How to diet with binge eating disorder?

Advice and fat shaming are both welcome and appreciated.

I'm 22, male, 350lbs, been a disgusting obese pig almost my whole life. I know how to count calories and optimize my nutrition, but I'm not doing it because it conflicts with my identity as a gluttonous weak willed fatty. I so profoundly loathe my body that a powerful part of me wants it to stay ugly and inefficient forever. I'm seeking weight loss now because I can't take the pain of feeling this way about myself any longer, yet at the same time I can't let go, and so all my attempts to diet are foiled by my inexplicable need to be a fatty.

I've tried dieting, but it's just not harsh enough for me. The way I see it, even if I lose weight, I can't feel okay about myself unless in the process I endure the suffering I fucking deserve for being such a huge greedy slob. I've tried fasting, too. It's hard. Not hard enough to make me feel like I'm getting my proper comeuppance, but hard. And it worked, too, for awhile. But inevitably I rebounded, and then I tried again and rebounded again, and again, and again. I just wish there were some way I could stop being so weak and just fast without stopping.

That's just a dream, of course. Obviously the only healthy way to lose all this weight is to keep my net calories low but not too low. How can I come to terms with the inevitability of not getting the punishment I deserve? If I start improving my lifestyle now, then what were all those years of lazing around and pigging out about? I'm not willing to let go of them. If I start being a good person now, then what was all my hard work to be a fat lazy scum of the earth even worth?

It's almost like I'm using binge eating and extreme restriction as a protective barrier. If I can be thin without putting myself through hell, then how do I make sure no one beats me to the punch? If there's a risk of someone hurting me before I can manage to preemptively hurt myself, then is not being obese even worth it?

P R O F F E S S I O N A L H E L P
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Is what you need man. Also you really expect me to read all this shit?
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1. stop binging

2. stop trying to cut as fast as possible

3. cut slowly with a balanced diet and decent amount of calories, eat green vegetables every single day

4. let the fat come off slowly and stop thinking about it so much

5. couple the above with lifting and some cardio

Honestly at this point get a therapist that specializes in food addiction or eating disorders. Random people on a Chinese basket weaving forum can't help.

Eat the way you normally do and just lift all the time

You'll still be fat, but you won't be as fat and you'll be stronk as fuck

If you can, throw out all of the food you have now. All of it. Then, whenever you are hungry, walk to a nearby grocery store and buy FRESH PRODUCE for you to prepare and eat at home. Drink only water. Get enough sleep.

Being fat is bad. Don't encourage it you retard.

>binge eating disorder

Is that what they call having no discipline or willpower now?

You need to seek help.
I was a binge eater, with the help of a professional therapist I was able to figure out why I was doing it. Eating like this is caused by an emotional block and getting help will give you the tools to fight it.

You need a daily affirmation that you read when you wake up and before you go to bed. It has to say something like "I am a healthy weight, and I do the things that people at a healthy weight do." Read up on affirmations because there's a lot of psychology involved. You have to really delude yourself into believing you are a healthy person. In doing so, you'll lose your attachment to your old self and BECOME the healthy person.

As for punishment, take your ass to the gym and make your body beg for fucking mercy. Over and over and over.

Guess what, fatties? Fat People Hate isn't some secret society. We aren't the dregs of society come together to "make fun of people [and I use that word loosely] behind their backs". Do you really want to know who we are?

We are...
your coworkers
your customers
your clients
your vendors
your servers
your service providers
your babysitters
your friends
your best friends
your cousins
your siblings
your parents
your children
and many, many more.

We aren't some mystical dregs of society that congregate to "talk shit about people behind our computers". We are the general public. We can't say the shit we say out in public because we care about not getting fired or perhaps kicked out of public places.
Don't think for one moment that we are some special breed of person full of hate, oh no. We are everywhere. We are everyone -- everyone who isn't a fucking hambeast thinks and feels the exact same way.
When you're out in public and you see a thin person and you think they're judging you, guess what? You're right. We do judge you. Constantly.
When we see a fat person, "even" someone who "only" has 30 pounds to lose, the immediate thought that pops into our heads is "fat". That is all we can see, because that is all that you are. Not only do you no longer resemble the human form and thus cross into Uncanny Valley territory, but you are a drain on the economy, on healthcare, and on our personal fucking space. And we hate you. We all hate you.
We want you to know that no matter where you go, no matter how many of us may smile at you in passing, no matter how many of us speak kindly to you throughout the day... you disgust us. You always have and you always will, until you finally get your shit together and realize there is more to life than Coke and cake.
We are judging you. All the time. Never forget that.

Thank you. This is nothing I didn't know already, but knowing you heard what I had to say and still believe it's worth it to tell me this gives me hope that I can do it. If you two don't think how disgustingly obese I am makes a difference in whether I'm worth the effort or not, then neither do I.

That's literally what disordered habits are. A lack of control. No different than bulimia or anorexia. Fuck off.

I have a disorder that makes me fuck your mom every night haha

It amuses me that you assume I didn't know this.

tl;dr

Before I get b& for this advice for invoking the name, I would highly recommend joining fatlogic on reddit. Please heed this advice. It's a good no-nonsense support group and doesn't sugarcoat what it takes to actually lose weight. It's like FPH but a bit nicer (but not by much), and less degenerate than Veeky Forums (but not by much).

Thanks. I'll look into it. No-nonsense may be just what I need. And if not, well, worst that could happen is it will drive me back into a restrictive phase and keep me there long enough to lose this weight the *wrong* way, and hey, I'll take what I can get.

this

OP the whole "fat shame me!" thing is indicative of whatever turmoil you've got going on prompting you to continue doing this. feeling ashamed is only going to perpetuate the cycle.

Feeling ashamed is a good first step to change. Admitting "Damn, I fucked up. I can't keep living like this." is a good thing, it means he isn't complacent anymore. People should be ashamed of their bad choices, it's okay to feel bad sometimes.

Intermittent fasting works for me. If I just reduce calories I'll end up binging.

On mobile now, so if it doesn't say OP that's why.

I know you're right, but I need this. Part of me believes if I feel more shame, I'll eat less, and I know it's wrong, but it won't shut up. Professional help has been helpful but it can only do so much, and when it fails me, this stupid shit is what happens.

In general, I absolutely agree with you. But in my case in particular, believe me, I've never been complacent about my size. I've hated myself for being too fat since before I even *was* fat. If only I could move beyond that first step I've been stuck in for 16 years. At this point it's not even "I fucked up" anymore. It's "I *am* a fuck up." You know what I'm saying?

ABSOLUTE SAVAGE

life is life. there is a certain amount of time that you will be alive. after that, nothing. so, live that life literally how the fuck ever you want. if you want, be fat. if you want, be fit. if you want, just complain about your problems and change nothing. maybe u just need to whine and get attention? maybe just an energy release of negativity? maybe you are cool with bein fat, and tryin to justify it in yourself by discussing on it, so you can stay fat? maybe you want to be fit but you can find the motivation? idk. its all in your head. you are the one who will suffer or who will enjoy. and some enjoys suffering and negative emotions. maybe even if u get fit, you will find something else to be negative about?

see the big picture, and realize what you are actually doin, what you actually want. few years and we will be all dead. and nothing will matter. so, enjoy it at least. in however way you want.

My trouble is the things that I want contradict each other. I want to be able to love my body (thin) yet also feel safe in it and feel like it belongs to me (fat). On further consideration, I think this reflects a need for a mindset change. I need to find another way to feel safe.

thats the perfect mindset for bodybuilding actually. but again u might go overboard on that this time and get in *bearmode* thing too much.

about mindset.. its not just you. everybody tries to identify themselves with something, or they feel at loss. this might become bodybuilding here, or makin money, bein fanatic about something, gettin girls, having a specific type of diet, wearing a type of clothes that reflects your self identity etc. so you are not alone. just that your one makes you fat. so, chance the current at least, for starters. get in lifting.

about mindset change. well my advise would be-tho always easier to say it then doing it-, dont try to hold onto something. even if its your body. nothing lasts forever. you know that feeling of safeness is a delusion. i mean, maybe it gives you excuses to not do specific things? like -im fat so i cant do this. in that case it might be useful for you in some ways but apparently not workin so well. so that option erased too. idk wat else?

Thank you for the advice. I think the feeling of safeness is more about a childhood experience with sexual abuse. You're right, nothing lasts forever, and one day I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that what happened to me happened for no good reason, it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done, and most importantly, it's unlikely to happen again. But I'm nowhere near a point of acceptance. I'm not even out of the phase of denial. Which is pretty pathetic, because it's been 17 years. So until that time, I do need to hold onto something that can protect me. It just has to be... something else. Something that won't give me a heart attack in the next twenty years.

If I can just get a *start* on cutting and bulking, I can definitely see it becoming my new safety net. If I got strong enough, that strength could make me feel safe. But the pattern of feeling safe in being disgusting is so deeply ingrained for me, it will take a long time to switch over.

I wasn't as bad as you describe yourself but simply refusing to eat for 1 week and drinking only water "reset" my shit and I realized k was eating constantly bc I was a bored,lazy and not being proactive in my own life. Do a water fast for a few days/week and then you can get to a normal diet. And/or go to the dr and get prescribed ad detail for your B.E.D problem

Ah, you got out of it with just a week, huh? I'm glad for you.

I've tried water fasting on and off, longest I've gone is three weeks. Each time I come off it, it just seems to make things worse until I do it again. But then again, each time I do it, I can do it a little longer. My hope has been to break through the "barrier" and just do it forever. I now realize that's unrealistic.

Bored, lazy, me? Nah. But I can definitely relate to not being proactive in my own life. My living situation makes that kind of hard. But starting the 22nd, the opportunity to be proactive in my life will be available to me. I'm really excited.

You might be right about medication being the way to go. I started an antidepressant a few days ago. It already seems to be helping a bit.

Everyone knows this but thanks for the essay? Faggot.

no probs mate
abuse huh? of course it will fuck u up. i dont think anyone with that history can live in a cotton candy psychology.
i, personally, dont put meanings over things. things just happen. good and bad. we cant know the train of occurrences reason. we cant know the abusers psychology and history. and even we knew, it wouldnt change anything. yes, you could have not live that event. most simply by not being there. everything might have be different. your life might have been all different, and you could be living a dream life. but it didnt. for me too. for everybody. things happen, we survive and we move on. clinging, drilling, what if'ing.. unnecessary, pointless. enjoy life. there is nothing else to do. say whatever.

dont cut, if u dont feel like it. u know what they say; do whatever u can. just go lift, and eat proteins. you will find your way from there. maybe u become a good ass powerlifter who knows? if u want, i mean.

Those anti depressants are real complicated dude I'm no dr but I'm sure you heard about the possibility for adverse reactions.l just be careful with that I would chose amphetamines over maoi's or ssri's desu.

I forgot the main part of why I did the fast, I went to the dr and got a fuck load of tests. Full blood panel with a1c, cholesterol, lipids, thyroid check, s tress test and an ekg and the results showed that I was literally borderline/pre- 'berry us high bp, have a fatty liver despite no drugs, insulin resistant, high bp, heart getting fucked bc of salt and basically the k lay thing keepin me from getting ill was the but of youth I have left.

You should get some tests done so that you KNOW your hurting yourself.

It might not seem like it but eating right and getting healthy is more easy then continuing on your path it takes a shit load of money and time to eat that much as you and I do/did. Try looking it as a money thing rather then eat all that save the money to go on a trip and if your embarrassed just tell yourself "this is me right now fuck everyone else I'm working on it"

Goodluck

I just don't get it. I can drop soda candy junk and all that and it won't really affect my weight like how other people drop double digit lbs after some time. I guess it's because I didn't consume much of that in the first place, but my fat is incredibly stubborn. At a time, I ate 1200 calories daily (I stuck to that strictly, and I'm a woman so I didn't think it was too low) also low carb, exercised 1-2 hrs EVERY DAY both cardio and lifting and in a matter of 6 months I lost only 30 lbs. My friend lost at least 50 in a similar time frame and def ate more. In addition, I was in school (lots of walking) and working 2 moderately physical jobs (walmart sales floor and working with toddlers). I was 23 at the time. Is weight loss just not for certain people...?

You lost a pound of fat every 6 days. That's legit. 3500 calories to burn off does take effort. Some people just have diff shit going on, maybe the person you comparing yourself to had more water weight then you and lost that easier or maybe they loss more muscle then you did bc you were lofting,who knows. What's important is that you were on top of your shit and being steady, don't get discouraged bc it's not happening fast enough, be excited that your on your way

You're so right. It's going to be awhile before I can realize this for myself, that the most we can strive for is to enjoy life. But I definitely agree.

Damn that's scary. I'm in a similar situation, my tests show I've developed a high BP and metabolic syndrome, I might be starting to get fatty liver but it's not very bad yet. It's definitely clear to me that I'm hurting myself, but the fucked up thing is being thin is a bigger motivator for me than staying alive.

I love the money idea. I'll have to start thinking about it in those terms. I'm definitely aware of how expensive this lifestyle is, but maybe if I focused more on it, it would curb my compulsions.

Thanks.

Don't think of it as "dieting", think of it as "learning how to eat correctly".

Beautiful!