep
>See my brothers all walking to me
>Oh hey gu-
>They start beating the shit out of me
>One of them takes my jacket and starts pouring blood on it
>Then they start talking about murdering me
>My brother Reuben suggests they throw me in a hole in the ground
>Stay down there for a day, beat as fuck and bleeding
>Later, the hole opens
>Oh thank G-0
>A bunch of my brothers sell me to these filthy, boy-loving Arabs
>Eye my boipucci with hungry eyes
>Sell me for 20 pieces of silver
>Mfw

>Be me. Beta male, momma's boy.
>Steal my brother's birthright for soup
>Steal my brother's blessing with soup
>Really love soup
>Run away because beta male and soup loving bro is swole
>Work 7 years for uncle. Get ripped off.
>Marry pretty girl. Get ugly girl.
>Work another 7 years for pretty girl.
>Threesomes erry night.
>Hot one barren, ugly one preggers.
>Hot one gives me her handmaiden to bone.
>Ugly one gives me her handmaiden to bone.
>mfw I have kids from all four
>mfw I cheat my asshole uncle out of his flocks
>mfw I bribe my bro not to kill me.
>Then one day God shows up and wants to rassle.
>Rassle God. Hold my own.
>He cheats, I lose, but holy shit, rassled God and lived.
>mfw people forget my name
>it's Trickster

>the rascal as hero
Jewish morality everyone

The Bible doesn't glorify David because he's an treacherous, immoral asshole. David's story is the way it is because he literally had the scholars of the time change it. Look at all the obvious, moralizing bullshit in there. In reality, is probably closer to what really happened.

men have free will

>be Dinah, daughter of Jacob
>be member of close-knit wandering sheep-herding family
>great-grandfather fucked his half-sister
>grandfather fucked his first cousin
>father fucked two of his first cousins
>I have 12 brothers
>did I mention that we're all wandering nomads and there's nobody other than my family around?
>one day we visit the city of Shechem
>tell my family I'm going to "meet the women of the city"
>meet a handsome, charming man who tells me his name is Shechem, prince of the city of Shechem
>panties instantly wet as the Red Sea
>Shechem takes me back to his palace and fucks my brains out
>says he loves me and wants to marry me
>best day ever
>get back to camp and tell my father and brothers about what happened
>RAPE! SHE WAS RAPED! RAAAAAAAAAAPE they all scream
>oh shit
>my fiance Shechem apologizes to my family and promises to pay any price for my hand in marriage
>my father tells Shechem that he can have me as long as he and all the men of his city cut off their foreskins
>they madmen actually agree to it
>looks like everything is going to work out
>but my asshole brothers Levi and Simeon up and murder all the men in the city while they're still recovering from their self-inflicted circumcision pains
>when dad asks Levi and Simeon why they did this, they respond "They shouldn't have treated our sister like a prostitute."
>my fiance and all his family are now dead, I'm probably about to be married off to one of my half-brothers, and I'll be remembered for all history as a slut
>fuck my life

Bump

No they don't.

I love how many people don't get the reason why they were so buttmad. They were avenging Dinah's rape as an offense against their father's and consequently their family's honor. Her rape wasn't the least about her.