Meanwhile, on /dragon/

It's a long term investment. I mean, sure, I could kill them... But if I let them live, then they go around telling other people how they won this awesome magic sword or whatever after completing the dragons challenge. And I get loads more people rolling up, and loads more lose than win. Plus some do try to fight me and that's always a laugh.

>they try to fight you
I hear ya. Those cocky adventures that walk up and instantly attack? They don't realize that I have everything planned out.

You are all doing it wrong. You got to run for mayor of a town. Sure, you have to deal with the annoying shits all the time. But stop one orc invasion and they practically worship you.

Run the place well enough and eventually they GIVE YOU GOLD TO RULE. Just make sure the town can become a center of trade and in a few centuries, you'll have a hoard large enough to make any she-dragon swoon.

>ruling over only a small town
fuck i rule a whole damn kingdom and none of them caught on with me being a god damn dragon.
its incredible.
i'm telling you nothing beats being a literal god king telling the little folk what to do, getting free taxes, going to war and subsequently conquering more places to get more gold, transforming to a slightly different look once in a while so they think the kings dead long live the new king.
its incredible how dumb these small people are, this kingdom thing might be the biggest scam ever conceived.

IS THAT THE INSIPID STENCH OF A METALLIC DRAGON I SMELL?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, METALFAG.

FUCK DRAGONS
FUCK ALL OF YOU
I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU
I SHOWED UP TO THE MOUNT ON THE 5TH, AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU SPARK-VOMITING FAT LIZARDS SHOWED UP

>He actually showed up

Hahahahaha, I cannot believe you fell for that.

FUCK YOU
MY RAGE BURNS HOTTER THAN ANY DRAGON FIRE
I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO DUST AND USE THEM TO FERTILIZE THE HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF FARMS YOUR KIND HAVE RAZED

Okay get this
What if
We destroy THIS universe
Then make another universe JUST FOR US?

See, I don't mess around with the whole disguise thing. I mean, why bother? You just gotta play by their rules until you make the rules.

And once they're on your side, the humans take pride in being ruled by something they know will never die. Knowing that their great grand children's way of life will be the same as theirs seems to be a cherished comfort. And other "kings" are very reluctant to start problems they know they'll never finish.

>BE RETARDED MEAT BAG
>HURR DURR I'LL GO KILL THE GREATEST CREATURE ON EARTH
>GET FUCKING DESTROYED BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FAGGOT
>ENTIRE REST OF RACE BECOMES UBER BITCH BECAUSE THE BIG MEAN SUPERIOR DRAGON FUCKING WHOOPED THEIR GARBAGE HUTS
STILL LIVIN' THE DREAM BOYS, 500000 GP AND COUNTING

Fucking human fetishists are ruining every thread.

Get with the era, dude. The dragon on dragon wars are a thing of the past. I used to hate Chromatics but now I just don't see the point. Why shit on each other when there are so many lesser species in the world? As well as pretenders like fucking Hydra. I had one of those many-headed freaks try to join my local Draconic Forum, can you believe that shit?

Don't forget wyverns.

Bahamut's balls, I wish I could forget Wyverns.

These fucking adventurers keep killing my kobolds. Sure they breed fast, but it seems like very time I turn around half of them are dead. Who's supposed to bring me my treasure?

Speaking of kobolds, how do you guys raise yours? I just don't seem to have much like. Mine keep getting infected with diseases or running low on food. The last ones I had died to scalerot. Any good tips or tricks for kobold raising you all could share?

I found the best way to solve this problem- Make them sexy. Well, to those filthy bipeds anyway.

It took a couple of tries before I got it right, but then I shaped all my local minions into... I think they call them 'monstergirls' and 'monsterboys'?

Adventurers still cause problems and kill the ones who fight back, but long term I've ended up with more minions than I started with. The bloodlines are a bit diluted by this point, but I'm getting minions with some interesting natural abilities by this point. I'm thinking of starting a breeding program, trying to cultivate particular traits.

So my draco-therapist prescribed some kobolds to keep me company, I mean there pretty simple minded but there cute and great fun to have around. One day when I was counting my horde a group of adventures came in and KILLED ALL MY KOBOLDS. When they got to my lair they demanded me to give them all of my treasure. Naturally I told them to fuck off and killed half of them, But get this, they called an entire crusade on me! I'm just a young dragon I can't deal with an entire army! So I have a question for you guys, do you know a good place for a young dragon to live?

Do you have any living parents? If so, I have a great scheme.

Get a relative to watch your horde for you, and then go into human form. Yeah, I know it's kinda icky, but you can use it to join the crusade/adventuring party/whatever. Get advanced info, maybe even learn a few things... And then you get the amazing moment during the final attack when you transform back right in the middle of them. The look in their eyes is priceless.

Look man I left my parents after they let a fucking hydra into my private chambers. There a disgrace to all dragonkind. And besides the humans have a Mage who can detect lies so if I tried to trick them they would figure me out

The original NEET

>ever lowering your spell resistance around a primate

So /dragon/, I know you're rightfully going to call me a faggot for this, but I think I might have something wrong with me.

Lately everything feels so pointless. I spent thousands of years building my horde. It has items so rare that nobody but I knows they exist, mountains of gold so large I could easily hide my massive form behind them several times over, ancient artifacts of power so great that they could probably put a dent in a god if I wanted to. Over the years I've had many offspring, killed dozens of pathetic "rivals", even personally met fucking Tiamat once. I've done literally everything a dragon could do.

But what do I do now? I just sit inside and sleep on my horde. I've been doing that for almost five years now.

I tried kidnapping a princess and making ransom demands the other week, just to keep my blood pumping again, but my heart just wasn't in it. I actually caught her sneaking away and I couldn't even muster the energy to immolate her or anything. I just let her walk off, like I was a fucking nervous hatching.

I'm ancient and powerful, and I hate it. I hate myself.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? This is so pathetic and dishonorable that I'm honestly considering flying as high as I can and dropping down head-first. I mean, shit, that probably won't even kill me, but I don't think I'll have the energy for anything else.

>Look man I left my parents after they let a fucking hydra into my private chambers.

Maaaaan, you fucked up. That's one of the oldest tricks in the book. It's a test of a young dragons self respect. You're meant to tear whatever trots into your realm to shreds and take a trophy or two, instead of pussying out like a little bitch.

Vist you local Draco-therapist they should be able to help you

I ate the fuck out of it,stole a third of my dads horde,pissed on the rest, and defacated on his books and then flew away

>ate the fuck out of it

He's a goddamn hydrafucker.

please don't purge me I didn't fuck it I swear

Maybe you should've thought of that before polishing the tile on that hydra hooker your parents hired.

There was no hydra hookers please don't purge me

kek

Pssst. Psssst.

Why not glamer your hoard to make it look like it was all illusory, and then tell them you actually keep your treasure in the nearby swamp out of paranoia? They'll believe every word!

trust me the ones actually worth their salt know, there are some passably smart little ones, like the ones with the pointy ears, at least those lot are essentially immortal until you eat them.
thing is most of them are dumb, i mean incredibly dumb, holy hell the small people are dumb, letting all of them know your a high god damn dragon will get them on your ass and throws the whole thing in the shredder, thats why you only tell the smart ones.
i think the best part is if they know your a dragon and they try to guess what the shit type you are according to their small feeble conventions.

hydra plz, you need to be at least 100,000 years old to be on here so that you lot evolve into multiheaded dragons like the lot under that tiamat chick.

I will have you know I was spawned by the Beast of Lernaea himself! He who now sits among the stars! He who was slain only by the mightiest of demigods!

Δεν τολμούσα να γελάνε μαζί μου!

Adventurer here, I recently died and the party couldn't afford resurrection so they had to do one of those reincarnation spells instead. Apparently stuff happened that doesn't usually happen because I ended up coming back as a red wormling or however you say it.

I'm kinda getting used to the body but I'm having a lot of trouble with the fire breath, it just starts coming out on its own and it feels like I'm throwing up when it happens. I nearly killed our rogue and the party don't want me sleeping near the camp anymore. How do I make it stop?

Go back to Macebook, humanfag.

REEEEEEEEEE

...that was supposed to be about this post:

Goddamn claws.

You realize being a dragon is a sweet ass gift right? I mean as you grow older you get serious magic just by Fucking around, you live forever, you can fly naturally, you can roast shit heads. Become ungodly strong just by chilling and you can get as much God damn loot as you want without really trying, I don't even know why you would want to be anything else.

>hoarding gold when you can hoard human innocence
Pleb, please, this is so XX century...

>hoarding ephemeral garbage like innocence
>not hoarding tangible stuff that will last millennia
Chromatic, plz.

>full thread of adventures butthurt over pile of gold
>Bbut muh physical things, my valuables...
And what point of collecting lasting things? They will be here even without you keeping them here. But innocence on the other hand... one blink and its gone. One blink and love, hate, pride, laugh is gone forevere. This things are more precious than your metal.

I'd be a lot happier about it if I knew how to turn off the fire.

Okay guys, I've had an idea and I wanted to ask you to know if it's shit or not.

The thing is, that I've always been thought that having a hoard and sleeping on it is what we do, the maximum achievement of a dragon. But I want to make my hoard grow, so I should raid villages and towns, kidnap princesses and kings and ask ransoms and so on.

But a young dragon also got to protect his shit, you know? So I followed the advice of my draco therapist and got myself a tribe of kobolds to protect my lair.

So far, though, I have to say that I'm not at all impressed. Sure, I managed to incinerate any adventurer group that made it past them, but it would be nice if I could have a good century of sleep, you know?

So I thought about training my kobolds. I want to try and make them stronger, teach them about making better traps, setting up better ambushes, carving out better pathways for the dungeon that only they can go through and all the like.

I also gave them a few magical items. Yes, I know, I should keep them, what is a hoard without them! Whatever.

My question is: should I continue training my kobolds? If anyone has any experience with this: what should I teach them?

i wish for once some humey would come in and try to raid my ass insted of my horde, so dam lonely here.

How big is your penis and how big kobold females is?
You know where im going with this.

I am not sure what you mean. And I don't think I want to get it...

Maybe if I cast enlarge person on her...

Ok let me explain. Hired tribe - Ok. Tribe that worships you as a god-father is better. + longer lives. + fire resist. + Occasional dracokobold magi and winged commanders.

this, your literally only halfassing it if you don't have at least 1000 progeny across the lands by the time your considered an adult in dragon years.

My horde is a nationwide mages guild loyal to me.

It doesn't get raided. It's a thousand wizards.

I do alright btw.

You should exchange your gold and jewels for a more stable and safe horde.

I get that shiny things are fun to sleep on, but there's something to be said about a horde that guards itself as well as guards you, and grows itself with you simply managing it from time to time.

problem is that horde is completely fucked if a group of anti mages get uppity about your guild.
it actually happens in the area i'm in, thats why its safest using gold, cause at least if that goes its literally my own damn fault.

If someone gets uppity about my wizards, they deal with it themselves.

Part of their guild design is to make themselves useful to the public and the Kingdom, while avoiding controversy, to keep themselves well regarded in the country.

I wish kolbolds could survive in the cold, all I have are asshole goblins who smell and make everything disgusting. I have to keep the ones that try to steal from me frozen outside my hoard to get them to fuck off.
t. ice dragon

Can't you breed with the kobolds to make them ice-resistant?

Well, I used to have problems with adventurers, but then I remember advice of my grandpa.
I polymorphed into Dwarf and started a bank in human capital.
Now adventurers and other humanoids bring their gold to me.

The pointy eared ones are the worst. They think they're on your level. The ones called humans though, they're easy to impress. If you rule by their feeble convention of "justice" then they love you. And, if you're not messing around with that whole disguise business, you don't have to worry about someone stumbling on your identity.

Plus, it only takes a few generations to completely change the culture into one that reveres you. The smart ones, as you put it, are the ones you use to run the small matters you can't be bothered with. That way you know it won't get completely messed up. And if they're smart, the people will respect them. "Our immortal dragon-king appointed you, so you can't be a complete fraud," sort of thing.

Rule effectively enough and the people will destroy your enemies for you. Those fools who want to start a rebellion against you? The dumb ones will go and fight them because they've spent their whole life adoring you, their caring king, and cannot fathom the idea of their nation being governed by their fellows.

Win their hearts and minds. Forge them into your willing servants and the gold will flow. Step in only when you have to or on matters of culture. Then, it is easy to spend your time trying to figure out how to replace the rulers of creation.

There was this one namefag, Tucker, who turned his kobolds into living death machines. Dude was a fucking legend.

Did you do the whole, lend to nations fighting wars at interest they'll never be able to repay, trick? I hear that works well.

You have one option. Pick a god. Any god. Now spend your time trying to replace him/her/it. What could be better than all of reality as your hoard.

Or go debauched. That's always an option.

Hello fellow dragons.

How high was the god who thought your species should exist

Bitch please,we've existed before this world did

this, its pretty much a known secret that in order to actually be respected in our circles you've had to kill at least one god, otherwise your either inept or young and should keep your mouth shut in matters of importance.

>otherwise your either inept or young and should keep your mouth shut in matters of importance
.. So that's why they glared at me.

FUCK YOU ALADRITH DEMIGODS ARE GODS TOO

Wyrm here, yesterday I shape changed into a humey with the intention of capturing a princess to see who would rescue her. The plan was to allow her rescue and then to kill and assume the identity of her rescuer hoping to invade their royal family etc.

The thing is it worked too well. Now the princess has aspirations to be the queen, children the whole lot. The last thing I need is a family, a human family at that. The thing is I'd usually just kill the whole lot of them, but the horde man, it's fucking huge, and since I'm a bit older than most of you I don't really have the strength to raze pillage horde protect.

Wut do?

I know you browse here kazaaakpleth, stop eating my kobolds you seven headed fuck.

>chromaticfags
>thinking that they're real dragons
Topkek, get peirced by a seven foot adamantium arrow you degenerate fucks. Metallic is the undisputed master race.

>chromaticfags don't know shit about justice
lmfto

>mortals on /dragon/

Who /homeless/ here? Without a hoard in some cave to protect from adventurers I can roam the world, amassing knowledge instead of wealth. Too often have I seen my home-bound brothers robbed, injured and even killed by adventurers.

You should go for it man. And have lots of dragonkin spawn to protect your horde after you settle down.

But before that, make sure you have a nice she-dragon so your offspring can have your hoard after you pass from old age.

Half of them told me to come back here and the other half wanted to see pictures of my ass.

Don't fuck the lesser species. You wouldn't fuck a hydra would you? No you wouldn't that's what I thought. Now how much of the hoard can you carry?

>Some human shit sorceror comes into my lair
>Says I'm his great great great great whatever granddad
>Vaguely remember fucking some human bitch ten thousand years ago
>Ask him what he can do
>Breathes fire out of his mouth
>tfw I'm an ice dragon

I got cucked by a human.

That's not what cucked means, you mortal pissant.

Now fuck off back to peasan/tg/athering!

I can see both sides to this, having a clan makes sense, but that she dragon is another story, by my age all available SDs have such an enormous amount of baggage that it's just not worth it, but being with an inferior species sdoes not do it for me as well.. I'm just trying to live out the remainder of my century playing with my treasure and sleeping comfortably, preferably in my true form.

Ugggggggghhhh are there any Un damaged she dragons left? The ones on Drag-chat and ok-bahamut "let's hook up and check out your horde...." "Have, you caught my travel bug? Want to take me to the 666 plane of the abyss? I've only seen 665..."

Really? Maybe I should just take a nap for 200 years and see if this all blows over.

>drag-chat
That's not... that's not a dragon chatroom dude.

Oh shit! No wonder..

I'll just stick with OK-bahamut and Plenty of wyrms, anyone checked out wyrm friend finder?

You could just go for a younger SD. Some dig old Wyrms.

>all these softscale talking about sleeping on their hoard
Can't you just carry it with you like any respectable dragon? How weak are you shitheads?

While I'd like to believe this, this is factually untrue.

That last time I heard of something like this the younger she dragon did her typical shape changing antics to seduce the captain of the royal guard to attack him and steal his horde.

Well you know how that worked out. Raze, pillage, horde, protect except that he lost 75% of it in the dragvorce.

SD is somewhere as a queen of something and bitch is still on O-B

Poor-drag detected.

Wait how old are you because an average dragon lifespan is 500,000,000 and that's if you don't have a hoard

This is why you get together with metallic SDs and not chromatics! Because chromatics will fuck you over when it's most convenient for them!

Man keep to /dragonpol/

If you're looking for a she dragon don't bother with this nu male bullshit, stick to tradition.

There's nothing that gets a female wet faster than doing battle with her above the clouds before slamming her into a volcano and smashing that pussy while she tries to bite your throat out.

For purposes of this discussion I am over half way completed with my lifespan. And while I'd love to try new things and meet new dragons I always end up bored and uninspired.

So I just come to /dragon/ to share since I really can't do it irl.

You forgot the part when you burn down several villages and flatten a mountain mid coitus

Well said, but it's been a while, you know years...