Can we have a thread about shitty enchanted items?

Does it go "doo-doo-doo-doo-doo"?

>+1 Sword
It creates an extra sword, if you only have one sword.

>not the Sandstorm Saxaphone

>music box of pomf

I like gender-switching artifacts. They never fail to make players happy about the quality of the campaign.

[X] of True Sight
The user's vision is filled with the word "TRUE" in all-caps

Pegleg of Feline Agility

Head of Vecna

>The legendary Dubstep Digideroo

>Helm of Rigid Invincibility
Helm cannot be damaged or destroyed. However, it does not absorb or disperse any force that strikes it and instead passes it completely to the wearer.

>Fountain of Quirkiness
Any character that drinks from this fountain gets 1 randomly chosen quirk, such as aversion to a random food or a randomly generated phobia, that may or may not ever come up. The fountain is spring fed and will not run out of water, but each quart of water consumed results in an additional quirk (2 per day if used as the sole source of water).

>Ring of Poison Immunity
The ring itself is immune to all poisons.

>Pillow of Garlic and Onions
Whosoever rests their head upon this pillow shall cry tears from their eyes and sweat a perfume of roasted garlic in while they sleep.

Well, if I ever need to seduce hairy Italian chicks, I know what to use the night before.

>Ring of Protection from Detection Magic
The ring cannot be detected or scried by any magic. It is physically there. But according to all the magic in all the world, there is nothing but void in its place.

>Deck of Many Post-it Notes
Each note is of something completely unrelated to your character and the campaign.

Spidered rum - Upon reaching a point of inebriation the drunkard gains the ability to walk upon walls and ceilings at half their usual pace. This often leads to painful if not lethal falls as the bumbling drunkards rarely remember to keep at least 1 foot planted to the wall at all times. Many others become stuck to ceilings by a limb cursed to dangle until they sober up and fall.

>circlet of draconic lust
When knowingly and willingly donned, makes the wearer infatuated with dragons. Has no effect on dragons.

Bugle of water breathing.

So long as you are playing this bugle, you can breath underwater.

Your lungs will still fill with water and render you unable to play.

>Slip into Vampire's coffin

A fine phylactery this will be!

>As your ritual to create your phylactery fails your eyes grow wide in fear.
>The only reason such a ritual would fail is if someone else, no something else had already made this their phylactery
>If you weren't already cold from undeath, you'd swear that you felt a chill run up your spine and you know that somewhere, it's watching

Dubstep Digideroo? I'd pay top dollar for that are you kidding me?

Anyway

>Mirror of Light

Some fuckers decided naming their kid Light was a novel idea. This is that loser's mirror.

I destroy the ring.

> I'd pay top dollar for that
You already have one. It's called "blowing a raspberry".

Touche.

>Blazing Blade
A sword that smokes blunts and gets high all day everyday

>Tabard of Frozen Blood
It's a chunk of frozen blood someone carved into the shape of a tabard. Glorified ice sculpture/fancy vampire Popsicle.

Super underrated post

>Shield of fire
>This wooden shield was on fire at some point
>By the time you found it in the dungeon the fire had burned the wood to a crisp and it is now ashes

Tricorn of Directional Knowledge
Tells you exactly which direction you are facing. The problem is, it tells you what direction your head is facing relative to your body.

Pretty good for finding your body after you lose your head.

>Sharpie of Pooper Pleasure
Anyone who picks up this pen is overwhelmed with a compulsion to drop their drawers and insert it into their poop chute, whereupon they have an immediate, powerful and lasting orgasm.
To the point that sex with real people becomes too dull an affair.

nice.

>Ring of detection
Which sounds good, but the ring itself detects using a magical effect which triggers a positive on the ring, and the ring needs to be activated rather than passively testing.

>Chalice of Justice
Freezes whatever liquid is put into the chalice, turning them into ice cubes.

An L5R one this one based on a joke from a camapign, but;
>The horse reigns of Kaiu Toyo and Kakita Uta
Horse reigns with the minor magical effect of making the horse unable to brake unless another force (or the horses' own desires) act upon it.

Other than Arthur, what other characters in fiction can stand him?

I'll take a chip...and eat it!

Make sword.

Put sword in saferoom.

Renounce ownership.

Make sword.

Repeat.

Crash world economy.

>Bricks of freedom.

wall yourself in
more narrow the space
Freer than ever

Not necessarily. You play the bugle underwater and blow water through it. I don't know what the effects will be on the sound, due to the change in medium, though.

youtube.com/watch?v=EKLBSwdSMH4

sword of bludgeoning
a sword folded a million times, deals 1d8 bludgeoning instead of slashing
can be used to deflect objects slow and large enough to be seen with the naked eye

Magical artefact of roll on this 10000 random effect table when you use it.

>cape of subjective invisibility

Makes the wearer believe they are invisible.they really aren't

Useful. Necromancer sees you wielding a sword so he decides to send skeletons at you instead of zombies but to his surprise you smash them to bits in seconds.

Hat of the wind, when worn the hat causes a burst of wind directed upwards at the hat.

Yeah...if we had a sword based economy. Course we could just smelt the swords down to make literally anything else and make more cash that way.

>Ring of Protection from Magic Detection
The enchantment on the ring is undetectable.

/g/entooman here.

This thread reminds me of a whole contest IRL of writing weird, funny, or pointless computer programs. It's called the International Obfuscated C Code Contest, and one submission that is nearly always entered is some variation of a program called "smr".

Well, really there's only one way to write smr; the only difference between the different variations is that they might be called something different. What smr does is print out its own source code and then exit.

The source code file is empty. The program does nothing. Depending on the compiler used, it may very well compile without error, but the program produced does nothing.

trump get out

>+3 Sword of Single Use
Once it kills a creature it becomes permanently glued to the creature and the two become a marble statue in 24 hours with a gold plaque commemorating the day the wielder slated the creature. Nothing but a wish can remove the statue.

The sword breaks after it lands a single blow.

>Bucket of Sloths
The sloths have all been taxidermied.

>Pelor's Light
Literally sunlight

>Tome of Black Mastery
Upon hearing the title, infuriates SJWs and pleases the KKK and possibly /pol/.

sword of forceful resistance
This artifact was wielded by Hermanis the great dring his heroic but ultimately lost war with the 2nd confederationI. It is considered weapon of great worth to any commander or ruler.

The sword has 3 powers and a +3 enchantment
The sword convinces the wielder to never give up or yield no matter the odds.
It instills the desire to resist and great skills at doing so to whom ever faces the wielder of the sword.
As a third effect other people and nations will consider the wielder the agressor and join the perceived defendant.

>Glaive of garish encumbrance
A very powerful glaive capable of superhuman feats. In order to wield it effectively, the wearer must max their equipload with all sorts of fancy trinkets and baubles. The more plentiful and fancy the knick-knacks, the more powerful the glaive.

>Ring of Magic Detection
Detects the enchantment of any magical artifacts by glowing blue when nearby, most notably including itself.

It's convenient if you need to outfit an army at least.

>Bag of Holding

Attaches itself to the user and doesn't let go until commanded to. or until anything's put inside

>The enchantment on the ring is detectable.

While unorthodox, that's pretty much a ticket to lust/seduction immunity, which is pretty nifty I imagine.

>Grigor's Ring of Door Closing
Can open any unlocked door by simply actuating in the door mechanism by hand and pulling the door in the direction it needs to move when opening.

>Jingasa of the Fortunate Soldier
This conical iron jingasa, or war hat, grants the wearer a +1 deflection bonus to AC. When struck by a critical hit or sneak attack, the wearer can spend an immediate action to negate the critical hit or sneak attack (similar to the fortification armor special ability, but without requiring a roll). The damage is instead rolled normally.

This ability functions only once, though the jingasa continues to grant its deflection bonus even after the other ability is expended.

Inside the user, I hope.

Way better than a standard longsword. Can be used to deflect thrown rocks and such

>use sword to hit enemy
>start hitting other enemies or switch to another weapon when target is about to die

>Bucket of Sloths
Could be sold for decent money to collectors

>Pelor's Light
Sunlight that is an item somehow? That you can hold? Sounds like a portable light spell, or as they also call it, a flashlight

>Tome of Black Mastery
It triggers both, SJWs interpret it as referencing slavery and /pol/ interprets it as some wewuz revisionism

>Door is unlocked but has a spell on it that prevents it from being opened

kek

>Could be sold
Applies to everything in this thread.

>Disintegrates the user when used
The perfect assassination weapon.

Not really. Many of listed items look mundane and have useless magic effects. Taxidermied sloths on the other hand, are a very exotic collector's item. It's like saying "bucket of diamonds" is an useless magic item

>errata page 72: "unlocked" refers to any door that can be opened without impediment - magical or otherwise.
>Dev forum post: "You can't open the door quickly because then air would impede the opening of the door even if it doesn't completely stop it, the item must open an unlocked door at a reasonable pace without encountering friction or debris."

Alternatively:
>Whenever the wearer has sex, whoever's being penetrated feels a dragon dick instead of a human dick

Kinda cute. How would you turn this into a spell to fuck with your players?

Liberty Box.

As long as you are inside of this fridge sized cardboard box no law enforcement, military, or political official may harm you. Lawbreakers, however, can.

>not using extradimensional space magic to turn this into a Pirate's Paradise version of the Fishing Hut from that one CYOA that used to get posted all the time

"Y'arr, step into me outhouse and onto an entire island out of the reach of the King's Navy."

Clearly expecting us to fill in the table.
Shame on you lazy user, shame.

A 5 gallon bucket of clear lotion like cream. When applied to the whole body (external use only) it physically transforms the user into the person/humanoid they are thinking of. Can be real or imagened, boosts disguise but works best when the user is familiar with the subject being assumed. Scent, sight, taste, touch and hearing are likely fooled (depending on users skill) and true seeing or other like ability cannot bypass it. Downside is the paste lingers on the skin like a light coating of skin oil and acts as an injury vector mutagenec agent. Contact with blood or mucus membrane may result in your body getting stuck in the disguise. Use after such an event is extremely inadvisable. Washes off with a good soap and water scrubbing, effects fade one hour later.

>Blazing Blade
>A flame-sword that has been modified by the great elf wizard Potleaf Noonsleeper to function as a high quality bong in addition to its normal purpose. It has a compartment that can discreetly carry a surprising amount of intoxicant. The design is popular among young elven nobility.

its baseball bat. I get it

If some crack addict with a lead pipe bashes the thing down your whole hideaway is fucked though.

Ring of Wanting
Gives you everything you ever wanted. Past tense.

You're instantly instantly buried by all the pens/change/food/miscellaneous items you ever wished you had.

You could also play it dark and be instantly aged to death because of all the times you wished you were older when you were a kid.