Mages Guild: Employee of the Month Edition

Pretty much.

>Takes another sip

What is the shitty prizes he was referring to in the first place?

Makes sense, I guess.

Because you're you.

A personal portal, I believe.

Thank you all for your vote as Employ of the month

Uhh yeah? Have you read my name tag? Best witch.

>Points his thumb at Lazarus.
But his sail seems to be blowing in Mort's direction, and I'm probably going to be following.

>smirk
He knows one of the best you know. Not that it would help him right now though.
The rights to the portal space that's both right by the cafeteria and right by the front door. And yes, it shouldn't work, but it does. Antruthius made it one day when he had been sober for a week.
You've earned it. Many times over.

Clearly with sorcery being the superior school it should be a sorcerer who is employee of the month. Enscorreled enemies are up 6% this quarter.

So they only lead to the front door and the cafeteria?

Bewitchments are up 5%though!

Thank you Lazarus. But is there anyone else who should be nominated?

But are you an employee?

I dunno why.

But sorcery isn't superior, and it was down 12% last quarter.

Your kidding, right?

No, any portal you place on the spot splits into being present in both locations. So depending on what direction you enter the other end of the portal, you'll end up in either the cafeteria, or the front door.
Undead are up by 16% since this time last year, mostly thanks to the war in Tenebrus.
I suppose I could nominate Veilhex for teacher of the month, but I think the students are in charge of that category.
I'm pretty sure Jill does indeed teach students, which would make her an employee.
Are you or are you not paid for teaching your students?

>jill flashes a check
>SHE MAKES HOW MUCH NOW?

HELLO MORTALS AND DEMI-MORTALS, I HAVE RETURNED ONCE AGAIN TO REPAIR YOUR SCRYING SPHERES...

Actually, I'm just here to vote for Employee of the month. Is anyone here worthy of MY VOTE?

>At moments where his voice switches from quiet to LOUD, he is fiddling with a crystal ball containing four multicolored glass panels. It does not seem to be working all the time.

Now wait just a moment! Mortimer here, while truly a dutiful servant, has been the employee of the month for twelve years straight. To top it off, he's a human! The Reformed are here to shrug this rampant xenophobia away from this guild! So I nominate myself, noble and humble paragon of race diversity that I am, as employee of the month!

You aren't even the best witch.

I suppose.

You'd really nominate me as teacher of the month?

Mortimer is.

I thought he was a giant? Besides, skeletons aren't even eligible.

Sir, I am a Giant. Perhaps you should get your eyes checked

I'm not surprised he's held on to that title for a while. He definitely is the most dedicated to his job. Really, isn't the point to figure out who does the best job, not who's the right race to make everything work out nicely?

Best witch, only witch in the meeting, same differance.

Look, unless you can brew a better pot of coffee than him, your chances are pretty shitty.

Mortimer is REALLY good at coffee.
>siiip

Then you're an employee, congratulations on being eligible running for second place.
Actually, Mortimer is a giant. But other than that you're correct.
You're the best I got at my disposal at least.

Huh. I guess that could be useful during rush hour.

You know what, youve got my vote big guy.

Diana how could you!

For one, I am no mere skeleton. I am a skeleton in a meat suit. For another, Mortimer I apologize for my misjudgement of your race, but as you yourself said, you are a giant. How is a giant eligible, as is a demon, but not a high ranking skeleton?

I nominate, MYSELF!

Ok, you can all stop laughing now, I wasn't serious.
Could I have some coffee please?

Hmmm, Mortimer. You seem to embody the role of EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH very well. Your title even includes 'dutiful' in it! How MARVELOUS!

I am unsure about whether or not you will win, but you have my vote...and this!

>Rykek hands Mortimer a glowing stick with a glass orb at the end.

One of my lessers put a lightning elemental in a glass ball and now I make it interact with the few orbs in this building! You can project images of quite anything with it from the palm of your hand!

I will say, however, I'd like to RUN FOR EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH as well, for maintaining, installing and reinstalling all of the scrying stones in here.

Now that's a bit less of a compliment.

Not really.

Because you're undead.

I'm sorry, I must be mishearing you, are you saying that you are UNQUALIFIED AND INELEGIBLE FOR THIS COMPETITION? Because I don't see anyone stopping you from nominating yourself.

Here you go Quin
Interesting. Thank you Rykek

The only way either of you are going to win this is if we make a new title called "Magical Employee of the Month". As Mortimer does not practice magic he would not be eligible for such a title, giving everyone else a chance to win one of these things for once.

Hey, I'm just saying. He's also the least likely to misuse or abuse the personal portal, which at least in my mind is a heavy factor.

Thank you Mortimer.
Oh hey, then I'm eligible. All in favour of choosing a Magical Employee of the Month" please raise your hand, paw, or otherwise equivalent appendage!

Take it as you will, but you're the best I have, so you would have my nomination.

I nominate the Janitors. All of them.
They had to clean up what happened...last night. In that place. That we swore not to talk about.

YOU'RE A DOPPLEGANGER

Thank you, then.

I doubt that's how it works.

Oh? What aren't we talking about, again?

This can't end well.

>Takes a few steps back

NO YOU'RE A DOPPLEGANGER!

Easy enough to tell who the real one is.
>A wall of fire sent toward them both

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>Looks down at watch

Ah shit, gotta go.

>Takes a big swig of coffee

FUCK THAT'S HOT!

>Rolling to teleport

Disappears in a puff of fire and smoke.

YOU ARE BOTH DOPPELGANGERS!

JUST HOW MANY OF YOU ARE HERE

Well I for one think that whoever it is they ought to probably be me.

Alright. This is new.

Alright. This is new.

EVERYONE IS JOHN NOW

Sup?

This is going to end up just like the clonomancy incident, isn't it?

I know, right?

No, we aren't.

Why don't we all just take a quick trip to the Astral Plane of Employees of the Month, surely a worthy candidate will be there?

I didn't even think that this joke could turn out that well, hue hue hue

...Oh dear.

I think that's going to be it for me today.

Well... I got to say, it's been a while since this last happened.
But I thought the rituals needed to visit it were lost during the fourth age? Have you found it again?

Simple. Read their NAME TAGS, OF WHICH WE ARE ALL WEARING.

This man specializes in Diabolic conjuration, and I am a diablo. As is my cousin, who this man had conjured years ago. I can verify that his ritual to visit the Employee of the Month Plane will work with SOME DEGREE OF SUCCESS!

Have some imagination my friend, we're a gathering of the most intelligent and powerful sorcerers this side of the primal sphere, surely if we put our heads together we could find a new way there.

I don't think a plane like that exists.
You sir or madam has earned my respect.
Later Diana!
Yeah, none of the doppelgangers got their right.

I was once a denizen of that Plane, I'm afraid. For about five minutes, I was the employee of the month for a rather nasty balor. I was then permanently replaced and whipped for my troubles. It all worked out eventually though, when I came an independant Scry-net administrator!

It's true I have devised a ritual to visit or maybe even create such a place if it didn't exist in the first place but the risk is great and the spell is exceedingly harrowing.

Well have you ever been there to say with certainty that it doesn't?

Really?
Very well then you have my interest, what do you need for this project?

I nominate Harzillia Thrumbolt

We will need several rods of yellow chalk, the tongue of a metallic kobold, a cauldron of celestial coffee, and an employee of the month to entice this realms guardians to us. Once they come to claim the employee we can slip through the portal they open and find our own employee of the month.

That must have been quite the experience.
Well, no. But that's not really saying much since I don't travel the planes very often.
Why? Thrumbolt is a hack and a klutz.

It's how demons work. It's hardly a surprise that happened.

Who?
The metallic kobold might be difficult to acquire, but the coffee and the employee of the month can both be provided by Mortimer. Our soon to be Employee of the Month.

Nah, just employee. *runs away with "of the month"*

He paid me. seriously, why are you fuckers just nominating who ever you feel like? use this opportunity to make some deals and shit.

Some valmanian warlock

You really should get out of the realm more, the mind is groomed by a good change of scenery and a wider world from which to draw conclusions from. Just yesterday I was visiting the Plane of Contemplation and I think it helped me work through a lot of things.

Indeed, such things are the usual trappings of a demonic lifestyle.

Yes, yes. Once we have declared Mortimer the employee of the month, we can use him to lure the guardians here and then travel to their native plane and find the employee of the month. We will bring Mortimer of course, he is the soon to be employee of the month.

Zounds! He's stolen the words -- --- -----! This sort of metaphysical thievery shall not be tolerated!

I don't know a lot about how demons work. I know how demons work even less than I know how Devils work.
Because I'm well paid and I like my coffee.

Maybe I should, my daughter seemed to have enjoyed seeing the closest major planes.

Do some research then, it's quite the interesting topic.

you can be paid in things other then money you know.

Like keks and giggles?

You'd love it, the Astral Plane of Farloshep is beautiful during this cosmic alignment, the Plane of Ecstacy just slightly inches toward it and suddenly everyone there is just glimmering all the time!

>sighs
Someone get a bibliomancer in here! We have some missing words in need of replacement.
So, no one of importance then?
Fascinating, ritual. What was the tongue supposed to be for?

favors, I.O.U.s, firstborns, what ever you want. now stop stabbing yourself in the back man!

Once ingested it will prevent the devourer from lying, we will use this to finding who truly deserves to be employee of the month.

I will give three pieces of yellow chalk to vote for me as employee of the month.

Thank you, but I think I'll pass.
I know.
Is it safe to visit? In case I bring my daughter.

Oh yes, I do hear the Plane of Elemental Fire is quite wonderful this time of year. Not once have I experienced bad weather in the summer in the City of Brass. Well, not until my late apprentice built that phlogiston siphon and plugged it into our pyromantic accelerator loop. That was a fascinating year. Druids on fire off the cliffs of Ohio.

I wouldn't let him hear you say that.

Harzillia promised me I could use his beach house for 3 weeks.

>Jerry pokes an unblinking souless eye

If we're talking about planes now... I enjoyed sightseeing in Iron City of Dis. But folks in there are quite grumpy.

The plane of ecstasy? You're thinking of taking your daughter to a place called the plane of ecstasy?

Interesting. I'll go and see if we have any in stasis.
I'm several thousand years old, I'm a department head, and the most powerful man in the entire Empire of Tenebrus. I'm going to say what I damn well please.

>heads out Because I'm in need of sleep.

YOU'RE FAAKE!

Mhmmmmm

It's as safe as hell, just don't wonder into the wrong eldritch cabals, and if any outsiders try to wash your windows tell them you've only got silver toes to pay them with.

I collected much druidic ash that year, those treehuggers fueled many horrid and foul rituals.

I see you are loyal to the incumbent pact but consider this Jerry, when the time comes to begin our unholy ritual and we extend out our metaphorical fingertips to the edges of the nine hells searching for the chalk we so desperately need who will have it? You, Jerry, and such heroism will not go unnoticed. Perhaps you may begin to toy with ambitions of Employee of the Month even?

The denizens of the Iron City are a gruff but fair people.

No, no the Plane of Farloshep is aligned with the Plane of Ecstasy, it aligns with the solar eclipse that occurs once every millennia in Farloshep. It's warlike people lay down their weapons and spend the next century consumed in festivities.

Oh shit

Oh, really?

Hmm.

Interesting.

Yeah, the Elemental Plane of Fire is one of the planes my daughter visited.
Of course not, I was considering the Astral Plane of Farloshep.
Thank you for the tip. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

Yes well you wouldn't want to go there any other millennia those people build houses out of shit and spend centuries mastering the art of burning their firstborn alive.

Don't mention, unless you want to in which case please laud me with your praise.

Look i'm no... what ever it is you are but how can i know this chalk is as valuble as you're tell me? sound like you just trying to run a scam.
not going to lie that actually creeps me out a bit