Just for funsies, stories about That Guy/That GM, or anything else that goes horribly wrong. I'll start
>Join pathfinder game with some people I often played with in organized play >Doing a pre-written adventure path about becoming weeaboo royalty or some shit >Playing as a Mesmerist/Druid multiclassed snake person >Backstory, my character was given to a cult as a child as a sacrifice >Cult headed by The Red Biship, a crimson red seagull that has intense psychic powers and shit, basically a demigod of mental fuckery and live sacrifice. Masquerades as a fey. >Cult instead raised me to be one of the members, and due to fucked upbringing and compulsion spells I massacred an entire small village >Ended up breaking free from the cult after that >Still have neutral evil as my alignment for purposes of detection because of all the acts I commited, but striving to become lawful good >First thing first: Will saves >Got a +10 at level 2 >That shit ain't happening again >Meet the the party in a city >It is important that you know none of us planned this, complete coincidence >One of them is a red crow-man. He's a paladin. >Before I can even be triggered by that, another is a aspiring cultist. Alchemist who "harvests" ingredients from live animals >Our neutral good cleric is an Aasimar, brother of one of the cultists I was stationed with >There's a kitsune ninja. Putting that cringe away, my character is still terrified of fey, which Kitsune are percieved to be >Then there's Wizardbro. He's a wayang, which is basically a shadow-plane goblin. Both the character and the player are really chill >So upon being freed from a cult of a red demon-fairy bird, I met a red bird, a cultist, a cultist-associate, and a fairy >My character is non-ironically having a panick attack from all this triggering >GM is loving it >Goblins attack the town using fireworks >A bunch of NPCs come up and start fighting with us. They're all like 5th level so they're really outperforming us to show off.
Ayden Evans
>Battle ends >We decide to go fight the goblins at their lair in the swamp. >We get to the lair but there's skeletons and shit everywhere >Samurai from a couple hundred years ago. >Goblins barely fended them off, only non-combatants left >Alchemist throws a firebomb at them >Alchemist is trying to cut off the ears of live goblins, because, quote >"There's a bounty on goblin ears. It'd be immoral if we killed them, so we can just tear off their ears." >Paladin desperately tries to convince him not to >Cleric is sweating on his neutral-good hankerchief. Says "We can just bring them in as prisoners; we'll bringing the ears with them so we'll get the bounty anyways!" >Meanwhile I'm sitting here watching a self-confessed cultist trying to massacre a town of non-combatants >Hate myself for commiting to roleplay so much >Have my character fall to the ground, crying like a baby and clinging to his cold iron mace >Ninja spends the entire combat doing nothing but trying to loot bodies >Finally convince the Alchemist to stop mutilating surrendering children and women >Go to fight the skeletons >They're in a cave >There's chinese coins fucking everywhere >Skeletons on the ground, fully formed but not conscious >There's an alter to the Red Bishop >Obvious trap, cleric goes in to sanctify the area-- >Alchemist runs to the top of the pile of gold >Pours blood on a scarf >Sets it on fire >Speaks in abyssal which no one else understands >Skeletons start rising >Ninja desperately grabs a few coins and then leaves us
Juan Ross
>Badass skeleton rises >GM talks about how dust falls off of his armor as he slowly stands up, red glowing eyes, slowly pulling out his katana >The entire time I'm saying out loud "1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6." >Eventually he gets mad and asks me why I'm interrupting it >At this point I've repeated that 5 times >Tell him "This entire time, my character has been performing full withdrawl actions. I am now 120 feet away." >Cleric and Paladin run in to save the alchemist because they're lawful stupid >I have to go home anyways >Come back next session to hear the alchemist didn't even try and fight the skeletons because he's a fucking retard
>It is time. >We're traveling to a small town that was massacred a few decades ago >Castle containing all the big bad cultists >GM refuses to tell me anything about what it's like because "Your character has repressed memories" >Psychic casters can open repressed memories, but you have to beat your own will save >My +10 comes to bite me in the ass. >I have to roll a nat 20 to unlock the memories >Can only try once per day >Takes 15 days to get there, never roll the 20. Party decides to go in anyways >Go into castle >There's a fucking c'thuhloid monster in there >Constant aura of darkness >Spell resistance 17 >Average 25 damage on a full attack with like 6 tentacles >can cast scorching ray at will >Has flight >has reach >We're fucking level 3. >Wizard rolls knowledge check >Asks for weaknesses >"none" >FUCK >Wizardbro constantly failing SR and cursing a storm >Finally gets a spell off, 10 fire damage >"it doesn't have any effect" >Wizardbro gets madder but keeps his cool >Aasimar cleric luckily casts light to get rid of darkness >Alchemist doing nothing, just hiding behind a rock >Ninja and Paladin can't reach it >Everyone pissed off that we can't beat it >GM just has a smug grin, wants us to run away because it's too badass
William Thomas
>Little did this fucker know, I was onto him >My character is built for battling Great Old ones >And I have cheap shit up my sleeve for when he pulls cheap shit >This entire time I've been creating poison from my snake-man venom >1d2 strength damage per turn for 6 turns >Distilled it so much that the DC to save is 36 >"it's immune to poison" >Fuck you. >After shooting it at him, send constrictor animal companion up to grapple it >Roll a 23 to grapple >"it's too low, doesn't meet his CMD" >Fuck. You. >Instigate psychic duel >It tries to resist >Pass spell resistance by rolling a nat 20 >Tries to beat my DC, rolls a 3 on the die, fails >Beating the shit out of C'thuhlu on the psychic plane because it didn't come with anti-psychic abilities and my character is minmaxed as fuck for this >Team heals during this time, gets in position to fuck it up >Psychic duel ends >everyone attacks it at once >Deal like 78 damage >GM says it's still alive and it begins to flee >Gets out of sight >Later we see it >Paladin grabs Wizardbro >Throws him as hard as he can at C'thuhlu >Wizard finishes it with a magic missile >Later on get mad enough to get the adventure path book and look at what the monster's stats were >He lied about it's stats to make the fight more difficult >THe monster was orginally not even supposed to fight you much because it was having a mental breakdown >The monster also can't run away during this time, must pray to evil god, meaning the GM was so butthurt about us beating it that he broke that rule too >He also had a weakness against fear effects, which GM also lied about >It's CMD was exactly 23 so my snake should have grappled it. Also worth noting, it had a +28 to climb. It can fucking fly. >Rest and go to next fight >It's another fucking boss immediately >This time it has almost all the same qualities, except it's a Oni, and it has dimension door at will, so we can't kill him because he can always run away.
As a wooden carving once said: "help me."
Dylan Ortiz
>"This entire time, my character has been performing full withdrawl actions. I am now 120 feet away."
Nicholas Young
>get invited to 5e campaign >DM crafts entire setting including a world map, gods, cities, languages and nobility >we all get golden tickets to visit the local king's castle >stonewalls our every attempt to enter the castle >decide to follow our only lead, that the prince has been kidnapped by goblins >head north where he was last spotted >fall into a pitfall >track the footprints to a bugbear encampment >kill the bugbears, take one as prisoner >eventually find a ruined keep, all signs point to goblin raid >set up watch for the night >we're ambushed >it's the king's knights >they think we took over the keep and kidnapped an innocent bugbear >us four >even though the knights know the goblins kidnapped the prince in this very area >logic
Anyway we got put on trial and settled for paying a wrongful death case for the three bugbears. It would have been funny if the campaign lasted longer than the first session.
Angel Harris
I was once invited into a first-time GM's magical realm in which a player character could deal 60 CON damage per full round attack, fly and reflect all damage onto attackers as racial traits. What I didn't expect was the explicit yiff and godmodding DMPCs.
There's no real history between the GM and me, a friend of a friend, and that's stretching it. Our mutual friend (henceforth Kevin) only really knows him because they're both Australians, and apparently in a Facebook group together. The upcoming GM was openly a furry, and apparently loaded at that, since he commissions a lot of porn of his OC. One day, he decides to suddenly invite Kevin if he'd like to play Pathfinder in a custom setting. Kevin was busy with uni at the time, so he couldn't make the sessions, but knew the campaign would be a trainwreck, so he recommended me to play in his stead. Kevin passed me a copy of the setting notes, and that's when I realized what I was in for.
To be continued, this is a longer one.
John Brooks
My first instinct was to check the races, and it became obvious this was a fanfiction turned into roleplay. I won't specify what fandom the GM was plagiarizing in his setting, but my silence should tell you everything. I should have backed out then, but my masochism was already tickled, so I started browsing the races for a good caster base.
At first I thought the document was poorly formatted, because the first race's traits seemed to go on forever. I figured it was probably a list of alternate racial traits for the human anologue, but then I took a closer look and saw levels attached to each line. Every race got a laundry list of features that by all accounts should be class features, pic related.
The game was allegedly based on Pathfinder, but clearly the GM had never heard of race points, or balance in general. For reference, this "gain natural armor equal to your level +1" race was underpowered by the other races' standards.
Carter Wright
This next race isn't so much overpowered as it is a testament to the GM's unfamiliarity with Pathfinder's grammar, or English for that matter. That is, until you look at what it gets at level 19. Basically, it's Wish as a cantrip with no material cost. Yes, you can create spells an unlimited times daily. No, the GM never elaborated on that.
Worth mentioning is that the GM placed restrictions on what races could play which classes, because he refused to allow anything to deviate from his narrow canon and had no imagination. It isn't mentioned here, but this is the only race that can cast arcane spells. I'll get to how the classes got gutted later, but for now keep that in mind: this is the only kind of wizard or sorcerer you can play.
