Post memes of our ancestors

Why do we troll?

the Bible doesn't say that anywhere

>Then my gf farted
>haha nice one bro

German joke from 1940s

>If you see a white plane, it's American. If you see a brown plane, it's the RAF. If you see no planes at all - that's the Luftwaffe.

what would put her under such strain that she would accidentally let rip

Biblical Jewish bullshit mostly.

"And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, 'Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he isrelieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.'"(1 Kings 18:27, English Standard Version)

And then he chucked the priests of Baal off of a cliff.

Also here's the Tsar

you're not a human. bro

So is he saying that all young women fat in their husbands lap?

>And then he chucked the priests of Lord off of a cliff.
Baal is not name, it's just ancient word meaning "Lord" or "God"

Yes.
>here's something that has never happened
>a young woman didn't fart on her husband's lap
The double negative means it always happens

>Something which has NEVER occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did NOT fart in her husban's lap

So that would mean that all young women fart in the lap of their husband.

Why did they fart on their husbands lap?

Have any of you been farted on by your girlfriend? Specifically in the lap region?

Ask a german

That must be the origin of the "when you are hitting her from behind" meme that we know about today

"Fottiamci, anima mia, fottiamci presto
perché tutti per fotter nati siamo;
e se tu il cazzo adori, io la potta amo,
e saria il mondo un cazzo senza questo.
E se post mortem fotter fosse onesto,
direi: Tanto fottiam, che ci moiamo;
e di là fotterem Eva e Adamo,
che trovarno il morir sì disonesto."

roughly translated as:

"let's fuck, my soul, let's fuck now
because we are born to fuck;
and if you love the dick, I love the pussy
and the world would be shitty without fucking.
And if it was legal to fuck after death
I'd say: we fuck until we die;
and in the afterlife we would fuck Adam and Eve,
that thought that being dead was dishonest."

Pietro Aretino, Tuscan poet from the XVI century

“How dare you say to your brother, ‘Please, let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when you have a log in your own eye?”-Jesus

(Matthew 7:4 GNT).

Allegories aren't jokes

>says the man with logs pouring out his mouth

Shit happens

Anal Sex

Uhhh guys. I think we're forgetting someone

Litterally a dumb fart joke.

I'm the longest running joke in history.

An unbroken connection of men, monkeys and single celled goo have all reproduced with females eventually leading me - the end of the line, who will die, never penetrating a female.

Hmmm... poopoo...

Maybe it was a queef and they didn't know it
Was it autism?

Pay a good looking man to sneak your sperm into a super bank

This one seems like middle school humour. I don't even see how it's funny but anyways.

How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down theNileand urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papyrus)

dab

Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the Emperor Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

Old Russian joke

>In the fifteenth century, when Russia was occupied by Mongols, a peasant and his wife were walking aIong a dusty country road; a Mongol warrior on a horse stopped at their side and told the peasant he would now proceed to rape his wife; he then added: "But since there is a lot of dust on the ground, you must hold my testicles while I rape your wife, so that they wil not get dirty!" Once the Mongol had done the deed and ridden away, the peasant started laughing and jumping with joy. His surprised wife asked: "How can you be jumping with joy when I was just brutally raped in your presence?" The farmer answered: "But I got him! His bals are covered with dust!"

Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

T./pol/

this is not a Russian joke. This seems like a joke of humans who don't were part of Mongol Empire because Ancient Russia was a shield for other parts of Europe.

>OP circa.100 AD

...

>be monk
>spend much of my time copying texts and tending to the monastery garden
>snails like eating plants and books
>begin my writing for the day in a foul mood, having wasted the last ten minutes picking the little shits off our cabbages
>get bored and start doodling in the margins, as commonly done
>draw army men beating the shit out of snails
>that'll show them

- t. Zizek

Were Christians the first larpers?

No, he was just being a philosophical Chad.

I broke up with my longtime gf after she farted in my presence. Unacceptable for a woman to do that.

>get revenge by making him suck their dicks

kek

Hellenic cultures are notoriously gay.

>...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. "Genie", he says, "I want the Mongol hordes to sweep through Poland." The Genie snaps his fingers and a low rumbling sound of hoofbeats is heard. Over the horizon come the Mongol hordes which ride down and kill everything in their path. They wheel around and ride back out. The farmer picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his second wish. Again the Mongols ride in and destroy everything in their path. Whatever they didn't kill last time, they kill this time. Whatever they killed last time, they set on fire. They wheel around and ride back out. The Pole picks himself up and asks for the same thing for his third wish. This time the Mongols don't even bother to stop since there isn't anything left to destroy. The genie just can't stand it any more. "You could have had anything. ANYTHING!", the genie says. "Why did you waste your wishes on this?" The farmer replies, "In order for the Mongols to ride over Poland three times, they would have had to go through Russia six times."

Thus spake Virginthustra

Fucking kek'd

Top bantz

10/10

That's some advanced spite right there

American planes in 1940 Germany. Why are you posting on Veeky Forums

he said 1940's, that implies that could be have been in 1945, 1944. ..

Another Jew-leaving-the-USSR joke told by Slavoj Zizek:
The bureaucrat at the emigration office asks him why, and Rabinovitch answers:
“There are two reasons why. The first is that I’m afraid that in the Soviet Union the Communists will lose power, and the new power will put all the blame for the Communist crimes on us, Jews – there will again be anti-Jewish pogroms…”
“But”, interrupts him the bureaucrat, “this is pure nonsense, nothing can change in the Soviet Union, the power of the Communists will last forever!”
“Well”, responds Rabinovitch calmly, “that’s my second reason.”

Let me tell you the last joke about Mujo and Haso
Mujo and Haso went into the woods one day...
And ran into Arkan.

Jews did USSR, and Jews don't like USSR, Jews are so strange.

2nd funniest thing I've seen on this site

I have dyslexia stop being so ableist

okay i get it now.

Middle Easterners didn't have lactose tolerance at the time so they were gassy as hell

didn't mind to be rude

Back in the days when derailing threads wasn't a thing the greatest shitposters started religions instead. Trolling untold generations

>reverse monkey paw

polish farmers could outwit the devil himself

Kids these days...

Poles/Slavs have a weird sense of humor.

A while ago some user was posting excerpts from a 17th century Polish nobleman's memoirs and it was the weirdest shit.

On one hand he was shitting on Germans for being barbaric because they killed Turkish POWs.

On the other he described a few Polish dudes murdering some innocent French actors as a prank like it was the most hilarious thing.

Found it in the archive:

>More Frenchmen there were in Warsaw than fanned Cerberus' fires, throwing money around, carrying on intrigues - mainly nocturlnal, enjoying great freedom in Warsaw and great esteem; they performed triumphal spectacles in honor of their victories, even though invented and not real; at court a Frenchman can always gain entry, while a Pole must stand neraly half the day at the door; 'tis, to be brief, a sorely exaggerated esteem.

>Among their divers privileges I must mention this one: in Warsaw they were allowed to perform in theatro publico [on the public stage] a triumphal celebration of a victory over the German [Austrian] emperor. Upon bringing the actors to the theatrum along with the music and fireworks for the celebration, a mob of people gathered to view so marvelous a spectaculum; some came on horseback, being either on their way out of Warsaw or arriving; whoever took notice, though his affair be urgent, stayed to watch this wondrous performance.

>And I too was there, for I was departing from Warsaw. Having left my lodgings, I, too stopped thus on horseback with my retainers to watch these wonders. Circa hoc spectaculum [around this spectacle] were standing people of different rank and temper. The French performed divers scenes: now armies attacked, now the foot and horse closed ranks, now one side gave up the field to another, now Germans were taken prisoner and beheaded, now a fortress was stormed and taken - in short, such things were performed at great expense and sumptuously. No sooner had the emperor's army been routed, as it were, and the enemy defeated in the field, but they bring in the emperor bound in chains, in his imperial robes but no longer wearing the imperia lcrown on his head, carrying it instead in his hands and surrendering it to the French king.

>We saw, of course, that the man impersonating the emperor in chains was a prominent Frenchman - he knew how to imitate his outer bearing and he stuck out his lip like the emperor. One of the Poles on horseback began to yell at the French actors: "Kill that son of a so-and-so now that you've got him; don't spare him, for if you let him go, he'll wage war after war, shed men's blood, and the world will never see peace; kill him and the French king will gain the imperium, he'll be emperor, and, God willing, he'll be king of Poland. But if you don't kill him, I'll kill him in the end."

>And if he doesn't seize his bow, insert an arrow, and now pierces Sir Emperor's side so hard that out come sthe tip on the other side; he did him in. The Poles to their bows, they take after that French mob, shooting at them, even wounding the one sitting in persona of the king; he fell from the throne under the theatrum onto his crown and then fled away with the other Frenchmen.

>Warsaw was in an uproar then. Those who had done the shooting rode off, each going his own way; I myself immediately made off lest I be somehow mistakenly suspect, I too having been part of that throng. Having ridden half a mile beyond Warsaw in the direction of Tarczyn, I left my bow with Pan Łączyński to escape suspicion, then rode on slowly, taking only my hunting piece, for I expected them to give chase. And something of the sort did happen, for Queen Ludwika, though an imperiosus mulier [imperious termagant], to whom one could safely apply the saying coined for another monarch: Rex erat Helisabeth, verum regina Jacobus, imperiosus mulier [Elizabeth, an imperious termagant, was king, but James queen], shedding her haughtiness, fell at the king's feet, begging him to pursue them, to seize them.

>The king gave the order then, for whoever could do so, to take to the highways and bring this affair to a speedy end, only sine effectu [without effect]; for whomever they overtook and asked, "From whence do you come riding? Was it not you who killed the emperor and wounded the French king?" - "Not I," and they let him be.

(missed one of the posts)

I think Arabic is supposed to be a very sarcastic language.

It's just banter and dark Polish humour.
During PLC times, France was actually considered as a cultural factor. France rulling over the west, PLC over the east.

You mean like how we call God "God"?

>The which query reached my ears too, only not until the following day. I stopped in to visit Pan Okuń; glad he was to see me; I'm telling him of this tragedy when a few dozen horse came riding into the village asking: "Was anyone riding through here from Warsaw?" They rode there, they enter the house: "Servus." - "Servus." My host asked them to be seated. And they ask me: "From whence is Your Honor riding?" Say I: "From Warsaw." - "When did Your Worship leave?" Say I: "After the death of the Christian emperor and the king of France." - "Did you see it happen?" - "I saw it." - "What sort of person was it who took the first shot at the emperor?" Say I: "Someone like Your Honor and myself."

>Says he, laughing: "Was it not yourself, Your Honor?" I answer: "Bows and arrows they were using there, while I came here without a quiver." Says he: "Even were it Your Honor who did it, or whoever else, you've the Lord's forgiveness for taking up the cudgels in such a mighty outrage; his Majesty the king expresses his sympathy only in the Queen's sight; in his heart he's amused by it." They then, having a hearty chortle over that coversation and making merry, drank up a barrel of my host's beer, and a second, and away they rode.

tl;dr: a bunch of Polish noblemen get annoyed by French courtiers doing a play about beating Germans so they shoot up the theatre and everyone involved finds this hilarious

>sweatingpharaoh.jpg

wrong. Ba'al Shamin or Bel was the supreme god of the Canaanites, equivalent to Zeus or Yahweh in that he was king of the gods and wielded thunderbolts

Savage.

>met Plato
>met Alexander the Great

yeah nah, most of these are bs since they lived centuries apart

East bloc oldfag with some Commie era jokes here:

Brezhnev is discussing whether to allow Soviet Jews to emigrate to Israel.

Brezhnev: "Comrade Kosygin, how many Jews are there in our country?"
Kosygin: "About three-four million"
Brezhnev: "And if we let them leave, how many of them will actually do it?"
Kosygin: "About ten-twelve million"

OVIR (visa and registration office) inspector is talking with Jewish academic, trying to convince him not to emigrate to Israel:

Inspector "You have good job, nice house, why do you want to leave?"
Jew "Well, I wouldn't leave but wife insists"
Inspector "You're the man in family! Can't you convince wife?"
Jew "Her parents insist too..."
Inspector "Can't you tell them to leave with her and you stay?"
Jew "But I'm only Jew in family"

Rabinovich was working in baby carriage factory. Since his wife was pregnant, he decided to steal parts one at a time after work to get one for her. He did it until he finally had all parts.

But every time he tried to put it together it was always AK47.

Monument to Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin, great Russian poet, was proposed. There was contest for monument design. Top three entries received awards and the best one was constructed. The winning designs depicted:

Third place: Pushkin reading the works of Stalin
Second place: Stalin reading the works of Pushkin
First place: Stalin reading the works of Stalin

What were comrade Mayakovsky's last words before his tragic suicide?

"Comrades, don't shoot!"

Man walks down street and sees poster with Lenin. The writing says "Comrade Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!". The man thinks - "I'd rather comrade Lenin lived"

Comrade Khrushchev visited ideal pig farm. In Pravda office there was discussion on how to caption front page photo. There were ideas of "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs" or "Comrade Khrushchev with pigs".

Final caption was "Comrade Khrushchev (third on left)"

During Olympics in Moscow Brezhnev makes opening speech. He looks down and starts reading.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Secretary taps him on shoulder and whispers:

"Comrade Brezhnev, that is Olympics logo, speech is below"

Brezhnev makes speech on party convention.

"Comrades Zionists!" he starts, but then he sees consternation among audience, so he checks his speech and starts over.

"Comrades! Zionists are once more plotting to..."

NKVD is making unit control. Three soldiers in barracks are dead, so they ask:

"What happened to this one?" asks NKVD officer
"He died because he ate some poisonous mushrooms"
"What about that one?"
"The same"
"And the last one?" asks NKVD officer, pointing at body with several bullet holes.
"He didn't want to eat mushrooms"

Car with lights off approaches house in the middle of night. In a moment someone starts breaking down door. The owner is terrified and in panic starts to burn his books and notes until the intruder stops him.

"Please calm down this is just burglary"

Student returns home sad after exam. He failed because he couldn't explain difference between socialist and capitalist economy.

"Don't worry" - says his father - "friend of mine could explain difference but couldn't return from exam".

Party comission is inspecting insane asylum. They see two groups of patients. One group is singing "Long live our happy Soviet homeland!"

Comissioner: "Why is other group not singing?"
Doctor: "They've been getting better"