How do I explain to a friend the way that each 40k army plays in a few words so he will know what he would want to play?

How do I explain to a friend the way that each 40k army plays in a few words so he will know what he would want to play?

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No army really plays a single way save Orks (which is 'fucking lose bitch'). Even the stupid cheese shit like Necrons and Craftworld Eldar have multiple ways to go about playing, and even have non-douchebag builds people will actually play against.

Chaos Marines
>We brought knives to a gunfight, but we are fun, have nice models and varied playstyles, best faction to make a true "your dudes" thematic army

Spehss Murheens
>Bland. Whole lotta options, whole lotta polyvalence. But a bit dull IMHO

Guard
>Either METAL BAWKSES with much dakka or tons of infantry with even moar DAKKA

Tau
>Sit down and fire those guns, son. Not much else to say. Big firepower but yeah, gotta love sitting down and pressin the trigger.

That's my 2cents

>Adepta Sororitas/SoB
An army of female paladins who like heat-based weapons like flamers and meltaguns. Also have faith powers.

>Cult Mechanicus
Extremely expensive but technologically superior army, centered mostly around dishing out tons of firepower from bulky and tanky units. Also have lots of cool science stuff.

>Astra Militarum/IG
WWII Soviet Russia; lots of great tanks and artillery along with shitty but numerous infantry.

>Blood Angels
Space Marines with an emphasis on speed as well as terrifying berserker units (Death Company).

>Chaos Daemons
Very random and unpredictable army which is VERY reliant on good dice rolls.

>Chaos Space Marines
A versatile army with good armor and arguably the best close combat character in the game. Like Space Marines, but with worse morale and more customizability (marks of chaos and such).

>Craftworld Eldar
A fast moving glass cannon army with lots of specialized units who need to work in tandem to cover each other's weaknesses. Arguably the best psykers in the game.

>Dark Angels
I don't know much about these guys, I've never played against them.

>Dark Eldar
Probably the worst beginner army in the game. The most glass canon-y glass cannons ever.

>Grey Knights
Similar to Cult Mech in that they field small numbers of extremely tough, badass units, except with a focus on psykers and anti-Daemon tactics instead of technology.

>Harlequins
I don't know much about these guys, I've never played against them.

>Imperial Knights
Pretty much an ally army; play them if you want to field nothing but superheavy walkers (like a Pacific Rim army).

>Inquisition
Another ally army, best known for their extremely customizable units, but low unit variety.

>Khorne Daemonkin
The ultimate berserker army. Nothing but hard-hitting close combat monsters.

>Militarum Tempestus
A special-forces army. Small numbers of highly trained and well-equipped human soldiers who deploy from aircraft and light ground transports.

continued

You can explain all of them in three easy words: "read the codex"

>Necrons
(Mostly) slow, impossible-to-kill units and fucktons of firepower.

>Orks
The honey badgers of 40k. Hordes of easy-to-kill units that hit like a truck once they reach melee.

>Space Marines
Probably the best beginner army. Jack of all trades; master of none.

>Space Wolves
Space marine vikings with an emphasis on customizability. Also have access to lots of cool kek unique wargear, like helfrost weapons.

>Tau Empire
If the Astra Militarum are an LMG, the Tau are a Sniper Rifle; they specialize in dealing fucktons of damage to single targets, but lack AOE and artillery weapons. Also have access to customizable battlesuits.

>Tyranids
The zerg, except cooler. Tons of weak, cheap monsters backed up by bigger, scarier monsters.

You could also refer him to the 1d4chan tactics pages; those have pretty good army synopses:
1d4chan.org/wiki/Category:Warhammer_Tactics

>Orks
>Hit like a truck once they reach melee
Well if you're referencing a Trukk, which is like throwing a paper airplane at your enemy, sure. Strength 3 fucks em' over hard.

Just realized I forgot to mention

>Skitarii
Medium infantry who trade transport vehicles for faster infantry units. Rely on specialized units similar to the Craftworld Eldar, but not to the same extent.

...

>Space Marines
>Jack of all trades, master of none

You meant "Jack of all trades master of all" I assume ?

>Orks
> honey badgers of 40k. Hordes of easy-to-kill units that hit like a truck once they reach melee.
Maybe back in the days of 3rd or 4th edition. Not with their current book, however. They're just a horde army that can't shoot worth shit, can't fight in close combat worth shit, and no longer has any business being in the game.

>Marines
A colorful "make your own mary sues" faction that is rammed down every player's throat as long as they play the game.

>specific chapter marines
An army of -insert theme here- space marines.

>chaos
The "true" bad guys of the setting. They come in three flavors, marines, daemons, and strawberry.

>Eldar
Space Protoss Elves. And the I-Win button, usually.

>Tau
Stand back and shoot battletech goats.

>Tyranids
The love-child of xenomorphs and zerg.

>Dark Eldar
Bad space elf protoss, with more spikes and less I-Win.

>Ad-Mech
Catholicism meets IT-department.

>Imperial Guard
'Murrica! In the future! With 1939 tank designs!

>Necrons
Space undead robot skeletons, from egypt.

>Orks
Junkyard Wars meets fantasy Orcs, hammering away at an I-Lose button.

>Imperial Knights
I only want only 3 to 5 models, and don't mind paying $120+ for each one!

No Crimson Slaughter?

Chaos Marines
>Bland. Whole lotta options, whole lotta polyvalence. But a bit dull IMHO

Space Marines
>Bland. Whole lotta options, whole lotta polyvalence. But a bit dull IMHO

Or.

Chaos Marines
>We brought knives to a gunfight, but we are fun, have nice models and varied playstyles, best faction to make a true "your dudes" thematic army

Space Marines
>We brought knives to a gunfight, but we are fun, have nice models and varied playstyles, best faction to make a true "your dudes" thematic army

Be fair. They're nearly the same thing after all.

>Orks
Only the GREATEST FUCKING FACTION in the entire fucking game. Whatever the fuck you want to play, orks got more than what you wanted.
>Firepower out the ass
Ork weapon technology is INSANE. They can wrap a shoestring around a rock painted red and it's suddenly a fucking RAILGUN.
>Toughest, biggest, baddest, motherfuckers
Ork, motherfucker, DO YOU SPEAK IT?! Then you know what I'm saying, cause these orks are so resilient to damage it's like watching OJ Simpson fit the glove all over again.
>Win, WIN, WIN AGAIN
What is losing? Losing ain't no country I ever heard of, and it's not even in the fucking ork vocabulary, so you better get your green on, cause the ork is always greener on the other side GREEN IZ DA BEST WAAAGH
>Fucking total annihilation
Do you know which one is the ork codex? It's the one that says BAD MOTHERFUCKER. Orks are so fucking deadly in melee that the GW lawyers had to sue themselves for RAPING THE OTHER FACTIONS IN THE ASS WITH POWERKLAWS
>THEY ARE FUCKING GREEN
GREEN
R
E
E
N
if you buy an ork army you will get raped by everyone

Space marines: Frat boys
CSM: Edgy frat boys
Orks: Cheerful niggers
Guard: Ordinary army
Tyranids: Hungry bugs
Eldar: Space elves
Dark Eldar: Edgy space elves
Tau: Space communists
Demons: Demons
Necrons: Space undead
Sisters: Nobody plays this
All else: Niche shit, not real armies.

Nice try ! But I guess it comes from me not making my point right

CSM are more flavorful than codex marines in terms of fluff, imo, you really have a variety of religion/motive, Most of the time they BECOME their role (think oblits and stuff) while loyalists just take different guns/equipment and keep on being good old Big E's boys (I am speaking of pure C:SM marines)
The second thing is models, as both ranges are nice, but chaos has more flavor than a simple "hey look, my wargear's different !"

You tried to bait me upon saying that C:SM had the same difficulties to bring a huge firepower to the gunfight which is 40k, but I guess that's just because you never played against a gravspam list, so I'm not keen on shattering your illusions ;)

>Whatever the fuck you want to play, orks got more than what you wanted
Including casualties and games lost!

>wanting to get a friend into WH40k
Great idea. Why not do some heroin together as well?

>CSM
>versatile
I fucking wish

Orkz are Kids Next Door meets Mad Max and green body paint.

;)

>Opinion discarded.

>Space Marines
Bit more tactics based, pretty good melee and range

>Imperial Guard
Uses all the tanks

>Eldar
Hit and run

>Dark Eldar
Edgy hit and run

>Tau
Shoot them before they get you

>Tyranids
Get them before they shoot you

>Orks
WAAAGH!

>Necrons
Just walk forward