My gym fucked up

>gym has a gym phantom
>he requires the squat rack booth always be empty for him
>gym phantom drops lights on people's heads
>gym gives into his demands and pay him a premium
>gym hires a magician to cheer people up
>magicians tricks are old and sexual
>the other day in the change room the gym magician asked me to reach into his hat
>he was naked and I just ended up grabbing his penis
>I could hear the gym phantom laugh
>he sang in a very deep handsome opera voice
>not gay but rather touch phantoms dick then that gym magicians again.
>later find out the gym phantom really was the gym magician
>his greatest trick in the end was stealing my heart

Are american gyms this fucked up? I keep hearing about gyms with phantoms and jesters i just dont get it
My gym has 1 squat rack, 1 flat bench, 1 smith machine, 1 incline bench, 1 decline bench, 2 adjustable angle benches, 6 cable spots with upper and lower so 12 cables in total, about 3 treadmills and 5 bikes, 2 leg presses, 1 circular movement leg press, 4 pull down machines, 1 rowing machine, weights ranging from 1 kg to 30 kg, also dumbbells that can be added plates, oh also a lot of barbells of different sizes, 1 preacher curl bench, 2 machines for upper chest, 2 for leg quad extensions, 2 for hamstrings, 1 for sissy squats, 1 pec deck, 1 machine thats also for rowing but simplified, 2 machines for hip abductors but different mechanisms. And also a zone for crossfit like exercises
And we dont need to pay for or rent our plates

There is a front desk where we can go behind and talk to the manager and be bros with him, put music if it doesnt bother anyone. And a fridge with cold water and powerade, and we can cook eggs if we bring them or go buy them next doors

We don't have:
A manlet pit
A gym falcon
A gym ghost
A gym jester
A gym guard
A gym thief
A gym enchanter
A gym buffer
A gym potion brewer
A gym warrior
A gym elf twink
A gym assassin
A gym armorsmith
A gym weaponsmith
A gym warlock
A gym wizard

Do you just let your manlets run around the gym? Where do you keep them if you don't have a manlet pit?

We dont have anyone over 6'2" so I guess the entire gym is the manlet pit

sounds boring desu

This is why europoors will never make it

>squatting in rack
>gym fusilier comes crashing in blasting on the bugle
>gym has been infested with germans and gym commander says we have to leave
>manlet wrangler sounds the lunk alarm
>have to finish my workout in the trenches outside
Thanks Wilhelm.

>can hear the gym bard composing a hurtful poem about me through the locker room walls

Anyone got any tips on how to keep the gym mummy away from me? Don't speak Egyptian.

BEGONE TOTH