Funny Deaths in History

Jesus Christ why can't I be friends with him

Y-you can die over this?

Empedocles jumped on a volcano to prove that he believed in the immortality of the soul.

For you.

My assumption is he died instantly because his skull got crushed.

His students stabbed him to death with pens because they were so frustrated at not being able to comprehend his weird esoteric theology

Godspeed you Irish weirdo

Isaac Newton drinking mercury because he thought it would make him shit gold was funny, even if it's not accurate

Don't the eagles aim into a rock that would split the turtle in half? In that case, never sport a rockylike head

>Y-you can die over this?
Yes. You can die over dumber methods.

Imagine a zip lock bag. Now imagine if it's being filled beyond capacity and eventually bursting. That's all organs are, user. Bags of meat. Too much pressure; BOOM!

See: appendicitis

Poor little turble ;_;

isn't the pee forced out of the urethra before the bladder bursts? I feel like that would make more sense.

Yes, at a certain point you can't hold it and you'll just piss yourself. But chronic piss-holding can lead to piss-bag damage, piss-hole infections, and can lead to even more problems.

The human body is a system of systems. If one fails, they all eventually fail (without medical help). That's why there are few organs we can live without.

I'm not sure how he didnt piss himself, maybe he does keggels, but it's very possible (although unlikely) to die from holding it in too long.

Alright, cool. Thank you for the information, user. I like the idea of a 16th century astronomer doing kegels.

>doth thou hoist?

>For when he was contending for the wild olive with the last remaining competitor, whoever he was, the latter got a grip first, and held Arrhachion, hugging him with his legs, and at the same time he squeezed his neck with his hands. Arrhachion dislocated his opponent's toe, but expired owing to suffocation; but he who suffocated Arrhachion was forced to give in at the same time because of the pain in his toe. The Eleans crowned and proclaimed victor the corpse of Arrhachion.

Some old carpenter got hung on a giant lowercase T while a bunch of Centurians gambled for his clothes

Pretty funny imo. I think he was mexican.

and he died trying it

let that be a lesson to the other stoics

This.

Really, really funny

Valentinian, who RAGED to death

Stop holding your pee

the first emperor of china actually did die from drinking mercury because he thought it would make him immortal. That should tell you all you need to know about him.

Its possible to have a urinary tract obstruction that could prevent that. I've seen that condition before, you have to go to a hospital to get the urethra surgically opened before your bladder bursts. But it causes extreme abdominal pain for a while before that happens, so your bladder doesn't just go pop out of the blue. You'd know something was wrong.

Hans Steininger has been mayor of Braunau am Inn in the early 16th century, a little town on the german-austrian border, well known for becoming the birthplace of Adolf Hitler.

He was famous for his beard, that measured over 2m (over 6'4'')
According to local lore, he died, when a fire broke out, because he forgot to roll up his beard and put it in his bag like he was used to do, thus he tripped over his enormous long beard while going downstairs and fell - which broke his neck

His beard was cut off and can still be seen in a museum today. It is actual real, scientists did some tests and it is indeed a human beard from the early 16th century.

pic related is his tombstone

...and his beard

literally REEEEEEEEEE'd so hard he died

>but it's very possible (although unlikely) to die from holding it in too long.
So is it very likely or not? Make up your fucking mind.

Severe skull fractures often result in complete exsanguination through the nose, mouth, and ears. It's pretty horrendous.

I lel EVERY TIME

Also a golden nose.

He said it's possible, but unlikely. You have dyslexia my man

Rooftile'd

>your mother will never kill one of the greatest generals of all time

>went full DEUS VULT
>take a bath in Asia Minor
>heart attack
>drown in some dirty river

>be the greatest magician the world has ever seen
>claim you can sustain every punch to the stomach
>get surprise attacked by a student
>get punched in the stomach with the force of a thousand exploding stars
>the guy managed to rupture his appendix and peritoneum via a few punches
>die

Abracadabra, i guess

>Fucked up Kings Divorce
>King is only one who liked you
>Kings new GF tells him to get rid of you
>Run off to York to claim Bishopric
>Arrested.jpg
>Head back to London, for probable execution
>Even though you're a Cardinal
>FuckthisshitI'mout..png
>Wolsey.exe has encountered an unexpected error and stopped responding....

Sorry I fucked up here's image

Wasn't that not true or something though?

I seriously don't know, I have never read a biography about Houdini or something like that. Wikipedia more or less corroborates that story though.

He had appendicitis already, otherwise it wouldn't have killed him.

I know he was drunk but what was funny about that?

very possible. As I said 1 post ago, I don't know the exact story. I just think it was a good addition to the thread.

>stoic philosopher
>have a plate of figs
>out of nowhere a donkey comes and starts eating the figs
>you start laughing like a baby watching someone jiggle a set of keys
>"Yo...what if he had some wine, too?"
>laugh so hard you die

That Greek boxer that was supposed to fight another boxer he hated, but the other guy died before the fight. He's still mad about not getting to fight so one night he tries punching a statue of the other guy, which then topples over and crushes him.

Found it: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theagenes_of_Thasos
It gets better.
>The statue was put on trial for murder and exiled by being thrown into the sea

>It was reported that Brahe had written his own epitaph, "He lived like a sage and died like a fool."[48]

kek

How about that dumbass Chinese emperor who strapped rockets to his throne to fly to the moon?

In real life, your urethral sphincter will eventually give up and you'll pee involuntarily.

He probably died of a blockade of some kind.

Was probably an insecure chinlet

A lady died from water poisoning after drinking a ton of water and holding her pee for a radio contest.

Figs was common slang for cock and balls during that era

>Because of the low energy of the round, a suicide case was recorded where a woman shot herself twice in the temple with a .25 (6.35 mm) Velo-dog revolver before succumbing.

The lesson is dont shoot yourself with a gun made for cyclist to shoot dogs

Stoics actually generally aren't so bad, most of the stuff I've read isn't even remotely as killjoy as the popular image. It can mostly be summed up as "stop being mad about shit when being mad won't fix it bro stop basing your happiness on things outside your control senpai"

"Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, they're funny cause they're true! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, hope next time it's not you!"

"Next!"

"Name please?"

"Hello! It's Pythagoras. You may have heard of me?"

"Say that rings a bell. Aren't you the theorem guy?"

this right here

Stocism is a goat philosophy

kek

"Yes, the Pythagorean theorem. The square of the length of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides."

"You lost me at hippopotamus mate. Go on, what's your stupid death?"

"Well, I was quite popular in my time and even had a sort of church if you will. It had a lot of rules, such as not trampeling beans.

"Well, a lot of people were angry at me because of my little club and wanted me dead. One day I was running easily away from a group of would be assassins. You see, I'm quite Veeky Forums."

*Death shrugs in utter confusion as to what this Manlet is bragging about*

"Well eventually a bean field was in my way, and... I let them kill me rather than trample them."

"You... you mean to tell me that? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH HAHAHA"

"Okay go on, you're free to the afterlife!"

"Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, they're funny cause they're true! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, hope next time it's not you!"

"Tune in next time for Henry I and his eel fetish!"

What fucking autism is this?

>Your driver was a dumbass and took a wrong turn

...

see
I think the donkey was licking it's own "figs" and he told his slave to go give the donkey some wine to wash it down.
I'd laugh at that.

A woman died a few years ago after joining a radio contest on "who could hold their pee for the longest after chugging down a 2l Pepsi" so yeah it can happen

I love this story. Wish I was there to see it.

>be god's scourge
>fuck up romans everywhere
>get shitface drunk on your wedding night
>die from not waking up to a nosebleed and vomit combo

I died reading this

>even the statue of him looks angry

There was one ottoman sultab who died when he slipped in the bathhouse while chasing a harem girl.
Appearantly he was drunk and hit his head which broke his neck.

That is just stupid

>I think the donkey was licking it's own "figs"

More like Chrysippus's "figs"

>Even after 1600 years, he's still fucking pissed at those Quadi bastards.

Funny how the most well known stoic Marcus Aurelius was mad enough about Christians to continue having them executed.

>executing christians
>mad

tip

dont bully

I heard that the contest was called "hold your wee for a wii", until a lady died after drinking two gallons of water and totally fucked up the electrolyte balance in her body.

It's called water poisoning or overhydration.

i bet he's pissed that he wasn't buried with his beard

I find it amazing it survived a fire.

I don't get it. Unless the coat of arms had a ship or something.