Tell me about the neckbeards you've encountered over the years, Veeky Forums

Tell me about the neckbeards you've encountered over the years, Veeky Forums.

A few years back I partook in cleaning out a LGS of all the horrible grognard neckbeards. I was looking for some Shadowrun stuff, this was back when 4E came out. Turns out the place was run by an old highschool friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years. We get all caught up and I make my purchases but notice that there's this group in the back that's been giving me dirty looks since I arrived. I asked about it and turns out they were the local grognard clan. A group of NEET neckbeards that show up daily and chase away the regular customers except for their select friends. They don't spend money and they're generally assholes. The owner's too beta to chase them away so I offered my assistance.

The first that needed to be removed was the catpiss guy. Every game store in every country around the world has a catpiss guy. He's the guy that smells like catpiss. I brought my gaming group in and invited the owner to join us in our Shadowrun campaign. Shit was going to be cash. Low and behold, catpiss guy was there and tried muscling into the game. Just some fucking total stranger, and his plan was to nerd his way in with edition war lecture. So in the middle of his stammering speech on why 2e was the best edition of SR, I straight up asked him why he smelled like catpiss. Apparently no one had done this before. At first he denied it and after a few others in my group confirmed that yes, he smelled like catpiss, he mumbled some confusing explanation about a glandular problem combined some kind of spray that keeps dogs away. I don't know but it was the way he said it, we all just started laughing. He went red in the face and quickly left the building in borderline tears. He came back a few more times after that but any mention of catpiss followed by a chuckle, even in passing would have him run out of the store.

The next one to go was the Manwhich. Now the gamestore had a minifridge in the back game room for people to use on long campaigns or when a tourney was going on. The Manwhich had a tendency to steal peoples foods and deny that he'd done so while eating it in front of them. A food kelpto. From what I understand, this type of person is also common to gamestores, but not as common as catpiss guy. This wasn't his only sin though. He was a Magic player and liked to spit on his opponents cards while acting all apologetic. He had been escorted out more than once due to this behavior but always came back. Typically when stories of dealing with this type of person are told, hotsauce is involved in some kind of trick sandwhich. We weren't so elegant. Instead we took photos of him, flash and all, every time he was caught bent over digging through the fridge. We printed the pictures and posted them all over the wall that the fridge was against. We'd also make airplane divebombing noises to accentuate his fridge assault. It was childish but man did it piss him off; he did not like anyone noticing him doing his shit. Eventually people were just making fun of him to his face and he stopped showing up.

Next was the gamergirl. Of course she was a hamplanet, or porkbeast as we called her. Porkbeast loved attention. She dressed all whiteface goth and write poetry about her elf having sex with his slit wrists or something suitably edgy. One onf of the guys in my group had a sister. She was hot but had a case of bitchy resting face. She occasionally joined our campaigns and typically played elderly spellcasters, she loved them sarcastic wizened old wisewomen. Anyways, it came down to her to remove the porkbeast. She showed up while porkbeast was doing her routine and put her down in a way only another woman can. Everything was judged, openly and loudly. Porkbeast called on her fawning allies only to find that they had dumped her for the hotter girl. Porkbeast left and only returned every now and then to pick up something and never to stay for long.

The enemy team of grognards were breaking up quickly. I smelled blood knew that taking down their leader would break them once and for all. He was their GM. A pear shape wrapped in a trenchcoat and fedora. He generally held anyone in contempt that wasn't at least as fat as he was. From what I had been told, he was a vindictive asshole who delved into magical realm as his preferred method of revenge for perceived slights. Polymorph and and rape, or flesh to stone-stoneshape-stone to flesh followed by rape. Typically rape and some kind of impregnation fetish that showed up in some form or another in every game. He was always around and if he didn't already have a game going, he'd butt into others and try and take over gm'ing their game. He saw himself as the king GM of the place and it was time to let him know that he had been usurped. The first step was to remove his contact information from the corkboard. Step two was probably the meanest thing I've ever done to anyone. He always runs his games in some homebrew d&d setting he made himself and has a tote bag full of paperwork. That's what would break him. My group all arrived and set up for game night. He came running over to demand he GM so they agreed. Part of the plan. He flashed his shiteating grin and pulled out his paperwork. That's when I showed up and promptly poured a big old bottle of SunnyD on his notes. All of them. SunnyD will come out of carpet. It ruins paper. That shit is sticky forever and it eats ink and pencil. I'm sure he could recreate it eventually but that was that. He through the shitfit of all shitfits, his flab was swinging around like you wouldn't believe which made the rest of us laugh. We laughed his ass right out of the place. He was wheezing and out of breath by the time he made it to the door.

Finally we had freed the gamestore from the horrible curse. Business picked up within the month, or as much as business in a game store ever does.

Thanks OP. That didn't happen but it was fun to read anyway.

Check the IP count. That wasn't OP. Give user credit.

Im a 40 year old dude been gaming since 1988. I just attended a local small con where I ran OSR games and played the dexterity game Crokinole which is a fairly simple game to flicking wood disks at your opponents disks while trying to hold the center of the polish wood board. Had a great time till Jimmy the autist rolls in. He is 16 years old with a large foam anime sword and a fedora like hat festooned with "witty" gamer sayings. Before I can say a word he plops his fat ass down across from me and points to a pin that says "Velma was the hot one" and practically shouts at me "Don't you agree?!" I said " no I prefer Daphne". He proceeds to lecture me why I am not a true gamer. I interrupt him and ask if he wants to play and he says yes. I try to explain the simple rules but he keeps interrupting me before I can finish the whopping 2 minute rules spiel. I say well maybe you can learn as we go. The rest of the game is him arguing with me on the rules and playing fast and violently flicking the disks of a $150 board as hard as humanly possible and saying things like "haha you suck" when he makes a play. I let him win the first round and promptly spank him in the second round. "I want a rematch!" He shouts. I tell him there are other people waiting to play and he is welcome to a rematch after everyone waiting gets a chance. He smugly smirks and says (loudly) what if I beat you with my sword. I look him in the eye and said if you hit me with your sword I will hit you with my fist. He mutters " it's just foam" and slinks away.

...

>Tell me about the neckbeards you've encountered over the years, Veeky Forums.
Do you count, OP?

Sure. Storytime?

>two computers means I have different IPs

He's obviously using his phone to tether. At least he has enough pride not to mobilepost
>be me
>go to Veeky Forums
>see thread with epic mtg sper out gif
>read the OP text
>cringe because OP is likely one of those selfsame neckbeards
>ask if I can count OP as one of the neckbeards I've encountered over the years
>get (You) saying I can
>type this
>OP BTFO

Just because you wasted a couple minutes of your life to make a "funny" image macro doesn't make it true. You can keep thinking that, it's really no skin off my back and I get credit for someone else taking the time to type all that shit.

Went to the game store this time and there was this fat... THING looking at stuff on the shelves. I kept seeing this asshole glance toward me.

It was a mirror.

...

>he doesn't have IPv6

Nice tits though.
(hah cunt you thought I'd say dubs)

Witnessed

My GM has an obese neckbeard friend that just joined our game.
He jumped onto the couch and broke it.
Now that couch is fragile as fuck and every one of use could potentially break it again if we're not careful.

out of all the things that happened, this one happened the most

Velma > Daphne

It's time to sheathe the foam katana and go take out the garbage, son.

The game he was playing is settlers of catan

>plays with toys and boardgames
>calls others neckbeards

This hobby has plenty of neckbeards but not everyone in it is a neckbeard. And don't be ebin and say 'yes you all are!' because if that's true something tells me you're not exempt from it too.

Checked

offbyone kenobi

I seriously hope this is pasta

Why don't neckbeards just shave their necks?

I imagine they trim their moustaches so they can eat without fuss.

Why not just trim the neck and go for an ordinary full beard instead?

They don't shave at all. It's a lack of hygeine thing. Honestly even if you have bad hygeine I can't see how anyone could stand not shaving. If I skip shaving even one day I'm already picking and scratching at my face.

>tfw 22 and still cant grow a full beard

>one of the members of my group is in high school
>he has a better beard than I do

As someone cursed with shitty facial hair, I can only assume they're like me in that they can't, and are ignorant of how terrible they look. Patchy teenage beard above the jawline, bushy below.

I shave regularly, of course.

>mfw can grow beard but since I'm partially arabic I'd look like a terrorist so have to shave all the time

I'm 30 and can't grow anything better than a Fuhrer 'stache. I blame Chernobyl fallout.

>live in south europe
>16 aged teenagers have more beard than you

Kill me now, I don't deserve this.

>tfw grow beard
>look perfectly germanic
>friends and family still make fun of me and ask if I want to join ISIS
One of these days dad, one of these days.

...

...

Im almost never at tcg because MTG threads are elitist as fuck, but i know i have read this at least half a dozen times. Is pasta, just not extremely common pasta, basically instead of spaghetti it's Angel's Hair

>tcg
fuck, tg

I've had one time where a neckbeard I know got so angry that he threw a d20 across the room and almost cracked a window.

>going on Veeky Forums
>to visit mtg threads

What pissed him off?

In a nutshell

>Playing 5e
>He played an Evil sorcerer
>He attacked the Cleric
>Didn't know clerics have decent AC
>Missed every shot
>His character gets beaten to within an inch of his life
>Tries to Scorching Ray (x3) against party's paladin
>Misses every shot
>Got beaten to death the following turn.

Cue d20 sailing across the club room we were playing in and almost cracking a window.

Personally I'm quite hairy. My body hair is very dark and very thick. Think zangief, but instead of a little patch you can draw a line from crotch to collarbone.

It's at the point that I have to shave the base of my neck, because my chest hair is showly creeping upwards to meet the whiskers that are almost past my adam's apple at this point.

How does one almost crack a window? Glass either cracks or it doesn't. I guess in theory he could have thrown it within say 1 percent of enough force to break the glass but you wouldn't know that unless you had prepared some kind of accelerometer or force gauge beforehand.

1/10 your story is full of holes.

>be argie
>in the land of the eternal 2 days beard
>start shaving at 12
>grow a full beard by 16
feels good

Sounds like very slow lycanthropy.

He threw it hard enough to make a loud sound but not hard enough actually crack the window.

It's not really that serious mate.

>It's okay my facial hair will improve!
>"Hey new guy to the group, that's a fantastic beard! How old are you?"
>"Seventeen."

Time to kill myself and start the genetic lottery over again.

Hello fellow were-carpet

Throw something hard at a wide of pane glass, it'll be loud because glass resonates. Doesn't have to even be thrown very hard.

Face it man your story is about as plausible as Bigfoot doing the hokey pokey in loch ness. You have been thoroughly debunked by my investigative skills and I eagerly await your apology.

>mfw trans but STRONG VIGOROUS FACIAL HAIR that would make any dwarf proud.
>mfw why is this shit growing on me

I thought your hormones prevented that.

It can thin out body hair a lot but, unfortunately it doesn't do much for facial hair.

...

tried IPL? Hurts like a bitch but it seems to be working

There was this guy Nate that use to hang out at BET'R Gaming in Rockville, MD back in the mid-late 1990s. I was in my late teens working at the store part time while in high school. He was a rotund NEET in his early 20s. This motherfucker was fat, broke and annoying as fuck. Highly opinionated and loud. However it was his pathetic begging for food that annoyed me the most. Remember he has no money and what little cash his mom gives his NEET ass goes toward Warhams. So any time those of us that worked there would order food this fucker was prowling around like an alley cat. "Hey can I steal a fry?" as his fat fingers hover above my meal. I say "what the fuck dude I am eating here". "well I just wanted one fry" he whines.

But the clincher was his favorite saying "its the principle of it". Any time you were talking to him if you brought up a good point he would try to end it with "its the principle of it". I had just picked up a cheap italian sub from Nikkos a shithole el cheapo greasy spoon right by the Rockville Metro station and Nate smelling food comes up from him MTG game at me full waddle. "Hey man, can..can I get a bit" he looks at me with hopeful eyes. "Let me get this straight Nate, you want a bite of the sandwhich I am in the process of eating". "Um, yeah!" I think he is starting to drool.

I'm pissed and lay into him with both barrels "You fucking freeloader I am trying to eat. Never ask me for food again and if you say "its the principle of it" I will ban you from the store."

I joined the Marines after High School. Nate was banned for shop lifting while I was at boot camp.

There's this guy, we honestly call him the 'Nigga', albeit he's latino brown at best.

He's semilliterate, has to powergame every time, and his PCs never quite make sense on their motivations, behavior and so on. Every background of his is an exercise in written interpretation for our GM.

The thing is, RPG makes him write 14 page backgrounds, read novels (of a certain dark elf though), dedicate poems for his own characters. It really inspires him to do these things when 99% of the guys like him woul hiss to letters in general. I find that amazing.

Even if he's our That Guy, we have fun with it and wouldn't have him any other way.

But user,

It's the principle of it!

I feel like this is a reference to something, but I can't place what.

Fuck man. I think I've met Nate. So many of those fuckers around dream wizards.

>Trans.

I'm interested to know when the depression kicks in and you off yourself. Isn't life expectancy dramatically low for you people?

>He's semilliterate, has to powergame every time, and his PCs never quite make sense on their motivations, behavior and so on. Every background of his is an exercise in written interpretation for our GM.

I've played with two guys like this, and it was a lot of fun. One of them was just a hick, a little on the stupid side, but very enthusiastic.

The other guy, well, he was was very hairy, largish and kind of fat, a sweatpant wearer. He wrote voluminous piles of Johnny Spaceboots tier 'lemon fan-fic' as we called it (this was the mid 90s and we still watched 4th generation copies with hideous yellow subs) involving some of his characters

Kill yourself.

rude

It's growing on you because you're a dude, dude.

That puppy is sad.

Activate the device, we apocalypse now.

More of a That Guy things that anything but has anyone ever noticed that most budding That Guys make their first characters defining trait be extreme alcoholism? Noticed it with a player who is slowly turning into a major problem DESPITE talking them more than once...

It's not a reference to anything. It's a true story.

Well the answer is that those "16 years old kids" aren't really 16 years old, but much older.

That's Catan, and I think the guy is Francis, it's staged (like his MTG one)

>Kill yourself.
Why would I? I'm not the one who's mentally ill.
go back to your tumblr echo-chamber if you don't like the truth.

For the old shows yes. For the new shows no, they finally started giving Daphne an actual personality beyond "wears makeup."

>have the ability to grow a glorious full beard that would make some who are my elders green with envy
>I have no idea how to properly care for facial hair, so it looks like I'm a hobo instead of a viking gentleman

user, do you remember what you are doing at the full moon nights?
Just asking.

>Tfw 19 and still haven't gotten my beard to connect.
>Tfw my beard and my chest hair are both have a very prominent bald spot.
>Tfw I haven't grown an inch in height in years.

It-it's gonna get better, right? I still have a chance?

Do you just shave every day, and otherwise look feminine?

No man. After 18 your body slows down on the growing process. I shot up to 6' 2" at 18 and now at 26 I'm 6' 4".

So I still have a shot a being 6' 0" instead of 5' 10"?
Good, That means I might not have to lie on Tinder anymore.

Last week, doing a SOI draft. I get sat next to these two guys who look like background characters from a Beavis and Butthead episode. The one on my right is the complete package. Overweight, body odor, thick glasses, constant slouch that juts his head forward so his neck looks deformed, patchy and thin beard, thinning hair that makes him look 55 even though he's probably 20, the works. He does this weird thing when passing me the draft cards where he'll hold the cards from the top and act like he's placing them down on the table next to me, but he stops about a centimeter above the table and just holds them there, waiting for me to take them awkwardly from his hand. I can't slide my hand under his because he's nearly pushing the cards against the table, so I have to negotiate around his fingers to take the cards. You know how some people hum or tap their feet or flick their cards when they think? Well this guy purrs. But not like an absent-minded thing that he does quietly to himself. He does it loudly, and like he's trying to seduce someone in a comedy movie. It's like he can't roll his tongue, so it's too slow and sounds incredibly labored and makes everyone around him stare whenever he does it.

I'm 21 and I'm registered (on my gov ID) as 5'10".
Worse still, I have lower back problems, and the last time my doctor measured me during a checkup, I was 5'8".

>mfw I have back problems, but I'm already 6'2"
>I'd probably be 6'4" without them but no one has any sympathy for me because I'm already 6'2"
I just hate being shorter than my father damnit

>18
>taller than parents
>taller than whole family
>5'9"
At least I till have some time to grow

>taller than whole family
I don't know what to tell you user, either you're adopted outright, or yo dad ain't yo dad.

My dead grandpa was 6'5", so I guess I inherited part of his height. All his kids were women.

I'm the spitting image of my dad.

29 here. If you can't do it by 17 it'll never happen. If you try then your family will just shame you and call you things like "Rat Beard" or "Patches". Then proceed to remind you of your failed growing attempts randomly for the rest of your life.

>tfw I was always shorter than my cousin during childhood, but then grew past him one year.

He is pretty short as I am only 6' in morning.

Don't think like that, user! It took until my early twenties to grow the beard I have today.

When did this board turn into frogposting about our height?

Neckbeards -> short people isn't that big of a jump.

What is that picture in your picture from

I'm pretty Veeky Forums but a huge loser that just wants to spend all day playing DnD, WH40K, etc.

The people at stores / clubs for these kinds of things are unbelievably mean towards me, it's pretty tragic. The only reason I even look remotely buff or what not is because I use my autism to grind at the gym as if I was grinding in a game.

>mfw grew a full beard at 12
>but it grows in a mixture of black and red
>everyone thought i dyed my beard like some kind of freak

Not fucking true, since I went to highschool with a lot of them. I even know people who started to grow a beard at 14.

I like this one. This one is great. Thank you for sharing.

Hey, a fellow Veeky Forumsizen. I too ended up learning picking up heavy things and counting my macros wouldn't turn me into a social butterfly.

Sauce?

>it's pretty tragic
For them, yeah
Realise that the true reason they are behing mean is because they are jealous.
Be it that they want your body or your perceived normie-ness, or hell maybe just your ability to get anything done in your life and improve yourself, they envy you.

Anyone worth playing with wouldn't judge you on it.