The Princess Doesn't Want You To Fuck Her?! Quest

NO. Zix what happened.

Did you bring back a doppelganger?
Dammit, you had ONE JOB!

Peer deeply into her eyes. They're all shiny and blurry and stuff.

Coupled with the apparent amnesia, in your esteemed non-medical opinion, she's not over the vampire whammy yet. Ooooor the dream magic.

Will! Zix! You're our vampire and/or dream magic experts. What's wrong with her noggin?

“Yew, did you bring back a doppleganger?!” I yell. “Damn it! YOU HAD ONE JOB!”

“N-no! This is the Princess, I swear!” Yew redundantly points, emphasizing the Princess’s Princessness. “I never took my eyes off of her. I hardly even blinked!”

“Wait, I’m the Princess?” Ava blinks, realizing. “Nice!” After a moment, she does a formal pose. “I mean, uh, yeah. I’m the Princess. Right.”

“Will, what is this?” I turn to him. “Why’s she all weird and swirly-eyed? Is this vampire magic?”

“I have no idea.” Will examines the Princess, confused. “She should either be enthralled, or totally knocked out. There’s no middle ground. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Zix…” I advance on Zix, glaring. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Zix shrugs.

“You have to know!” I clench my fists. “You’re a fucking wizard!”

“No, I’m not!” Zix backs away, scared. “I’m a bandit! A dream bandit! I don’t do this kind of stuff!”

“Well, learn how!” I roar. “We need to fix her!”

“Wow, you’re an angry gal.” Ava laughs. “What’s your deal? You my sister or something?”

...I bet she's possessed. There are ghosts in the Valley of Screams, Hills, and Extreme Danger, aren't there.

If not, what kind of Extreme Dangers are there?

>What’s your deal? You my sister or something?
Ew, no, I'm not THAT kind of pervert.

>I’m a bandit! A dream bandit! I don’t do this kind of stuff!
Well grab your magic board and try bandit-ing what's going on in her head. If you can't fix it, maybe you can see what's weird, besides the glow-y eyes.

That's a good point. It could be a new problem. Like ghosts. Or maybe the lake you left her at is fed with lethe water or something.

“Sister? Ew. No, I’m not THAT kind of pervert.”

“Huh?” Ava looks at me. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not a sister-fucker. My sister’s like ten years old, anyway, so, yeah, you’re not her. Which is good. Because that would make fucking you a problem.”

“Wait, what?! I have a gay lover?!” Ava seems shocked. “Ew!”

“W-what?!” My eyes go wide. “No! Not ‘ew’! Opposite of ‘ew’! ‘Yay’! We’re going to fuck all over the place, and that’s not ‘ew’ at all, damn it!”

“Hey, if the princess doesn’t want you to fuck her, Raban…” Will starts, putting a hand on my shoulder. I shove it away, angry.

“Yeah, right. Ava wants me, and you know it.” I point accusingly at Ava. “You’re not her, are you? Cursed lake water, bear magic, I don’t know, but you’re not her! No, no, I’ve got it! You’re a ghost! Zix, there are ghosts in this valley, right?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Ghosts, Giant Everythings, Bladetongues, Poison Elementals, Invisible Nightmarebeasts, Renewable Unpredictable Curses, Flying Demonic Angel Bears, Exploding Fruit, Evil Oxygen…”

“Okay, okay, stop.” Ava backs away, giggling. “I’m a ghost. You got me.”

“Wow, really?” Yew tilts her head. “That was easy.”

“What can I say? I’m not good at the whole pretending shtick, and I'm not about to fuck a chick to keep it up.” She smiles. “I’m the Great and Spectacular Witch Diane. Well, I guess I’m actually the Dead Witch Diane, at this point. I saw you passing through the Astral layer during those whole dream shenanigans, and I noticed this body was basically ripe for the taking. Coma means nobody’s at home, you know? I figured I’d try squatting for a little while. And now it turns out I’m a Princess! Man, my afterlife is looking up.”

“So you’re not even one of the P.R.A.T.S.? You’re just some asshole ghost?!”

“Haha, yeah, pretty much.” Diane shrugs. “Can’t deny! So, what's up with you guys?”

Yeah alright. Tell her you stole away the princess with plans of ravishing her senseless but things keep going wrong and you never have any time to yourselves. She can inhabit the body for a while, I guess, so long as she doesn't do anything weird. Princess wasn't gonna wake up anyway, and this means you don't have to guard a sleeping body or drag her around everywhere.

*shrug*

Well, if Ava's still too much in a coma to use her body... is it really a bad thing if a ghost borrows it for a little while? Look, she can even walk instead of us having to carry her everywhere! And she can feed herself, instead of us having to try and cram it down her coma throat!

I say we recruit her, temporarily. Princess understudy.

Then when Ava wakes up we can stick her in someone else. The next PRAT, probably. You know one will show up right when Ava wakes up.

So when did you die, and what witchy things do you do?

>So, what's up with you guys?
Running away from jerks who keep trying to kidnap the princess and drag her back home before she's ready, mostly.

Well…” I look at her. She looks friendly enough. “Yeah, alright. You can borrow Ava’s body for a while, I guess, as long as you don’t do anything weird. ”

“Wow, really? Sweet. Darn neighborly of you, ladysex.” She stretches. “I was worried I’d have to start running.”

“You can only stay until Ava wakes up, though. We’ll try to find you another body when that happens.”

“Gosh! You’re just a fountain of generosity, you are!” She laughs again. “I like you. Not in a like-like kind of way, though. Did I mention I’m not gay? That means, to be clear, I would not have sex with any of you, because you’re all ladies. Got it?”

“Um, yeah, we get it.” Will sighs. “I mean, I’m a man, but I’m not about to make love with an unnatural specter occupying the flesh of my best friend’s comatose girlfriend.”

“You’re a man?! Wow, you guys are total freaks!” Diane claps her hands in brash amusement. “I love it!”

“Speaking of freaks, what’s your deal?” I ask. “How’d you die? What witchy shit do you do?”

“I was in a wizard’s duel, and I turned the arena into a dragon.”

“And?”

“I was inside it. Didn’t really think that one through. So, what are you guys all about? What's your game plan?”

“I stole away the Princess with plans of ravishing her senseless, but things keep going wrong, and we never have any time to ourselves. You’re the latest in a long line of distractions.”

“Oh. Awkward! My bad. Hey, what were those things you talked about before? P.R.A.T.S.?”

“They’re jerks who stop me and Ava from getting it on.”

“Yeah. Jerks.” Zix nods, looking uncomfortable. “Like me, or that guy up there.”

“Guy?” We all turn to see some guy standing on top of a nearby cliff.

“Fools!” He bellows. “You have fallen into my trap!”

“We have?”

“You have! Now unhand the Princess at once, or I’ll be forced to use the techniques of my forgotten secret quasiultradivine ancient bloodline!”

“I don’t really have my hands on her at the moment.” I glance at Diane. “To my eternal frustration.”

“Don’t be coy! I can see her right there!”

“Um, well, about that.” Diane raises a hand. “There’s probably something you should know…”

then she shall remain un-rescued.

I aint link or mario, you're puttin out

“Don’t even start with your usual lies! They will not faze me, for it is I, Roninkamikawaiigaijintekken-sama, fourth of the Princess Retrieval Attack Team Specialists!” He poses, sparkling slightly.

“Aren’t you actually the third one, though?”

“No! Four is better, because it means ‘death’! Everyone knows that.”

“Who is this guy, Zix?” I lean over, whispering. “I thought none of them were crazy enough to follow us.”

“Ugh.” Zix groans. “I hate this dude. We never talked about him, back in the P.R.A.T.S., because he’s a huge embarrassment. He kind of slipped my mind. Sorry. He’s totally crazy enough to do… well, anything, as long as he can pretend he’s cool while doing it.”

“Give me the Princess, and perhaps I will grant you quicker deaths!” He continues to pose. “Do not make me release my unholy blood magicks using the power of my four superkatanas!”

Ask if your new Ghost Witch friend can cast magic.

Otherwise, just act as lame and defenseless as possible. Rob him of the ability to look cool.

>“Yeah. Jerks.” Zix nods, looking uncomfortable. “Like me, or that guy up there.”
Oh come on, you're a reformed jerk now. Or at least on jerk probation.

Oh my god his name is pure magic.

>what do
So... just to be clear, you can't use any of your horrible deadly super cool magic on the princess because you'd kill her, right?

Nudge Diane. Okay, "Princess", why don't you show him just what you think of his "magicks". (Sic the witch on him, he can't fight back effectively since she has Ava's body).

Metalogic him into fucking off. Convince him how cool it would be to just tell everyone that we had an epic battle that he narrowly escaped with his life and he can declare a lifelong quest of revenge on us. Or something.

Not a bad idea. Maybe she can possess his body instead.

“I’ve got an idea.” I push Diane forward. “Okay, ‘Princess’, why don’t you show him just what you think of his ‘magicks’.”

“What?!” She looks at me, shocked. “But I - I don’t have any spells prepared!”

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think you’ll need them.” I wink and grin, slapping her on the ass. “Good luck.”

“Hey, wait!” She squeaks, but I’ve already returned to the others. I give her a thumbs-up. Diane nervously turns to face Roninkamikawaiigaijintekken-sama. “Hi. I’m here to, uh, fight you. I guess.”

“N-nani?!” Roninkamikawaiigaijintekken-sama recoils in shock. “I must fight the Princess… such a delicate female opponent? No… no. This can not be!”

“You okay, man?”

“My… my darkness…” Roninkamikawaiigaijintekken-sama pulls down his sleeve, his belt-bracers showing under his robes. He crouches, staring at his hand, his head resting on one of his zipper-pauldrons. “I must control my rage and suffering, lest I hurt those weaker… yet the pain of my cruel shadowheart’s strength is great. Such is the curse of my heavenly bloodline… and the demonic bloodpower held within.”

He continues monologuing like that for a while. I don’t think he’s going to stop anytime soon.

>He continues monologuing like that for a while. I don’t think he’s going to stop anytime soon.
Well then there's plenty of time for Diane to prepare some spells!

Or for one of you to pull a sneak attack. Or for the bandit to start taking his stuff (always use steal on the rare rpg tragic boss monsters, they have the best items).

...or you know, just leave before he notices you're gone.

Maybe you can flee further into the Extreme Danger while he's monologing.

Ask Diane if he'd want this guys body, just to gauge her tastes.

Understandable if she would not be too hot about this one though.

“Is he STILL monologuing?” Yew shuffles around in the cart, trying to get a better view.

“I think so.” I gaze out of the cave’s entrance. “I can’t see or hear him anymore.”

“I can’t believe he was doing it for all the time it took to load up the cart, prepare the horses…” Diane looks at me, baffled. “How did you know he would react like that?”

“I’m just awesome.” I flash another grin at her.

“She’s super lucky.” Will calls back. “The world just seems to go Raban’s way most of the time. Except, you know, when it comes to getting laid.”

“Shut up, Willamina.”

“STOP CALLING ME -!”

“Shh.” Zix whispers. “Will, we’re trying to stay stealthy.”

“Fine.” Will lowers his voice. “Raban, I want to talk to you once we find a safe place. Alone.”

“Sure.” I tap Diane on the shoulder. “Hey, what do you think of that guy’s body? You want it?”

“Are you kidding?” Diane looks incredulous. “That nutjob of a walking fashion disaster? I think he’s an elf, too. Elves are totally disgusting. Not to mention the whole ‘dick’ thing. I’d prefer a regular girl body, thanks.”

“If you had no other choice?”

She hesitates. “…Yeah, maybe it could work. But only in the short term. Ick.”

We park the wagon further inside. Too far for that silly lunatic to find us, hopefully. After we’re settled, Will pulls me aside, leading me off into a more remote area. Out of earshot.

“What is it, Will?” I sigh. “Is it about Willamina? Because, look, whatever you’re going to say…”

“It’s not about Willamina, you dumbass.” Will growls. “It’s about the damn ghost!”

“Diane? What about her?”

“You’re just letting her USE Ava’s body! She’s a fucking monster, Raban! That, and a complete stranger.”

“So was Zix.”

“Yeah, well, that’s an argument for another day, but forget that.” Will grumbles. “Don’t you think it’s a little messed up to practically rent out your girlfriend’s body without even consulting her first?”

“How could I? She’s comatose.”

“So go into her head. Zix can do that, remember? See what the Princess thinks about this.”

“I thought you didn’t trust Zix, either.”

“I trust him… her a lot more than this bizarre stranger. Zix sacrificed stuff to come with us. Diane just hijacked the Princess’s body.” Will taps his foot. “Raban, I’m being nice by not flat-out trying to kill the magical bodysnatcher, okay? I would have done, if you hadn’t made friends.”

“What, really?”

“Well, yeah. If this thing with Diane ends up going south, if she runs off with the Princess’s body, then there’s going to be as much guilt on my shoulders as on yours. So, please, just do me this favor. Talk to Ava. See what she thinks about all of this.”

That's a good idea I hadn't thought of.

Wait what about dream sex can we do that

Not a bad suggestion from Will. Chatting up Ava to see how she is holding up would not be a bad thing.

“That’s not a bad suggestion.” I nod. “Chatting up Ava to see how she’s holding up would… wait.”

“What is it?”

“Dream sex.” I move closer to Will.

“Huh?”

“Dream sex. Is it possible?”

“I don’t know. Probably?”

I immediately leave Will behind and rush back to the others.

“Zix.” I walk up to her. “Dream sex.”

“Excuse me?”

“Dream sex, Zix!” I grab her by her collar. “CAN IT BE DONE?!”

“What do you mean?” Zix gapes at me. “I’m sorry, I - I don’t understand!”

“Can two people have sex in a shared dream?!”

“Yeah, totally. I mean, it wouldn’t be real, obviously, but…”

“DO IT NOW!”

“Wh-what?! With ME?”

“No! With Ava!”

“What are you talking about?” Diane pokes me in the back to get my attention. “Ava is this body’s landlord, right?”

“Yeah.” I nod fervently. “I’m going to go into her head. I need to see her, talk to her, and… ahem.” I cough.

“Why? Is there some urgency?” Diane seems anxious. “Can’t this be done some other time?”

“IT IS THE MOST URGENT THING IN THE WORLD”

“Well, okay, if you’re sure.” She bites her lip. “…What are you going to talk to her about?”

Ask Diane if there's anything wrong with Ava's dreams while she's possessing the body. Probably not, but it's a concern.

Then tell her you were going to at least try to get Ava's permission to let her use the body while Ava's not using it. ...ask Diane to give you a good argument for Ava, so you're more likely to get a yes out of the princess. I mean, aside from the obvious convenience of not having to deal with a comatose body... can Diane work on preparing spells so we can deal with the next PRAT? That'll give us another reason for Ava to say yes.

Oh also you were planning on talking about private things with Ava. Nothing she needs to worry about since the waking and dreaming worlds are totally separate.

"About the geopolitical climate and taxation policy of the lower classes. What do you think?"

"You are free to join us, Diane, since you seem to be interested. Didn't take you for a voyerist though. Are you perhaps, just a little bit bi-curious after all?"

“I was going to try to get Ava’s permission to let you use her body.”

“Oh.” Diane sighs. “Shit. I was afraid that you might say that.”

“Got any good arguments I can give her on your behalf?”

“Huh? Uh, let me think…” Diane goes quiet for a little while. “Okay, here’s one: I’ll take really good care of it, I’ll keep it safe and clean and pretty, I won’t shove anything anywhere private, and I’ll make sure that it’s consistently fed and watered. I’m way good at body upkeep, I promise!”

“Mmhmm. Got it.” I wink. “We’re also going to discuss the, uh, geopolitical climate and taxation policy of the lower classes.”

“Seriously?”

“What do you think?” I laugh. “It’s going to be a ‘private’ discussion, but you’re free to join us, if you’re interested. Didn’t take you for a voyeur, though. Are you perhaps just a little bit bi-curious after all?”

“Nope!” Diane blushes very slightly. “But I’ll probably be in there somewhere, whether I want to or not. I mean, I’m inside her, right? Is that how it works?”

“I have absolutely no clue.” Zix shrugs. “This is all waaay outside of my experience.”

“Whatever. Do it. Right now.”

“Well, alright…” Zix seems hesitant. “Just to be clear, this won’t quite be like last time. You’ll be lucid, but inside the Princess’s dream, where she’ll have full control. She’ll probably have a tough time believing that she’s dreaming.”

“Got it.” I lie down on the floor. “Go on.”

“Here goes…” Zix starts chanting and tapping her Astral Outlet.

And then, suddenly, I’m in a castle.

This should be the Princess's castle. Go looking around. Hmmm... try to pass yourself off as one of the maids, if nobody recognizes you.

Haha, what if we get interrupted again in her bedroom and the entire quest starts over again, wouldn't that be just perfect?

I look around.

Huh. I think this is a nursery, but it's bigger and fancier than my family's entire house.

There's a small girl looking away from me, playing with some blocks in the corner of the room.

She's crying quietly.

AWKWARD. That's probably the princess. Go say hi, ask what she's building.

Investigate and inquire the cause of the girls distress.

“Hi.” I walk over to the girl.

She jumps to her feet with a start. She quickly gives me a curtsy, with tears still running down her face. A moment later, she drops the curtsy, looking ashamed. “I’m sorry. Father says I shouldn’t do that anymore. He says that my great-uncle died, so now he’s going to be King, and I’m going to be a Princess, and Princesses don’t curtsy to anyone. Princesses don’t get to have f-friends, or play outside, and they can’t fall in love, their whole lives are ordered and arranged and…” She trails off, sobbing.

...

...Figures.

“It’s going to be okay, you know. It’s not all set in stone.”

“I think it is.” Ava looks up at me. “You look sad, too. Did I do something wrong?”

“No. You didn’t.” I shake my head. “It’s just an adult thing. Forget about it. It’s not important.”

She nods, sniffling.

“What are you building?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Do you want to build it together?”

“…Okay.”

Thanks for running

You're welcome!

Thanks for participating.

are we a male? no? THEN SHE SHOULD LET US FUCK HER!

Wait...if Edgey McEdge was the fourth of the P.R.A.T.S and Zix was the second, then who was the third?

lol nevermind I am an idiot who needs to read this part