Pathetic Marines : Serious Warp Fuckery Edition

Captain of the first company, reporting for duty ! What is happening, brothers ?

Nothing much

My brothers! How does this day of adventure in Warp Fuckery and hunting Luna Wolves go for you all?

>OOC

Holy fuck it's good to be back.

yeah , how bout we properly start this in an hour?

>OOC

Fair point, I have to eat

Hello fellow comrades. Have you heard of the Huge Marines? They are quite large, and quite attractive, unlike myself. I attempted to lift weights as they do, but as you can see by my newly broken toe, I'm quite bad at it. By the Emperor does this smart!

brother , change your name from unranked to neophyte please , a captain must recruit you first

Is that how this works? Ah, how pathetic of me to think becoming a marine was this easy.

Grab this pathetic Power Mace of Throwing, brother, I need you in the first company, you pathetic excuse for a marine.
You'll be under the orders of Brother Sargent Redshirt from now on, and your first mission will be to fetch yourself a pathetic bike, wherever you might find it.

Yessir, right away sir!

Greetings Brothers! Long time no see!

Just wander around Bastie for a bit if you find a bike report it and if it whispers dark promises then just use requisition earplugs!

Hello fellow Tesla Marine! I too have a Tesla weapon

I was the first one brother! It's still an honour to meet a fellow tesla wielder

>OOC
Forgot to Namefag

I have returned brothers! I seem to have found something that leans towards the heretical side. It seems to be a White Scar bike, yet somehow it seems that a Tau Rail weapon had been mounted into the front. Should I bring this to someone who can dispose of this Xenotech?

No my brother! That is sacred technology, and must be used to fight the Emperors wars!

Seriously have you seen our weapons?!? Our spacehulk monastery sentient thing has pieces of elder and necron tech in it we even went to the throne of skulls! (Which reminds me I still haven't sorted the loot I stole)

Very well then. May the Emperor shine his light upon me every time I use this gift he has granted me. Sergeant Redshirt, I was told to report to you. What are my next orders?

Well you could help me sort the khornate loot

Where do we start?

Start searching that pile
i have charts d100 please

Rolled 26 (1d100)

I will aid you brothers! Sorry, I kinda invited myself

Gladly!

may i assist you , my brothers?

...

Rolled 10 (1d100)

rolling didnt work , i'm apparently retarded

>incompetently stumbles over lootstash , sending it flying all over the place

>*INCOMING TRANSMISSION*
...
...
...
I greet you, Astartes. This is Magos Galan Gevorkian of the Explorator Fleet Varicella speaking.
Our Techpriests were able to contact your Chapter by performing one of the archaic rites of the Machine God.
We are requiring your assistance.
You must find an ancient Relic of the Dark Age of Technology.
In return, We will not accuse you of tech-heresy.
Judging by our scanners going off limits, your abomination of a vessel is filled with Xenotech. Not only that, but We detected some strange neural activity similar to that of an Abominable Intelligence.
There is no point in arguing with Us, your only valid option is to accept Our offer.
And now, let Us get into the details...
...

...
This is Nova Frigoris, an Ice World.
According to Our archives, this planet was once a test polygon of the Imperium.
But now it's nothing but a barren wasteland.
The surface of Nova Frigoris is covered with glaciers and ruins of the Imperial Facilities.
Right now, this World is uninhabited.
But that is not for too long, We are afraid...
...

yes , we shall cleanse it of the xeno filth!

...
This is the Artifact.
It's an ancient prototype of the Pellucidum Pattern Chainsword.
We have the rough coordinates of it's location, but we cannot get it using Our forces.
It seems that We're not the only ones interested in the Artifact.
We have the information that Chaos Sorcerer Balanus the Destined is trying to retrieve the Chainsword himself.
He is followed by an army of cultists and daemons.
We don't know why the Sorcerer is so interested in this Archaeotech.
Get rid off Balanus. Only after that We will be able to contunue Our mission on Nova Frigoris.
The coordinates are being sent to you right now.
We are counting on you, Astartes.
Praise the Omnissiah.
...
...
...
>*END OF THE TRANSMISSION*

Rolled 4, 5 = 9 (2d6)

CHAOS?! WHERE?!

*opens fire, rolling for Gets Hot x2*

Hmm, that is perhaps the shiniest Chainsword I have ever seen. My brothers! The servants of the Machine God have asked our aid, and the loot they offer as payment is more than acceptable! We will storm this Ice World, slay the spawn of Chaos who seek to invade it, and claim the Sword in the Ice for the glory of the Emperor and the Chapter! Bastie, plot our course and prepare the drop ships! Tonight we claim victory! (And I'm totally stealing that sweet ass sword) NONE MORE PATHETIC!

Agreed brother! TO VICTORY...AND JOLLY COOPERATION!

>OOC
Man I'm glad these threads aren't dead, what became of the Lunar Wolves?

>OOC

Bastie can probably handle anything they can dish out, volkite weapons or not.

>OOC
Let's just assume that Luna Wolves are sealed somewhere in the lower decks of Bastie.

>OOC
Redshirt, some guy and I, with Notan Ecron, killed all the Wolves :) (right before I punched thz big tyranid thingey)

>mfw found an ancient chainsword.

>OOC
Good move.

guys , gonna leave for now , keep me updated when i return please!

When we land I shall scout ahead and return with truly pathetic maps befitting of our chapter's renown. As for the chainsword not my type of weapon I prefer extremely accurate long range weapons that have some of the range removed.

>OOC
Glad the chapter is not dead I was worried there that we had died.

Brother, the cartography crayons are in short supply. Your maps may need to be more abstract than usual.

DEEP STRIKE ME INTO BATTLE!

>OOC
This Pathetic Thread is here again, just as planned

YES BROTHER!

>ooc
So when shall we arrive?

newfriend change your name please

>OOC
I also would desire an answer to this question and hopefully this one returns

I'm almost afraid we'll arrive next tuesday......

Is engine three acting up again? Tell it to calm down!
>OOC
Alrighty then I will catch the tail end of that one

nah , engine 3 has been slaughtered by necrons and is now just a cardboard box

Must be rats or something then.......
Hopefully necons are not hiding in engine three

We shall arrive when the Emperor (and Bastie) wills it!

Alright... who's been tampering with the Bastions warp drive again... I found banana peels and motor oil all over it... and I am NOT cleaning it up!

Are the necrons gone?

Personally I want to know why we don't just exterminatus the planet, those at the ad mech haven't treated us very well recently. Now where did the chapter master leave keys to the exterminatus room. Better yet, where did bastie move the exterminatus room to?

Is there any brother who knows where the room or the keys are?

Been a while, cool that we're still doing this.

Carry on my brothers

Tampering?! We in the XI company call it IMPROVING! Everyone is a critic!

Any keys there by any chance? Or exterminatus weapons?

Rolled 2 (1d20)

Alright brothers I will venture on my own, I'll go left, what will bastie lead me to?

Rolled 19 (1d20)

Left again!

Eldar D-Scythe

Template, S D, AP 2, Heavy 1, Distort Scythe

Additional Traits: Refined (+1 S)

Brothers, i have been sent here to aid the combat effort, as my previous chapter said disowned me

Welcome brother! A scyth eh? Perhaps you belong under the command of captain fleshbane, a scythe is probably pretty good at RIPPING and TEARING

Rolled 6 (1d6)

>1 a ravenwing bike
>2 a contempor chassis
>3 a land raider
>4 some Eldar thing
>5 some other dread chassis
>6 thunderhawk

Hello Brother-Captain! What have you found toda...

...is that a thunderhawk?!
You should leave it as your personal, surely. I mean, if Cato Sicarius is allowed to own one, then you should be allowed too!
What will you name it, brother?

Speed Reid, in honor of the first marine to die under my command

Brother, didn't he die by falling down "the eternal flight of stairs" on a daemon world of Tzeench a few months back?

Oh, poor Brother Speed Reid. We warned him about stairs, we told him. I'm not actually sure if he's dead, maybe he just keeps falling down all these stairs for all eternity.

That's besides the point, I still feel guilty for pushing him down

Rolled 8 (1d20)

Alright, onwards with my adventure. I'll have the tech priests look at Speed Reid at later time

Rolled 18 (1d20)

Well I found some keys, not necessarily the right ones but I suppose they'll do. I'm guessing another left will lead me to the exterminatus weapons room.
>OOC
I personally think we should make it easier to run into obstacles (1-3 or 1-2)

>OOC
Yeah, lemme fix that.

Found Equipment Chart 2.0:
>1-3 — We are ambushed by a group of lesser daemons/tyranids/survived eldars/Horus himself etc.
>4-7 — We found nothing, oh well.
>8-12 — d3 of randomly generated items.
>13-17 — 2d3 of randomly generated items.
>18 — a suit of relic power armor.
>19 — a working vehicle or a dreadnought chassis.
>20 — a Holy Relic.

>OOC
so shit I found some relic power armour. What should it be like?

>OOC
Use this perhaps?
1d4chan.org/wiki/Power_Armour_Creation_Tables

>OOC
That's perfect, in my opinion.

Alright so I rolled a 2, 5, 10, 3, 6

So it's MK. III crusade armour so it's old as fuck the blood of a marine is soaked in the inside of it, there is no known history of the armor it's been struck from the records, it definitely has alien tech in it, and the machine spirit makes sure everything hits with maximum force and devestation, and the battle has somehow never lost a battle despite having no known history.

>OOC so the alien fuckery HAS to be Necron because it's me. And now I really got to find away to hide from the mechanicus now

>OOC
A good paintjob can hide anything

Agreed, mainly black and it has green highlights. Perfect

Rolled 15 (1d20)

Brothers I have located a forgotten storag ecloset, let's open it!

>OOC
Storage closet* I guess I am pathetic at spelling as well..

Rolled 3, 2 = 5 (2d3)

I found some items brothers. I just need to count how many

I have found;

>EMP Grenades

>Auspex

>Tyranid Bonesword
> S User, AP 3, Lifedrain (Instant Death on To Wound of 6)
>Additional Traits: Instant Death, Haywire

>Locator Beacon

>Conversion Beamer
>Additional Traits: Scoped (+1 BS), Armourbane

Quite the haul...

Rolled 10 (1d20)

Oh! Another Auspex and locator beacon!
If you don't need them, just throw them in the box labeled "Useless Junk".

And now, let me see if I can find anything useful.

Rolled 3 (1d3)

Better than nothing, I guess...

>Iron Halo

>Lascannon
>Additional Traits: Monster Hunter

>Relic Blade
>Additional Traits: Fleshbane, Armourbane

Hey! That's a pretty nice blade! You could even say that it is...

...The Baneblade.

Alright so what kind of necrons tech is in my armor?

Maybe it has parts made of necrodermis?

Brothers! I am sure this thread is dead but if anyone is listening then I apologize for suddenly quitting my terminal gained sentience and bluescreened