Help me out translating

Hi folks, i just need your quick help. I'm trying to translate a roleplaying game module into english and wan't to check if some phrases sound about right or if they are somehow off somehow.

"If they don’t succeed in a difficult willpower check, they are engrossed into the third order half-demons’s realm of dreams."

"When you open your eyes, fog is billowing around your beds. Where there have been walls when you fell asleep, now trees, heavily burdened with vines, wind themselves into a bloodred sky."

For the first sentence, 'engrossed' isn't quite right.
Maybe 'dragged' or 'pulled'?

Second sounds fine to me.

thanks for the response.
i think dragged fits quite well. it sounds like something a demonic being does. pulled is a bit neutral isnt it? there will be one or three more phrases soon.

"It is cool and grey streaks twich and quiver at the edge of your perception."
cool?frigid? slightly cold?
for me as not native speaker "cool" is to much weighted on the side of "cool story bro" and less temperature.

>Where there have been walls
Where there had been walls

>cool?frigid? slightly cold?

as a rule "cool" describes pleasant low temperatures (a cool breeze on a hot day), "cold" describes unpleasant low temperatures (the water was too cold for bathing).

thanks that helps.
the original is more like "not very cold but cold enough that you feel it" so i guess quite cold? a bit cold? slightly cold?

"It is noticeably cold, and grey streaks twitch..."
Perhaps?

thanks again, sounds good.
"It is the white stalker and he wants his enchanted/magical gems back! " sounds a bit dull (it being a voice behind them) what about
"It is none but the white stalker and he wants his enchanted/magical gems back!"

The word you're looking for is brisk.

I would try "It is none other than the white stalker".

That's not even a temperature word.

For me at least, this one is more about the word 'wants'. 'Claims', maybe? Can I ask what language the original is in?
I dunno, brisk associates with refreshing and somewhat pleasant to me.

"The definition of brisk is chilly weather or something energetic, lively and fast-paced. An example of something that would be described as brisk is a chilly fall day." i dont think that paints the right picture.
sounds good. "Its none other than the White Stalker and he claims his magical/enchanted gems! " like that? original is german.

"It is none other than the White Stalker, ready to reclaim his magical/enchanted gems! "
Maybe? Not too sure about this one.

i fear its too far of the original which simply his "and he wants his magical gems back"

but i really like it, i am tempted to use it

Then use it.

It communicates the same message, just sounds a bit better imo.
But yeah, whichever you prefer.

yeah i came to the same conclusion. a good translation is not word by word.

i need another word very similar to immunity. a creature has immunity to one thing and something that basically means "not being harmed by" another thing. i am tempted to just add an "and" to the first immunity though. but i guess it has to be two different things. Inviolacy?

Invulnerability to.
Protection from.
Is exempt from.
Cannot be targeted by.
Ignores.
Shrugs off.

You could just say 'cannot be harmed by'
Maybe you could use "total/complete resistance to"?

Invulnerability to
thats it. why havent i thought about that. great, thanks

"It is (adjective)" sounds awkward pretty much regardless of the particular adjective.

Yeah, you're better off with "It is [adverb] [adjective]".
Sounds less awkward

i went with" It is noticeably cold"

Last one:
"As soon as the White Stalker is beaten, which can only be done if one or more of the heroes was
smart enough to have his weapon sanctified by one of the gods, in beforehand, the dream ends
immediately.
"

"As soon as the white stalker is beaten, the dream ends immediately. This can only be done if the weapon used to defeat it was sanctified by a god."

thanks
way less clunky

Ok you have been a great help. I was a bit rusty and needed some advice. lets hope that everything works well and soon i might even share the module with you all. bye

Ayo "might"? Give the guys that helped you something back m8.