Anaconda Hamilton

S I G N I F I C A N T
I
R
T
H

I was thinking green anaconda, which is abnormally large compared to other snakes but nothing as crazy large as titanoboa.

How do you feel about this becoming a pasta user?

you really gotta think hamilton being a literal anaconda would really have given him the advantage over burr in their duel. certainly would have had the psychological advantage, and no way burr mortally wounds hamilconda with one shot

But how effectively can an anaconda fire an early 19th century dueling pistol?

Surprisingly well. They actually evolved to fire it with their tail after the Anaconda Genocide of 1670

Is this a fetish, or a Kafka reference?

Why are anacondas so fucking fat?

It's an American.

Like in the 5th grade when my teacher would read my stories to the class and do the voices of my characters.

Not a fetish, also don't know what Kafka is.

My thoughts lean more so that the duel wouldn't happen.

Basically, I see this happening in stages, each a trial that Hamilton would have to past to get to the next:

1. Does he live until his family gets home? Pic is his house, the windows look high, even on the ground floor. I have no way of knowing if he had them closed, it's possible that he'd be trapped until his family got back.

Does he starve? This depends on what scenario we go with: he's either relatively okay due a snake's metabolism of not needing to eat often, or he does starve because the process of transforming into something heavier than itself leads to all energy reserves being spent.

For the purpose of a more interesting ending; I'll just put that he had his windows open and hunted the local wildlife to sustain himself until his family got back.

2. Familial recognition. I know nothing about Alexander's, Eliza's, or their children's potential fears or opinions on snakes. It would be reasonable to assume that they'll be surprised to find Alexander missing and a very large animal in their home. This is where the writing from the OP becomes important. The documents could point to them to finding out the truth, assuming that they don't attempt to kill Alexander first.

Alright, so they know the snake is Hamilton; now, more importantly, do they accept him? As a child I remember reading about countries that arrest goats that they believe to be sorcerers. This practice wasn't never documented in the United States. I really couldn't say either way, I know the country was more Christian than it is now, and The Jungle Book wouldn't be written for another hundred years. Let's say they're consoling to Alexander, but wish the situation was different, akin to finding out that someone got "consumption" or typhoid.

cont...

I'd imagine if Alexander Hamilton metamorphosed into a snake, he would become a large albino boa, with some combination of red and yellow markings. Probably ten feet long, likely a solid eight inches across. As someone mentioned above, I think this would unsettle Burr to the point that he wouldn't be able to kill Hamilton as he approached--snakes can move shockingly fast. The albino coloring wouldn't do him any favors as far as camouflage, but it would add to the psychological impact. And once he's closed the distance and Burr's pistol is useless, he can easily dodge past Burr's left foot and lunge upward, wrapping around his torso in one movement. At that point, it's only a matter of time until every bone in Burr's body is crushed and every breath comes with a sincere wish for death.

As far as communication, assuming his intellect is intact, the most difficult step is getting someone to humor him and not immediately recoil in fear and run. At the point, a snake's body is flexible enough for him to communicate by contorting into a sequence of letters. That would get burdensome pretty quickly, so he and whomever he's communicating with would develop some kind of snake-body shorthand, much like sign language.

Depending on how his lifespan translates when he's transformed, he probably has a solid decade of snake life at this point. Given the right human contact and translator, I could see him becoming a type of reptilian god emperor for the remainder of his life.

He'd just die in the cold New York winter

Perhaps he could dip his tail in ink and learn to write like that

3. Outside the Hamilton-Household. This is were it be the most difficult for Alexander. Eliza and the Children would have to present a public case to prove that Alexander and the snake they brought with them is one in the same.

An argument they could use is that green anacondas are found only in South America, so one being here would otherwise mean that it traveled here from too long a distance to be reasonable... the obvious problem with that is that they might not've known this in the 1790's. Although, a relatively skilled herpetologist could point out that the large size would point to the type of snake Alexander is couldn't be native to America.

A man turning into a snake is a hard-sell, though. Most onlookers would be quick to point out the absurdity and denounce the family as crazy. Still, their voices might have weight, we have to remember that Eliza is a Schuyler, a very rich family.

4. Moving forward. Turning into a snake, or a loved one turning into a snake might become a new national spiritual fear, a mass Munchhausen by proxy.

The Hamilton family would be interviewed vigorously on the circumstances that led Alexander to morphing. Since he was alone, it might be reported that loneliness causes physical deformation, leading to tighter family bonds and less risky behavior by the populous.

Alternatively, it might lead some to replicate the results, either for themselves (to experience) or enemies (to silence them). If the results were replicable, we might see a shift in race relations. Slaves would turn themselves into snakes to camouflage with formerly-white snake men, for example; or it could lead to groups of snake men declaring their own sovereign nations in nearby territories, causing the country to need a Lincoln-esque figure sooner to keep the Union.

If Hamilton is a one-off transformer, he'd become a staple of American legend:
"The man who reinvented our financial system then became a snake"

I have more to write but I gtg for now.

A large snake can survive several days in cold temperatures if it can find the right insulation, so if Anaconda Hamilton managed to start communicating in that time, he'd be able to convince someone to keep the fire stoked.

literally how, OP said he now has significant girth so it'd probably be even easier for Burr to kill hamilton

As long as it gets the drawfags to make history related snake vore.

Snakes move quickly and their bodies are thinner than humans'. How do you aim at center mass with a snake? Hope you hit the spine? Good luck. More likely you hit through muscle and maybe slow it down a bit, and enrage it in the process.

>Always ready with a quill, he documents his experience:
>the next challenge is convincing them who he is
He documented the entire transformation but didn't once say "holy shit what the fuck is this I'm turning into a reptile and this is how you know it's me"

I guess it just depends the season in which he changes

snakes are cold blooded so he'd be physically incapable of panicking

>other founding fathers hhear about this
How would they react?

Why isn't Veeky Forums included on there. The military threads we have here are so damn autistic.

HOW DOES A SERPENT, REPTILE, HERPETOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE
HATCHED IN THE MIDDLE OF A SITE WHERE A LOT OF PREY SPECIES GOT EATEN
TURN OUT TO BE VICTORIOUS, UNBEATEN?
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THE FOUNDING SNAKE WAS ON THE MAKE
HAD A LOT RIDING ON HIM NOT HIDING
ON HIM NOT DYING
ON HIM STILL FIGHTING
THAT NIGHT, HE SNUCK ON A BOAT AND STARTED BITING

OH, ANACONDA HAMILTON
HIS NAME IS ANACONDA HAMILTON
AND THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO RUN
BEFORE THEY'RE ATE

Put snakes on it too.

I'm back.

5. Back in office. Hamilton has been Secretary of the Treasury for a few years by this point, and, in our timeline, remain in that position until John Adams becomes president and replaces him with Oliver Wolcott. In the Anaconda Hamilton timeline, this might change:

We'll assume that Hamilton passed all the "trials" I'd mentioned in --- by this point, Eliza and possibly Angelica, along with their children, speak out on Hamilton's behalf, the necessary adjustments were made and Alexander is back in office.

There are four things that make this transition difficult:

5.A. Physical limitations. A snake's jaw works as two independent jawbones that are connected by quadrate bone in the back of the skull. This is the vessel that would have to hold a quill in order to write. Quills are basically bird feathers with a metal end. The trouble that Hamilton would find in this situation is grip; it might have become an utmost need for someone to invent a writing tool specifically designed for Alexander.

5.B. Policy. The most significant thing that Hamilton does during his tenure after 1791 is assist Washington in handling the Whiskey Rebellion. The "Whiskey Act" had been written chronologically before he turned into a snake, but would have been passed in November. The language of the law refers to the taxes on whiskey as a "sin tax", but how would people react if their supposed "sins" were being judged by someone who turned into a snake? Perhaps it wouldn't made a difference, however, it may have stoked the flames of rebellion enough to bring it forward a year or so earlier. Not looking good for Hamilton, giving his enemies fuel for...

5.C.In-fighting. Other cabinet members, especially Jefferson, were looking for any reason to get rid of Hamilton previously. Alexander resigned in 1794, but his new physical stature could provide protest from politicians to have him step down. Washington would be put in difficult position, does he bend to...

cont

Get Turtledove on the line

>What if in 1791, when Alexander Hamilton was having an affair with Maria Reynolds, instead he turned into a snake?
it would be extremely [spoiler] pleasurable[/spoiler] for the slut

The religious community would probably burn him alive. Not a fedora trying to call them savage, but if you followed the faith all your life, a faith that had some choice stories about snakes and you suddenly saw a man in politics literally turn into a snake.....
Fuck I'd probably kill him in modern times and go on to fully believe in magic.

>EU4 is a good thing
The only good thing about Europa is uninstall.exe

This is actually one of the better "What if" threads that has been made on Veeky Forums.

political pressure to fire Hamilton, or stick-out the heat out of loyalty and respect for Hamilton's courage and intellect? He'd get shit either way, the difference being from who and their arguments.

5.D. Environment. A few people have mentioned it in this thread, New York gets cold in the winter, and anacondas are cold-blooded creatures who are used to hotter climates. Without proper insulation, Hamilton could very well freeze to death. How this would be overcome is through the diligence of others keeping track of room insulation and making sure Hamilton health is kept in good condition; we'll assume that his snake-body was in perfect physical condition when he initially transformed.

6. Aaron Burr. Burr had proposed the duel to Hamilton when Alexander had both chosen Jefferson over him in 1800 and because of other miscellaneous slights including the Charles Cooper letter. I'd written previously that I don't think the events leading up to the duel could have transpired due to the timeline having to remain the same despite the large change in Hamilton's history, namely, the fact that Alexander is now a snake.

Assuming that it did, however, how would the duel have changed? It would make sense that Philip would still be dead by this point, Eacker would've disgraced Alexander like before, only this time the subject would likely change to the topic of his snakehood, likely he would've extended the verbal cruelty to Eliza as well, accusing her of bestiality. For the Burr-Hamilton duel, we run into the same problem as the quill, how would Hamilton grip the gun? Even harder, how would he shoot? It's also important to remember intent, some people were mentioning Hamilton's center of mass versus Burr's aim and how Hamilton could overtake Burr with physical strength. The thing is, though, is that Hamilton did not want to kill Burr, having intentionally aimed to miss in our timeline. Mostly, the physical circumstances of Alexander's body would make the...

cont

Go on.

pretense of a duel infeasible. An alternative is that Burr anger makes him seek out Hamilton and hunt him like an animal. This implies an almost serial killer level of sociopathy that I'm not sure Burr had. Still, since Burr had grievances, he would want them resolved in some capacity, in this case Alexander might vouch for Burr to a job in some higher office, but Hamilton's words / writings might not mean much.

---

In terms of "what if"s, I can go into other topics in Hamilton's life and try to see how being a snake may have changed them. Andrew Jackson's presidency saw the Petticoat Affair, where a cabinet member and wife committed what was considered a "moral failing" due to the unconditional circumstances of their marriage. If something so relatively minor became such a national incident, what kind of outrage would surround Hamilton, his family, and Washington? One theory is that the severity of Hamilton's transformation can make future events like the Petticoat Affair trivial, another theory is the nation would be so shocked that it would similar to problem in , my other post.

That's the stupidest thing I've read all day.

>mouth of hamilton.jpg

I love you snekbro, don't stop.

>this happens
>burr doesn't kill him
>hamilton uses wall street to rig the election in his favor
>the third president of the united states is a literal snake

He still would get involved in a sex scandal user.

See pic.

What if Hamilton was never truly a human, but actually thousands of hyper-intellegent psychically linked cockroaches acting within a rubber skin suit.

You mean...he was Turkish contraption?

Bump for interest.

Would Hamilton end up constricting Jefferson to death on the Congress floor?

How does Anaconamilton deal with the War of 1812 and the rise of Jackson?

Is the Don't Tread on Me flag actually symbolism for the fact that all Founding Father's were snakes?

He would be fucked if he turns specifically into an anaconda, they can only survive on tropical climates.

Maybe in this alternate timeline, Hamilton doesn't duel and instead goes with Lewis and Clark to Louisiana, then lives among the natives?

t. Liquor pro