Gooooood evening and welcome everyone to Veeky Forums, the board where everything's made up and the experience points don't matter. That's right, they're sort of like my calorie count, you can have as many as you want but it really doesn't mean anything.
Today we're playing a game called Scenes from a Hat.
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What the bard is actually thinking.
I'm playing songs in the middle of a fight... what the hell am I doing?!
Drew? The nice lich? Oh hi
"Another town, another place
Another girl, another face
Another horse, another race
Eatin' junk, feelin' bad
Another night, goin' mad
My woman leavin' I'm so sad
But I just love the life I lead
Another beer is what I need
Another gig, my ears bleed
We are the dunge crew"
I'll just get out my stealth drums then will I?
That guy can throw fire from his hands.
That guy can bench large boulders.
That guy talks to animals.
And i'm battling demons
By playing a lute
None of this makes sense
I wonder if the lich's vagina is still intact...
"I don't actually know how to play any of these instruments, I've just convinced everyone that this is how they are supposed to sound."
Graffiti found in the dungeon restrooms.
"This is nice poophole" in the room covered in thickest layers of waste
Looking for an adventuring group? Chant this phrase for a good time
SECUNDUS SHAT HERE
"This hole totally doesn't lead to a sphere of annihilation"
>there's a scrying ward in here
>Don't ask how I know this
>explosive rune
I wonder if I should see a cleric about this itching
There once was a Pally from Thebes
Who liked sucking off scoundrels and thieves
Perfume hid the smell
But anyone could tell
What he did from the scuffs on his greaves
"hehehehehehe...buttress"
>Rick sucks dick
>Also, explosive rune
"golden nuggets are in the hole"
I would kill all of these people, if I only had strength worth a damn.
Scry Julie for a good time!
[Unintelligable Orcish Scrawlings]
That Guy is at it again.
>And my character is half-
Oh, I forgot to mention, My father was actually an ancient fox spirit so I would totally be great at tracking this creature.
It's what my character would do!
"Hey, do you mind if we just do a one-off so I can test the setting I've been working on, but will never bring up again after this session?"
drew is my father thats why i have high calorie mate from eating everything! cause im the glutton connoisseur
I roll con and cha to see how long I last in bed with the bar wench
You know, I should totally be the leader since I've had the best rolls so far.
"HEY! I RECOGNISE THAT HENTAI, DON'T YOU- what does it mean you hear about it for the first time? STOP INSERTING YOUR FETISHES"
Drew where are you
Remember when fun happened? That was great
Things you can say about your sword, but not your father
I love him
"My sword has never left my side and will always be there for me."
I don't get weird looks when I polish it with oil, wrap it in leather, and sling it over my back.
Daddyissues mind
"i just ran somebody through with it"
I have a sword
Not annoying normie
>"I roll to masturbate furiously. Can I use my Animal Handling rather than my Sleight of Hand?"
"This has never taken a life."
You finally confront the BBEG and you see the DM pick up a set of pages as the BBEG starts monologuing.
>When it's not your turn on Roll20.webm
"Who wants tea?"
"I yawn."
I cast haste.
i cast greater invisiblity, fly and summon monster IX, twice, i clearly had the time
I pick up my banjo and start playing the most annoying song I can think of.
"Who do you think you are, John Galt?"
I do a snack run to the kitchen for the table while being quiet and listening because I'm a good player and well like
fuck that I running dropkick the fucker bardbarian time motherfucking
Things you shouldn't write on the character sheet
Gender:Other
Deity:Jehovah
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Well, I have a character concept now.
...
At least it's not Mormon Jesus
Mormon Jesus is the same as Regular Jesus. Until the 3 days he died, then the fanfiction kicks in.
Race:Kender
Inventory: 50 dragon dildos
Words on paladin's tombstone
Skin colour: Normal
He didn't trip, he still fell
He was just Lawful Stupid.
We already pawned his armour
Here lies the party's babysitter.
So, Hawkeye is a bard?
kek
Other current events: Giant party shuts down entire city
His Last Words:
"I said 'smite evil!' Why isn't it wor–"
It Props open the privy door
Cause he was always looking into peoples shit in life.
youtube.com
and he has a killer jam
>He died doing the right thing
No, wait, that's the wizard.
"We All Fall Down."
DREW
Wizard's guild admission rituals.
...
There was an entire KodT story that revolved around that.
player 1 crawled down the shit hole. GM switched from talking about them to talking about the rest of the party, and how player 1 hadn't come back.
Player 2 jumps in and uses feather fall.
GM goes from talking about P. 2 and discusses the remaining party members.
P3 and 4 jump in together.
As a GM, I feel like the Knight's GM did the right thing, but i have no idea how to express that in a way that doesn't make me sound like a dick.
"For your first test to gain guild admission, you must.... ATTACK THE DARKNESS!"
Magical Snipe Hunt.
>"You must acquire a Cockatrice toenail."
"I Ballistics the house."
assassinate another apprentice
"make out with the magic mouth, come on now"
"This magic stick ain't gonna polish itself"
>not "this wand ain't gonna wave itself"
You must refuse sexual temptation from those 20 whore we hired earlier
You see that book over there? I want you to read it.
>Book is entitled "I prepared Explosive Runes this morning"
"You must attempt to resist a mind swap spell. I succeed you're in, if I fail you're out."
"You must have sex with this awakened sheep. We will be listening from behind this door to know you if you go through it"
"Scry your own conception"
Dick Size: >8 inches
"Here's a scroll with Polymorph Self. Now get under the table.
"Fill this bottomless bag with pig-shit, light it on fire and put it in the archamage's magnificent mansion"
>"Play the fife, man?"
>"Bagpipes are ear rape, why do you have those things?"
Well who's laughing now, since I got these Bagpipes of Invisibility? Me, that's who.
So that's where female Dwarves' beards are...
>not Explosive Runs
One Job, anons.
"My dice just seem to roll high, guys, honest!"
It's never le- Motherfucker.
I scream "Objection!" halfway through.
Language: Aboleth
Apparently that succubus couldn't be redeemed.
Attending a ball wearing nothing but illusory clothing and acting like nothing's wrong.