> Be me.
> 6 years old.
> Nigger slave revolt killing everybody.
> Our slaves save me and my sisters, lie to crazy niggers to keep us safe.
> Owe debt to niggers for life.
> Be me.
> Join West Point, roommate is William T. Sherman.
> Roommate getting bullied because he’s a loud mouthed faggot.
> Grab bully by the neck, threaten to throw his bitch ass through the window three stories to their death if they ever fuck with my room mate again.
> Bullies leave and never bother them again.
> Tell that little bitch (Sherman) to stop being such a pussy.
> He toughens up.
> Be me.
> 1848, Mexican American War. Artillery LT.
> Invent mobile artillery tactics. Drill my mens into a superhuman squad of bad asses.
> Obliterate Mexican Artillery and Mexican Army with artillery fire like the hand of a vengeful god.
> Win war single-handedly, ezpz.
> Get noticed for being a bad ass, put on the fast track to success.
> Make friends with every important Civil War general on both sides, before the war.
> Teach at West Point, personally instruct every exceptional officer on both sides of the war, in every department.
> Read every book in the West Point Library. Master Artillery, Infantry, Cavalry, Logistics, and Engineering.
> Become fellow Virginian Robert E. Lee’s best friend, confident, and protege.
> Lee says, “Get married, war nerd.”
> Marry the next woman he sees, a northerner.
> Civil War starts.
> Shit, my wife is a northerner and slaves saved my families life.
> What do?
Greatest General of All Time
> Decide to betray my state and go with the North.
> Never speak to bff Lee or southern family ever again. Sisters declare me dead to them. Every Officer in the South curses my name and swears vengeance for my betrayal.
> Northerners don’t trust me, not even my room mate Sherman, and I get stuck playing second fiddle to incompetent leaders.
> Fuck this war.
> Get sent out West to raise an army, instantly run into a Southerner coming for my head.
> Kick his ass, route his army, slaughter his mens. First Union victory of the war.
> Not good enough, my mens need to be trained.
> Train mens.
> Washington sees me with a strong army, don’t trust me.
> Send an incompetent boss to take over.
> This guy is retarded, but I sweet talks him.
> Washington orders us to attack.
> I convince boss not to, to train.
> We trains.
> Washington demands we attack.
> Enemy attacks us, boss shits his pants.
> Relax bro, I got dis.
> We win.
> Boss happy, Washington demands we attack.
> No boss, bad idea, our mens need training.
> Boss listens. Washington fires him and replaces him with an even bigger dumb ass.
> New Boss orders attack.
> New Boss leads us into a trap.
> Whole army (except my mens) routes.
> Fuck you pussies, my mens is here to fight.
> Routing army sees my mens stand and fight, join in.
> Win second bloodiest Battle of the Civil War. Save the War. Become hero.
> New Boss is fired for being a dumb ass and coward.
> Washington can’t let a Southerner lead an army, send Grant to take command. Grant brings old roomate Sherman with him.
> Grant and Sherman want glory, send their mens to die pointlessly. Constantly fuck up.
> Be me.
> Notice enemy mens not lined up properly.
> Give orders to my mens to charge.
> Mens charge and win battle ezpz, minimal casualties, southerners turn and route.
> Grant “Who ordered that attack!”
> Shrug. “Wasn’t me. They just did that on their own, famalam”.
> Smug smile.
> Grant can't say shit.
> Washington super happy, Grant takes all the credit and goes to Washington to lead whole war effort.
> Sherman in charge, ordered to March on Atlanta (Lincoln’s re-election and the war hanging by a thread).
> Sherman wants to fight.
> Convince Sherman to use manuever warfare instead, gain steady ground to Atlanta ahead of schedule.
> Pressure from Washington to rush on Atlanta RIGHT NOW.
> Sherman decides to attack a fucking death trap.
> Be me.
> Me “Bad idea, bro.”
> Sherman “Do it anyway or I’ll court martial you, lol.”
> Fuck.
> Send mens to die.
> They die.
> Mens comes back.
> Sherman says “Send them again.”
> Grab that little bitch by his throat and say, “No! Fuck you!”
> Sherman concedes.
> Use maneuver warefare to avoid death trap, move on Atlanta.
> South changes leadership, they zerg rush right at my mens.
> My mens kick their asses, breaking the best of the South’s mens like they ain’t shit, cuz they wasn’t shit compared to my mens.
> Take Atlanta later that week.
> Secure Lincoln re-election.
> Sherman takes all the credit, wants to March to the sea.
> Be me.
> See the South trying to flank us to the west.
> Realize entire war could be lost if they succeed.
> “Yea bro, great idea. You do that.”
> In charge for the first time since the start of the war.
> Go West, completely annihilate a numerically superior army led by the best Southern Generals (except for my BFF Lee), win the war in the West so thoroughly that the War in the East is now irrelevant.
> Clean up the West, capture that pesky bitch Nathan B. Forest (ezpz, why everyone else struggling with this cunt?)
> War ends.
> Be me. Only undefeated General on either side of the war. Best kill / death ratio, mens worship me like a god, newspapers adore me, Southern and Northern Generals lament my success, say I basically won the war.
> Politicians start pestering me to run for President.
> Fuck that. I’mma get as far from politics as I can.
> Get billet to control half of the US army in San Francisco, become defacto military dictator over everything past the Mississippi river.
> Life is good.
> Grant, Sherman, and Schofield write autobiographies lying about my accomplishments and stealing all the credit.
> That’s cool, I don’t care.
> My mens defend me.
> That’s cool, I don’t care.
> Schofield starts impugning my honor.
> THE FUCK YOU SAY, BITCH!!! IMMA GET YO-
> Die of a heart attack.
> Friends and family burn all my records.
> Body taken across the country in the largest funeral procession since Lincoln.
> Grant and Sherman attend funeral, both regret stealing my credit, admit I was the greatest General of All Time.
> Schofield still a bitch, becomes Secretary of War, grants himself a Medal of Honor for some shit that never happened, basically restructures the American Military and fucks everything up for the next several wars leading to the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans.
> My mens scrap together some cash for a statue of me in Washington D.C.
> Historians forget about me.
> Americans forget about me.
> Doesn’t matter.
> My mens didn’t forget, and I helped free the slaves who saved my life.
> That’ll do.
The next time you see this statue in Washington, pay your respects to the greatest General in American history.
>the greatest General in American history
Wow, sure is a lot of competition in this category.
I'm being humble. He was the greatest general in American history and of all time.
And those aren't my words, those are the words of the sitting president of the time, Abraham Lincoln.
"It is doubtful whether his (George Henry Thomas) heroism and skill exhibited last Sunday afternoon (Battle of Chickamauga), has ever been surpassed in the world."
>TL;DR
Led into a death trap by an incompetent leader (Rosencrans), who then fucks up creating a hole the enemy exploits to routs the army.
Then, in the middle of a complete rout where everyone around him is being annihilated, George H. Thomas had the fucking balls to pick a spot, stand his ground, and save the entire war in the second bloodiest battle of the Civil War.
The newspapers of the time compared it to Leonidas, but that's a bad comparison because Leonidas fucking lost and George H Thomas and his men curb stomped the enemy.
George H. Thomas was a fucking beast. He'd have wrecked anyone. Alexander. Scipio Africanus. Julius Ceasar. Ghenghis Khan.
Whether or not you believe me, press "F" to pay respect to a long forgotten bad ass.
10/10 greentext, you are a credit to Veeky Forums
Doesn't even come close to Napoleon
>greatest general of all time
*teleports behind you*
Read up a little on him because of your greentext. I am impressed (non burger here with an interrest in the civil ear).
Nicely done OP, although I think its a bit of a stretch to say he invented the idea of mobile artillery in battle
ps. Is english your second language or is "mens" just a Southern way of saying it.
F
>and of all time
Amerilards, when will they learn?
You had better generals in WWII, and even they don't compare much in world history.
That's the greentext style. When in Rome, do as the Romans.
> its a bit of a stretch to say he invented the idea of mobile artillery in battle
What he invented was a new tactic for using mobile artillery on the battlefield. He would have his artillery fire a barrage or two, and then move to a new location before the enemy artillery returned fire on his men.
Thomas trained his soldiers rigorously. If you read up on the Mexican-American war, all the histories will gloss over the fact that the American artillery advantage was decisive, without explaining why that advantage existed and who was responsible for it.
Likewise, when Historians discuss the Civil War's greatest generals, they normally pick Grant, or Lee, or Sherman, or Stonewall Jackson, or someone else. Every name you can think of has a direct connection to Thomas, except for Forest (who wasn't a military officer, just a businessman with a knack for combat).
Grant deserves credit for the strategically critical Battle of Fredricksburg which crippled the South. However, keeping Fredricksburg required holding Tennessee, and the South sent four or five of their best armies right at Tennessee. The Western Front was the more strategically important of the two, and it was a complete steamroll because right smack in the middle of all the action was George H. Thomas with the most well disciplined and well led army of the war (The Army of the Cumberland).
People who are new to the Civil War really only learn about the war in the East, because the War in the West was such a one-sided affair.
Similarly, the Southern Generals who fought in the West have had their reputations unfairly impugned because they marched with the cream of the South into the Wilderness and came back in defeat time and time again, inexplicably.
Grant deserves credit for Fredricksburg, but taking it was a huge over-extension by the North. Strategically, Thomas had the most important job in the war and he whipped all challengers.
Napoleon invaded Russia and got his ass handed to him at Waterloo.
Respect to the Corsican genius, but even his record cannot compare to the perfection of an undefeated general.
Suvarov and Thomas. That's tough.
Battle of Kozludzha was impressive as hell. Now, imagine Suvarov had chased the Ottomon's all the way back to Turkey, annihilating the army piece by piece. Grinding the entire might of the Ottomon's into fucking dust.
That's pretty much the Battle of Nashville, and what Thomas did to Hood. Granted, Thomas had more soldiers than Suvorov.
It's easy to never lose if you don't take risks and arent even the leader of your country, responsible for all.
Davoust never lost. Neither did Suvorov.
I'm glossing over the part where the Army of the Cumberland did a bayonette charge against an enemy army encamped on top of a fucking mountain. And, through pure balls (and a miscalculation by the southern officer who established the defenses), the Army of the Cumberland took the mountain and routed the entrenched enemy.
Officially, no one ordered this charge. Unofficially, Thomas spotted the enemy's fuck up, and told his officers to disobey orders and get the men up the ridge.
This only came about because Grant and Sherman were fucking around trying to buy glory with the lives of their troops, while Thomas was focused on winning the war.
Does he deserve no credit for maintaining his political position in an army that was endlessly suspicious of him, and a chain of command constantly undermining his authority and trying to get rid of him?
Can you think of another general who's doing his job, while riding a fucking unicycle and juggling flaming chainsaws? Because that's the political bullshit Thomas was dealing with while having an impeccable record on the battle field.
Missionary Ridge was a hell of a risk. Ordering artillery fire onto his own positions during the Battle for Chickamauga was also a risk. Leaving Atlanta without an army while Hood was marching on Nashville practically unopposed was a risk. The man took a train to Nashville, recruited a new army from nothing, equiped and trained them, and then crushed the last, most motivated, and strongest army the South ever cobbled together in their final desperate push to take Tennessee and thereby save Fredricksburg.
Skipping over his risks in the Seminole wars in Florida (He was going back and forth across the country during the 1850's fighting Indians and teaching in West Point).
I don't know man, I think the biggest risk he took was betraying all of his friends and family to stay with the North who treated him like a spy for most of the war. That was a big risk.
After the war, he got a letter from his brother that his sisters in the South were practically starving to death. Thomas sent them a bag of gold. They sent it back. They'd rather starve than accept anything from him.
That's the kind of enmity his decision to stay with the North created. He was just as close with Robert E. Lee. The two of them were joined at the hip before the war. Thomas' betrayal was bitterly felt, especially among his fellow southern officers and his students from West Point.
It's easy to find quotes like the following.
> “Old George H. Thomas is in command of the Cavalry of the enemy. I would like to hang him as a traitor to his native state.” - Col JEB Stuart
Well shit now i have to find a book about this guy. My civil war knowledge is very shitty. Does anyone got any recommendations.
F
Always good to read about rebs gettin rekt
schofield a shit