The Pathetic Marines!

All hail the Pathetic Marines! I am ready to deploy with my fellow assault marines at our captains command.

Let us flail helplessly before our enemies!

Hail brother! Let me fix your jump pack first. It seems to be lacking....

Everything.

Brother thy jump pack is but a painted crate.

I shall use my mighty weapon to let you know exactly where to land.

I have seen the vile orks fly with less, TAKE TO THE SKY BROTHERS!

You might need a push from an elevated position brother. Directly above the position of the enemy.

>Power Fist

>Additional Traits: Unrefined (-1 S)

I taped a car battery to my fist.

Must be Ork made.

>Eldar D-Scythe

>Template, S D, AP 2, Heavy 1, Distort Scythe

>Additional Traits: Unrefined (-1 S), Refined (+1 S)

Am I pathetic enough to join? I can't even into maximum edge.

>Digital Weapons

Ook?

>Additional Traits: Unrefined (-1 S), Refined (+1 S)

So bad it's good, welcome aboard friend

Brother the emperor has granted me a Siginum! May my strikes be forever true for the glory of the god emperor.

I shall serve the cheaper gloriously! But please pass the duct tape brother, I need to re tape the handle again.

What are our chapter tactics?

BATTLE BROTHERS!

Brother!

Do the Legion of the Damned have chapter tactics? If so think theirs plus more bizarre.

Our beacon brothers, aided by the blind scouts, guide our forces to the enemies of the Emperor.

With our diverse (seemingly random) selection of weaponry, our enemies can never expect or adapt to us. No matter the foe, one amongst us will have the tool needed.

Blind, Rage.

My fucking sides.

We strike as one. Every Pathetic Marine deploys together, all at once. And we do so with a mad laugh upon our lips! Aside from that and the Blindwing Scouts, not much yet.

Brothers! my squad has been decimated in a matter of seconds when i glanced aside! There is foul warp treachery afoot!

>one amongst us will have the tool needed.
I assume we are very good at coordinated juggling.

Brothers! I have been blessed with the holy auspex!

We have to be at this point.

BROTHERS! I've lost my Land raider Keys, I think I locked them inside the Chapter Masters quarters!

This will need art.

The only thing that could have made this better is if it had been a bunch of random Imperial citizens being sent off, we could all have taken a guess at what our stats would be.

Quickly, someone toss him something to cut through the door!

These already exist though, they're called the Lamenters.

HBG did make a request.
Randomized hilarity.
Nah man. Lamanters are UNLUKCY marines. These marines are the worst of all space marines.

What, there's another chapter with even worse luck than us?...QUICKLY BROTHERS, WE MUST ASSIST THE LAMENTERS IF WE ARE ABLE TO!

Anything I can do to assist my battle brothers?!

Our chapter's purpose is twofold

1. To show that even the emperors most pathetic of sons are bounds better than any traitorous heretic or treacherous Xenos

2. No matter how bad your chapter is, you're still not the worst.

That's a truly encouraging-discouraging fact!
This twofoldness reinforces strongly your point!

Someone should be transformed into a writefag to write our stories.
I would, but then again, I'm blind and can't see the keyboard.

>I'm blind and can't see the keyboard.
As am I brother, as am I.

That's why you are one of the members of the Blindwing, one of the most respectable (read as ''slightly less pathetic'') sergeants even!

Necron Tesseract guy #2 reporting for duty.

I still have no idea what this thing does.

Pathetic Marines: the stupid bastards who turn up to battle either hungover as fuck, or still drunk from the night before.

Remember, you can't field tanks if all of your marines have received a driving ban.

Something to do with all those points they got from doing donuts in a razorback in the courtyard of the local Ecclesiarch's palace.

OI! I still have my driving licence!

...only I can't seem to find it...

FOR OUR MOST GRACIOUS FATHER THE EMPEROR!

Dont be ridiculous brother, they simply require a driving supervisor from the Administratum. If a supervisor is unavailable one must only recite the litany of vehicular foritude and attach safety servitors to all sides of the tank.

>Something to do with all those points they got from doing donuts in a razorback in the courtyard of the local Ecclesiarch's palace.
Wait. We have vehicles?

I think he means the chapter saunas. I always wondered why they had wheels...

Yes, but I like to think that most of them are chassis being carried around by safety servitors because the treads are fucked. And our land raider got stuck inside the top floor of a building...somehow.

I assumed we were like the LoD, but with pathetic marines filled with holy vigor.

I know not of this land raider, but if you are seeking our chapters mobile nap shack I think we left it atop a hive spire somewhere in the sector.

Brother Neutron Blaster...but... you died!

I imagine there is a "practice driving" sticker/sign on the back of every vehicle we own

That guy was a boring bitch and he knows it! Ans did he thank us for purging the Daemons invading his Shrine World? Exactly. Though we did steal all of their alcohol and every Sister of Battle we could find. Hmm...

"STUDENT BATTLE BROTHER ON BOARD"

He's a most Pitiful Pathetic Dreadnought now.

I also imagine that the tesle choppa is just a regular choppa with some spraky bitz ductaped on to make it look flashy. No idea how it got in the armoury though...

If they can be found underneath all of the blood and safety servitors, I'm sure they're there.

No Pathetic Marine ever dies! We merely advance towards the Reclusium of Eternal Napping to recuperate!

I vote to put him in a Patheticnought Chassis, so that he can still be canonically with us

You rascal anticipated me!

It's a miracle that the departum minostorum is still giving us supplies

They actually aren't.

Keep it a secret but these things most of our battlebrothers think we are getting via Ministrorum are actually ''gifts'' we procured thanks to some Marines we got from the chapter of the... uuh..mmm... I think the name was Red Chickens.

I'm pretty sure the name was Maroon Dodos, Captain.

Oh really?
I would have sworn it was Red Chickens!
Oh well, I appreciate the help young battle brother, my memory isn't the same as it was 258 years ago.

I'm pretty sure it was the scarlet sparrows, brother

EVEN IN DEATH, I STI- *zzzzzzzz*

Greetings brother, I feared that you had forgotten about this.

I thought they were the Crimson Hawks

I would never forget the Chapter I helped found!

(I was up till 2 in the morning last night and I woke up at noon, sorry about that.)

Brothers! I just remembered!
We need to divide the Companies!
We may be pathetic, but, Emperor preserve us, but not stupid!
How many Companies will we have?

How are we going to name our Battle Barge, the one that didin't crash into the hulk?

I propose our champion rotates between the melta bomb marines. If he blows himself up, he died in glorious combat for the emperor. If he doesn't, obviously he isn't pathetic enough to hold such a prestigious title

It's possible. I do remember one of their marines I think. His name was Cyprus or something... Rather bleak and rude marine.

Also the ones with plasma gun should be able to be champions, they too have an aweful tendency to blow themselves up
See the late Brother Neutron Blaster

What Battle Barge that didn't crash into the Hulk?

And as we have one Marine from every non-Traitor Space Marine Chapter, I'd say around several dozen.

Bleak? Nooooo

I remember one quote of him that was outrageously beautyful!
''Say it now, before the cleansing begins.''

Altho yeah, he was actually quite rude, one of the scouts strated crying after he said it, as a matter of fact.

Brothers I found another piece of equipment next to what I presume is a sleeping battle brother.

>Heavy Flamer
>Additional Traits: Sniper

Anyone who needs a new piece of wargear?

The one that had a big chicken-winged long-haired man right in front of the command bridge. It was the most stylish if you ask me.

Our sighted-flamer brother will be so happy of this new wargear!

Toss it to someone with a throwable powerfist. so they have something to use when they don't have the powerfist.

It's Patheticnought Neutron Blaster now.

Techmarine Erasmus placed my gooified remains into the chassis of this mighty Fail Engine and by the grace of the Emperor, I was reborn.

>Lascannon

>Additional Traits: Blind, Precision Shot / Strike

He may not be able to see. But damn if he isn't the best shot in the chapter.

Which to be fair isn't saying much

Well I have been gifted a "combi-weapon" that gets hot, without any further information. I still don't know what I'm firing to this day.

>Genestealer Claw
> Throwable, one use only, rending, instant death.
Eeeeeeeeh i'll harm youuuu!

>Which to be fair isn't saying much
Well at least he can hit one side of a barn from inside the barn. Which is slightly better than me.

I call Captain of the 4th Company. All blunted weapon marines to me.

Well the Blindwings are our 10th company, right?

Our chapter Master shall be Heavy Bolter Guy, his honorguard are the ones with the ammo though. If all of the honorguard are killed, he may no longer fire his weapon.

10th Company: Scout company
Homorific name: Blindwing
Speciality: (Litteral) Blind faith in the Emperor, (very) short range scouting, (extremely) long range yelling.

But now...
Now the 4th company needs a honorific name too!

Blunthammers?

What company can I fit into?

I am completely fine with this, but Tesla Choppa Guy and Scoped Flamer Guy are part of my Command Squad as well.

Power Maul

Additional Traits: Night Vision, Blind

Well... this is discouraging

Ork Power Klaww

S x2, AP 1, Unwieldy

Additional Traits: Precision Shot / Strike, Master-crafted, Refined (+1 S)
I have the finest powerclaw ever made Brothers!

Hell yea

Might I recommend Barnsiders?

In honor of their firing accuracy, of course.