What's your favorite story in the bible?

1 Kings chapter 12

fucking Samson

The lord of the rings, I mean, ring of Solomon.

>What's your favorite story in the bible?

Parable of the landowner and the wicked tenants.

youtube.com/watch?v=qoct4ah4tL8

The part where the kids from (I forgot which) city make fun of a guy for being bald and he curses them so two bears come out the forest and maul the children to death

Book of Job. Always seemed like the depressing ancient desert jew version of Trading Places to me.

>yfw there were many animals in ME

>yfw problably arabshit killed them all

It also just grew less wetter over time. Desertification in the Middle East is tied to desertification in Sahara because of winds and the monsoon cycle. Many regions of the Middle East were thick with forests or savanna, they're gone now. Humans accelerate the progress and always have via their need for firewood.

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0069665

books.google.com/books?id=dxi9DgAAQBAJ&pg=PA107&#v=onepage&q&f=false

prophet who wrote it was probably mad when some punks made fun of his baldness

Oh, /pol/, you rapscallion!

You mean the one where the Arab youths were going to murder a prophet of God, and God sent bears out to fuck them up?

Yeah, that's one of my favorites too!

Except of course I understand it, and you're a half-wit.

The one in which Ezekiel has a vision of the throne of God being carried by eldritch abominations such as myriad-eyed four-dimensional wheels and the 4 headed mess cherubs featuring an eagle, lion, ox and human head, then he is presented with a parchment and God tells him to eat it, and the madman does. Then he goes back to the village, prepares the plan for a siege and lies in bed for a whole year eating only bread baked with poop as fuel, but God was considerate of him and let it be cow poop instead of human poop.

Forgot picture.

The one in Exodus where Moses is returning to Egypt with his wife and son, who he hadn’t circumcised, so God shows up and tries to kill Moses while he’s resting until his wife circumcises their son on the spot and throws the foreskin on his feet.

The whole story of King David.

>being a protty

Prophet Elisha in 2 Kings

the one where jacob wrestles and angel. Fucking badass

Nice headcanon

shrek

I love how the Bible's evaluation of David is basically
>10/10, he was perfect and everything he did was right, except for that time he cucked a guy and then killed him and married his wife but let's not dwell on that

That one is actually creepy. Usually YHWH gives some warning before he turns on people like that, but this one comes out of nowhere. And usually he sends someone/something else to punish people, whereas this story describes YHWH straight up coming after Moses personally (makes sense in a way since Moses was also the only Prophet he would talk to "face to face"). The idea of a previously friendly god just coming to kill you one day for some obscure reason is scary.

This , you're thinking of the similar story of Lot in Genesis, who almost gave his daughters up to be gangraped in Sodom.

There's still a small handful of cheetahs in Iran.

>That one where Ehud the judge stabbed the shit out of a fat guy and locked him in the bathroom so no one would find out he was dead

Judges is fucking gold
>Gideon getting ready to attack 135,000 infidels with 22,000 Israelites
>God: Hold on, I don't want anyone thinking you won this battle on your own. Let's thin the ranks. Tell everyone who's afraid to go home.
>12,000 Israelites leave
>God (the absolute madman): No, this is still too many. Only take people who lap water out of the river like dogs
>this narrows it down to 300 because who the fuck does that
>they all surround the enemy camp at night and all blow their trumpets at once
>everyone in the camp freaks out and starts attacking each other
>result: decisive Israelite victory

>mfw Pr*t*st*nts don't have Maccabees
>mfw they miss out on Rome Total War: The Bible.

Don't forget the Mongolians back filling the irrigation systems of the region and reversed thousands of years of cultivation of the land.

Not to mention it said that the guy was so fat that Ehud couldn't pull his knife out of his fat rolls

That part when Moses catches the people of Israel worshiping the golden calf which they got Aaron to make and he's so mad that he grinds it into powder, mixes it with water and forces the Israelites to drink it

I've heard of self flagellation for repentance but those hemorrhoids are metal.

Nah you just didn't read it. it's basically this
>he was a good kiddo that did good stuff but became a person so full of shit doing everything immoral a person can imagine but then he repented
That's why jews and christians like him because he is a person who tried to be good again after committing lots of sins

No, according to 1 Kings 15:5 it was just that one thing. There was also the time he was punished for conducting a census, but God told him to do that so wtf.

>the one where jacob wrestles Jesus

Did you not see them dwelling on that? The rebellion of his son, Absolom, and the rape of Tamar? Did you not see the sword staying over David's family, where his own family was his worst enemy? Did you stop reading after Bathsheba bore Solomon?

No, he's right. That happened. And neither the angels nor Lot's daughters were raped by the sodomites.

>>this narrows it down to 300 because who the fuck does that

People who keep an eye out for ambushes, that's who.

God told him not to count the people. He counted the people.

The ones where Angels have sex with human women and the one where Angels get raped by human men.

but that wasnt it, in jewish culture, baldness is a way to refer to someone as spiritually inept. In other words they were calling Elisha a man without God, effectively calling him a heathen, or heretic.

>Again the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, “Go, count the people of Israel and Judah.”
I know there are a lot of issues with translating the Bible, but how can this have meant DON'T count the people?

Rule of Pharaoh Joseph(he was only technically a vizier), first Jewish Pharaoh of Egypt, protector of Jews, oppressor of not-Jews, the first communist and nationalizator. So sad that ruling Egyptian class of Jews with rabbi Moses leave Egypt after that.

Angels didnt have sex with women, sons of GOD were seth descendants

No, they were telling him to "go up! go up!" like Elijah did.

They were threatening to kill him. These were not children anymore than a 16 year old throwing rocks at soldiers is a child.

Exodus 30:12 God told Moses, “When you take a census of the Israelites to count them, each one must pay the LORD a ransom for his life at the time he is counted. Then no plague will come on them when you number them.”

Because the people were not David's.

Angels had sex with women. The sons of God is a term that can apply to angels.

Hence the offspring being giants.

You're saying that Jews have demon blood, by the way.

Samson, David, Josef or Jakob.
Can't decide

Wasn't it god himself?
That's why he'll be called Israel from that moment on "he who restles with god" (and limbs afterward)

Yes, it was Jesus.

>one where Angels get raped by human men.
didn't happen.
Lot even offered his daughters for the men of Sodom, before they would touch his angelic guests (no one was raped, except by the angel of death/vengance that night)

Hate this meme of saying so-and-so who appeared on Earth in the OT was Jesus. If he was willing to just come down to Earth in human form whenever, what was the point of being born and having a whole childhood in 1 AD?

When we say Jesus = God, what do you think we mean?

When we say Jesus created the universe, what do you think we mean?

Any time in the OT you see The Angel of The Lord, it's preincarnate Jesus. Jesus did not start out like you. He started out in heaven, an eternity ago. He came down from heaven in the flesh to become a man, so that he could redeem mankind.

By the way, I am not saying Jesus is an angelic being. "Angel" means "messenger", and many things other than angelic beings can be messengers. In this case, The Angel of The Lord = Jesus.

Why do you think when Joshua met Jesus before Jericho that Jesus told him to take off his shoes, as he was standing on holy ground? Angels do not make things holy; 1/3 of the angels are in fact demonic.

>when Joshua met Jesus before Jericho
STOP.
>In this case, The Angel of The Lord = Jesus.
Then it wouldn't say the angel of the Lord, it would just say the Lord.

>what was the point of being born

It's wrapped up in the Law; in this case, the law of the kinsman redeemer. The clearest case of this is in the Book of Ruth.

In order to be a kinsman redeemer, and redeem land lost by a relative, the kinsman must be 1) kin, 2) able to afford it; and 3) willing to afford it.

Jesus became human so that he could be our kinsman redeemer. He was 1) kin to humanity; 2) able to afford it, and 3) willing.

Humanity had to pay for its crimes against the Father.

Jesus paid for those crimes, all of them, in full.

It in fact says The Angel of The Lord.

Joshua 5
And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, a Man stood opposite him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, “Are You for us or for our adversaries?”

So He said, “No, but as Commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.”

And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped, and said to Him, “What does my Lord say to His servant?”

Then the Commander of the Lord’s army said to Joshua, “Take your sandal off your foot, for the place where you stand is holy.” And Joshua did so.

This is one of my favorite stories. Joshua asks "are you for us, or for our enemies?"

And Jesus says "No."

Do you agree that the Son was sent by the Father?

Then you agree that the Son is a messenger of the Father, spoke what the Father told him to speak, and did what the Father told him to do.

In other words, an Angel of the Father.

Note also the capital M in Man, the capital H in Him, and his position as Commander of the army of the Lord.

Matthew 26:53 Or do you think that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels?

The one when god told us that a last prophet will come to this world and rebuilt the religion...but sadly the Christians and kike removed this part from bible and idk why

Because it came from satan, probably.

>Then you agree that the Son is a messenger of the Father, spoke what the Father told him to speak, and did what the Father told him to do.
That sounds like you're saying the Son is subservient to the Father and not coequal. Jesus didn't need to be told what to do, he already had as much knowledge of what needed to be done as the Father.

>the capital M in Man, the capital H in Him
This is not a feature of the original Hebrew, in fact capitalizing pronouns that refer to God is a relatively recent convention.

>be muzzie god
>send two ''messages''
>they get corrupted
>send another ''message''
what corrupted the first two will surely corrupt the third.

John 5:19 Then Jesus answered and said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner.

Yes, it's the English convention to denote divinity. The KJV used LORD for YHWH, and Lord for Adonai.

And capitalized H for any pronoun corresponding to God.

Except that the third was originally corrupt.

John 17

John 5:19 Then Jesus answered and said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner.

John 17
“I have manifested Your name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. 7 Now they have known that all things which You have given Me are from You. 8 For I have given to them the words which You have given Me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came forth from You; and they have believed that You sent Me.

>And capitalized H for any pronoun corresponding to God.
No, the KJV does not do that. And what does a convention imposed by English translators have to do with anything?

>and not coequal
Who is greater? The one who sends, or the one who is sent?

Who is greater? Him, or He who sits at His right hand?

When written in all caps, LORD stands in for the Tetragrammaton YHWH, יְהוִה, pronounced Yahweh by some, and Jehovah by others. For instance, we read “in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens” (Genesis 2:4b). LORD God, in this instance, appears as YHWH Elohim, יְהוָה אֱלֹהִים. The word Jehovah only appears four times in the Old Testament of the KJV, such as in Isaiah 12:3, where it is translated as LORD Jehovah, and in Hebrew we find יָה יְהוָה, Yah Yahweh, or Yah Jehovah.

When the word lord is all lower case, it stands for the Hebrew אֲדֹנָי, adonai, meaning lord. This is a title of respect. In 1 Kings 3:17a, for instance, it is used when referring to King Solomon: “And the one woman said, O my lord, &c.” The Hebrew is rendered as אֲדֹנִי, adonai. When this title of respect is used for addressing YHWH, then adonai or אֲדֹנִי, is translated as Lord, with the first letter capitalized. In Isaiah 19:4b we have: “and a fierce king shall rule over them, saith the Lord.” The word Lord is capitalized as it stands in for YHWH, as a title of respect for Him. In Hebrew it appears as HA-ADON, הָאָדוֹן, or the Lord.

Isaiah 19:4 is interesting indeed, as all three examples are in one verse: “And the Egyptians will I give over into the hand of a cruel lord; and a fierce king shall rule over them, saith the Lord, the LORD of hosts.” The first lord is in all lower case and refers to the cruel Egyptian lords, the second Lord refers to YHWH by the title of honor, and the third instance, in all caps, LORD replaces the word YHWH:

וְסִכַּרְתִּי אֶת־מִצְרַיִם בְּיַד אֲדֹנִים קָשֶׁה וּמֶלֶךְ עַז יִמְשָׁל־בָּם נְאֻם הָאָדוֹן יְהוָה צְבָאוֹת ׃

>be hairy jew fuck
>the fucking midianites and amalekites are shitting all over our land
>again
>it seems to happen whenever we turn away from God but look we're not fucking retarded it's just hard to explain, what can we say, the idols have nice titties
>guy called Gideon smashes the altar to Baal and Ashera, shouting that we're a bunch of fuckups, to stop being filthy heathens, and that it's time to go kill the infidels
>go with him because it's not like I have anything better to do now that I can't jack off to idols any more
>he raises a host of tens of thousands, feeling pretty confident
>Gideon says that two out of every three men is a fucking pussy and he doesn't want any pussies following him
>well I'm not a pussy
>but I am feeling a bit less confident now that two thirds of the fucking army left
>we're brought to a river
>Gideon says that the only people allowed from this point on to be in his club is anybody who drinks out of the river by sticking their face into it like a dog
>fuck I thought nobody knew I did that
>thankfully I'm not alone
>but now we're only three hundred strong
>go to sleep and have a dream about a loaf of bread rolling into a camp and knocking over a big tent, I don't know what the fuck

>finally go over to the camps of the midianites and amalekites and who the fuck knows who else has moved in
>holy shit
>their camels alone were so numerous that you may as well try to count sand on the beach
>Gideon hears me telling a friend about my fucked up bread dream
>gets this fucking look on his face that I don't like at all, the sort of look that says "it's time to go somehow kill everybody here as soon as we cull the herd again by sorting out everybody who has or hasn't had dreams about bread"
>thankfully this doesn't happen
>expect to be handed a sword
>get handed a fucking trumpet
>we all sneak up to the camp ready to give the biggest wake up call in history
>the cacophony of our shitty trumpet playing is the most horrible sound I've ever heard
>the midianites are so fucking confused by the maniacal dooting that they start attacking each other
>I don't even know what the fuck
>later we come up on what's left of them, it's still three hundred against fifteen thousand
>just charge into them and somehow we fucking wrecked them,
>go back afterwards and beat the shit out of a bunch of fags who didn't give us bread

But that translation convention is one in which you are capitalizing "Lord" in certain cases because you think it's talking about God. You can't use that to prove that the meaning of a Hebrew passage is that a given "Adon" is referring to God in this instance; it shows nothing other than what the translator believed.

youtube.com/watch?v=AMGSdynQrak

>"I'll show you who's the boss of this desert"

The bible is the inspired Word of God. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.

Jesus, Yehoshua, is YHWH.

I need to read this one. That’s some cultural enrichment I’ve been missing out on.

The Gnostic gospel story where baby Jesus tames a dragon.

The Nephilim existed before the flood (and may have been the reason for it). Since the Anakim in Canaan are mentioned as being descended from the Nephilim, it probably means that the giant genes were passed on by one of Noah’s sons, meaning we all have demon blood.

It's funny because "idols" can,be anything that we spend most of our time over god. That includes school, the internet, and other material things that we put all of our attention too. Are we really any less hardheaded than the Isrealities were these days? Just food for thought.