Veeky Forums storytime

> Be me
> Look for a DnD game online with my friends.
> The party is full, but we have no DM, and none of us are willing to take the burden. I’m sure you can relate.
> Suddenly we find some crazy person who’s willing to DM for us, despite never talking to us before. Let’s call him the Roman. This is his story.
> Pretty much nobody else in the party is cruicial to the story, but there was a guy playing a psion, a guy playing a female cleric and a guy playing a sorcerer. I’ll call them all by their class names.
> Roman tells us that he has a couple of homebrewed settings for us and offers us a choice between them. As I’m reading, I start to suspect something.
> The first choice is basically medieval Europe, except with a little bit magic. There are elves and dwarves, and also drow - which have innate spellcasting, special magic plate armor that allows them to spellcast and other ridiculous shit, but the intended race for the players is a human one, which is just like in default DnD - except it has subraces that add even more shit to it. For example, celts get an additional feat on top of regular human one, while jews get… -2 to charisma and “reputation”, whatever that means. Classes are also restriced by nations, so no paladins for the jews. Oy vey.
> The second one is set in Russia, it’s about how pagan and non-orthodox cults mutate people into beatmen, and only righteous russian true believers can stop this threat in the name of God.
> The third one is set in a post-apocalyptic world, and there’s nothing really special about it except that, apparently, technology exists in it, but you need special skill like UMD to use it. Since it’s our only choice that is not /pol/ approved, the party picks this one.

Cont?

Get to the good bits

I'm listening

> Since this is an online game, we need some sort of place to actually play at - luckily, the Roman already has an idea. Our OOC communications - and some of the IC communications - will be done in skype voicechat, while maps, charsheets and dicerolling will be made in something called Fantasy Grounds 2.
> Sorc suddenly starts protesting - apparently, he’s familiar with FG2 and says that it’s expensive shit nobody is gonna waste their money on, but the Roman calms him - an old version of FG2 is on pirate bay, and it’s mostly bug free.
> Turns out, this motherfucker lied, because setting up character sheets took an entire day for us. First of all, this shit program kept crashing, deleting our data, having huge issues with cyrillic alphabet and otherwise being a huge nuisance. Secondly, the Roman insisted that he’ll go through the character generation process with each of us, one at a time.
> Time to pick the character for myself, and I decide that I want a female unarmed swordsage. I ask the Roman if I can switch my weaboo fightan magic a little bit and get lightning element for my Desert Wind discipline instead of fire.
> Oddly enough, he agrees, but quickly gets overexcited with homebrewing. My powers now come from this mystical lost technology that is implanted into my flesh, and every time I get a new manuever level, I must spend level*1000 gp to change my implants. On the plus side, I get +1 lightning damage to all my unarmed attacks, so this should even out, right?
> When I timidly ask the Roman if he’s not going a little bit overboard with homebrew, he brushes it off. After all, swordsages and psions are homebrew already - he’s just making some fixes.
> Wait, what?
> Apparently, he doesn’t know or believe that books other than PBH, DMG and MM exist. And he doesn’t believe us when we say that Tome of Battle is official.
> It was this very moment when we've realized that it’s gonna be a very short and very special campaign.

Patiently awaiting the story of Roman, The Semi-Racist DM

> After the Roman analyzes our backstories and decides that he has no issues with them - which was expected, since he never gave us any information about the setting other than vague post-apocalypse, the game finally begins.
> And we begin separately, apparently, which is actually kind of nice. I’m sick of “you all begin in the inn” cliche. Each of us writes his first post…
> ...and all of us are kidnapped by sleep dart shooting robots right after our first posts. no saving throws allowed. Okay, then.
> Our cleric kinda throws a fuss, because he wrote this big post continuing his backstory, but the Roman ensures that everything was always supposed to be that way
> After our characters wake up, they find themselves on some kind of undergroud arena, in the gladiator cells. The walls are made of some strange black glass, which we immediately try to break.
> We don’t even leave a scratch, even when using the Mountain Hammer that’s supposed to ignore hardness and DR. Guess we’re not supposed to get out yet.
> Robots are putting a show for empty seats and forcing us to fight for nobody’s amusement. Initially it’s a set of 1-on-1 fights, until we take part in a teamfight against a gorilla and some other animals.
> The fights themselves are something else, because Fantasy Grounds apparently don’t actually have any map building whatsoever. so the Roman just kinda drew the grid and moved tokens. Those animated 3D dice do look good, however, not gonna argue about that.
> After a few hours of fights, we win, robots give us magic items and let us go. That was easy
> Hey, maybe this campaign won’t be so horrible after all. Not great, but not horrible either.
> What I didn’t know, however, is that the worst is yet to come.

>not picking the first option
>not rolling Charlton Hestonburg, the Jew Cleric
>not having wacky adventures parting seas, corrupting goy, and laying an Abrahamic smack down on anything Egyptian

> Some time passes without sessions, because some of our players just couldn’t make it. Me, on the other hand, I’m a NEET with nothing better to do. So I get the most interaction with the Roman while others are absent.
> He turns out to have some pretty interesting ideas. For example, he ensures me that in DnD every class is perfectly balanced and can beat any other class.
> This whole shit happened quite a while ago, before I became a devout /pol/ack and a complete social outcast, but even then I knew enough about 3.5 to disagree. I bring up the tier lists and some of the completely broken shit casters get in the splats, but Roman brushes it off - splats aren’t official after all, and he’s sure fighters get broken shit too even if they were.
> Finally, I decide to flaunt my obvious superiority in system mastery and challenge him to an arena combat - fighter versus druid on various levels. Starting with those, when I get a wildshape, of course. Core only, so no “unofficial” splat material.
> The Roman begins laughing maniacally and gets to building, while I get to my build.
> ...and he completely kicks my ass in the first round, because his fighter got the best feat of them all - leadership, which allowed him to get help from a cleric. Said cleric save-or-sucked me in the second round.
> I point out that in order to defeat a caster he needed help from another caster, and this is where he disagrees - since the fighter was his primary character, it all works out.
> Luckily, I beat him in the next few rounds, because I was right all along and druids are fucking OP. His horseback fighter could do nothing against natural spell and a flying wildshape.
> And the Roman did not like it. He did not like it at all. At this point, proving me wrong about everything became his personal quest. From minor game rules to politics, nothing I could be unchallenged about.

Why the fuck do you stay in a game where "that guy" is the GM?

Just play GM-less games like Mythic, Fiasco or whatever

> The game resumes, and if you remember it, we barely got out of some kind of underground robot arena, only to step into the poisoned wasteland.
> We meet some monsters, which we promptly slaughter - during the battle, the sorcerer casts a stone fist spell and engages into melee.
> After the battle is over, we decide that we need to find some kind of town as quickly as posible and rest. Luckily, our cleric has the travel domain, so she casts locate object fo find the nearest building.
> Some walking ensues, during which me and the cleric roleplay - for some reason, the Roman immediately insinuates that they are hereby in a lesbian relationship. That was weird.
> But it’s okay, because we’ve finally found a town! The best kind of town - the ghost town. Everyone inside is dead, so we decide to pull a Ferguson and loot everything. The party splits - the cleric and the sorcerer loot the inn for food, while me and the psion decide to visit a town hall. At this point, sorcerer’s player has to leave and do some RL stuff, so the Roman takes over playing his character.
> Lo and behold, we find a box! Or a safe with a code combination, more accurately, which I immediately try to open. Cross-class skills are good.
> The Roman immediately objects - there is no way my character can know how safes work, so trying to hear the mechanism doing noises won’t work.
> I respond by rolling knowledge - and actually rolling pretty well, but the Roman shrugs - it merely means that I know that safes in this world do not make any noises at all.
> While I try to search the place for possible code combinations, the Psion is trying to use brute force - but the Roman always answers that either his method won’t be good enough, or it will likely destroy the contents.
> I do not find any hints for code combinations, but I do find a wooden chest.

>it merely means that I know that safes in this world do not make any noises at all.
This is the Dark Souls of threads, every post is worse than the previous one

>Charlton Hestonburg the Jew Cleric
Aaaand I have my next character lined up. Thanks user

3 was better than 2

I mean the facts that happened

The cringe increases

And i need more NOW

fake story, shit story

> Since I broke my lockpicks trying to open the safe, I decide to simply break the chest open with my fists.
> ...which just results in the Roman declaring that it doesn’t work.
> At this point, due to being an unarmed swordsage and shadowblade shenanigans, my fists deal some serious damage for my level, so I feel like I’m justified asking why I can’t roll to break a piece of wood.
> “Well, logically, wood is hard, and you’re just a human woman. Can a woman break a chest in real life?”
> I repeatedly point out that he himself made my character a cyborg ninja in a medieval setting, so maybe he knows the answer himself.
> He graciously allows me to roll for damage - but I also damage myself, because wood is hard, and my fists hurt.
> Out of frustration I completely forget that I have Mountain Hammer that will bypass this problem.
> To add insult to injury, I repeatedly fail at trying to break this fucking chest open and instead only hurt myself. I sigh and walk away from the chest, deciding that it’s not worth the effort…
> ...when a saviour suddenly comes. The sorcerer - still controlled by the Roman, not his player - shows up out of nowhere.
> “Step away, woman!” - he laughs, raising his fist of stone - curiously still persistent, despite combat in which it was cast being over forever ago - and effortlessly breaking the chest with no roll at all.
> I let out a little scream in response, but the Roman shrugs it off - stone is much harder than wood, it’s only logical that it would be easy to do it with a stone hand.
> “Well, sorcerer.” - I say sarcastically. - “There’s also a safe in the wall, so maybe you’ll open it for me too?”
> The sorcerer walks up to the safe and, I quote, “methodically, using his fist as a jackhammer, he breaks the wall piece by piece”. The safe falls on the ground.
> Fuck.

Keep going. I have popcorn.

> “Well…” - the psion concludes. - “That was easy. Now we can take it with us - we can unlock it later, if we figure out how. Whatever is inside, it must be valuable.”
> Everyone agrees - even if there’s nothing valuable inside, at least we can sell the safe itself, am I right?
> The Roman smirks audibly and declares that the safe is so heavy, whoever carries it will be likely heavily encumbered and therefore vulnerable to attacks.
> Oh yeah, we use encumbrance rules in this campaign, because of course we do.
> We count, and it turns out that none of us can carry this shit without becoming about as mobile as a drunk on the new year’s eve. There’s a pause.
> “Hey, maybe we can leave it here?”
> “Yeah, let’s leave it here.”
> “You know, I agree.”
> But the Roman doesn’t agree, as he suddenly sounds panicked. “It could be very valuable and important.” - he says.
> “Well, it’s clearly not worth dying for, so fuck this shit.”
> “No, you don’t understand, your characters WOULDN’T leave this safe here.” - the Roman asserts firmly.
> “They totally would.”
> Luckily, sorcerer’s eternal stone arm also appears to give him undocumented in the rules super strenth, because he effortlessly takes the safe and says that if we don’t want it, he’ll take it and take the contents for himself.
> Yeah, dude, whatever.
> At this point, I’m audibly frustrated for reasons I’m sure I don’t need to explain. So me and the cleric decide to take a walk for a minute, while the psion does psion stuff wih his crystal.
> In the hindsight, taking a walk in potentially dangerous, unscouted terrirory was the best decision I could have made.

This sounds fun, to be honest. I like the Roman.

> It takes the Roman ten seconds to crack another strange lesbian joke, and it takes us a minute to encounter an aberration, some kind of homebrewed monstrosity with three arms and spikes and ugly teeth.
> And horible voice too, since the Roman is doing his best to voice act. At this point I’ve ran out of fucks to give, so I burst out laughing.
> After screeching - or belching, it’s quite difficult to describe - some threats, the aberration attacks, while me and the cleric defend ourselves.
> Thanks to 20% evasion swordsage manuever and my high AC, I manage to tank this shitter pretty well, while the cleric spanks. This creature has three attacks per round at our low level - one of them grapple one - and we also throw some saving throws. We never fail any, so I don’t know what would have happened otherwise.
> After we finally kill the bitch, it immediately explodes, raining us with it’s spikes. I don’t remember how much damage it dealt - 8d6 or 8d8, but it was some ridiculous shit that we could not possibly survive. The cleric is thrown sideways by the shockwave, while mine is nailed to the nearest tree. We both fall into zeroes, bleeding out, while the Roman smugly says that my optimization and tiers don’t matter in the actual game. “You’ve lost.”
> At this moment I snap. At the moment I’ve thought that I spoken calmly, but others told me that they never heard me sound so hysterically. I list every single thing that I hated about the Roman and his game, from this unfair encounter that was specifically designed to kill me to the fucking jews. When I finish, the Roman starts mumbling something about how it’s not over yet.
> Apparently, when we fell, the healing potions in our backpacks broke, and the liquid started healing our wounds…
> No. No, I don’t fucking care. I don’t give a shit. I quit.
> I’ll tell you more, Roman - I can take the players and DM them myself. I won’t do a good job, but I’ll do a better job than you.

...good end?

> So... I did.
> The players followed me, except the sorcerer, who didn't even quite understand what the fuck happened in this one session he left early.
> We've played a game of our own, but that's not what's important. What is important, it wasn't my last encounter with the Roman.
> He wrote me - repeatedly, until I've deleted him from my contact list, so he made friends with my WoW guild to get into a chat with me.
> His only real purpose for doing it was trying to make me admit that I was wrong - about the encounter, about the rules, about his DMing, about jews, everything.
> Well, fuck you, the Roman, I wasn't.
> Later, I've met another players of his - from a later campaign. Apparently, theirs ended in a TPK, but than an angel came down from the skies to resurrect them all. They've quit at this point.
> I admit, though, that he was the most... Unique DM I've ever had.

Okay, it's over. Sorry if it was anti-climactic. Come to think about it, I've forgot some events and this session I was talking about was probably two or three sessions that I've mentally condensed into one.

Why call him the Roman? The whole arena thing?

Maybe his name was Ramon.

Everybody needs to vent sometime, user. If it were me, I would have bought a plane ticket to whatever just for the pleasure of punching him right in his stupid face.

Roman detected.

That isn't a terrible ending. I have found that if there is a game that you really want to play, you have to run it yourself.

I can only imagine this moment happening as the characters arguing this with the narrator in a story.

"You know, I don't feel like I'm dying to know what's in this, let's just leave it."
[Variety of "Yep"s]
>"But you guys WOULDN'T leave the safe!"
"Uh, yeah, we would, we, in fact, just did."
>"But of course you'd take it!"
"No, you dense nigga, we ain't taking it."
"You know what you tossers? I'm just gonna bing bong my way and Bob's your uncle I'm taking this safe, ya wankers."

Kinda like Bard's tale?

I feel like there's more to the story. OP is way too smart and righteous in his (her?) retelling for it to he an accurate depiction of events. "And then I totally wasted him on the arena".

>Are you arguing with the narrator?

Shouldn't you be bowling with Nico?

So, why was he called the Roman afrer all? Will OP deliver?

Join my Class kahoot

>> Be me
nigger

>>>/reddit/