Thirty Years War

Anyone else get depressed when they read about this?

You should be depressed simply from existing.

Th-thanks user

Not really since it led to the zenith of my nation's history

I got depressed reading about the Taiping Rebellion
>Shi Dakai the "Wing(Flank) King" leads an immense roaming army for the Taiping
>Eventually gets widdled down by the Qing
>Captured and tortured for days
>Doesn't flinch
>barters for the lives of 2/3 of his men

>Chen Yucheng "Brave King" also nicknamed the Four Eyed Dog for his birthmarks under each eye
>Youngest of the major kings, but a military prodigy
>crushes Qing armies left and right but he becomes disconnected from part of his army during a siege
>Left that army in charge of a Qing defector who redefected back under his nose
>Reconnects with them only to be turned over to the Qing
>Tortured to death but did a similar deal to Shi Dakai

>Hong Rengan "Shield King"
>PM of Taiping
>wants to be friends with Euros to pursue the same path as Japan and Siam
>Gets blown off as a simple rebel by the Euro reps there
>ends up being captured and then tortured to death trying to raise an army in the death knells of the Kingdom

>Li Xiuchen "Loyal King"
>got his title name for turning down an immense bribe to switch sides mid war
>Extremely effective military commander
>Known for being extremely fair to soldiers and Han civilians, including captives which was highly irregular for this war
>Heavenly King is already dead
>gives up his horse on the escape from the Capital as it fell to save the son of the Heavenly King
>Gets captured because of this and tortured to death

>Final true stronghold of Taiping leaders
>English leader put in charge of merc army negotiates a deal that the Taiping surrender and nobody gets hurt
>Taiping gladly accept
>Qing gladly accept
>Whoops looks like the Anhui Army's leader doesn't give a fuck
>All of the Taiping leaders and many of their soldiers are dismembered and thrown into the river like dogs

>Zeng Guofan, savior of the Qing dynasty and personal leader of the most powerful armies in China
>Lives out his remaining 6 years a depressed cuck

Yes, fucking peace of Westphalia. The protestants should have won

>top 10 pranks that went too far

The latter half is kind of depressing because it seems pretty pointless. The first half was rather heroic.

Wars always get worse as they go. Just look at WWI, 1st year the Germs, Brits, and French are having Christmas parties in No Man's Land. Year 2 and the people who try are all gunned down.

can anyone give me a quick rundown?

It was necessary to remove the stench of religion from the state

>tfw could've had Protestantism spanning from Tuscany to Finnmark

I've heard that one of Trumps German ancestors got killed by Swedish soldiers during this time

Papists chimping out

The Swedes were Protestants though weren't they?

Ya. Swedes committed a lot of "war crimes" and looting.

Started off as a protestant vs catholic war and became continental with france vs the habsburgs

The irony behind this war is that it weakened the HRE and lead to greater autonomy for the individual German-speaking states of HRE.
And one of those states is Brandenburg Prussia, which would go down in history as the single greatest rival and enemy of France.

Netherlands?

The Hapsburgs ended up stronger after the war than before, due to cementing their control on Bohemia and turning into a permanent personal possession. Its kind of interesting how weak they were in the decades leading up to the war, that's why the Calvinist fanatic Elector Palatinate tried to usurp the Bohemian throne.

The only real tragedy was that Prussia was not destroyed, thus dooming the Empire in the long run.

Pic related was the greatest hero of the war.

>that's why the Calvinist fanatic Elector Palatinate tried to usurp the Bohemian throne.
Not true, he got elected by Czech nobles as a king so they'd pull more German protestant states into the war.

>Ok protestants could you pls stop forcing your religion on everyone? We're a Catholic country
>WOOOOW CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE PAP-SCUM! DA MAN IN THE VATICAN ARE KEEPING ME DOWN! OH GOD THEY'RE KILLING US AFTER WE TRIED TO KILL THEM, SOMEONE HELP US!

There's no chance he would have accepted the rebel's offer if there hadn't been a string of weak emperors.

yes
I read about how the countries used mercenary armies and they couldn't pay them
so they just let the armies loot and sack the villages and countrysides were they fought

I read about German villages where EVERYONE were killed
and then they just lootet it all

but I guess Veeky Forums finds this funny because they're German

Just a European problem really, surely a tragedy for some, but not really one to cause me any woe.

t. Brit

>Have minor disagreement over a religious matter
>Decide to not obey the Pope anymore
>Decide to no longuer pay taxes to a Catholic king
>Decide to take arms "just in case" something go wrong
>Decide to violate the laws of the king and become a thalassocracy
>King besiege the town
>Complain for centuries that you are a victim of oppression
Jews of the Renaissance.

>Peace of Westphalia

>Protestant lands allowed to continue religious practices

>Habsburg supremacy curtailed

>Recognition of the independence of the Dutch Republic by Spanish Empire

>Rise of the Swedish Empire

>Franco-Spanish War until 1659

>Further Devastation and major population loss in Imperial possessions

I would say Franco-swedish and kinda protestant victory.

This battle is what really makes me sad

>Two French charges were repulsed by the Spanish tercios, but the infantry formations were forced to stand closer together to maintain their pike squares. d'Enghien arranged for his artillery and captured Spanish guns to blast them apart.

>Soon the German and Walloon tercios fled from the battlefield, while the Spanish remained on the field with their commander, repulsing four more cavalry charges by the French and never breaking formation, despite repeated heavy artillery bombardment. d'Enghien finally offered surrender conditions just like those obtained by a besieged garrison in a fortress. Having agreed to those terms, the remains of the two tercios left the field with deployed flags and weapons.

>French losses were about 4,000. The total Spanish losses were about 7,000 dead, wounded, or captured. Most of the casualties of the battle were suffered by the Spanish infantry, while the cavalry and artillery were able to withdraw.

>It has been noted that Melo's German, Walloon, and Italian troops actually surrendered first, while the Spanish infantry surrendered only after standing hours of infantry and cavalry charges and a vicious spell under the French guns. They were given the treatment usually given to a fortress garrison and retired from the field with their arms, flags and honors.

>Enghien approached to take these terms, that some in the tercios mistook his approach for a charge and fired on him, and that the "enraged" French army converged upon and cut down much of the Spanish infantry. this final episode is what made Rocroi so decisive. Instead of being allowed to withdraw intact, the elite veterans of the Spanish infantry were killed, preventing them from training a new generation of infantry to carry on Spain's military tradition. It was the gravestone of the Spanish army.

Who here team Anti-Habsburg?

It's really depressing how the catholicucks got off so easy after all the destruction they caused.

>17th Century
>Rudolf II promised religious freedom for Bohemia
>New king doesn't care and tells Bohemian nobles to fuck off
>They get mad And throw some guys out of windows in Prague
>King gets butthurt
>Nobles in Bohemia don't know what to do so they start rebelion
>Even get German allies and new king, Fridrich aka "Winter king" since he ruled only for one year in Bohemia
>They Are actually winning the war against the Habsburks for some time but then they run out of cash and get fucked in "bitva na bílé hoře"
>Fridrich runs away like a little girl he is
>This marks the end od the first part of Thirty years war

Rest is a clusterfuck

What? Both sides were ruthless to each other.

The Swedes looted, raped, and murdered their way across Germany, Poland, the Baltic, and Eastern Europe for close to 70 (seventy) years before based Peter the Great put them down.

Agreed. But the looting and raping was carried out by Protestants, Catholics, and mercenaries. It wasn't just one side that did all or most of the bad shit.

i just like to think of it as witcher 3 irl

Mmmm, yes, what is this?
Is that an unparalleled explosion in culture and advancement I see there, fellow Europeans?
What's that, it's all due to the Pope and other mercantile Italian economies?
Hmmmm, it'd be a shame. A shame if someone were to come along and ruin the whole thing, now wouldn't it?

Oh, by the way, I have this little list. I'll just leave it here, mmmmmhmmm

the heretics already won with the compromise. we should've converted europe back by now.