Hyperdimension Dwarf Fortress Quest 76

>[X] [DF HACK] got you into this mess, so by Armok it's going to get you OUT of this mess. Shut down her current job, alter its parameters, or outright change it... with ill-defined hacking.

Yes, this will (not) work.

>[x] [INTERRUPT] Neptune by deconstructing her furniture. That ought to break off her current job, hopefully without too many adverse and/or time-bendy side effects.
Sometimes the simple solutions are the best, even for a dwarf. And for good measure, turn Neptune's bookkeeper labor off through Dwarf Therapist.

Well, one reschedule and 20 minutes late. So yeah, practically early by Dorf Fort Quest standards.

[ ] [DIMENSION DOOR] Nope nope nope nope. You've got a bad feeling about this; grab Neptune, grab Nepgear, and pull out to a safer location. Either you'll save all your asses or divert Noire's attention away from the Basilicom.

>[ ] [INTERRUPT] Neptune by deconstructing her furniture. That ought to break off her current job, hopefully without too many adverse and/or time-bendy side effects.
No more DF-Hack for now

Yeah, if it was usual Blorp time, we'd have to wait a week to a month for this.

Just slap her a few times.

Use BOOZE
All Booze into neptune

ITS THE ONLY WAY

True, but Gamindustri laws will always find a way to mortally embarrass Ulrist, and traumatise Nepgear

You mean
>No more DF Hack on anybody but us for now

Question: Can you alter the generated history with DF Hack? If yes:
>[ ] [DF HACK] got you into this mess, so by Armok it's going to get you OUT of this mess. Shut down her current job, alter its parameters, or outright change it... with ill-defined hacking.

Just instead or additional to mucking about with Neppermint, we should try to identify and neutralieze to most offending changes to history or alternatively just try to change history back to how it was before Neptune got "Effortless Buerocracy" faster than she alters it.

If DFhack can't change the history, then:

>[ ] [INTERRUPT] Neptune by deconstructing her furniture. That ought to break off her current job, hopefully without too many adverse and/or time-bendy side effects.

Right! Looks like the consensus is [X] [INTERRUPT], so-

>Urist Twelfthbay interrupts task: no table!
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)
Taking the best of three!
DC: 65, no bonus; however, the higher the better!

Rolled 9 (1d100)

Om

Rolled 75 (1d100)

Rolled 90 (1d100)

>DC: 65, no bonus; however, the higher the better!
HWG

Rolled 52 (1d100)

VICTORY

Oh good.

OH MY GOD, HONEST TO GOODNESS SUCCESS

Writing!

Belatedly, you... probably could! In theory. It'd take far too long, since Urist wouldn't have a goddamned clue which texty bits are the actual history, which bits are Neptune-caused history, and which bits would cause hideous butterfly effects to occur and raze the whole land, causing even worse side effects.

...

Oh ho...
Nevermin..
Quite pleased with this result.

>Neptune demands more pudding be made
>Urist removes it because it doesn't look right
>Retroactive Neptune pudding withdrawal

Why does my brain keep comparing the paperworkpocalypse outside to Cookie Clicker? I haven't even PLAYED Cookie Clicker.

I'll be honest, at this point I just have too much fun teasing Blorp and seeing what despair-themed gif he pulls out next to stop.

haha, time for neps

Open question for the thread: how would Neptune react to the possibility of eggplant pudding? Would her mind just seize up and refuse to operate?

No, it's time for dorfs. Why would it be time for a comic-relief background character?

"That's a forbidden love!"

It's not what it looks like on the outside, it's what's INSIDE that counts.

So yeah, kill it with fire, I assume.

...

Well, if she can't see that eggplants are in the pudding, she would taste it, realize the eggplants in there, go apeshit and try to find the person who is responsible for such a thing.

...

KILL IT WITH FIRE

Urist better keep an eye on her equipment, since weapon and armor damage is a thing in DF now. And of course Gamindustri is exactly the kind of place to pull the anime "clothing damage" kind of thing.

I'm having trouble imagining how the liquid metal gauntlets could suffer damage.

Armok finds a way. Bits of it dripping off as it's used?

They become thinner and tighter until they're skin-tight gloves that show off every detail of the skin they're on except for color.

>[X] [INTERRUPT]
>DC: 60-ish
>90......................
>Great success!

You're not normally one to think on your feet. It's probably hereditary; you dwarves blunder into awful situations all the damn time, because you're all stubborn little shits with terrible foresight. Gotta murder that one goblin, even if it means following him out the fortress and into the remaining ninety-nine gobbos; gotta go fetch that one discarded left sock, even if it's in the jaws of a slavering Forgotten Beast; etc, etc.

On the flip side, if there's one thing you're good at, it's reacting immediately when shit starts going south. Neptune's stuck in some sort of buggy bookkeeping loop? Cancel the job by deconstructing the chair she's sitting on.

You don't have time to do that the properly dwarven way, though, so you wind up and just knock the chair out from under Neptune's dumb ass, sending her to the floor in a tangle of limbs and paperwork.

"Gyaaah!?"

Instantly, the sense of all-pervasive /wrongness/ lifts from your shoulders, and the sound of paperwork trails off to a light rustling. As the laws of temporal physics stop getting taken to pound town, Planeptune's earthquakes fade to a distant rumble. Outside, the larger half-built towers collapse in on themselves, glowing materials fading to the color of dull rust before dissipating altogether.

Neptune brushes a few stray papers aside and levers herself back up, tears of pain in her eyes- her completely normal eyes, thank fucking gods. "Ow... c'mon, Urist, that was mean! You don't kick someone when they're doing- what was I doing again?"

Paperwork. She was doing paperwork.

"Haha, no way! Don't pull my leg like that!" the goddess of all things Sega laughs, socking you in the shoulder. "Really, what's going on?"

(Cont.)

So we'll be a chibi Ferrus Manus. What's the big deal?

You grimace, fingers twitching as you resist going straight for your flask and drinking until the world stops sucking. You don't have time to putz around at Neptune's pace, so you give it to her straight: CPU Black Heart's coming right this way, so-

"Huh? What?" Neptune's eyes- no, her entire goddamn /being/ seems to light up from the inside. She's always been happy, sure, but that ain't nothing compared to the sheer /joy/ bubbling up to the surface. "Noire's coming to see me!?"

W-Well, yeah, but she's completely in battle mode, and oh fucking hell Neptune isn't listening.

"Noire's coming to see me!" she gushes, clapping her hands to her cheeks. "Haha, I thought she was giving me the cold shoulder, but she's going all deredere now, huh?"

Before you can stop her, Neptune throws open the window and vaults out, ignoring the fact that it's not fucking ground level. "Noiiiiire~!"

You scramble over just in time to see Neptune hit the roof running, waving her hands at the sky. Up above, far enough that you can't make out any details against the afternoon sky, you swear you see a shooting star; it's not changing direction, still heading straight for the Basilicom.

Cursing under your breath, you're about to just- fucking follow Neptune, or go grab IF, or do /something/, when Therapist pings you urgently. You blink, bringing up the UI within your mind's eye (or your literal eye, who even knows how this even works).

(Cont.)

As expected, you've got Estelle and Rokko closing in on Planeptune's capital, which is great. What's not so great is that- well, speaking of not knowing how shit works, Therapist is telling you that you've got incoming hostile contacts coming in on the Planeptune Basilicom, far sooner than Estelle and Rokko will arrive.

You didn't even think that Therapist could /track/ that sort of shit.

>CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
[ ] [FOLLOW NEPTUNE] Because NOTHING is worse than a dumb goddess going out to greet an angry war-hungry goddess with open arms.
[ ] [DEAL WITH HOSTILES] Go make a beeline for whatever the hell it is that Therapist is picking up.
[ ] [MEET YOUR FRIENDS] Y'know what? Use your fucking dimension door and go pick up your friends. You need them backing you up in any of this.
[ ] [DIMENSION DOOR!] If there's something or someone Urist wants to grab!
[ ] [WRITE-IN]

>[ ] [FOLLOW NEPTUNE] Because NOTHING is worse than a dumb goddess going out to greet an angry war-hungry goddess with open arms.
>[] [WATCH] Watch from behind something and intervene if it actually looks like they'll fight

[ ] [MEET YOUR FRIENDS] Y'know what? Use your fucking dimension door and go pick up your friends. You need them backing you up in any of this.

>FOLLOW NEP
>BUILD A FORT! DEFEND NEPLAND FROM HOSTILES!

>[ ] [DEAL WITH HOSTILES] Go make a beeline for whatever the hell it is that Therapist is picking up.
Nep'll be daijobu

>BUILD FORT
when in doubt. Build another fort

>FOLLOW NEP
>BUILD A FORT! DEFEND NEPLAND FROM HOSTILES!

>[x] [FOLLOW NEPTUNE] Because NOTHING is worse than a dumb goddess going out to greet an angry war-hungry goddess with open arms.

>[X] [MEET YOUR FRIENDS] Y'know what? Use your fucking dimension door and go pick up your friends. You need them backing you up in any of this.
Fuck this. IF wants paperwork done, you get it done, she complains. She tells you to stop it, and this happens. Doubtless there will be complaints again, but you got Older sis-. . . Friends to collect and hostiles to face.

>[MEET YOUR FRIENDS]

Gamindustri's survived this long with the goddesses interacting without your help, and as for the hostiles, well, that's what the city guard is for (And, again, there are two goddesses here). But we haven't seen Rokko and Estelle in weeks/months/20+ threads, depending on how you want to measure it, and Estelle will not be happy if she gets here and we've run off to do something else.

>[ ] [DEAL WITH HOSTILES] Go make a beeline for whatever the hell it is that Therapist is picking up.

Nep can survive until we deal with the enemies.

>[X]BUILD FORT

This has my support. Pic unrelated and will hopefully stay that way.

...

>[ ] [DIMENSION DOOR!] If there's something or someone Urist wants to grab!
Grab Mojang, she is our best international representative!

Remind me where we got a dimension door from? Is that a fast travel back to Hyperdimension? If so, how can we use it to get to our friends faster? Surely we can't open the exit anywhere we want...?

>[ ] KIDNAP NEPGEAR

Use dimension door, meet friends, avoid custody disputes, acquire daughteru, build forts

Hide in that emergency dorffort made of couch cushions.

We need to go bigger.

>[ ] [FOLLOW NEPTUNE] Because NOTHING is worse than a dumb goddess going out to greet an angry war-hungry goddess with open arms.

>DORF FORT
Batten down the hatches.

[X] [MEET YOUR FRIENDS] Y'know what? Use your fucking dimension door and go pick up your friends. You need them backing you up in any of this.
[X] [WRITE-IN] Ditch responsibility for the immediate problem and fuck off to the hyperdimension.

those pups are pretty cute

Right, looks like the winners are [FOLLOW NEP] and, uh.... [BUILD A FORT]?

Writing!

>[ ] [MEET YOUR FRIENDS] Y'know what? Use your fucking dimension door and go pick up your friends. You need them backing you up in any of this
We need help to defend the Basilicom. We got a Nepgear to protect in there!

That picture has had to be made by a german. Their name for pugs and boobs are the same. (Eventhough it isn't a very polite way of calling breasts that.)

>[X] [DEAL WITH HOSTILES] Go make a beeline for whatever the hell it is that Therapist is picking up.
TO WAR!

Ignore that if you can't work it in logically

>Ignore that if you can't work it in logically
>work it in logically
>logically
>logic
Son, this is a Blorp Quest we're running here. Logic don't enter into it.

Fair enough. Rule of cool then, if you can't make it cool then ignore. I'd hate to spend time making a pointless fort.

Maybe Urist is developing a habit of building tiny forts when stressed. That'd be cute.

> Pointless Fort

What is such a thing I don't even know what you mean by putting those two words together.

And when she isn't looking, gamindustry makes what it was built out of into pillows.

You say that like she wouldn't have already been building it out of pillows.

>Sleepover in Bastillicom Main Hall for highjinxy reasons
>Urist has to build a fort because the room is too big and open for her to feel comfortable.

>Serious attempt at making a for in Planeptune
>All of it turns into pillows

>Urist manages to make a masterful adamantine sword
>Gamindustri turns it into a masterful adamantine hammer

Too late, but I woulda voted for this. We should just cut ourselves off from the bullshit of gamindustri altogether. We and all our buds can hide out in our fort and have fun fighting desperately against the hostile environment whilst making ever greater works of artifice for our own amusement as is the dorfish way. We can also start a nuclear family with Rokko and Nepgear.

B-but Rokko's a girl, user!

>[X] [FOLLOW NEPTUNE!]
>[X] [... BUILD A FORT!]

You can't possibly imagine why the hell there'd be /any/ hostile ANYTHINGS headed for the Planeptune Basilicom, of all places. Given how weak Planeptune is compared to its rivals, you figure the most Gamindustri would bother to rustle up is the equivalent of a few goblins armed with copper weapons and maybe one piece of armor per two attackers. Besides, as rundown as Nep's home is, it's bound to have a few stubbornly loyal adventurers mucking about.

You don't want to waste time with /that/, not when Neptune's running toward the heavily armed arms of the one Gamindustri goddess you haven't actually met yet. With a sigh, you lever yourself out the window, spending a few crucial seconds hanging off the ledge and stretching your legs desperately. Once you're finally down (thank Armok for climbing, but still, FUCK climbing), you make damn sure your footing's steady before jogging off after Nep.

Noire, CPU Black Heart, and the goddess of all things Playstation. By most accounts, she's as aloof as they come, cool and competent; some people insist that she's one of those tsun-somethings. Either way, she's good at running her nation like a particularly efficient machine, despite making remarkably few public appearances. That's half the reason why you avoided Lastation like the plague; you can't fit in with a place like /that/, not with how you stick out like a sore thumb anywhere you go.

Either way, if the meticulously cool-headed Noire has flown all the way out here and transformed into that fancy-pants (figuratively speaking) battle mode of hers, then there's no way that's good news of ANY kind.

(Cont.)

Because Gamindustri loves dramatic standoffs, you intercept both goddesses just outside the Basilicom: Neptune stands at ground level, smack-dab at the front door, with Iffy right beside her. They're both staring up at CPU Black Heart, hovering three stories up; with her back to the sun, all you can make out of the white-haired goddess in the black battle bikini is her silhouette, those lit-up highlights common to all divine beings, and the barest hints of her expression.

You only need that much to figure out that she's not exactly /happy/.

"Don't give me that!" Noire snaps, her eyes flaring with divine light. "It's not just suspicious, it's- it's inexcusable for a goddess to just /disappear/ for days on end! I was- I mean, your constituents must have been worried sick!"

Iffy flips back her side-tail, looking rather put-out. "... look, give the Basilicom more credit than that, will you? Of course we didn't blab it out for everyone to hear. Besides, we're getting off-track-"

"Exactly, exactly!" Neptune wails, flailing her fists childishly. "I've been trying to talk to /you/ for the past gazillion weeks, but you never picked up! And now you're even madder because I accidentally did the same thing to you!?"

You squint, staring in turns at the three of them. What the hell are you looking at? You were expecting fireworks and divine rage and fighting goddesses, and instead, you get some sorta- what, high school level "you never called me" relationship counseling bullshit? Honestly. Dwarves are so much easier- all /they/ need to do is bottle up all their stress to unhealthy levels before unleashing it all in cataclysmic temper tantrums with more than enough potential to end a fortress.

(Cont.)

>fancy-pants (figuratively speaking)
literally, it would be more like no-pants

... anyway, no one's even noticed you yet, which is absolutely perfect. You've got a hunch about all this, given pattern recognition and all, so you keep an ear tuned to this conversation, and turn half of your attention to the ground beneath you. Seems like it's pavement, with some solid soil beneath you- good enough for your purposes.

"Of course I'm mad, idiot!" CPU Black Heart stammers. "After what happened to Vert and Blanc, and now you-"

"I can take care of myself, you know!" Neptune points an accusatory finger at Noire. "Besides, if you're gonna worry about me, then at least be honest about it! Tell me straight up! Show me some of that classic cutie-patootie tsundere blushing!"

The white-haired goddess opens her mouth to snap back a retort, but swallows it down with an effort. For a moment, she seems busy enough, listening to something close to her ear-

"N... Noire?" Neptune sounds uncertain, though she covers it up well. "C'mon, this is where you insist that you're not worried, right? Except in a totally unconvincing manner, and you blush and stammer while doing it, and it's the cutest thing that everyone expects from you by now-"

"Shut up." CPU White Heart lifts her sword and points it straight at Neptune, ignoring the goddess's sharp gasp. "I'm tired of this farce."

"Dammit, Noire-!" Quick as a flash, Iffy pulls out her punching daggers and stands protectively in front of her friend, her trenchcoat flaring out behind her. "I don't know what's eating at you, but you're going /way/ too far-"

"I have to admit, you're good for an imitation," Noire continues, her voice wavering. Her sword arm remains steady, even as those thrusters hovering inches from her skin begin charging up. "It... it was fun, talking to 'Neptune' like this again. But she's already fallen to Arfoire, hasn't she? Histoire told me everything-"

(Cont.)

CPU Black Heart boosts forward, swinging her sword. That divine weapon- sharp enough to cut through steel like butter- slices through nothing but air, 'cause that's when you dig a ramp up underneath Neptune and Iffy, removing their footing and dropping them into your underground fortress/bolthole.

Ignoring Neptune's protests, you all but kick them into the tunnel behind you, staring up out your hole at Noire's big dumb shocked face, close enough that you can see the tears of /burning saddened vengeance/ gathering at the corners of her eyes.

>CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
[ ] [VIOLENCE HER] She who strikes first stops the pissed off goddess from pushing in your shit and buys her friends time to get the fuck away.
[ ] [CONVINCE HER] Because this Neptune is the real Neptune, and Noire would have to be a goddamned goober to think otherwise, the hell is wrong with her!?
[ ] [IGNORE HER] because you're too busy building a fucking wall between you and her and blocking her off from your mini-fort because NOPE NOPE NOPE.
[ ] [WRITE-IN]

>[ ] [IGNORE HER] because you're too busy building a fucking wall between you and her and blocking her off from your mini-fort because NOPE NOPE NOPE.
cue Jackie chan wanting no trabble as Urist builds a fort in the middle of the duel.

>[ ] [WRITE-IN]
LOUDLY CALL HISTOIRE WITH THE PHONE NOW. PULL OUT ALL THE KEYSTONES.

You're going to tell me we left all the keystones in the Hyperdimension, aren't you?

>[x] [CONVINCE HER] Because this Neptune is the real Neptune, and Noire would have to be a goddamned goober to think otherwise, the hell is wrong with her!?

>[ ] [CONVINCE HER] Because this Neptune is the real Neptune, and Noire would have to be a goddamned goober to think otherwise, the hell is wrong with her!?

Hooray, I caught a Blorp thread!
Also, we can probably do this. I mean, if anyone's got insight into what goes on in the mind of Nep, it's Noire and Urist. Even if we may hate ourselves afterwards.

>[ ] [IGNORE HER] because you're too busy building a fucking wall between you and her and blocking her off from your mini-fort because NOPE NOPE NOPE.
WE'LL BUILD A WALL AND FIND A WAY TO MAKE LASTATION PAY FOR IT

>[ ] [CONVINCE HER] Because this Neptune is the real Neptune, and Noire would have to be a goddamned goober to think otherwise, the hell is wrong with her!?
> [WRITE-IN] KEYSTONE PHONE

>CPU White Heart lifts her sword
so when did Blanc or the one who stole her powers get here?

Pretty sure they're still glued to our phone

>[X] [IGNORE HER]
She's already convinced, on the inside. This is just the stock tsundere "kill them all to hide my shame" moment. It'll pass.
Or we will, but hey, that's life.

This one