How much does your character get laid?

can't even count anymore

Evil torments the land, there will be time for dalliances later.

Getting laid isn't lawful good.

In one of the campaigns I used to play, the party at one point had to go through a local tribe of druids to obtain vital information about an active quest. The only druid willing to speak to outsiders would do so only if someone in the party agreed to sleep with him, as he was distraught over never having meet another man who could reciprocate his affection. My ranger conceded to the druid's terms.

The DM decided the druid wouldn't be satisfied with a one-night stand, so he had the druid shadow the party for a while before proposing he become one of my followers. At some point during the adventure, we were wed by the druid's tribe and my character retired to be with his new spouse.

So my character presumably got laid every night henceforth.

my character is a widower whose married to the job so never.

Never

Paladin master race

In one campaing I played Italian nobleman who spend all his adventuring loot on booze, women, fancy clothes, fancy dinners, theater plays and similar aristocratic excesses. It was never roleplayed just mentioned what we do in our free time.

In one campaign my character avoided getting married. In another his reason for adventuring was to get rich so he can get married.

I have been known to be a very cunning linguist.

Not much now, he still mourns his wife.

Literally as gay as can be.

It's like being the bottom for woman.

Being on the bottom is nice as hell. It's much easier to play with her boobs or ass, or to be an ass and tickle her or whatever gets you off, when she's on top.

He recounts tales of his and the party's exploits in taverns to try and impress tavern wenches. As any good adventurer should do when given free time.

Not every order includes a vow of chastity you know.

First reply best reply.

SHe has a thing for little girls

Never they all die too fast even daemons can't seduce them on account of death

The nerdy mechanic girl recently expressed an interest in not sleeping alone every night and cuddling so likely often.

Being a noble scion is nice, it's not terribly frequently you can phrase getting someone pregnant as a gift to them but that too was discussed and all.

I guess constantly and never...

Let me explain, after something that was probably my GMs magical realms my character sacrificed his junk to this bio machine thing to become the father of Titans.
The machine keeps his junk alive and fully functioning and uses it with the salvaged parts of a female war God to create a never ending army of demigods that we then use to help fight pan dimensional demon bob Ross.

It's been a long campaign

What the fuck

Something i never understood was how much would it hurt to turn into something like that?

You know what, please fucking elaborate what caused this and what your campaign is even about that required you to do... that.

Never in game, I don't slow the game down for that. Although at times it seems I'm the only one.

We play in the FLGS which also sells video games so draws in a decent amount of people. So it always weirds me out when the fat guy stops in a tavern every chance he gets and audibly talks to the DM to determine his nightly conquest. This is around customers in the store.

Sounds like you've got a story.

Blaspheme

Ignorant fool.

Nobles be degenerate

>Not every order includes a vow of chastity you know.

Sounds like heresy to me.

Storytime mother fucker, or i call bullshit.

But how else am I supposed to raise a loving and pious family?

Not that my character is doing that. But being a paladin is about standing firm against the darkness, bringing light to people and raising them up. Nothing about that says that screwing impressionable adventurer-groupies is un-paladin like. So long you take precautions or are prepared to raise your bastards anyway.

What is there to explain, you got a BBeg that is a lot like bob Ross, you got the baby making parts of a dead femail war God, you got an HR Giger looking bio machine that can keep this parts alive and working and can support a fuckton fetuses.
You need an army and you also need to be out there with the army fighting.
You are the very best of humanity so you would make the best father for the army, so to save time you cut off your junk and shove it in the same machine to forever produce seed to forever make demigod baby's with the dead God so you can have an endless supply of demigods to fight bob Ross

It's practically self explanatory

Cunnilingus with a woman is literally the straightest thing you can do.

The Aristocrats

You realize that paladins won't fall if their loins get touched by a member of the opposite sex, right?

It's frustrating when people expect paladins to never have sex, never lie, never cheat or anything, ever at all, no matter the reason.

But what if you're a woman

Tits or GTFO

Basically never. I'm really lewd, but I'm afraid of my fetishes leaking into the game so I act very prudishly at the table. Even when no one else does.

NO. THAT'S NOT SELF EXPLANATORY. HOW DID YOU GET HERE? HOW DID THIS EVEN START? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ANGER BOB ROSS? DOES HE EVEN *GET* ANGRY? WHAT IN THE FUCK, MAN?

Considering the inspiration for the paladin class were medieval legends and real-life knightly orders, it makes sense that Catholic morality would be their default attitude.

>ebin deus vult maymay

What specifically about having sex isn't lawful, or good? Two people enjoying eachother's bodies doesn't hurt anyone.

Then I guess it's... the gayest thing you can do?

L O N D O N

...

My current paladin has once, right before she went into exile.

Because sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Coveting another man's wife is sin.
Unmarried women are fair game.

While Christian values tend towards lawful good, some things, such as sex outside of marriage, are definitely not bad in any sense of the word.

But of course, you're just meming.

Take it off baby bend over let me see it
If u looking for a real pussy eater I can be it
So quit playing with me girl and bring that over here
Won't you climb aboard my face and put that pussy on my beard

I ain't tryna to take u shopping or buy yo ass some shoes
I'm just tryna lick that clit while I'm looking up at you
No shame in my game, girl, so look back at me
I don't give a fuck if it's shave or it's nappy

Long as it ain't nasty sanitation smelling
One whiff of that bitch I'm gone be bailing
If it's smelling sweet I'll lick it for a hour
And even it's sour might lick it in the shower

I go dumb and ignorant when I'm on that clitoris
Lick yo ass delirious my tongue game so damn serious
So bend that ass over lemme eat it from the back
That pussy so good have a nigga coming back

Of course, but I don't think knights ever had a stipulation on sex or marriage. That was just monks and nuns.

I mean just like in real life unless my character has a reason why they'd be a virgin due to either some religious belief or not having the right equipment (space marines son) it's basically assumed that yes, they've probably had sex in the past. Don't do it at any detail at the table. Fucking awkward having sex by proxy with your friend's wife while he just DMs

Then it's straight up gay.

What if you're a man and you're drinking the breast milk of another man?

"You see Sergei, if you throw woman down flight of stairs, she cannot say no, so it is not rape."

Verboten.

How good are the other mans knockers?

They fill the ocelot heads all the way.

Does inserting another man's gene seed into your body count?

Never

Chicks don't dig scarred old fighters with more than their fair share of PTSD.

Literally never. Undead don't feel things like lust or love or desire for intercourse.

I know only hunger and duty

If rape counts, more than he should

>Chicks don't dig scarred old fighters with more than their fair share of Pretty Thick and Strong Dick.

You must be doing something very wrong.

You know I've never met a couple at a game who didn't establish a pair of characters to have a proxy relationship in game with each other, even if one is DMing. Its either that or they completely ignore romance.

My paladins pass their chastity vows from father to son.

In regards to Christianity, Jesus' Sermon on the Mount says looking at a woman lustfully is a sin of itself. But that whole sermon was essentially "You know all those hard laws you have to bust your ass following? Well here is Godmode"

Please share your wisdom, oh wise user

He doesn't.
Though to be fair he's an humanoid spider that has left his kind, so he hasn't have access to females of his race and even then "sex" for them is spraying semen on eggs. They aren't exactly fun people.

Hmm. Never put much thought into it.

An Inquisitor could get laid whenever he wanted technically. But I don't know, he's a driven guy. So I assume every so often he carefully chooses one. After the normal tests, the ones that make sure she isn't a daemon or genestealer hybrid or whatnot. Also I assume he stipulates restraints.

Paranoid, is what I meant.

As for Catullus the Ultramarine... probably never. Maybe kissed some girls as a kid.

Not often, since he was taught that getting it on is intended to put a baby in there, but after two requests from the waifu there's been one confirmed instance and one implied instance, the first a fade-to-black and the other an exit-stage-right. May have been more offscreen during various timeskips, but between not wanting to make a mess of rented lodgings and that no one else in the party intends to be anywhere within a 50ft radius of the event because you don't want to imagine a bro nude until you're invited to the three-way, it's very unlikely the number is anywhere above ten.

...

Then you let a guy watch so you can claim it was totally straight because you were just seducing him. Or make a guy cum in her first so you're eating it out of her, a girl eating semen isn't gay at all.

He's still a virgin.

His crew doesn't know. And they will never know.

"It's all right, Captain. We always knew you were a whoopsie."

The nerdy mechanic chick hasn't been laid in forever. She has been super cheeky when I've had discussions with her as my character's confidant and explained that the lack of heirs is a bit of a problem. She'd always be cheeky asking if he was propositioning her until he decided fuck it and go through with it.

She didn't really actually SLEEP with anybody either so she became addicted to cuddling with another warm body really quickly apparently. So he probably gets laid quite a bit but has this cyborg attached to him every night regardless.

Dumb bishounen dark elf warrior has to fight off girls. That group is too mature to keep count, but I'd assume the number is into triple digits by now.

Royal Spymaster to !Griffith does not get close and personal with anyone ever, because anyone he got close and personal with could potentially be one of our ex-colleagues who are now plotting to overthrow our glorious new regime. The boldest measures are the safest

My old d&d wizard is too old and too wizard to bother with something as trivial as relying on sex to get himself off.

The lady knight is a pedophile, courtesy of meta reasons. That group is NOT mature, but they're not going to pursue that avenue further.

Thats...hard to quantify or guesstimate. How many towns have i visited, for how long, did the tavern have good wenches or did i have to find a brothel, was i "investigating" or "information gathering", and how cheap were the whores. I honestly can't say i've kept track of any of this and to top it all off she did a good few month stint as a brothel's special attraction to get as much dirt and info on a corrupt official and he presumably wasn't her only customer in the faded to black areas so its honestly anyones guess.

His first two waifus died before he could confess and the current one is a princess. He's also slowly going insane a la Gollum. I would probably say he's a forever alone virgin.

> tfw your character isn't a virgin, but you are

Chemgelded robo zombie, so not very often no.

What's your excuse, user?

...

Mixture of laziness and overworked.

>spqr 4 lyfe

I just don't want to chase after a girl just for a maybe, but at the same time I don't want some random sex.

So get a gf. Unless she has one of those "True Love Waits" rings you'll probs get a sex or two, on top of relationships are good for you.

You can do it, man. It's not that hard. And if you come back with "user, I'm a fat/skelly autismal D&D grognard, no grill would want me!" remember that there are plenty of fat legbeards to go around, and lower your sights or hit the gym.

I'd rather wait for a better point in my life. I don't want to juggle a relationship on top of what I've got going right now, and despite what you say I don't think a relationship will make me better as much as improving myself for a relationship will.

I'm worried you'll spend so much time improving yourself, you'll always put of a relationship. And, by the time you decide you're ready, what happens when you put her on a pedestal because of all the build-up.

It's important to put yourself out there. I habeeb in you, user.

Let's examine the last few characters:

Human Vigilante:
Reasonable amount of sex. The secret identity isn't exactly suave enough to have a whole shit ton of sex. He could easily manipulate his way into more sex than he gets but his current behavior backs the cover story and let's face it, all he really wants is a woman who wants the vigilante rather than the cover identity. Problem is that none of the women he meets have a burning sense of JUSTICE deep within them.

Aasimar Witch:
Soooooo much sex. Less than he'd prefer, but still enough because his wife has a fairly close sex drive to his and is willing to make up the difference by hiring upscale prostitutes for threesomes. Didn't have sex with dragons though. That was a bummer.

Ifrit Skald:
Groupies now and then. Then got engaged to a gryphon. Less sex since then since he's trying not to be a rockstar manwhore and to actually do right by her. Most recent incident was a aasimar groupie who is now good friends with the gryphon. Not sure what to make of that but I'm pretty sure she'd have pecked and clawed him to death if they weren't cool. It's kinda a weird case since being engaged to a gryphon is quite obviously making him shape up and try to do what's best for her.

One of my character gets fucked daily, sometimes by multiple other PCs simultaniously.

The other one, not so much. He is an abrasive sort of guy, so he usually punches people in the mouth, rather than fuck them.

To be fair, he was saying that because he tried to make people understand how hard they fucked up each day and how much better Jahwe is than them. And that would be the reason why they can't be in his presence if they don't repent for what they've done.

>Catholic morality
Paladin = pedophile

My character is married to another PC. It's not a major focus of the campaign, but when they retire to their shared cabin each night, there is presumably a fair amount of sex going on.

Define getting laid

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