Hey Veeky Forums, I come to you from my utopian elven realm to ask you for advice.
The human kingdoms that border our realm have been breeding like animals and are now slowly expanding into our woodland realm, and have begun cutting down the forests to make way for farmland. Something about their king "wanting to show the elves how humans deal with their kind." They are hungry yes, but their killing all the game, and cutting down all the trees is just going to lead to even more starvation than before, possibly even destroying their civilization.
We keep trying to tell them that clearing this forest will cause a dustbowl that will make their current food shortage look like nothing in comparison, but these humans know nothing about ecology or sustainable forestry and think we're just "being a bunch of tree-huggers out to protect the trees."
I have half a mind to send our mages, knights, and archers to burn down their lumber mills, line their heads up on pikes, and maybe burn down a city or two to teach them a lesson, but I'm feeling merciful.
What would the best way to go about doing this be?
Usurp the human kingdoms and establish elven dominance?
Landon Butler
>They are hungry yes, but [s]their[/s] killing all the game..
*they're
Also, they don't wait on nature to feed them; they force nature to do their bidding. They have domesticated wolves they call "dogs" for companionship and hunting, as well as mass herds of controlled cattle and goats as another source of nutrition.
Crazy thing is, Nature herself seems to bow down to them.
Isaac Powell
Maybe you should divorce Merkel the Terror Queen and things will get better?
Otherwise prepare for a lot of dead trees and crying elves.
Aaron Garcia
1 Grap lots of seeds 2 get a bunch of animals 3 get some Druids 4 go find the ocean 5 have Druids do ritual magic to create moving island with fertile soil and lakes 6 plant seeds have Druids cast magic on them to make them grow really fast 7 put animals on island and let them breed 8 fuck off and profit
Thomas Gutierrez
Do not take us for a bunch of inbred hicks. We know about agriculture, the raising and keeping of livestock, and the arts of forestry and horticulture. We just take everything slower than you humans do.
Their reckless attempt to break in instead of using nature is going to destroy both of our civilisations, what with the impending dustbowl and drought they're going to cause.
David Rodriguez
Just don't give a fuck and follow this plan my liege
Asher Roberts
Build a wall.
Elijah Lee
Assassinate their king, replace him with a changeling, and turn their kingdom into a subordinate puppet state with no one being any the wiser.
Hunter Reed
We tried your plan. We traveled hundreds of miles to the ocean, created these magical islands, and gave them to the human kingdom.
Then the other human nations show up in their battleships and promptly steal the islands, take all the food, and sell it to the inland kingdoms at inflated prices, which does nothing to alleviate the famine.
Angel Bennett
Use their bodies as fertilizer to regrow the trees
Owen Barnes
Humans have terrible hygiene and almost no healing magic. Create a magical plague that wipes them out.
Zachary Ward
Well then,may I ask what did you do to piss off the entire human race?
Landon Williams
I meant to live on the island and let the humans fuck themselves over as we laugh in our elven utopia floating in the sea
Nicholas Lopez
Nothing. The human coastal nations are in a war with each other, and we just created the richest islands on the coast, so they promptly seized them. As I write this, human armies are clashing on the islands for control, and are promptly ruining all our hard work.
We've lived in these forests since we first awakened in the ancient days, the gods themselves blessed this land for us to live in. We'll lose our immortality if we leave.
Jaxon King
>magical island >can't even hide it with magic >can't even protect it with magic >can't even blast these dayflies away with magic I propose we vote for a new king!
Ryder Garcia
Tell the humans our plight and how we can trade them food and lumber if they stop fucking up they ecosystem and our immortality as we slowly start setting up elven supremacy until we rule there society assuming we have food to spare we should also start setting up peace talks also mention how the merchants are fucking over everyone by overpricing the food
Gavin Baker
It's not our job to protect human lands if we set up new islands we put natural defenses and they must agree to give up all there claims to our lands
Jaxson Sanchez
Establish magic floating island for your kind and let them kill them selves of while you keep your domain safe and mobile to boot.
Logan Flores
No user, you blast those humans away with magic. Do you want to tell me that we spend all our research on magic without using it?
Jose Nelson
Dustbowl? I've seen them bleeding water from the ground in the driest of climates.
As I said, they use Nature like a tool, but they are careful not to break things... usually.
Quit focusing on the trees, look at the forest.
Juan Mitchell
We start getting involved in there war send 2 of our best mates see all the fuckery that insues start getting involved in human politics slowly start setting up elf supremacy take over
I imagine our mages our super strong as they had centuries to train and hone there craft
Justin Murphy
We blast there enemy and start the take over with trade and diplomacy causing the war to stop
Jackson Roberts
Hey king what's the power level of our mages? Particularly the strongest
Thomas Howard
Capable of blowing holes in armies with ease. But requires a ritual and plenty of mages to destroy cities.
David Taylor
When they finish cutting the trees, the land won't be able to sustain half the people currently living there. I know about desert nomads, but we're talking about cities here.
Brandon Thompson
Finish the sentence; it's "r killing all the game, and cutting down all the trees is[...]"
It's grammatically correct because the sentence is about their actions. Without 'their' the sentence is:
>They are hungry yes, but THEY ARE killing all the game, and cutting down all the trees IS just going to lead to even more starvation than before, possibly even destroying their civilization.
Again: the sentence was using a possessive to refer to their actions.
Wyatt Edwards
Well then send 5 mages specialized in fucking over navies after the first few battles start peace meetings bringing up the over pricing of food and lack of knowledge on how an ecosystem works slowly start taking over the kingdom next to us by getting involved in politics until we take over
Charles Ortiz
"A food shortage you say? Population strains? Sounds like you need a gardener; see, I just happen to be such a harvestman. Now, just plant this seed by the light of the new moon... yes I did say new moon... now listen closely, you'll need to wet the roots daily till mid harvest.
Yes, with blood, no it doesn't need to be a person's blood, but it needs to be sticky-red and glistening. When the trunk grows strong and the fruit grow ripe you'll have what you need.
Of course, it should be a safely self-terminating crop, but you DO needs this, yes? Good doing buisness with you... and remember, no regrets. It's my policy as the harvestman, complete global satisfaction."
Thomas Edwards
WE don't need this the humans do
Luis Long
Stop being wood elf fags?
Sincerely, High Elves
Asher Long
OOOH DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SOOO GOOD
WITH YOUR POLISHED FINGERNAILS AND HIGH MAGIC AND CIVILIZATION AND STUFF
OUR TREES ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS
Lincoln Robinson
Okay let me say one thing we're all elf favs wether your a high elf in your citadel or a wood elf in your forest or a dark elf in your chasm we're all the supreme race and we need to put these pigs in the skin of men in there place
Jason Young
With that said how did you high elf fags deal with the humans? We're currently planning a long gambit that will lead to us claiming supremacy and becoming the ruling class
Carson Rivera
>or a dark elf in your chasm No, it's not that I'm racist or something, but statistically they are more prone to do crimes. I don't want them near my children. Anyones children.
Bentley Young
The Humans have just gotten into a bloody succession crisis and are now killing each other in their hundreds. How good of the monkeys to do the killing for us.
Anthony Turner
Look man life's hard for a dark elf. They have to deal with cuthulu bullshit and dwarves coming to fuck there asses every month. Sometimes they can't even have orgies! What would you do if you were deprived of your monthl elven orgy!
Jack Taylor
Listen King we need to have our elven Knights run in there and save the day establishing elf rule,but first have some elven spies see what the war is about
Lincoln Scott
That's no excuse, I hadn't had an elven orgy in years and I'm not starting to summon some demons because of my frustration. Killing some humans here and there is enough.
Connor Smith
What type of elf are you? There's no way an elf can survive more than 3 months without an orgy!
Henry Mitchell
And demon summoning is just some dwarves war propaganda why would an elf belive that?
Jacob Rivera
I killed a lot of humans
Don't tell me the spooky lights and screams that come out of their holes are not because of summoning demons.
Alexander Edwards
That's them either 1. Having an orgy or 2.dealing with eldritch bullshit
Anthony Nelson
Oh I see your one of them newfangled blood elves with the blood magics and the purging
Justin Gutierrez
>2.dealing with eldritch bullshit That they caused themselves. What are you, some kind of drow-apologist?
Juan Jones
Yes
Juan Smith
Maybe all of you could fucking die already? You fucking tree loving, wine drinking, metrosexual, not stone worshiping fags.
It is a high time for your excuse of the race to finally go extinct and make room for civilized races that can use and appreciate good forged tools, while understanding the commerce.
I hope you choke on the axe. Ancestors curse you. Worst regards -High King Grimmir the Grim of the Mountain Holds.
PS. That beardless stupid manlings are doing great job in cutting down that forest, will be much easier to establish open-pit mine without that trees.
Ethan King
I hope nobody replies to that butthurt manlet above my post.
Henry Sullivan
Shut the fuck up dwarf! You mad that the gods didn't give you immortality? That you aren't an elf anymore?
Julian Cruz
Do you want to get into the Book of Grudges? Because that's how you get into Book of Grudges
Ethan Robinson
What the fuck did I just tell you? Now he's ranting for hours! Don't you have any idea how much impotent rage such a tiny body can hold?
Julian Davis
Fine you back off I back off we're the tree fuckers your the rock wankers lets not fight our fetishs can live in peace
Julian Wilson
lLets just all take a deep breathe and calm down we like our ancestral lands you like your ancestral lands no grudges lets just stay away from each other
Oliver King
Pssst. Pssst.
Okay, hear me out. You know those swamps nobody wants to live in, and are thus neutral territory?
What you want to do is call for a meeting of all the heads of state involved here, and put everyone under a magical compulsion to prevent them from attacking each other or anything else.
In fact, tell them to leave their weapons at home.
Then, you come to an agreement that leaves everyone with more than they came with. Have everyone bring treasure from their vaults to seal the deal.
It'll go great, I promise.
Parker Garcia
One question cutebolds or dogbolds?
Gabriel Reyes
King can we stop sitting on our asses and do something? Now the perfect time to claim dominance!
Asher Torres
We butchered our enemies like dogs before they grew into a power that could threaten us, then allied ourselves with more reasonable human factions. They make excellent mercenaries.
Alexander Barnes
All solid approaches.
Either we adapt and take them over from the inside (humans have a need to be ruled, but also need the fantasy that they can become the rulers if they work hard enough). They also worship money, and are incredibly short sighted and selfish.
I suggest we make a large variety of elven run organizations and merchant companies, and integrate them into human society.include humans in the organizations and let them have like middle management positions. Let a few of them "earn" their way up even higher.
Set up the structure and rules of these organizations to strive for the same things we strive for.
Basically, Make the humans wish they were woodelves, and change their culture from the inside/take advantage of their culture for our benefit .
Sincerely, Ta'ellalalafindorathil, "CEO" of SylvCorp, and heir to house Aenrethas.
Kayden Torres
Trees are only good for fuel and aesthetics. Stone walls are much better at keeping enemies out. You should trade with the dwarves; they're happy to trade secrets for gold and their desire for lumber is almost inexhaustible.
Camden Russell
Sorry. Either we adapt and absorb them from within, or we exterminate them completely and leave no survivors.
There are no other options.
Samuel Walker
>or we exterminate them completely and leave no survivors I like this idea.
Jordan Garcia
Humans are mortal, so they periodically change kings. Wait for an opportune moment and trigger a succession crisis and civil war. Then help them drag it out, and get them to abandon their rules of war and kill each other's women and children. All the while, conceal your involvement, even try to make offers to broker a peace based on trust and loving fellowship.
When things get bad, hit them with a plague. Cholera is perfect.
Meanwhile, replant the forest and push the villagers back. Then when you approach a fortress, plant drive trees and wait for their roots to crumble the foundations.
Finally, side with the most elf-friendly faction and loan them a few of your best people as adventurers. Let them be heroes against whatever local evils there are. Once their reputation as heroes is established, they'll seize the throne, marry a chick you put with their group, and sire a line of elf-friendly kings.
Figure 20 years and the problem will be solved.
Robert Rogers
Okay dwarf here's why we stay in these woods they grant us immortality. If we leave we can die. I'm pretty sure we can give you some wood for stone not the special trees. I hope you understand why we don't want humans fucking our trees now
Liam Parker
>short-sighted
To youz stinkin' elves, maybe! Ever think da rest of us act so quick 'cuz we don't got no time to sits around and sit on our thumbs fer a hundred years, smokin' leaf an' gettin' naked? We gotz work ta get done!
Youz just gets ta have all the good stuff, don'cha? Lives fereva, don't eva gets sick, nature just gives youz anythin' ya want, AND ya get to be born with magic? What were the gods thinkin', makin' youz a buncha special snowflakes, huh? Never had ta work a day in yer thousand-year lives just ta keep da mice outta yer food or da wolves offa yer beds! No, they LIKE you! Never had ta look after the sick an' weak!
Well, dat's it! You go ahead an' try yer little tricks on da humans! An' once they're outta da way and youz think youz safe? We'll be waitin' in every corner ta remind ya what it feels like ta bleed!
Buncha spoiled brats, all of youz!
Logan Richardson
I'm no stunty, forestfag. And that thing about the trees granting your immortality? It's propaganda you've been fed. If it were true, how are high elves like myself immortal?
Alexander Cox
Btw, being mortal and short-lived, humans can't be trusted to make deals. You sign a treaty and 20 years later the king is dead. MAYBE his successor abides by it. Within a century, the whole treaty will be forgotten pretty much no matter what you do.
Individual humans can be trusted to keep their word, maybe more so than elves. But deals don't survive between generations, so there's not much point in trying.
Joshua Howard
This will work if they stop fucking with our trees if not we plague them instantly ask for one of the infected so we can find a cure wait like 2 years give them cure rinse and repeat every time telling them don't fuck our trees as we replant new ones until they get the message if not spark civil war give plague to non elf friendly faction come in kill them then convert friendly faction to our good setting up domination
Jayden Hughes
You have your citadel we have our forest. can we please not fight last time we fought it lasted 3 centuries
Robert Bailey
Unlike you, they actually need shelter. You know what happens when they don't build houses out of wood, or the stone that's under the trees you love so much?
Animals eat their babies and steal their food.
Do you know what that's like? Of course you don't.
Aaron Davis
Listen you cane dig the stone from the earth use that as your housing we don't care. Just. Don't. Fuck. Our. Forest. You cand what you want with the other forest we don't care just don't fuck our and we'll be good
Caleb Lee
>What would the best way to go about doing this be?
How about you fuck off you prissy elven cockmuncher.
>he thinks humans are so stupid as to not know about sustainable farming What are orchards, you bleeding idiot.
Julian Green
Why hello good sir goblin!
I'll have you know I got where i am today through hard work and dedication, and you can too!
All it takes is the right attitude, some elbowgrease, and you can have your very own success story to share!
Build a better life your your family! Save for a comfortable retirement! Easy better food! Live in a nice safer neighborhood! Excellent medical and dental plans!
Live the Drannorean dream!
Come work for elfcorp today!
Evan Barnes
So gift the good human kings and nobles with immortality contingent on us maintaining it for them.
Caleb Davis
Dey don't know da struggle of da workin gobs. We been da whippin boyz since day 1! It's time for us gobos to whip them!
Benjamin Davis
This idea merits more attention.
Engineer a plague that everyone carries. Make the treatment be regular exposure to large trees. Small trees and other plants have to be ineffective.
Suddenly they stop overforesting, and instead make new forests themselves!
Connor Davis
>teach humans to grow the fast growing home-trees. >give them a bunch of different needs of home-trees, including the interconnected ones. It's not hard.
Connor Nguyen
Different breeds*
Landon Cook
>Human cities gradually become more and more forested, with multistory and interconnected living hometrees the humans have been taught to cultivate. >No more deforestation. >No more dust storms in the cities.
I don't see why we can't just share our home-tree tech. Sell it at a reasonable price to their architects, become their best trading partners.
Thomas Martinez
That pic I used to play woodelves I'm still pissed that they destroyed the fantasy setting.
Charles Gonzalez
Except nature doesn't do their bidding.
Even today humans are routinely BTFO by nature.
Humans are arrogant but they are as fragile as their egos when confronted with the full might of nature.
Lucas Martinez
>Even today humans are routinely BTFO by nature. U fuckin wut m8?
Nathaniel Myers
Can ye damned Elves stop tryin' to interfere wit' us? We're cuttin' dowm the trees so we can farm 'n' feed ourselves! 'en we 'ave time we'll plant some tree gardens, but we need the farmland. 'Ere's a reason ye Elves are a dyin' breed, too slow wit' everythin'. Now let me get back to me crops...
Caleb Gonzalez
Hurricane Katrina. 2011 Pacific earthquake/tsunami. California wildfires.
Andrew Butler
Put your farm somewhere else!
Bentley Morris
Oh come on, why don't we just kill all the humans! They're ruining my flowers!
Nathan Powell
Population Cull it is! Who's up for a sterility plague!?
Jordan Nguyen
A'ight you'ze pointy eared gitz, I'ze think I'ze see da problem 'ere.
You'ze gotta krump da 'ummies.
Dez gitz thinks dey 'r so smart wit dere "tek-no-lo-gee, but dey ain't no that orc kulture is da best!
Soz we krump 'im
Now me an' da boyz ain't got no problems. Just start krumpin dem and all yer problems be A-OK.
Sinc..... Sincer..... Sinseriul..... I really meanz it
Big boss Skarfang
Jayden Roberts
No we must go farther start stealing children ample women and strong men about 500 will do keep the most beautiful women as sex slaves and let the others breed until taking the mos beautiful offspring for our selves affect the rest of the humans with a plague that makes them infertal and kills them or turns them into beast which they than have to kill this causes the destruction of there Kingdom. If we want we can probably steal more humans
Brayden Perez
>human women >beautiful I don't think so.
Christopher Allen
>ground water. the founding thing of civilization. >only humans know of it. >this fucking ass clown thinks having water stops a dusbowl. I want the humanity fuck yeahs to fucking leave.
Josiah Powell
Human woman do have amazing butts. And are a lot less bitchy.
