How do you do it Veeky Forums?

How do you do it Veeky Forums?

It's been almost 2 years since I've visited this place and it's almost as if this is the only place left to go

Let me take you back to 2014,
I was an very active lifter
My lifts were at the highest they'd ever
B:130, S:170, D:205
I'd spend 2-3 hours at a time in the gym 4 days a week
I was 19 years old, 6'4" and weighed 110kgs (242lbs) @ 16/17% bf and I'd competed in powerlifting a couple times before

I was always THE GUY at the gym
I knew everyone and everyone knew me
I always helped where I could and was there to talk to anyone of they ever needed it
The gym was my life and I thank Veeky Forums for helping me

About mid 2014 from a combination of heavy weight, stubborness and bad form I injured myself
I was training for a competition at the end of the year
I had always had a bad back and I guess powerlifting didn't help
plus with the competition looming near I had to bump up the weight I was training at - which contributed to the bad form.

The injury turned out to be a bulging disk

The pain was so bad I was literally walking with a cane and at a right angle for months
I met with the neurosurgeon and after talking to him for a bit we decided on having surgery

The surgery is called a microdiscectomy, where they basically shave the disk back so it no longer is pushing on the nerve

I was put on a year waiting list but I was lucky and only had to wait 6 months
( ironically the day of the surgery was the day of the competition )

Thanks to a combination of endone and oxycondone I dropped from 110kgs to 95kgs
I took about 4 weeks to recover to a point where I could stand

I kicked the drugs at 8 weeks post surgery as I didn't need them and didn't want to rely on them

After stopping the painkillers I regained the weight I had lost and more
At this point I weighed around 120kgs
I also just started my first year of uni and a new business at the same time

At 10 weeks I rentered the gym
I started with light weights

F

At this point i had been out of the gym for about 9 months
The weights felt different, there was no connection like I had before
the rage that I used to train with, was completely gone

But I pushed through
I couldn't spend hours at the gym like I used to
2-3 hours went down 30mins - 1 hour
I couldn't train my lower body due to the pain and no weight /stress allowed on my back
Surprisingly benching didn't place any strain on my back so I was left with that
Bench had always been my favourite.
I spend every 2nd/3rd day with benching in my session
You'd be surprised how much your bench will fly up when it's trained 3 times a week
I went from 70kg 1rm to a 140kg 1rm in 4 months (keeping in mind even though I had 9 months off my previous 1rm was 130kg)

But eventually the stress of my full time uni course and fI'll time business caught up to me
1 day skipped turned into 2 which turned into 7 etc
months passed where I didn't even go for 1 session

Fast forward to this year
I weigh 130kgs
I joined a new gym
stepping back in that first time brought back some great memories
but I face the same issue as before
the anger and hate that I drew my energy from, in which I used to feed off and take me to a place where no amount of weights or reps meant anything was replaced with doubt and self loathing
I can barely stay in the gym for more than 30 minutes without wanting to leave
The movements feel strange, the weight unforgiving
What used to be a warm up is now my max
I have nothing to feed off any more and I don't know how to train otherwise

So let me ask you again Veeky Forums
How do you do it?
How do you force yourself to go to the gym?
How do you do it with no rage and hate besides what is directed at yourself?
How do you pick up the pieces of what's left of your former glory, where at one stage your peak was not good enough and now you would give anything to have it back?

You can choose to believe my stats or not but at this point I don't think it matters

>I met with the neurosurgeon and after talking to him for a bit we decided on having surgery
neurosurgeon for your back?

fuck off with your essay.

It's going to be tough, but you're a big strong capable man and will be fine. Chin up old sport

He was a Brain and Spine Surgeon

>How do you do it?
just go
>How do you force yourself to go to the gym?
don't think much
>How do you do it with no rage and hate besides what is directed at yourself?
>self-improvement
>How do you pick up the pieces of what's left of your former glory, where at one stage your peak was not good enough and now you would give anything to have it back?
never had any

I feel like you linger onto your past too much. Do you think you're depressed? if so, do you think that incident was the reason for your loss of mojo? I just do it because it's fun and I like having a muscular build.

shut the fuck up

I went through a lot of things mentally in the last couple of years
I definitely think my injury was one of the causes of that, but also because of the stress from my daily life (uni and business)
It used to be fun for me but now not so everything is such an effort to which I have no energy or motivation

there are times where I get boosts ofor inspiration and want to get right back into it
but when I go, there's nothing
no feeling
no motivation
it feels unnatural and forced