How do I get my players to stop being such cowards?

How do I get my players to stop being such cowards?

I'm DMing an old school dungeon crawl game, and while some amount of caution is expected, I feel they're taking things way too far. Some examples include...
>Everyone checking for traps every single turn, twice a turn, even after being told multiple times they don't need to.
>Running all the way back to the entrance because the thief failed a listen roll at a door
>Immediately fleeing from any combat when anyone rolls less than a 14
>Immediately fleeing from combat if the enemies have any kind of ranged attacker
>Dealing with any new room by having the thieves look for traps at the door, listen for sounds at the door, pick the lock even if it's not locked, carefully open the door, and then everyone chucks firebombs in there and runs back to the entrance
>Refusing to touch any kind of treasure because, and I quote, "It might be cursed."
And this is the kicker
>Leaving the dungeon entirely and heading back to town, which is an in-game week away, because one fighter out of three took 2 damage when a goblin stabbed him and the cleric had to heal him with magic, so obviously they had to go all the way back to civilization so he could get his spell back

There's more, but those are the most egregious examples.

I've tried talking to them, but they just said something about it being the "optimal strategy." I said at the very start of the game that some characters might die, but I'm not out to get them. I'm not a killer DM, I swear.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Help me Veeky Forums, you're my only hope.

You run a Tomb of Horrors filler sesion.

Kicker's easy, add an in-game time limit; doomsday weapon, baddie evil plan succeeding, group cursed, searching for cure for poison, etc

If we're complaining about players how about when one will roll like a 5 and then complain all turn that they missed or a Fighter with like 60 health complaining that they took 6 damage

Make the game as dangerous as they seem to think it is. Go for some Tomb of Horrors stuff.

They'd probably have a collective panic attack. That or take two sessions just to go into the damn thing.
See, I thought about that, but it just seems really passive aggressive to just throw my hands up and say game over when they take too long. They seem like they're having a good time and all, the problem is I'm not. It's boring watching the routine play out again and again with the PCs never in danger because they run at the first sign of adversity, or they take so many precautions that it eliminates any kind of risk.

Don't say game over after they take too long, establish before the session that their goal has an inherit time limit like royalty dying if they don't find the cure to whatever.

Close the dungeon so no running back. Rooms with encounters lock up ala zelda when the party enters them.

Good old "party is surrounded"

Alright, I'll try some of these. Thanks guys, I'll let you know how it goes.

Time constraints.

The duchess will die if she doesn't have the moss from the bottom of Spooky Cave in ten hours.

Those dickhead adventurers that dumped a drink on the cleric are rushing to the same dungeon to take the loot!

The dragon at the top of the tower notices that adventurers have been poking around in his lair and decides to torch a nearby village as a warning.

Those discount potions the PCs bought are highly unstable and they will expire in two days.

The dungeon the PCs returned to is now empty. It's been picked clean!

The dungeon the PCs returned to is no longer compromised or has been heavily reinforced. The main door is sealed with a gate and under heavy guard. Now the PCs need to find another way inside because they were fucking around.

The super cute NPC everyone likes is going to marry Guy Evildude in a week unless someone brings evidence of his evil doings.

So what you're saying is that you are upset that the player characters are acting like real people?
Old school dungeon crawls are great and all, but let's be clear here, I would rather deal with people who act like their characters are real people than just meat for the meat grinder.
Source: played the dwarf fighter/thief in the tomb of horrors. Are DM gave us props for actually giving a shit about not just being retards and slamming our face into the mouth of 'go fuck yourself.'

I'd go with
as well. It will be more rewarding for the players and more entertaining for you if their cowardice has an actual reason beyond blind paranoia.

ROCK SPLITS, PARTY FALLS, LANDS IN THE DUNGEON

He's complaining that the players aren't acting like adventurers. Granted, real people aren't going to blindly run into life-or-death situations with zero self-preservation instinct, but armed, armored, magic-wielding, moderately-trained warriors aren't going to be running and hiding whenever they hear a floorboard squeak.

run back to town ayy? I think it's time the town got taken over be it possession a murderous cult or a witch controlling the population. It's time their safe space became less safe

Dunno man.

Floorboard squeaks are pretty scary.

Let them fail the quest, let them get ambushed on their rush back to town.. force them to stay in combat by magically lock the door behind them so they have to fight

I CAST FIST ON SQUEAKS

Call a new player in. A brave one.

Fair enough.
As soon as we found the face full of fuck you in the tomb we pretty much watched the fuck out.
lost a iron ration doing the old, fishing for monsters in that thing, my dude wasn't happy.

oh god, that's a great plan too. Town becomes screwed up then hold a mirror up to their cowardice by toying with them.

Boxes full of spring snakes, clocks counting down to nothing, squeeky floorboards and other small details that you bring attention to;
"There is a small nail poking out from a floor board in the room"
"A strage piece of string coming out from the wall"
"Foot prints heading into a wall"
"Dimly lit corners"

things like that will screw with their heads and eventually they will get so sick of running from nothing they will man up

They could have also played a shit load of WHFRP 2nd, I know I get really paranoid after playing that.
Gotta remind yourself that the goblin with pointy sticks won't hurt you anymore.

NPCs making fun of them for being so indecisive and fearing stuff

Honestly? Yes. I don't run games so the players can be regular folks. I run games so they can do dangerous and daring things, so they can be exciting characters.

Besides, let's face it. No real person would bother dungeon delving in the first place. They'd settle down and become a farmer.

I like it, have a town crier declre them the most cowardly adventurers ever. Or a with turn them bit by bit into a goat every time they show cowardice

some clippidy cloppidy hooves should be a good start

Nah man, that seems like taking things too far.

>Running all the way back to the entrance because the thief failed a listen roll at a door

How would the character know they failed the roll? you shouldn't have to but maybe you should roll these kind of rolls for them. Say "you hear nothing/[ambient sounds]", not you failed the check.

Your characters are playing optimally as far as possible. Make it sub optimal to go back in town after a scrap and a bump, encourage progression and not this level of causion. Let them do half a dungeon, go back to town and return to find the dungeon cleared, they're not the only dungeon crawlers.

Didn't explicitly say that he failed, but he rolled really badly and assumed. Think it was a 2 or something.

>Let them do half a dungeon, go back to town and return to find the dungeon cleared, they're not the only dungeon crawlers.

Something tells me they'd just camp out and let the NPC party do everything ahead of them.

I have an on and off player who gets all shitty and mopey and mad when anything doesn't go his way. Like any amount of damage or a missed attack or failed check. Then, when he does something useful, he gets all arrogant and he's on top of the world. He drives me fucking crazy.