What is the best way to cheat death?

What happens when everyone starts challenging death to a game of calvinball?

Death is a cheating shit anyway

I compiled a micro-dataset for you.

>Name
>Rough lifespan
>Birth year

Francois Philidor 69 1795
Paul Morphy 47 1837
Emmanuel Lasker 73 1868
Jose Capablanca 54 1888
Alexander Alekhine 54 1892

>Since the dawn of time, man has known how to play chess. The Lord passed down the knowledge to Adam and Eve, and so they too passed it to their children and their children's children.
>But Death was never taught the game by the Lord and so he had to learn through practice over millennia.
>And so it came to pass that our forefathers had lifespans of hundreds of years but we have jack.

My dnd group didn't have enough diamonds for a resurrection spell, so when one of our members died we snagged a soul gem and a pot and made a soul trap. Then we found his spirit in a neutral afterlife plane, traveled to it with magic, busted out his soul and heist ed him back to world of the living and into his body

Become immortal. Simple as that.

/thread

Clearly Jose Capablanca was giving Death some trouble, so he had to level up and beat Emmanuel Lasker first

Thank you for your research.
So, let's file this method under "not efficient".

Obviously, the simplest and most efficient way to cheat death is to become a 3.5 wizard, to convince your DM to accept third-part material and to take as starting spell (or as new spell as you gain a level) "Eternal life", a 1st level totally-balanced spell that makes you eternally young, allow you to ignore the age limit, regenerate you to full health if killed and allow a free perfect transplanar teleportation per hour if you find yourself immobilized.

I think Clue would also do

Now seriously,I think the best to cheat Death is reaching godhood; still possible to be killed and die, and it's low,looooow posibility, and it's better than withering away as a lich or something like that.

Become a tree.

Death must have had a few tries at killing Joseph Blackburne. He lived to 83yo and was one of the top players of the mid and late 19th century. They probably had three matches, starting in his 50s.

Its really quite simply, you need to give her the d

But that's not cheating. That's winning fairly.

Clearly, you need to get him to look away and move a couple pawns around while his back is turned.

Wet shirt contest. My man boobs are bigger than death's, unless it's Gaiman's Death in which case it might just be a sight worth dying for.

Inject massive amounts of mercury and have sex with girls that haven't had their period yet

Ignore it until it comes for you, cheat it of the fear it feeds on.

Well, pedophiles are one massive injection of mercury away from immortality. Spread the word.

youtube.com/watch?v=K6RUg-NkjY4

Bet him you can play a fiddle better than him.

Make sure everyone remembers you long after you're gone. That way, when they inevitably make a resurrection device, you're the first one they'll raise from the dead.

And then put you behind a glass display in a museum with no means of suicide available

Don't.

When it's your time, it's your time, and if you cared a lick about yourself or anyone else you'd grow up enough to accept that. Now that doesn't mean there's no need for doctors, mind you, but when they can't save you, you ought to realize that.

Defeating Death in a game of Dance Dance Revolution

I found this comment far funnier than I probably should have.

>Any setting including ours.
>ours
Replacing your blood with perfluorocarbons would be a good start.

Better at carrying oxygen than red blood cells, and essentially impossible to suffer a stroke or heart attack due to the extreme smallness of the oxygen-carrying particles being able to work around any clot or plaque in a blood vessel.

>2016
>going quietly into that good night

You know, if everyone got hit in the face by a hammer once a day, you'd be that jackoff talking about how good it is to get hit in the face with hammers and how we shouldn't try to stop it because it makes us better people.

You can't just replace your blood with something else. Your body is always making more blood. Within a few days, you'd be back to that same shit-tier mix of cells just waiting to get clogged up by cholesterol and kill you.

So rip out all your bones and replace with metal skeleton ala Terminator.

Er, marrow makes blood cells etc right? It's been a decade since my last biology class.

>INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER

That's not what he said, like at all. All he proposed was accepting the reality of death and just living out your life. In my honest opinion, that's a really mature way to handle the reality of it instead of going "TEH FUTRE ROBOT MEAK ME IMMORTAL!!!!11!"

HA

Those cause clots though, at least they have shown to in people they have been used in. Likely how they interact with the rest of our blood though.
Marrow, spleen, and actually in your blood itself, Hematopoietic stem cells that turn into red blood cells are found in many places in the body, but mostly in the marrow.

You could just kill off your bone marrow with directed radiation treatments. Of course, then you run into the problem that you don't have any of the other components of blood like white blood cells being produced.

You'd have to have some sort of implant that passed your blood substitute through a filter or intense UV light sterilization process to eliminate bacteria. And without platelets, your body wouldn't form scabs, so you'd have to do something else like applying a glue to seal up cuts while they healed.

youtube.com/watch?v=H8JTcMABM9Q

If you're dealing with Death of the Endless you should know perfectly well it's an EXTREMELY bad idea to bang one of them.

Find a good woman (or man) and have children. Pass your genes on, then teach them your morals and values. Watch as they grow and learn, eventually surpassing you and becoming a better person in an exciting new world.

Lay your weary head to rest, and pass on knowing that you made at least one truly good thing in this world.

Or continue shit posting here.

Worth it.

Wait, so given those birth and death years...

>1726 years old
>1790 years old
>1795 years old
>1834 years old
>1838 years old

Holy shit. Gentlemen, Death must really suck at chess.

user, that isn't all blood does.

I feel like the risk of bleeding to death from even a minor cut is way more serious than any of the benefits that this sort of thing would bring.

That would explain how Moses and Abraham somehow lived hundreds and hundreds of years.

Depends how good can you play a fiddle?

>challenging Death to a game of Clue
>The game with the objective figuring out how someone was murdered
>Challenging Death to figure out how someone died

user you did not think this through.

>implying it won't take Catrina's form and humiliate you on a wet shirt contest
I'll rather take my chances with chess

Read his post again.

>What is the best way to cheat death?
I'm not sure.

But making a deal with a Night Hag is definitely the worst way.

If you challenge Death to Hangman, does Death always lose? I can't imagine a scenario where the hangman doesn't hang.

>Death doesn't actually have to play you for your soul.

>Death can reap you at any time without any stipulations what so ever. Nothing can stop Death.

>Death just really loves playing games. Like, really, really, really loves Games. All games in fact.

>Chess is of course the most famous, but you can challenge Death to any kind of game- Pen and Paper games, Board Games or even modern day Video Games.

>2016
>not realizing you are endless, only the shell you chose to occupy is finite

>challenge death to a game of The Game
>challenge death to a game of Omweso (and go for a never ending move)
>challenge death to a competition of being the best GM for a life-long pnp session

>th36b
>not realising we're all the dream of a sentient butternut squash

Somehow I don't think Death would be bested by game selection. You pick chess and he's already got an ivory set made from chess champions to play with. You pick football/soccer and he shows you a cleat selection a mile long and eagerly asks you which of a million variant rulesets you have in mind. You pick Smash Bros and he's got a Gamecube controller with boney-looking grooves in the shoulder buttons borne of neverending waveshine practice.

You cleverly make him play your TTRPG to stall him but he's already That Guying you, holding up the game for an argument on rules, GM prerogative, the nonfunctionality AS a game if collaboration is not present, the consistency of the setting, and then setting an argument trap for a broken literal reading of the rules wherein he would finish the campaign in mere hours, fighting you on interpretation and the English language, and by the end it turns out he was leading you to argue for a position whose own corollary is that he gets to show you another rule where he is definitely allowed to do this worse shit BECAUSE of your ruling and completes it in minutes instead - no takebacks now. You tried to game his system but he's the beat player at his postmortem-game-challenge system, and you still lose like you would have at a ski race but now have no fun at all along with it.

The takeaway seems to be that thinking you're clever enough to beat Death at a solvable game will usually lead to an early grave, if anything.

I can play a saxophone, i hope Death likes Baker Street

This is basically what Lord Loss from Darren Shan's Demonata book series did, even though he's 'just' a comparatively weak demon master. He got challenged by a mage who wanted Lord Loss to rid members of his family of the werewolf curse iirc and after a lot of failed pleading challenged him to a game of chess. He himself never lost a single game due to devoting his life and considerable intellect to the game, but afterwards Lord Loss became embittered with those humiliating losses but still infatuated with the game. So every next challenger would have to bring someone to fight off his familiars while they played, which ended up in their deaths much more often since even very skilled humans can't very well stand up to anything but the weakest of demons which Loss's familiars were most certainly not. Still people kept challenging him and sometimes people would win, which would in turn encourage people to keep trying.

This all ends up with Loss reaching grand master level by the time of the first book, absolutely thrashing the brother of someone who was orders of magnitude more skilled than his daughter who was winning large regional youth tournaments. Eventually he got defeated by a somewhat skilled amateur boy who mostly just won some local tournaments because he realized that since Loss feeds on despair and fear he should just stop giving a shit about any of the various lives at stake in the competition which perturbed Loss enough to make many horrid mistakes leading to his loss. He probably only succeeded in actually turning his emotions off like that because he was traumatized by his first meeting with Loss and spent a long time (months?) in a mental institution where he often was forced into that state of mind due to the drugs.

Come to think of it, that book was fucking nuts for a book aimed towards young teens.

Underrated post.

In pathfinder, pick up 5 levels of reincarnated druid.

After that, don't get hit by death magic. So as long as you're not fighting evil clerics, undead, and/or necromancers, you'd be golden.

>not drawing nipples
>ya I know she's a supernatural being

For what purpose

>and if you cared a lick about yourself or anyone else you'd grow up enough to accept that.

Ah yes, the edgy kiddo's "deathism is maturity" spiel.

Nah his summary was apt. "Those who agree with me are mature, those who hurt my feelings are immature!"

Look closer, user, the nipples used to be there.
I wager it's a version created for Veeky Forums.

Oh ok. Here I was already tensing up for "LOL Y WOULD THE EMBODIMENT OF DEATH HAVE NIPPLES" arguments, dragonborn shit all over but on a metaphysical level.

I'd rather challenge death to a game of Russian Roulette

Candyland.

Death has had eternity to master all games, and if you decide to shoot straight dice he'll probably give you unfavorable odds. Candyland insures the best chance at winning at a hefty 50%.

hi snoozu

I wonder if that would be comfy or not

Marriage
>only couple in group are sickeningly lovey dovey
>like slurred words and constantly holding hands with cutesy nicknames levels of sickening
>both play chaotic jackass rogues
>dm has always had a flame out for the chick even after she turned him down for the 80th time and introduced her BF who also played DnD
>eventual wedding using stolen funds
>in lieu of rings they exchange a vow of "blah blah blah my everything is yours." From both of them and seal it by cutting their hands and then handholding constantly forever so the scars match up or some B.S.
>never gets mentioned again and sessions pick up once they realize they're not alone in a dark room but around actual people so proper social behavior is expected
>still lovey dovey but they aren't trying to initiate a makeout session fueled by "cutie pie"'s and "kitten"s in the middle of the DM's flat
>eventually the chick gets nailed hard by a trap and is pretty dead
don't know if this shit was secretly talked over with the DM prior or what
>death shows up
>literally the first time he's shown his face despite this being the third player death
>boyfriend says death can't claim her soul as he was freely given it in its entirety at their wedding
>says its a legally binding contract, as if that should matter to death, and that she can't die unless he says so and vice versa
>shit storm ensues
>settle on taking this shit to the king of the nation as he has ultimate authority in his realm, legally speaking
>ends up with the 2 law students(dm and paladin. Irony.) debating
>paladin is playing death in the debate while the DM rolled up a DMPC as a legal advisor
>have this huge fucking legal debate
>lasts maybe 3 hours
>cleric, barb, warrior, and bard(me) were given the position of acting as a jury OOC to decide the kings decision

>ends up with us agreeing they can't die, can't be healed and are infact harmed by heals, turn undead and the like are 3/4 effective on them, damage like lost limbs is permanent, and this whole fuck huge chart of how much damage in one hit means what and what they roll for whats lost
>not even mad as its the most interest veer off the tracks i've ever experienced
>entirely mad when nothing ever comes of it as DM actively shields them through fiat from losing bits or coming up against shit that would hurt then like priests
>rest of the group had to keep hawkeyes on the game cause dm and couple would try and pass over damage that would result in loss of bits
I'd honestly pull the same shit if i could get a player and DM to play along as a 3 hour intense debate tends to cement that shit pretty hard.

Probably not unless you sit JUST right.
unless they've just been under heat lamps snakes are pretty cold and constrictors are crazy muscled so it'd be like sitting on a piece of round smooth concrete pipe that moves occasionally.

Woo her and then date another anthropomorphic personification.

Give her food, don't burn her village down, don't try and attack her with her own scythe because she'll just tear out your jugular with her teeth then.

Why don't they kill her? Wouldn't they find her annoying as fuck even if they were well fed?

You don't cheat Death. That would imply somehow managing to trick him, and he's been at this too long with far smarter people than you.

You find some reason for him to let you off easy or do you a favor. Maybe you promise to kill a bunch of people who were supposed to die a long time ago, like liches and vampires. Maybe you promise to end a war that's leaving him really overworked.

>Be the GM for Death in a tabletop game
>actually encourage him to enjoy playing his character and taking his time to enjoy this imaginary world you set up for him
>kill him off in a way that is awesome yet vaguely unsatisfying
>have Death finally understand how sucky it is to die and lose all that progress, and leave you alone

...

If I were one of those players, then I would have moved quickly to a simple "You are undead now, but you don't decay" resolution and continued playing. It would just be a convenient excuse to play a character adapting to being undead.

>Maybe you promise to kill a bunch of people who were supposed to die a long time ago, like liches and vampires.

A Constantine-esque personality who was supposed to have died a long time ago but who made a pact with Death to hunt down and kill those who escaped Death's clutches in exchange for his life sounds like quite a fun story. Does anything like that exist already?

Not really. Snakes are pretty cool with everything so long as you're not actively hurting them and they're fed. They're constrictors so she'd have to weigh like 500 pounds and stand on one foot to actively hurt it. They also probably love her warmth as that shit is like cocaine to them. Beyond that if they're comfortable with her they won't constrict just like your cat won't bite or scratch.

Thats what they were. Just lost bits they couldn't reattach but no blood or rot.

>the game of life
and that's how I origin story

Simple, immortality

lightning. can't go wrong with lightning.

And I'll file that under "third party shit that is permanently banned and if anyone requests it they are immediately removed from my group of players"

I'd go for twister, personally.

>Not raging at the dying of the light

>1st level
>"totally-balanced"
>ignore age limit
>regenerate to full health if killed
>free perfect transplanar teleportation

That's epic level stuff and you're full of shit.

Death eventually becomes proficient at it.

I will go kicking and screaming with internally quiet dignity.

I remember that one quest that used d100, where due to one of gods our village and anyone except us was killed and we met God of death. Convincing him and all, talking to him, all that shit required us to roll 99 or below to succeed so okay. The QM included option to attack him, DC 100 to succeed in killing him.

First vote was to kill him, along with first roll...

The guy rolled a 100.

The QM needed some time to readjust his plans

Just play a lich like me

Dude!! I fucking love the Demonata series!