Commissariat Incidents Records, Volume 4 for Commissar Julius Actus Reynault attached to the 44th Jericho Regiment of the Imperial Guard (The "Jericho Hammers", siege and assault specialists). Edited and Annotated by Administratum Assistant Sirius Varus, Bureaucratus Extraordinarii.
In the name and eternal gaze of the God-Emperor of Mankind, may these records be accurate and filed with pious diligence. Incident #451: Pvt. Henry Roch referred to his lasgun as a "Frakking flashlight" while having difficulty removing the power cell during routine maintenance. This angered the weapon's machine spirit and caused it to discharge into the trooper's chest.
Action Taken: Trooper was given immediate medical attention. His armor took most of the discharge and he is expected to make a full recovery in 4-6 weeks, at which point he will be executed for Improper Equipment Handling and Maintenance, Angering a Machine Spirit, and Abject Stupidity.
Further Action or Recommendations: Increase weapon safety drills and Machine Spirit appeasement rituals.
Administratum Annotation: Technically speaking "Stupidity" is no longer listed in the Grand Commissarial Dataslate in the most recent edition (89th) but was present up the 67th before being removed for overuse. Administratum will allow it in this cause for MASSIVE applicability to the trooper in question.
Joseph Kelly
Incident #452: Pvt. Nigel Janus was discovered trying to leave the regimental barracks to go and get "Jericho Hammered" at a local establishment.
Action Taken: Beaten, flogged, and apprehended in his escape attempt. Placed on latrine duty for the fourteen (14) weeks for Unauthorized Recreational Leave.
Further Action or Recommendation: Institution of "Taco Tuesdays" until further notice to improve moral and reduce incidents such as these.
Adam Moore
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asdjngnsukl oh man the tech priest is gonna be pissed^[[A
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Parker Bailey
Incident #485: Cpl. Richard Wein inflitrated by office and absconded with my Commissarial Cap.
Action Taken: Gave chase for two (2) hours through the camp and fired three (3) magazines from my bolt pistol before cornering the moron and rending him unconscious with five (5) sustained minutes of pistol whipping.
Further Actions or Recommendation: Cpl. is to be executed following a thorough investigation of his unit to see who instigated this so-called "dare" with subsequent executions and punishment to follow as needed. Request an immediate resupply of bolter shells as my current stock has been depleted ahead of schedule.
Administratum Annotation: Execution order for Cpl. Wein is denied and he is to be transferred immediately for Stormtrooper training. The man is blessed or possessing of incredible skill to dodge so much fire from his Commissar and would be of greater use to the Imperium elsewhere. Commissar Reynault's request for addition shells is to be denied as well, replaced with a mandatory marksmen training session at soonest convenience.
Jayden Flores
Incident #501: Camp voxspeakers found to not broadcast the Imperial Reveille but instead "Willie the One-Eyed Cultist", a crass pub song, on endless repeat and three (3) hours ahead of wake-up call.
Action Taken: Voxspeaker shot two (2) times, with expert precision, by my laspistol until the broadcast ceased. Regiment under investigation.
Further Action or Recommendation: Request for a Tech-Priest to repair the Voxspeaker and remove the insidious song from its library. Request for a shipment of flogging rods.
Nolan Turner
Incident #506: During a skirmish with local revolutionaries, 5th Company, 2nd Platoon exchanged fire with the rebels for over three (3) hours before artillery was called in on the enemy position. Review of enemy dead and wounded after the battle showed no lasgun wounds. Five (5) troopers wounded in the exchange.
Action Taken: Mandatory marksmenship training for the next four (4) weeks for all guardsmen in the 44th Regiment, floggings for those who do not meet standards.
Further Action or Recommendation: Request shipment of lasgun scopes, better recruits.
Administratum Note: Requests for scopes granted with haste, request for better recruits put in the backlog with the thousands of others I get monthly.
Carter Taylor
Reminds me of administratum marines Veeky Forums-brainstormed some time ago.
Ayden Campbell
>Administratum Annotation: Execution order for Cpl. Wein is denied and he is to be transferred immediately for Stormtrooper training. The man is blessed or possessing of incredible skill to dodge so much fire from his Commissar and would be of greater use to the Imperium elsewhere. Commissar Reynault's request for addition shells is to be denied as well, replaced with a mandatory marksmen training session at soonest convenience.
These are amusing. Continue, OP.
Tyler Hughes
Incident #509: Tens of thousands (10,000s) of small, plasteel balls rained down on camp and surrounding area during the night, Inflicting several minor casualties from blunt force trauma and falls, including myself. One trooper suffered from severe hyperventilation from laughter followed by severe blunt force trauma from plasteel balls repeatedly to the back of his head.
Action Taken: Investigation into what dropped the items on the camp, regiment ordered to clean up the camp in the meantime.
Further Action or Recommendation: Clean-up failed, troopers repeatedly slipped on plasteel balls, which were found in the investigation to be covered in lubricant of some sort. Investigation found no explanation for their falling upon the camp. Camp moved and Ecclesiarchy called into the site for blessing and exorcism.
Administratum Note: This incident is still unexplained and listed in the Inquisition's "Omega Files". Ecclesiarchy reported the Plasteel balls to give off the faint smell of vanilla and the lubricant to be "Chaos-taintedly slippery". Site purged with holy promethium and forbidden to this day.
Nathan Gray
Incident #512: Interrupted unusual Founding Day ritual involving the officers and newest recruits of the Regiment, a crate of flogging rods, 3 cases of ale from a nearby establishment, blindfolds, phosphorescent paint, camo-netting, and four hundred (400) meters of standard rope.
Action Taken: Left room, locked door. Surveillance footage seized and reviewed for heresy. (See attached)
Further Action or Recommendation: Request for immediate transfer.
Administratum Note: Request denied. Copy of report requested by Assistant Sirius Varus. Request for report purged from database for "Inconsequentiality".
