Commissariat Incidents Records...

Incident #519: Adeptus Mechanicus Tech-Priest attached to Regiment found dead in front of dataslate displaying a anti-heresy verification request.

Action Taken: Investigation showed the Tech-Priest trying to send a report to Mars. System gave a standard Anti-Heresy Request displaying several pictures and asking him to "Chose all pictures containing rivers until none remain". Further Investigation showed that performing the action requested would simply boot the user back to a new selection, not accepting the selection made regardless of accuracy. 482 attempts appear to have been made over the course of nine (9) hours. Tech-Priest believed to have died from aneurysm by Regimental medic.

Further Action and Recommendation: Dataslate executed by firing squad under suspicion of rogue machine spirit. Recommend Anti-Heresy Request System reverted back to previous model.

Administratum Note: Report currently unfiled, cannot get past the Anti-Heresy Request System to file it. Shelved until further notice. Request Exterminatus on Mars or whatever planet the moron who designed this is currently on.

Incident #521: Two (2) light recon vehicles have disappeared from the barracks, along with their pilots and a number of recruits on leave have failed to present themselves back to camp.

Action Taken: investigation showed the missing vehicles involved in an unauthorized race, descending at high speed from a local mountainous formation. The missing recruits were found cheering the pilots. A speaker of unknown provenance was blasting a song about "running in the 30th millennium". A recruit insolently addressed me to praise the skills of one of the pilots as "incredible, more than human".
Further Action and recommendations: everyone involved was suspended from leave until further notice. Heresy and chaos-taint investigation is under way on one of the pilots. His vehicle has been found to be equipped with a non-standard engine of unknown origin. It has been seized. After the investigation is over pilots and organizers will be executed by firing squad.

Administratum notes: the particularly gifted pilot and his vehicle are to be transferred to the attached destination. His piloting skills may prove useful for the Imperium. The commissar may procede in his other requests.

am I doing this right

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Incident #527: The Adeptus Ministorum Priest despatched to minister to the regiment was found in the Officer's Club, inebriated, attempting to seduce a number of female enlisted personnel (See report for Incident #528: "Enlisted Personnel in Designated Area for Commissioned Personnel Only") and one or two male personnel, as well as, causing a general nuisance.

Action Taken: Due to the individuals' ties to the Ecclesiarchy, it was decided corporal punishment would be ill-advised without prior consent from the local cardinal. Attempts to reach said cardinal were unsuccessful as, his aide informed me that His Eminence was away for the weekend playing golf. As such, the offending priest was simply thrown in the brig until sobering up and returned to the Ecclesiarchy with a strongly-worded note.

Administratum Notes: Further punitive action strongly recommended. Rare display of tact and diplomatic sense displayed by commissar. Monitor more closely in future.

Incident #534: A company of the Marine Malevolent chapter of the Adeptus Astartes inspected our camp for heresy and xenos influence.

Action Taken: Astartes given full reign over camp, regiment presented in full for inspection. Camp was thoroughly inspected with plasma casters and flamers while regiment was inspected, on at a time, by applying swiftly pressure to their groins with the top of the Astartes' boot. Those that were angered by this were shown to clearly be heretics and purged with the other inspection equipment. Astartes laughed with pious joy at a job well down before departing.

Further Action and Recommendation: Regiment currently at 1/10th strength and in dire need of reinforcements, heresy completely and utterly purge and camp location shifted to avoid any lingering influence/fire. Recommend this revolutionary inspection technique be share, post-haste, with all nearby Adeptus Astartes chapters for quick review of its merits and effects so that others may know of the wonderful work their brothers in the Marines Malevolent are doing in the Emperor's name.

Administratum Notes: Request fertilization recovery treatments for all current members of the Jericho 44th Regiment of the Imperial Guard. Recommend increased opiate supply to the Jericho 44th. Request local chapter of Marines Malevolent purge at nearby suspected Space Hulk as they've shown unyielding tenacity against all forms of xeno threat.

That last part would mean the Administratum was actually helping the Imperium at large.

Incident #540: SPC Scipio Schwatz was not found at his command post during scheduled hours, instead replaced with a large local melon on a stick wearing his helmet with his lascarbine propped up against it.

Action Taken: Went to SPC Schwatz' CO to inform him of this issue, Command Barracks found to be staffed only with further helmeted Melon stand-ins. Subsequent examination of the camp found only Stand-Ins in place of Guardsmen, though all in their proper locations.

Further Action or Recommendation: Search through local area did not reveal Regiment, but upon returning Regiment was back in proper positions and denied any knowledge of Melon Stand-Ins. Regimental Medic insist on performing a psychiatric evaluation, dissuaded only by laspistol. Recommend full psychiatric sweep of regiment and immediate request for transfer.

Administratum Note: Both requests denied. Records show that at time of incident the Regiment made all its proper call ins to Division Command with the only oddity being unusually high-pitched and "Cartoonish" voices, attributed to Vox interference.

Incident #562 Received complaint from Adeptus Ministorum over receipt of a strongly-worded note and interruption of the religious retreat of a highly influential Church official.

Action Taken: Forwarded complaint to Administratum as regulation dictates, with reference to origin of said strongly-worded note (see Incident Report #527).

Further Action and Recommendation: Tell them to get stuffed.

Administratum Notes: Yeah, no. Not touching that.

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Incident #588: Several Guardsmen found using an Archeotech device they had discovered digging trenches as a fire making tool. This was brought to my attention as the higher power settings of the device do not simply create a small pillar of fire but instead a gout of plasma at least 2km high.

Action Taken: Offending troopers killed in heatstorm created by device, a third (1/3rd) of the camp set aflame as well. Device deactivated after twenty-five (25) minutes and after four (4) hours the area had cooled down enough for Tech-Priests to take away for study.

Further Action or Recommendation: Call in for the Adeptus Mechanicus to scour the area for further Archeotech. Requesting immediate transfer to another unit before I'm set on fire (again).

Administratum Note: Adeptus Mechanicus already on route. 44th Jericho to be transferred to Kirrik IV to help in Ork invasion and as not to distract the Tech-Priests from their work with their odd tendency towards amusing (self)destruction. Commissar Julius Actus Reynault to be retained at the Regimental level for support and administration.

Incident #592: Received complaint from Tau commander regarding our soldiers treatment of captured Tau forces.

Action Taken: Investigation revealed soldiers with undeclared Tau captives that they torturing and sexually abusing prisoners for their own enjoyment. Sargent Jones claimed he was interrogating his prisoner and handed over intelligence he had collected. Sargent Jones received 10 lashes. All other soldiers received 20 lashes. Soldiers who had sexually abused prisoners were executed for conduct unbecoming of a guardsman and possible heresy. All captives were executed for being xenos.

Further Action or Recommendations: Assign Jones further interrogation training. Get tech-priests to block our ability to receive vox transmissions from enemy forces.

Administratum Note: Sargent Jones is to be discharged from guard service and transferred into the custody of {redacted}. {Redacted} also advised that being able to hear what the Tau are saying is too valuable a source of intelligence to be blocked.

Incident #600: PFC. Walter Muniz found to have assembled several plasteel ration cans into a crude costume resembling an archaic robot. He henceforth refused to be referred to as anything other than "Love Machine 5000 of the Adeptus Cockus Mechanicus" and insisted on "Spreading the Omnissiah's word by spreading your legs" to many female and several male guardsmen and naval crewmen (Including myself) aboard the transport ship and subsequently sexually assaulting them (Primarily dry humping them, which has proven extraordinarily uncomfortable due to the heavy and sharp nature of the metal of the costume).

Action Taken: Refused to remove the suit and had apparently used enough plasteel and some sort of laminate layer to render laspistol and lasgun shots ineffective, to say nothing of flogging rods and bludgeons. Suit proved impossible to remove as he somehow managed to weld it into a singular piece. PFC. Muniz refused to co-operate or cease gyrating his hips in a lewd manner. Captain Harris of the transport ship refused my request to turn a melta on the offending trooper and so he was confined to the brig with the help of ten (10) other troopers and provosts.

Further Action or Recommendation: Currently requesting the Captain shunt him out an airlock, but the Tech-Priest on board has claimed to wish to examine the armor for its oddly effective design. Currently investigating methods to execute the trooper without severely damaging the suit. This investigation is being made with all haste as PFC. Muniz refuses to stop dry-humping the wall of his cell and the noises is beginning to drive some of the crewmen to madness.

Administratum Note: Presumably suffocation or starvation would do the trick. Barring that, if the suit has a neck join of some kind a hanging would be effective and acceptablel. This Assistant would also like to state that this is one of the more unusual mental breaks he's read of a Guardsmen undergoing without clear Chaos influences.

Incident #601: Previously incarcerated PFC Walter Muniz escaped his containment in the troopship's brig and go on a two (2) hour "Deviant rampage" thorough the ship seemingly immune to weapons fire and melee attacks. Seems able to have somehow further improved his suit while in confinement through unknown means, including a Voxcaster through which he shouted lewd and heretical phrases at those he subdued with uncomfortable force.

Action Taken: Muniz was lured to a nearby airlock with a recording of a female crewman pleading for help and subsequently flushed out into the void of the Warp. Minor demonic intrusion dealt with at heavy cost by crewmen and the 44th and 19th Jericho Regiments.

Further Action or Recommendation: Request for immediate transfer. Request for immediate medical attention for those wounded in this attack.

Administratum Note: I fear what adding this man to the ranks of Chaos will cause.

Incident #604: Upon planetfall several members of the 44th (mostly lower officers) got into an altercation with members of the 98th Hanasa Regiment(Also mostly lower officers) over which side of the nearby brook the units would be stationed on.

Action Taken: I exercised my Commissarial authority to demand the eastern side of the brook as it had better drainage and cover. As the Commissar of the 98th was grievously wounded in PFC Walter Muniz' rampage this position was uncontested.

Further Action or Recommendation: Hanasan 98th extraordinarily upset about these arrangements and filed an official complaint to divisional command. Request shipment of feminine hygienic supplies to the 98th Hanasa Regiment.

My sides are in the Halo Stars

>Love Machine 5000 of the Adeptus Cockus Mechanicus

Life's a beach, and then you die.

And then the Commissar kills your family because you died without his blessing.

And then your family falls to Chaos to avoid this unfair fate.

And then the planet is subsumed in an orgy of death and madness.

and the Space Marines and the Inquisition blow up your planet and parents and millions of people.

And then the Ecclesiarchy makes a fable about how you, your family, and your planet sucked and fucking deserved it.

Life is a shitty beach and you just stepped on a sandspine. Deal with it or you're be set on fire you fucking heretic

"Poem of the Eastern Guardsmen, unofficial but popular part of the 'Book of Imperial Bullshit'"

Incident #822: Rogue Trader Janus Bartholomew Scopeston and retinue arrived at camp in a non-standard groundcar. Ignoring the chain of command, they asked for volunteers to "undertake a mission of critical importance to the Imperium, the Sector, and my dynasty, in no particular order." In return the Rogue Trader promised "all the loot you can carry, and fine xenos bitches to help you polish it."

Action Taken: Informed the Rogue Trader Scopeston that he was violating dozens of regulations and corrupting regimental morale. The Rogue Trader handed me a stack of thousand (1,000) Imperial Throne notes and told me to "go pay a medicae to remove the stick that's up your ass." Informed the Rogue Trader that bribery of an officer of the Commissariat was punishable by death. Rogue Trader drove away in a cloud of smoke while shouting, "Warrant of Traaaaaaaade, bitches!"

Further Action and Recommendations: Donated bribe to the Ecclesiarchy. Request higher authorities to investigate whether or not a Rogue Trader can be flogged.

Administratum Annotation: The "stack" of bills was delivered to the Ecclesiarchy could hardly be called a stack. Additionally, Third platoon's location for the next three days was listed as "forced marching", although no forced march was scheduled. Subsequent cases of venereal disease, unexplained injury, and heretical tendencies in Third platoon should be investigated.

...

Incident #610: PFC Jenkins approached me because he was worried that he had become corrupted. His worries were understandable because I had previously executed him for cowardice (Incident #599). Execution was performed by a bolt pistol round to the head at point-blank range. I visually confirmed his bodies lack of head after the execution.

Action Taken: Attempts to execute PFC Jenkins were made with every weapon in the regiments arsenal. He responded to injuries as an average human would until the point he died. At which point his body and standard issue equipment would regenerate from any damage/injury. His cooperated fully except for his refusal to die when ordered.

Further Action and Recommendations: PFC Jenkins will be given any high risk assignments command can think of until he runs into an enemy weapon capable of killing him. Please inform the Inquisition of this incident.

Administratum Note: No Inquisitor confirmed receipt of any messages we sent regarding this incident.

Heh! I like that one! Just one question though, does the guardsman always have a bad feeling about something?

No more than a regular human in the guard.

>waiting for him to recover only to shoot him
classical imperial guard

Incident #612: Lt. Alphonse Borheim found in the uniform of Pvt. Jahn Kraus and vice versa, performing each others duties and acting as the other would in personality. Five other pairs of soldiers found to have switched in such a manner, all refusing to awknowledge the switch or their true identities.

Action Taken: Flogging issued but soldiers found to have switched back before sentences could be measured out, denying that any such order had been made. Official Regimental records and my own personal dataslates also showed no order.

Further Action Or Recommendation: Floggings issued regardless, dataslate replaced out of concerns of security compromise. Request immediate transfer.

Administratum Note: Administratum is unsure how to file this report as it came from the dataslate of one Lt. Seymore Butts, who is not listed as the Commissar attached to the 44th Jericho Regiment. That would instead be Commissar Junior Grade Juanna Blome according to official records.

Any more art like this? Love this stuff

Fucking gold

>Request shipment of feminine hygienic supplies to the 98th Hanasa Regiment

>fuckin' rekt

Incident #614: Pvt Bob Bobson was found running barefoot over heated stones claiming that his skin doesn't burn. Several other soldiers burnt their skin attempting to copy him.

Action Taken: Pvt Bob Bobson was flogged for failing to wear his uniform boots and injuring other guardsmen due to negligence.

Further Action or Recommendations: Investigate Pvt Bob Bobson for heresy.

Administratum note: Firewalking is an approved practise from the regiments homeworld. Assign him a plasma gun.