Useless or nearly useless magic/special items

...

Bad artificers, or just students practicing at a mage college. Heck, one time I used a drunken wizard party as my excuse for a pile of shitty magic items.

>makes you walk faster, but run slower
so walking speed boost to any character, but disabled dash action? Sounds like it could be pretty useful actually

Magic stones that do nothing but vibrate and stay warm to the touch.

You do realize those are going right up my character's ass, right?

They were looted from an NPC sorceress.

Then I guess I'll wash them first.

One of my favourites was the 'wand of conjure wand'. It has one use, and allows you to conjure a wand with one use that allows you to conjure a wand...

So, I have an infinite number of sticks?

Honestly, I always prefer giving them items that seem useless and might not even always be magical, but they do have some very situational applications that can be pretty useful if the players figure them out. For example, "Orb of Slope Detection" is a small but perfectly well-formed glass bead that, when placed on the ground, rolls in the direction of a slope if placed on one.

As far as straight up magical items that aren't as useful as they sound, a Wand of Teleportation that vanishes from the wielder's hand when activated is always fun. So is the Universally Immovable Rod, especially when it's used in a dungeon. So is the Ring of Might that, when activated, gives an ambiguous answer.

Free firewood/kindling

[aztec dubstep playing in background]

>Universally Immovable Rod
THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN
>Ring of Might that, when activated, gives an ambiguous answer
Kekekeked, stolen

What makes it so gratifying is when the players Discover some use for one of those items, or say I make a use for them. Like having a riddle guardian asking you how many grass straws you have under your boot, be shocked when the player actually answers, and then get angry that his "impossible riddle" was solved

Socks of Prestidigitation that keep your feet dry.

A chalice with infinite water inside
and a hat that when it's rised from a head or surfice begins to create winter cold, progressively.

Not useless at all. You could use them for long distance communications by tying notes to them and shit, probably a bunch of other things I haven't thought of yet, too. Honestly making creative use of 'useless' magical items is one of my favourite things to see in a party.

Lamp of Illusion

when lit, it casts an illusion of bright light. it doesn't make any real light at all.

What would happen if I put the sock of prestidigitation inside the chalice of infinite water?

I guess it would stay dry, despite being submerged.

Does that mean that everything it lights up is an illusion too?

>You mean club of undead slaying.

That would totally be worth putting in a game, just for the realization.jpg.

Time is an illusion. Space is an illusion. Reality is an illusion. We are all illusions and fantasies of the overgod that dreams the world. There is no fundamental difference between real and illusionary light because both are ultimately illusions. Only the overgod is real. By realizing your own unreality, you gain real mastery of the illusion.
It's actually a Cursed Lamp of Philosophy

>tfw that user can't even basic logic
I want summer to leave

Mass produce these for the army to prevent trench foot. That's a serious problem, yaknow.

Does that mean that everything it lights up is true reality?

I got your back, yo!
youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM

You do understand that a PCs gonna brutally and mercilessly kill each other for this pair, right?
And for a pair of breeches that ALWAYS stays clean.

>Universally Immovable Rod
>Because linear movement is relative, it stays on the Earth
>Because rotational movement is absolute, it flies across the world at the speed of its rotation
I'd try and map its path and avoid it. Maybe try and lure baddies near it. It'll pass by at the same time every day.

>"Orb of Slope Detection" is a small but perfectly well-formed glass bead that, when placed on the ground, rolls in the direction of a slope if placed on one.
You mean a ball

The ring of pudding pop. It's a ring with a cognac diamond that tastes exactly like chocolate pudding.

>the big bad is giving a monologue while you are standing there, more interested about licking your ring

Seamus Young's balancing rod is a classic: A rod that stands upright when placed. If you have an RPer in the group, the hat that drops INT, but makes your character think it's been raised is good.

Bump. Best thread in a while.

ITT, Ribbon's shopping list.

Wow, we've got a genius here!

Helm of Invisibility:

This helmet makes your head, and only your head, completely invisible. The helmet, however, is not invisible at all.

Does it look like this?

Bracelet of Trees:

A bracelet that makes its wearer immediately aware of the location of the nearest tree.

Exactly like that. The faceplate is riveted shut.

>You do understand that a PCs gonna brutally and mercilessly kill each other for this pair, right?

Obviously. That's why they were in that chest after all. Every round of pvp is a round I didn't have to plan.

You are a motherfucking idiot. This item is worth any price you would bo offered.

And the pic is not even covering half of possible places where ability to locate tree would be priceless

Indestructible Ingot:
An ingot of lightweight metal, created by a dwarven wizard. It is thoroughly indestructible, and cannot be damaged by any means. However, it is also impossible to melt it, carve it, hammer it, or shape it in any way whatsoever.

I'm doing something similar. I'm playing a cleric with smiting spell and a crossbow to shoot cure spells into my allies.

Depending on how tightly fitted those bracers were, that could really fuck up your wrists.

There are a lot of useless, free-standing trees sitting in the middle of deserts, boyo. It would be a useful guideline, but it would just help you pick a potentially shorter straight line to walk in after enjoying your shade.

I'm sure I could think of some uses for that. Stuff it inside a cannon, use it to jam up a traditional 'closing wall' trap, stick it in front of a Mcguffin-powered spell, that kind of thing.

It'd at least let you know where water is. And if there's no water, all you have to do is burn the tree down and use the bracelet again.

>Like having a riddle guardian asking you how many grass straws you have under your boot, be shocked when the player actually answers, and then get angry that his "impossible riddle" was solved
That kind of thing would clearly be you throwing them a bone for giving them a shit item and is not at all gratifying to a player

Just use it as the head of a hammer
Crusader's Crossbow?

>lightweight metal as the head of a hammer

Crystal Ball of Incredulity:

A crystal ball that can answer any Yes/No question once per day. It has a 50% chance of being incorrect. Created by a wizard with a gambling addiction, and an irrational fear of two-sided objects.

Wouldn't this be good for pretending you're some sort of monster or something? It could also be used to conceal your identity

CLANG

What the fuck was that!?

A few minor chuckles:

Wand of Raise Dead:
Once cast, the target dead body begins to levitate.

Potion of Spider Climb:
Once consumed, the user can climb a spider, a giant spider, or a pile of spiders, flawlessly. Alternatively, any spiders you splash it on will be able to climb anything perfectly.
Created by the same wizard who created the famed Potion of Fish Swim.

Impervious Armor:
An ancient set of immaculate heavy plate armor that is impossible to damage or destroy. Whenever it would take damage, it momentarily phases into another plane.

Not all hammers have to weigh a metric ton. A hammer doesn't have to be much heavier than a few pounds

>Once cast, the target dead body begins to levitate.
Hmmm... how much weight can it carry?

I like the way you think.

The catch is that the tree isn't necessarily still alive.

If you found some way to combine it with recharging magic, you might be able to make a nuclear explosion of wood splinters.

O stop it, you

Compass of Vampirism Location
Points towards the nearest vampire. Will almost always lead you to a female mosquito or other bloodsucking beasty.

Or lights up anything that isn't a illusion, probably.

>Once consumed, the user can climb a spider, a giant spider, or a pile of spiders, flawlessly. Alternatively, any spiders you splash it on will be able to climb anything perfectly.
This is dangerous. You will turn PCs into spider breeders

There is shade, potential food, shadow, water, firewood...

It's still a tree, you know? Having wood in the middle of literal nothing is still nice

This user gets it

Well if you're desperate to find a lawyer

100% gonna steal it. They are gonna find a "greater gem of blooddrinker detection" and Ima make them shit their pants next time they approach any castle or cromlech or cemetary. (Vampires in my setting are really really tough and scary shit.)

>give them to the evil warlord as a gift, use the command word, rip his wrists off, murderhobo the fuck out of him.

The Fire Distinguisher.

Correctly determines what is and is not fire.

/out/ here, would commit mass murder for this one

My personal favorite is the hat that makes everyone you are not hiding from convinced that you just became harder to detect. It doesn't actually make you, it just convinces them it does.

For everyone you might want to hide from, even if you are not aware of their presence or existance, you are as easy to detect as if you were blinking with a bright strobing light, even if you don't look any different. They don't even need eyes to detect you.

Using this in my Campaign was hilarious, because everyone on the party could attest that it works, while I allways rolled my detection rolls for foes behind a GM screen and they allways made the check, resulting in a lot of confusion and chaos.

the wand disintegrates when it is used

I've got to be honest, but depending on how the GM plays the rest of the game, the party could start thinking that he's just fudging the rolls to railroad.

>Broom that makes things dirty by creating dust.

They started using it to put out fires.

It's their fault for using magical artifacts that they have not confirmed the effect of. No mercy. It's like drinking a potion you know nothing about and being surprised when it's actually a sleeping potion

Also, if it only ever happens to one player... make observation, form hypothesis, test hypothesis.

Mysterious Soap

Soap that makes you no cleaner than you were before you used it. However, it makes you and everyone else think the user is cleaner. The soap has a nice, fragrant and relaxing aroma, which is actually an olfactory hallucination it creates.

Invisible Pen

Pen that uses invisible ink to write. It's completely impossible to detect what's written with it though. By manufacturing error approximately 23.5% of these don't have ink.

Wand of Transmutation

Transmutes items into chocolate coins.

faceplate rivited shut so it cant be opened. literally just a steel helm. soon as you take it off, you head comes back.

>Transmutes items into chocolate coins.
In any medieval setting that would be stupid valuable.

impervious armor
>best cursed item ever.

About as much as the pressure the body can withstand before no longer being considered a body.

You're thinking in-character and keeping the situation in-character. You can't control how the group thinks, and some of them may be thinking out-of-character and instead of realizing what the hat does, suspects that the GM is fudging rolls.

It's a caution that this magic item will not work for every group and every player, because I've had GMs who will simply drop magic items they thought were interesting into the game without thinking about how the players as people will react to them being present. It's the girdle of masculinity/femininity all over again. The characters may be able to handle it, but will the players themselves?

Prim and Proper Purse.

It's impossible to lose it, have it stolen, or open it unless you're the correct owner. It also can hold unlimited amounts of gold, and convert said gold to food or sundry items on demand. Never run out of rope again, candles for days etc. It runs extortionate prices though.

It also eats gold when breaches of etiquette occur.

I like to put objects that at the same time they are mostly useless, they are cool, like the Belt of Duel, when you move your hands slowly at the side of this belt, it summons a ball of hay that slowly rolls past you.
There is also the Thunderpunch Gauntlet, when it hits something at fast speeds, it sounds like thunder, and this one is not magic, it has some air entrances to make the sounds.

The Vast Satchel.
A handbag that can hold an infinite amount of stuff.You can never find that one item you want when looking in it.

The Hat of False Charisma
The wearer of this somewhat old-fashioned hat believes that it grants +6 to Charisma and Intelligence. In fact, it penalizes Charisma and Wisdom by 6, to a minimum of one. The cursed wearer rationalizes his failures as being due to outside factors unless given a Remove Curse.

Is it a fedora?

"greater hat of you turned into a neckbeard"

FUUUUUCK

There was that barbarian who specialized in using *bricks*. He even had a masterwork brick of +1.

My party was given a choice of magic items. The party Alchemist took the Snakeskin Tunic

"Tunic, Snakeskin
Aura moderate abjuration and transmutation; CL 8th
Slot chest; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.

DESCRIPTION

A snakeskin tunic is a tight, form-fitting shirt crafted from the scales of a giant snake.

When worn, it grants a +1 armor bonus to AC, a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity, and a +2 resistance bonus on saving throws against poison."

The Alchemist gained no actual benefit from it. He was immune to poison, wore armor and cats grace was put up in every fight.

The item was picked for a single reason.
>A snakeskin tunic is a tight, form-fitting shirt crafted from the scales of a giant snake.

One goes on your wrist, the other goes around a dead cat carried by your heavily-muscled lootslave.