Shitty magic items

>Ball of Reversed Slope
Rolls uphill when it would normally go down.
Cannot be gripped, is perfectly smooth, so no dragging things with it or cutting holes in it.

Pair of eye-glasses that cause the user to gain slightly greater visual acuity at the cost of being covered in a blue smiley mold that smells intensely of roses.

Basically imagine Cousin It but blue and made of mold. Player used the SHIT out of them, to most NPCs' confusion

>snake oil
If it's a venomous snake it could be used for assassinations. Also if the duration is permanent you could use it to turn somebody into a snake.
>thundering pendant
Could be useful when addressing a crowd as long as you have ear protection.
>flying carpet
Use it as a cape
>bagpipes of hiding
Use it to hide within a marching band, duh.
>flying giant club
Extra damage and free rocks? Yes please.
>wellness stick
That's free healing
>Bear trap
Free meat

>The Ass-whooping Stick
A normal-looking wooden stick that causes the struck victim to feel intense pain in their ass regardless of where the stick actually struck them.

>The Butter Knife of Destiny
Anything buttered, jammed, whatevered by this knife is doomed to fall onto something filthy, always on the side you applied the substance to.

>The Ring of Burning Loins
A silver ring that gives you painful erections or stinging vulva wetness when 10 to 50 feet in the presence of somebody who is aroused.

>Prestidigitation around the final boss
>Butter the stalagtite above him
>Pray your team showered well today

>Bag of Several Rats
If you open it and upend it, several (2d6) rats fall out. It can be used again after the next full moon

I butter both sides.

Broken wand of location. Locates whatever you point it at. It used Patrick Warburton's voice.
"That chair is currently in front of you... Right there."
A player nearly threw up from laughing because he asked it the time and I simply said. "Yup."

Wand of create magic wand, one use, when used creates a perfect identical copy of a 1ft wand with one use of create magic wand

Free firewood!

>Hoarder's Wand
Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

Antigravity

>Diadem of Brothaurity
When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can't stop calling everyone bro.

>perfect enlightenment comes to an adventurer who manages to give it up
>Gains 20 monk levels automatically that don't count against their XP

>The Artist's Bludgeon
Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change colour.

I read the last one as Ring of Burning Lions

>I hit the ground.

welp this is my next midlevel boss

>town is plagued by horrid trumpeting that can be heard from miles away, seems to be coming from the skies. Every so often concentrated bouts of rain turn everything they land on into snakes
>Party uses detect magic and finds a floating blob in the sky. Tracks it back to its hideout. Eventually the man becomes exhausted from trumpeting his bagpipes and is revealed to be completely naked except for some satchels and a rug tied around his neck like a cape. He lands, pulls open a metal trap from which small sized bear begins emerging.
>He then pulls out a bottle and starts rubbing its contents all over his torso while repeatedly striking himself in the head with a cudgel.

Not gonna lie, that's fucking terrifying.

fucking marvelous, the players wont know how to respond, id be scared to approach

>the everleak bucket
no matter what repairs are made, a leak will always spring on the bottom of the bucket

Timekeeping.

>Throw fragile bottle of snake oil at assassin.
>Assassin is now a snake

>Everwax Candle

So it's like pic related but as it burns the melting the wax it causes it to uncondense producing more was problem is the was inevitably over takes the wick putting it out and covering it with wax.

>Cursed Hammer of Identifying
When used to break a magical object or otherwise render it unusable, deposits a letter within the crack. Once the letter is read, it identifies the object's properties. If any attempts are made to repair the item afterwards, they fail until the hammer loses its magical properties, or is destroyed.

>Throwing Knife of Attention Whoring
When thrown, all nearby creatures must make a Will save (or equivalent), or have their actions interrupted as they turn to look at where the weapon lands.

>Throwing Knife of Phase Door
Once the knife hits a wall or non-force made barrier of 1ft thickness or less, it creates a "Phase Door" effect, creating a portal through the structure until the knife is removed. the knife cannot stick in portals.
>throw knife into door
>creates portal and immediately falls out
>player tries to hold knife in door while walking through
>removes knife, loses arm.

>Light of the Blind
Lantern that everyone can see except for the user.

>Wand of Create Wand
use the wand and it creates a new Wand of Create Wand, the previous wand immediately evaporates.

>Ring of detect antimagic field
Vibrates when within an antimagic field. Except it doesn't. Because it's in an antimagic field.

>Helm of Amnesia
Anyone who sees it forgets what its magical properties are, temporarily.

?

Did Capcha eat your last sentence, dude?

Boomerang bomb
>You throw it but it comes back to your direction.

Was = Wax auto correct is shit

Hell there is another idea a floating orb that attempts to correct you on mistakes

>Lightsaber
Can detect light sources through walls. Good for finding secret passages and opportune Kool-aid Man style sneak attack routes.

>Wand of Boundless Magic
A lich could mass-produce these, make lots of copies of his phylactery, then seal one of each in a lot of lead boxes.

>Ball of Reversed Slope
All you need to do is hook a sled to a bucket.

A bucket which always drips will (I'd assume) always drip at a consistent rate.
Thus, timekeeping.

Sounds like the coolant system in my car.

>Everytime I get it fixed it gets a new leak somewhere else.

It would roll up along the bottom inside, around the rim, and onto the top of the bucket, before going up the hill without the bucket (or sled) attached.

Then you've got it the wrong way around.

no?

The sword of slipping
>Has a chance to fly out of your hands at any given moment.

buttery gauntlets

The Snake Oild, Wellness Stick, and Bear Trap are all quite useful.

Maybe a 5% chance
>on a nat 1

ahhhhhh, very clever

I mean, would it not climb up the side of the bucket like it would a concave cliff wall?
Actually, that means it would be good for spelunking.

Gauntlets of holding.
>Anything you pick up is stuck in your gauntlets .

Fucking stolen

Yeah buddy....uh....that Goblin's about 20 feet in front of you. Looking kinda pissed too, so.....watch out.

Infinite Mass creation

>lands butter side down
>bounces
>lands on other side

I figured it wouldn't climb walls for the same reason it didn't float off the second it was made.
Either way, cast Light on it and use it to trigger traps.

You now have two halves.
Most effective weapon ever.

>Lands butter-side down
>ur mum trips and falls onto it

That disturbed fist-sized pocket of dirt is now blue.

wouldn't that mean it, y'know, does something though?

Plate of dicks: Is a simple ceramic plate that has a pile of dicks on it. You don't know where they come from, or if they even come from anything or anyone.

>Butterfly cannon
It's a fully functioning cannon. Only problem is that it has the brains of an insect and is only 3 inches across. Widely known as "The bane of Potted flowers"

adorable

I finally managed to find this list!

Cock ring of ever rising. Cursed. Wearer has a perpetual boner.

Wouldn't that kill whoever wears it? Give it to an evil guy. Or use it for assassinations.

The Mug of the Damned
>Any spirit placed inside of this mug, even the finest of vintages will always taste like shitty non-alcoholic beer

The Door Of Overthinking it
>this door is secured by the most complex of locks, so difficult that it would take a master theif hours to pick it, but will easily open if you turned the knob with a little more force than usual, regardless of the lock's status

Maiden's Trick
>a breathtakingly beautiful flower that can grow in nearly any color of the rainbow, but secretes a stench comprable to halitosis.

Fat Man's Throne
>A chair that will always collapse when you sit in it, regardless of your weight. When you stop sitting, it will reform itself, looking brand new.

I like that fat man's throne. Am stealing.

I don't know, I know there's a spider than does the same thing prior to your death but that's probably from the poison.

Worst case I can think of is it would make exertion harder as it would limit your blood count/flow. Though I'm sure the body would eventually create more blood...

Thanks for the laughs, helping me turn a really dark headspace around

aww come on, son.

Wait, what does the helm of amnesia do?

who?

He's on first.

Who's on first?

>drop snake oil into water supply
>setting becomes Australia

The snake oil has to be rubbed on though, it doesn't automatically work from touching the surface

They're not magical, but they're similar items from a Paranoia campaign I once ran. I gave a list to the PCs without description and let them choose what they dared. Here are a few ...

ABS 525t/b-44c “Flesh-Lite” Self Enlightenment Supplement
>Pill that causes iridescence in the user, with virtually guaranteed terminal cancer 4-10 years after ingestion.
ABS 004g/e-17o “Georgia” Debilitation Simulation Device
>Makes wearer completely blind.
ABS 032a/j-94n “My Little Coney!” Hot Meat Tube Assembler
>Hot dog cart.
ABS 121a/k-17o “W8-M8” Antithetical Purpose Directive
>A small hovering robot that constantly berates the PCs for any action they decide to take.
ABS 902i/o-31i “MinD-U-NoT” Biometric Scrambling Field Generator
>Creates a field that conceals biological matter by atomizing it. When turned off, it does not reassemble them.
ABS 008I-GER-3c “Rad-cicle Radiation Safety Badge”
>Beeps loudly whenever the PCs are in a place with acceptable amounts of radiation.
ABS 008R-FAB-8d “Imperv-Ions Personal Safety Shield”
>Creates an electric field strong enough to repel even weakly polarizable materials with high momentum. This usually includes the user.
ABS 008O-FAB-a3 “N-Trap-Mint Social Aid”
>Causes the user's breath to be so utterly enticing as to keep close-by audience members rapt as long as the user continues to speak.
ABS 008X-COM-XX Any Mention Of This Device Is Treason
>Any mention of this device is treason.

Four PCs died to that last one until they realized they could weaponize it against NPCs by keeping it hidden and just showing it to them unannounced.

Using this

Sword of Fire Discerning:
Pointing this sword at an object will let you know if it is on fire.

Shit - looking back at my notes, I fucked up one. The description I put was for a separate device.

ABS 008I-GER-3c “Rad-cicle Radiation Safety Badge”
>A badge-shape completely normal icecube that melts in the presence of radiation (including thermal radiation).

About quarter past four.

It falls off your hand before you're able to do so.

Spear of Dragons Laying

>The spear gives off a loud, shrill alarm when in a 12 metre radius of a dragon which is lying down.

I want that snake oil
>Castle door's locked?
Door is now a snake
>Enemy pursuing you over over a bridge?
Bridge is now a snake
>Need to dispose of the murdered politician's body?
Body is now a snake
>Sex life getting boring?
Cock is now a snake

Wouldn't necessarily kill you but would probably turn your dick necrotic - they're not designed to stay hard permanently.

>pretend to be a sexy masseuse and trick the BBEG into giving him a massage
>BBEG is now just a snake and the adventure is won

>Flying Carpet: Grants flight, only while touching the carpet. Carpet does not fly.

What if I just roll myself up in the carpet and use it to travel around looking like a flying burrito?

Just use a thick leather gauntlet and rub your hand against the balls.

Creates insufferable hyperpluralism to everyone in range.

>youtube.com/watch?v=eCAgmtB4j7w

>The Annoying Bottle
>This cursed bottle is filled to the brim with a valuable liquid, usually a dose of a potion or a century-aged ale. If the contents of the bottle are removed, the curse takes effect.
>Any time someone who removed the liquid attempts to be stealthy, there is a cumulative 20% chance the bottle will appear at his feet, invariably getting kicked and making a noise. If the bottle is destroyed, it will reconstitute itself when it next appears.
>The only way to free oneself of the curse is to fill the bottle with a liquid more valuable than the one that was previously in it.

If you're stripped of your belongings and thrown in prison, you can sneak about until the bottle appears and you'll have a somewhat usable weapon.

Ah, but 1/5 times you couldn't sneak out.

Do the sneaking during free time, forced labor, or some other period where you are out of your cell.

>Skull of the Soothsayer
It's a metal skull with clear gems in its eye sockets. It will give cryptic answers to any questions it is asked, but only has a 1 in 5 chance to do so. The rest of the time, it'll either insult whoever uses it in an annoying voice or make a terrible pun about skeletons.

Step right up, step right up! I welcome you to Sir Roginald Bullhorn's Arcane Solutions!

Do you suffer from malady, pain without end, well perhaps you've heard of the legendary Panacea that will remedy all the body's failings. No, no, I certainly don't have such a wondrous thing, but I have the next best solution.
>Bullhorn's Miracle Elixir, with but one swig it will resolve all your bodily aches, pains, and other assorted blights (Does not actually cure anything, just makes the imbiber believe it has for 12 hours; highly addictive)

Perhaps you're an aspiring adventurer, or great hero in the making, but you're concerned about trouble sneaking up on you. I have the solution to ease your caution.
>Parker's Cap of Danger Sense will buzz whenever danger is close (Has an extremely broad definition of danger)

Ah young sir, I see you have your eye on something special.
>This Fearful Blade is a magical weapon that will guide your hand in battle and keep you safe (Living weapon, is afraid of everything especially of being struck, will try and compel the wielder to flee from any fight.)

Ah, I see you're a discerning sort, well behold one of the mythical rings of power. Of but twenty were made, and only seven are known in the world. And today I give you the eighth!
>Ring of Disappearing will cause you to vanish from sight in a puff of arcane smoke (if you are on solid ground, it will create a trap door beneath you with just enough room for you to fit)

Nothing catch your fancy, mayhap you're a collector of antiquities from lost and far away lands
>One of three stones of O Mai, legends say if keeps the monstrous tigers of the land at bay (Actually keeps tigers at bay; attracts lions and bears.)

Do you suffer heartbreak, well ol' Bullhorn is no stranger to such things and has solution to ease your weary heart
>Bullhorn patented love detector will always point in the direction of your destined true love (Points to the nearest dwarf)

The Grail of Want
>Many conflicts has been caused by the grail and even wars has broken out over possessing it. The grail doesn't actually grant the owner anything, but it's still an object that the owner will always covet and view as his most precious item in the world. Other people being made aware of the grail will them too fall under its spell and they too will covet it passionately. Ultimately nobody knows why they need it, but they know they want it more than anything else and no one else must ever have it.

That'd be an amazing training weapon.

Helm of the Unseen Eye

>When worn, gives the wearer a mildly unnerving feeling of being watched.
Otherwise functions as a normal helmet.

>Bagpipes of hiding: Invisible while playing, must be loud enough to be heard to work

The one deaf guard is wondering why everyone is freaking out and why no one has shanked the guy with the bagpipes yet.

Ha, clever