Be a cuck

>be a cuck
>marry an actual porn star
>decide to bypass alimony and give actual prostitute half of the Byzantine empire
>run the only hope of securing the culture of Rome into the ground because of inferiority complex
>everybody hates you
>things start going really bad
>the prostitute you married cucks you and takes power
>outperforms you

Why is this guy liked at all again?

Why is Byzantine art so ugly compared to the art of the ancient Greeks and the western Romans?

>the ex prostitute happened to be one of best (co)rulers byzantines had to offer in HUNDREDS of years
the absolute state of greeks

>Credited with almost reconquering Italy when all due credit should go to Belisarius.

What did she do?

Because Christianity without European Pagan roots is a very very dull thing. Even more dull than Islam

um try again sweetie

t. The biggest brainlet

Who is this nerd

No joke

whos the guy with the afro

Theodora was Greek though?

>research why past rulers were named "great"
>find out they conquered new lands
>do that
>find out they did major building projects
>do that
>find out they did major legal reforms
>do that
He checked all the boxes, plebs.

Also
>muh cuck
Lots of emperors and empresses were fucked up sexually, some were pedos, some were gays, some were cheating or got cheated on. Marrying some hot (and intelligent) ex-prostitute is not that bad in context.

JUSTinian I

>Be Justinian
>I will retake North Africa and Italy
>Bulgars and Sklavinoi assravaging the Balkans
>Better build some fancy buildings, muh glory
>Oh yeah I'll build some forts in the balkans, but won't commit a lot of garrisons cause muh RECONQUEST
>Also I'll spend more money on making barbarians fight one another and stretch my empire's fiscal capacity further
>East and West split regards to religion
>Decide to persecute Eastern heretic sect
>Somehow fails
>Decide to renounce one of the sects to comply to the Eastern Monophysites
>Demand Latin Pope to sign the denouncement of 3 authors, refuses
>Put him under house arrest until he complies and signs the treaty
>Piss off the Western Latins for leaning too much to the Eastern side and force my shitty dogma on them
>Get so confused by Christ's nature I make a statement that contradicts the following I associate myself with
>Basically become a heretic
>Plague comes in
>Sassanids also attacking us
>Still need those Italian lands mofugga
>Slavs break through my frontier after 5 years of peace.
>Eventually Barbarian superstate forms that wants to conquer our land
>wtf why is West and East still split and angry

that's a woman lol

>implying the big dick painting in the middle left isn't a masterpiece

You are a joke.

Because all of the things you just listed aren't true?

My history is rusty so correct me if I'm wrong.

>Belisarius reconquers Italy
>Justinian gouges his eyes out

That's a legend you brainlet, he didn't actually get blinded.

>Lots of emperors and empresses were fucked up sexually...some were gays
Indeed. Not an emperor but a king, Richard Lionheart was thought to be a faggot but he was also a great king.

>build the greatest basilica the world has ever seen, and remain unmatched in scale until Renaissance Italy.
>catch the plague and survive, and still remain in power when recovered.
>reconquered North Africa, Italy, and Southern Spain in 35 years, and hold onto most of these gains for over 200 years save for Italy.
>Force the Persians to a peace, Persians break the truce and are still thrown back.
>codified a law code that's still in practice 1500 years later for over half the world's governments

Of all the schemers to crawl out of history and claim the title "the Great", Justinian really did deserve it, even if it meant stretching Rome to it's limit to restore its fallen glory.

>She was the kind of comedienne who delights the audience by letting herself be cuffed and slapped on the cheeks, and makes them guffaw by raising her skirts to reveal to the spectators those feminine secrets here and there which custom veils from the eyes of the opposite sex. With pretended laziness she mocked her lovers, and coquettishly adopting ever new ways of embracing, was able to keep in a constant turmoil the hearts of the sophisticated. And she did not wait to be asked by anyone she met, but on the contrary, with inviting jests and a comic flaunting of her skirts herself tempted all men who passed by, especially those who were adolescent.

On the field of pleasure she was never defeated.

>Often she would go picnicking with ten young men or more, in the flower of their strength and virility, and dallied with them all, the whole night through. When they wearied of the sport, she would approach their servants, perhaps thirty in number, and fight a duel with each of these; and even thus found no allayment of her craving. Once, visiting the house of an illustrious gentleman, they say she mounted the projecting corner of her dining couch, pulled up the front of her dress, without a blush, and thus carelessly showed her wantonness. And though she flung wide three gates to the ambassadors of Cupid, she lamented that nature had not similarly unlocked the straits of her bosom, that she might there have contrived a further welcome to his emissaries.

All this interest over Justinian and Theodora, while they were served by the two most interesting people of the Era
Belisarius.
>Literal backwater nobody.
>Climbs the Military by merit and making a good impression on the right people
>Become the most valued military commander of the Greatest Emperor of that era.
>Hand your emperor military victory after military victory and reconquer most of the valuable Roman provinces.
>Emperor gets paranoid, and thinks you will declare yourself emperor, so puts your former court ally incharge of your campaign.
>Drive of the Persians, saving the empire.
>Get lied about by a salty secretary, and due to lack of sources, its taken as true.

Narses
>Be a eunuch, still be better than most generals at warfare.
>Bribe 50% of the population of Constantinople into not rioting by speech powers and a small amount of gold
>Despite not having a military record, manage to keep up with the pre-eminent military tactician of the day.
>Conquer Italy, and defend it from the counter-attack.
>More vigurous than expected for a eunuch. Even without his balls, this man was manly.

Say what you want about his romantic tastes, when Theodora encouraged him Justinian sure fucked up those Nika rioters

Narses is seriously underrated. It was him that finished off the subjugation of Italy.

Only the ones who didn't support his chariot team though.

Are you fucking serious?

GREENS DID NOTHING WRONG

Garrus Spivonius.

t.biochemist