Mages Guild: Snakes in a Guild Edition

Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! So, I'm sure everyone's managed to get settled back in after the taco incident, that's good. How am I? Thanks for asking Jerry, I'm doing fine, you know, sleeping well, trying to ignore the FUCKING SNAKES EVERYWHERE! That's right people, snakes! I'm not entirely sure how you didn't notice them earlier. Evidently, that fucking Druids Guild decided to take advantage of the long bathroom lines and well to make a long story short we've got a shitload of snakes. All over the guild. Apparently they are still upset about someone trying to burn down their forest while they were in the middle of a meeting. And while there is NO solid evidence that any of us did it they apparently have their suspicions and decided to act on them. Now, besides pointing fingers and arguing over who got us into this situation, though let's be honest, we all know who it must have been, we also have to decide what to do with all the snakes.

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I'm tired of these mothafuckin' sneks, in my mothafuckin' guild!

I see no problem with this situation. I'll take all the snakes you can give me.

Can I feed them to my oozes?
Feeding unwanted creatures to our already existing creatures sounds like the best plan.

I, for one, welcome our new snake overlords...

>Breaks down laughing

Okay, no, this is pretty damn funny. Those druids made some fairly terrible mistakes.

>slithers onto xanyl's shoulder
Sneks?

I don't see why not.

Not snakes like you, snakes without arms.

Put "Quest" in your threat title next time so I can filter and ignore you like a sensible person. Or just take this to /qst/ where it belongs.

Yes, snakes. I study them, but they're not quite like us.

Nobody can prove I didn't do it, and nobody can prove I did.

But if I did do it, I would have no regrets about this conclusion. At least one of the druids died in that forest fire, and that's well worth a couple of snakes. If I didn't do it then I would like to congratulate whoever did so.

triggered

Great.
Have any creatures that would eat snakes?
Hey, you don't mind if I feed a few to my oozes, right?

Cun they speek, Mester Xanyoo?
>yells to a snake
Hullo, snek!

Uhhhh... I guess I should be apologizing to those druids on behalf of my class...

They cannot.

What, you think undead eat snakes?

Though some zombie snakes would make a good class project...

No need, they had it coming, those bloody druids keep interrupting my rituals. Congratulations on making the world a better place.

Go to /qst/ Jesus christ

Blasted hippies! Why can they not stick to drum circles and fornicating with their beast-wives?

You realize how ridiculous AND expensive it is to make zombie snakes right? Just where the hell are you going to get the funding, because it sure as the nine Hells isn't coming out of my department!

Uhm, I believe you're thinking of the Barbarian tribes of Estgo-Movnga. Though I will admit their cultures are incredibly similar

Because their beast-wives are terribly reluctant to fornicate with them?

Hey, who's the necromancer here?

Hm, who are you again?
I don't think raising zombie snakes is that difficult.
Is it?

Awww...
>looks sad

You don't have to be a fucking Necromancer to see how much your department spends on reanimation ingredients!

I mean, C'MON! Your god damn department spent nearly a 1/3 of the weekly guild budget this past week alone!

One would hope that they could keep to themselves and not bother us all the time.
Shouldn't be that much more expensive than the rats we have the students practice on.

Would you like to play with Goops, Sylvie?
Well, they are one of the biggest departments.

I mean probably.

Don't worry, I'm sure one day you'll find talking snakes.

Hey, have you seen the number of necromancers we've got?

Nuh, they're ickee!
Willy?!

When you have a lot of materials to work with, it only natural that spendings on reagents go up. I would like to see you raise a dragon sized drake as a zombie without diamond dust.

It probably is that difficult or probably isn't?
Come on, Goops is great!
>Goops starts dancing the cha-cha

You probably don't even read the budget reports the beaurmancers create for us each week, do you...

>that glans in the background

And you do?

Just because you can raise a Drake back to semi life doesn't mean you should! Mostly because you guys just let it roam free and terrorize the nearest city!

Can we make snake golems?

Yep!

It really depends on the student.

Probably?

Jill, are you suggesting biomancers or fleshwarpers haven't already made snake golems?
Hm, guess so.

True... Okay then, Lets make take a snake a 2 as a familiar

It did what? That thing is supposed to guard the corpse storage!
Of course. But what do you intend to do with them?

Ew!
Uh'k- Ok!

I actually do. It's one of the reasons I come to these meetings. That, and to find out when the next "Murder Missile Tuesday" is. It's weird that it's not every Tuesday like the name implies...

What happened to your other familiar?
>Sighs and picks up Goops
Sorry Goops. Some people just can't see how great you are.
>Goops shrugs and spins before disappearing
That's only because the mages behind the murder missiles forget it's Tuesday's some weeks.

........Snakes that walk?

>Bleh fucked up that post

Yeah but I mean... ever since I started teaching here, it's never been on Tuesday... I've seen it happen on Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, Saturday. Hell I've even seen it happen on the mythological eighth day of the week that may or may not exist, "Prillisday"!

It used to be every Tuesday, but apparently there were complaints. And in defence on my budget, the department gets additional funds from Tenebrus from time to time, since we took the place from those vampires, I'm not sure if the bueromancers have started including that yet.
And that's the end goal then, making snakes that walk? No other reason for making them?

>It still begs the question of why Jill would suggest making snakes familiars
Snakes that walk? Aren't those lizards?
I've seen them actually do it on Tuesday once. It was during a blue moon.

Are you bloody kidding me!?! You get additional OUTSIDE FUNDING!?! This is god damn ridiculous! Meanwhile, my department has to submit a form two point four weeks in advance JUST to get new quills!

Isn't that supposedly when that eighth day of the week that may or may not exist supposed to maybe probably not supposed to happen?

No no, that day happens when the moon turns into cheese.

We had to get outside funding, there was no way the guild would approve the funds, or be able to provide the bodies, for our attempt at breaking the record for largest undead army assembled in the current age.

Besides, those vampires were idiots, dammed up all the rivers due to the whole running water myth. And yes, it's a myth, we've tested it.
It still does that? I thought someone had fixed that by now.

Yeah. But then it got blown up.
And a new moon was created.
And someone cursed the moon AGAIN.

Where the hell do you think the "Milkamancers" get all that cheese from?

Did we ever get confirmation we broke that record, actually?

Ok! I go naow!
>Springs away to try and talk to other sneks

God dammit, this is why the reason why the guild keeps getting attacked by adventurers! They come in, thinking this place is a god damn dungeons. Kill 4-5 apprentices, and then leave!

That would explain it.
You know, I never really thought of that.
We did, we almost doubled it too. Still didn't beat the all time record from back in the 3rd Age though. But that's to be expected, the one responsible for that army had half a continent to work with.
Which is why we keep moving the guild to make it difficult for the adventurers to find. Also, we have plenty of apprentices, if anything my department profits from this arrangement.

Yep. So how goes Tenebrus?

Tenebrus is doing as well as is possible for a land with a history of being both a cursed land, and with generations of incompetent rulers. With that to work with I'm satisfied with the fact that things are improving at all.

Yeah.

Hmm, wonder if we could find a continent to do that with...

Cool.
I'm more free than I expected to be nowadays.
Even though I am a Lord of Areis they seemed to have isolated themselves again and there's not much for me to do.

Unless you suggest invading Dyuang then there is no way we could get the numbers at this time. Also, there is no way we could do it without having every adventurer and paladin on the continent jump at the chance to stop us. I prefer to only be on the receiving end of a paladin crusade once in my lifetime thank you very much.
It's what they do, you shouldn't be too surprised. Since you are free, ever cleaned up a cursed swamp?

What a shame.

Fair enough...

Hm, nope. But I'm willing to try.
Eh, just gives me free time to do other things.
Like help other people.

Now, do you have any idea who's responsible for our oversized drake zombie terrorising the countryside instead of guarding the corpse storage?
Excellent, we could always use a couple of extra hands. Just keep in mind that when something is cursed in Tenebrus then it's usually not just stories.

Of course it does.

Uh, probably Angragath. Or Craig.

Students?

>SUDDENLY A BIG ASS SNEK BURSTS OUT OF THE GROUND AND EATS A MAGE
HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!

This right here, this is why we can't have evil things.
>grabs his staff
Darn bloody shame too, I would have loved to burn down more druid forests.

Of course. What's it cursed with?
Yep. So if you need any help with something, just ask.
Hm, that's a big snake.

I thought they were trustworthy!

>Stares

That's... not surprising.

Fucking Druids.

I'll make sure to.

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>HISSSSSSSSSSS
>HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
>FOR YOU
>IT ATTEMPTS TO EAT GLUG IN A WAY THAT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE ITS SCREAMING "GET IN MY BELLY"

It's all different things, depends on which one you want to start with. Now perhaps we should focus at the problem at hand; We have a giant mage eating snake in the meeting hall, what do we do about it?
They are students they... fine, fine, you know your students. Now what do we do about the snake?
...that's a very effective snake.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>Futily tries to dodge

WHO BROUGHT THE GIANT FUCKING SNAKE HERE!?!

The druids did, it's why we are having this meeting, do try to keep up. Do you have any suggestions how to deal with it? Or should I just throw my departments over funded army at it?

Rolled 13 (1d20)

I dunno, throw skeletons at it?

>Speaking of, a pair of skeletons tackle the snake and try to wrestle it to the ground

What ELSE DO YOU USE A GIANT ARMY OF UNDEAD FOR!?! SEX?

While effective at getting the job done it would be a terribly cost inefficient, and apparently my spending has been brought into question so I'm going to await further suggestions.
Of course not, what do you take me for. Even if I were so deviant as to have such desires I'm a happily married man.

I'll be right back with the army.

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>GET EATEN, NERD
>Thats right
HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!
>The Snake attempts to RKO the skellingtons

Well...

I see what you mean
>The skeletons bounce
>And roll
>Everywhere
>They fell apart
>Veilhex sighs

Rolled 5 (1d20)

>Glug creates a curved blade of crystallized sun ooze and tries to cut his way out like some sort of Sword and Sorcery character

Rolled 15 (1d20)

>clatter angrily and charges

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>Would harshly smack the snake on its head, attempting to intimidate it into calming down
HEY! Don't you hiss at me because your owners left you here without any food! You cough up the wizard you ate right now, or no treats later!

Rolled 6, 19, 1 = 26 (3d20)

>GET BTFO
>1ST ROLL, ATTEMPTS TO GUSH DISGUSTING STOMACH LIQUIDS ALL OVER GLUG TO STOP HIM
>2ND ROLL, ATTEMPTS TO TAILWHIP THE FUCKERS
>3RD ROLL, COUNTER INTIMIDATE

>Damn, so close

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>Fucking Druids
>Rolling to hate the snake into submission

>half of the squad gets smashed, the other half falls back and waits for more undead to arrive

>He'd harshly smack the snakes mouth in retaliation
BAD! Stop that! Cough up the wizard and go lay down!

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>FAILS SO HARD AT COUNTER INTIMIDATING THAT IT GETS SUPER INTIMIDATED
>YOU ARE NOW DROWNING IN STOMACH FLUIDS
>HUE
>THE SNEK DOES NOT COUGH OUT THE LIZARD, THOUGH IT IS SCARED
>INSTEAD IT ATTEMPTS TO AWAKEN THE SLITHERING HORDE

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>attempts to put down the slithering horde

Hey! What did I just say!? Cough him up or no treats!

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>Glug transforms inside of the snake and tries to tear his way out again, immune to acids and poisons now

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>Rolling to glare the snake into coughing up Glug

>He'd look over at the necromancer glaring at the giant. The look on his face more like that of a small child trying to scare the family dog

Wow... you do realize being a necromancer doesnt automatically make you scary right...?

Rolled 5, 10 = 15 (2d20)

>2 ROLLS
>1ST IS HISSING SMALLER SNEKS VS SKELLINGTONS
>2ND IS TO RESIST THE COMBINED 12 AND CONTINUE TO SPEW DISGUSTING FLUIDS ALL OVER GLUG, WHILE PREPARING TO DEFECATE

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>third squad moves in against the smaller sneks

>the horde is put down
>the snake hisses as stomach fluids spew all over the hall, and then its blood and guts spew out as well
>glug is free
>and you killed a giant snek
>you monster

...

Dammit, I thought that was pretty good.

>Stares at the spewed guts of the snake

Fucking druids.

>victorious, the undead army retreats back into the basement of the guild

>Tearing out of the snake doesn't seem to be the mage it swallowed
>The warrior wears a suit of smooth green armor with a black underlayer.
> The armor is composed of a chestplate, shoulder pads, gauntlets, boots, and a strange helmet resembling a krakens head with acid dripping from it.
. . .I'm in the mood for some more now.