American Civil War
North
>I really like power and territory and the fact the Constitution took it from me pisses me off so I'm going to rape and kill women and children
South
>I'm not giving up a nigger I spent $25 on
Irish war of Independence
IRA
>I really want the Brits to stop killing children
UK
>I really want to keep killing children!
Other urls found in this thread:
books.google.com
books.google.com
twitter.com
WW1 everyone; what are we fighting about?
Korean War
North Korea
>gibs me dat
United States
>FREEEEDOMMMMMMMMM
China
>GWEILO GO HOME
Yugoslav wars
"Yugoslavia was a mistake"
Britain
>muh balance of powah
Germany
>the personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Belgian
Russian Civil War
>Bolsheviks
Stop eating food
>Whites
Stop eating food
Do you actually know how much slaves were worth, shit for brains?
I got her half price she didn't have any legs
WW1 is a war that you’re actually most correct to simplify as being fought over nothing.
Trying to assign blame to anyone except everyone or virtue to anyone except nobody is the brainlet analysis.
France’s motive was pretty damn clear:
>KILL THE BOCHES
>KILL THE BOCHES
>KILL THE BOCHES
>VOUS N’AUREZ PAS L’ALSACE ET LA LORRAINE
>muh revanchism
Not assigning blame is the pro-central powers view. They wanted and did everything to get this war and by God they got it. Germany didn’t even suffer a tenth enough to expiate it’s sins.
American Civil War
US
>Since the CSA attacked us, coexistence isn't an option and we have to reunite the US. They all ignored the ultimatum to surrender by 01/01/1863, so abolition is now an official war goal
CSA
>Slavery must be constantly expanded to new states to endure, and with a Republican president that is endangered. We must secede to preserve slavery, and all federal property not vacated by US forces and officials must be seized.
Didn’t the confederacy end their involvement in the slave trade at the request of the brits?
That’s correct as far as the European power go, but the US had a completely god tier motive
>”lmao look at all dumb old yuros fighting over nothing, I’m gonna profiteer off their autism and jump in on whichever side owes me more money near the very end, then use my leverage to heavily dictate the terms of the peace treaty”
At least that was an intelligent motive. In the absence of moral options, best to go with the least dumb one.
>In the absence of moral options
>Central Powers
>Push allies to war over nothing by dictating batshit terms
>Smaller power accept these terms
>Declare war anyway
>Attack before war declaration
>Attack two neutral countries
>Brutally rape one
>use weapons you had agreed were off-limits
>methodically destroy and booby trap everything when you have to retreat
>attack neutral shipping
>genocide millions
>start colonizing territories you “liberated”
>infect with and fund bolshevism
>100 years later kaiserboos will defend you and say there were no good guys
>meanwhile, the Entente:
>kinda violate a minor ”””neutral“““ country’s sovereignty then give them land for their trouble
>don’t respect promises made to litterally who tribal leader
Germany: Today I'll declare war on.... THE ENTIRE WORLD
Everyone else: wtf why did Germany declare war on us
>only the Central Powers wanted the war
the slave trade ended decades before the civil war
Germany
>i need like, space to like, live in
Russia
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOTHERLAAAANNNNND
Of course not, the French were seething and waiting for an opportunity to pounce, but the Germans are still the ones who started it.
World War II
Allied Powers (excluding Communist faggots)
>dude, could you like stop attacking invading other countries without provocation, plundering them of anything of value, and mass murdering their populations to fulfill your retarded racialist autism?
Axis Powers
>ACHTUNG! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME MURDER POLISH AND JEWISH BABIES WITH INDUSTRIAL PESTICIDES IN PEACE?! YOU ARE THE AGGRESSOR! DRESDEN WAS THE SHOAH, BUT REAL GO-err I mean UNTERMENSCH! YOU! THE ONES WHO REPEATEDLY IGNORED OUR REPEATED ABROGATIONS OF EVERY TREATY WE EVER SIGNED, ARE THE WARMONGERS! MUH JOOS! MUH JOOS!
Soviet Union
>Listen Western Allies, I know we totally violated the sovereignty of Poland and provided significant economic aid to Nazi Germany, but give us billions of dollars in weapons, food, and fuel, and I PROMISE we won't take over Eastern Europe for the next fifty years.
Winter War
Finland:
>oh boi, I hope no soviet perkele come to fuck with me, we already had a problem with bolsheviks, solved that, but what about that GIANT FUCKING BOLSHEVIK COUNTRY RIGHT NEXT TO US?
USSR:
*looks at pre-revolution map*
>wait, Finland used to be a part of us? oh fuck, those motherfuckers aren't even commies, are they? OH SHIT THAT MUST MEAN THEY'RE STILL CAPITALIST IMPERIALIST REEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
*potential trotskyist general raises hand*
>but if we invade and annex Finland, wouldn't we in turn be imperialists as well?
*general is sent to gulag, replaced with one of stalin's cocksuckers.*
USA
>SHEKELS$$$$$$$$$!!!
>SHEKELS$$$$$$$$$!!!
>nearly bankrupted the United States
Second Congo War
DRC
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Angola
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Chad
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Nambia
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Zimbabwe
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
LRA
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
FDLR
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Rwanda
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Uganda
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
Burundi
>Muh DIKK Muhfugga BIX NOOD! Chimpout time!
>Smaller power accept these terms
Didn't Serbia accept all but the one where they had to let Austrian police "search" the country or something along those lines?
I think it's better as "alright guys, he's finally dead, you know the drill"
ww2
germany
>ok we are gonna take back some of our stolen land
allies
>ok
germany
>ok we are gonna walk into austria and take it because we are friends
allies
>umm
germany
>ok we are going to invade poland for no fucking reason
allies
>wait dont do that
germany
>no
Germany ultimately did the world a favor by jumping the gun on WW1. Tensions in the air in Europe were so thick at the time you could cut it with a butter knife.
In the absence of a clear definition of who’s most powerful, war is always inevitable. In WW2, you had different thoughts and ideologies fighting so you could weigh the morals, but in WW1 it was just your typical power struggle. Complaining about somebody breaking “muh rules” about going war has always been a pisspoor excuse if there’s nobody who’s actually capable of enforcing those rules. It should have been already completely obvious at the time that that type of warfare Europe was used to was destined to abandon its archaic sensibilities, because the American Civil War has already showed the world a new standard of not pulling your punches.
The biggest thing you should criticize Germany for in WW1 for is their complete ignorance and miscalculation of the United States becoming a possible factor.
WWII Pacific theater
Japan
>gibs me dat
China
>no
Japan
>AAAAAAAAAA *invades*
The civil war was of no importance and the us had no major effect on ww1.
>third century crisis
>emperor
lads i love you but we gotta change some shit ar-- *assassinated*
>literally anyone in charge of more than 100 men
you guys are chill right? cool im emperor now
>hurr
The American Civil War proved that humanity was completely capable of rolling around in the dirt to win a war. That’s why it’s considered the first true modern war. Much like the American Revolution wasn’t specifically the main reason the French Revolution happened, it simply showed that it was bound to happen.
The first battle in the Civil War actually had wealthy people in the north who owned a buggy drive to the battle field to watch thinking it be a neat spectacle. From there the war continually unraveled in to a horrific depressing display of the lengths man is willing to go to win a war between brothers.
it was because of new technologies you moron. Everythin done during a cheevauche is exponentially more humiliating to both sides
>what is inflation
Back in the day you could get a bucket of candy for 5 cents.
The CSA didn't allow the for the slave trade to help their image in the international community that never recognized them. Some wanted the slave trade reopened as to drive down prices when domestic traders would compete with international traders since slave prices kept going up due to the ban and blockade of Africa. They actually hated the slave trade and juxtaposed that against how they treated their slaves to make the case it was actually relatively human and abolition was unnecessary.
It's talked about in pages 100-103 of this old book.
books.google.com
and this book by Edward Pollard, highly recommend reading his books the Lost Cause and Lost Cause Regained (not the same lost cause mythology that came later)
books.google.com
It was because of new technologies AND an underestimation of people’s willingness to actually use such deadly devices. Richard Gatling invented the Gatling gun thinking that people would see how destructive it was and think, “Oh well, I wouldn’t go THAT far” to stop bloodshed, but it ultimately just made war even worse.
People were naive as fuck. They thought society had evolved to a point where they were past such primal behaviors, but it turns out war really never changes, only the technology does. If the UK hadn’t been so naive, they could have interjected themselves during the Franco-Prussian war to stop Germany’s consolidation of power, but chose to let it play out despite being the de facto world police at the time.
Mexican-American War
>USA
Free Texas
>Mexico
No
>USA
DO IT
>Mexico
OH SHIT THEY TOOK THE CAPITAL
delete this
>USA
Ok now gib dat
Vietnam War
US
>we gotta stawp gommuniz from spreading like my gonnerea!
USSR
>we've gotta help stir up a gommuznist revolutzune in Vietnam!
North Vietnam
>fuck da french and fuck capittallisuzum! We've gotta make a loose alliance with the soviets against muriberger imperiaaliezism
South Vietnam
>We've gotta fight the gommies like the muricabergers told us cause shekels n shieeet!
That’s ww2
Third Punic War
Carthage:
>the second Punic war is over... time to rebuild and pay our debts.
>After that: Live and let live, right?
Rome:
>What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
But it was mostly France.
100 years war
England: CHRIST IN HEAVEN DO I LOATHE THE FRENCH
France: JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH IN A CHRISTWAGON, I HATE THE ENGLISH
Why does everyone pretend like WW1 wazs some huge clusterfuck? The motivations were simple as fuck.
>Serbia
These demands are impossible to comply with without seeming like huge cucks. We can at least save face with a war.
>Austria
I really want to fuck up Serbia so I can temporarily look good and distract everyone from the fact my country is falling apart.
>Russia
In a drunken haze I said I was the defender of Slavs so I have to help Serbia.
>France
I need revenge for 1870. Oh I guess I also have that treaty with Russia.
>Germany
Cool I get to help Austria beat up a small Balkan country. Surely if I act like a huge asshole, nobody else will get involved and nothing can go wrong.
>Britain
If Germany wins, they'll challenge me for muh waves next. Oh I guess I also have that treaty with Belgium.
>Italy
The allies are definitely going to win, but I'll be a cocktease to both sides to try and get a better deal.
>Ottomans
I'll help the entente if they promise not to let Russia fuck me up in few years. No? Shit might as well back the krauts then.
>US
We're culturally still British as fuck, but we just got a ton of German immigrants the last couple of years. We can make some money, but still not get our hands dirty. Shit the war is almost over, let's go punch Germany in the back of the head for funsies (also if the entente loses, how will we collect their debts?).
>Japan
All the whiteys are distracted, time to grab some clay.
The Great Emu War
>Australia
Hey we can plant here
>Emus
Fuck your crops. Fuck you. Get out
>Veeky Forums
I just want to promote Communism on this Anime Website
>/pol/
Fuck Leftists
>Lefty/pol/
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE /pol/
>Veeky Forums
I just want to show people how Marx and Hitler were illiterate dreamers who were impotently obsessed with hatred of X.
>/pol/ and /leftypol/
[autistic schreeching]
>>Veeky Forums
>I just want to promote Communism on this Anime Website
That's a load of bullshit and you know it.
Every thread I've seen with commies in it has had them absolutely BTFO by libertarians and/or monarchists.
Not being retarded """natsocs""" doesn't make us fucking communists.
Rome:
> What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little Carthagian? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in the Gladiator School and I am a top ranked Centurion and Ive been involved in numerous secret raids on Carthage and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gladiator warfare and Im the top archer in the entire Roman army. You are nothing to me but just another pleb. I will wipe you the fuck out with flaming arrows and precision the likes of which has never been seen before in the Empire, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Forum? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Praetorians across Rome and your Horse is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little pile of rocks you call your city. Youre fucking dead, pleb. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my short sword. Not only am I extensively trained in gladiatorial combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Roman Army and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the Empire, you little slave. If only you could have known what ungodly retribution your little clever attack was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking elephants. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the price, you goddamn pleb. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youre fucking dead, Carthagian.
American Revolution
British
>I hope you don't mind if we raise the taxes a bit to help settle our debts after this long and blood war with France
United Colonies
>1776 WILL COMMENCE IF YOU TRY AND TAKE OUR FIREAR-errr I mean TAX US UNFAIRLY
PICK ANY WAR WITH FROGS AND BONGS
bongs
>(post tea smoking time) Say chaps isn't it time to give those froggies a good hiding? Been a bit hasn't it?
frogs
>les rosboefs deservent a good horsecock up the backside mes amis let's ride!
SHOOT 'EM UP COMMENCES THEN WEATHER TURNS BAD EVERYBODY GOES HOME AND THAT'S IT 'TIL NEXT TIME