Things players never say

I listen at the door.

I'm a Barbarian but I don't want to rage.

A dungeon full of loot? Naw, sounds too dangerous. Let's just stay here and play cards.

"I tell the Elf to start whittling dice while I draw up some character sheets"

You have confused the prompt with "Things players always say."

Hey, I have this crazy plan but I want to run it by you to make sure you're cool with my character trying it and if it makes sense in universe.

Yes I would like to hear more about your homebrewed setting!

Things from the BBEG's shopping list...

List of PC families' home addresses

"I surrender"

Wands of Dimension Door, exactly one more than the players expect.

An inscrutable power source.

The DM is right, like he always is.

actually i have surrendered once, though we only did it to get inside the evil lair while keeping a bag of holding with all our useful gear in it stashed inside our elf's ass

A cheap lock.

7000 more skeletons

Too real, I wish just once....

>mfw

>stashed inside our elf's ass

yeah I'm going to need an explanation, doc.

Bread. Milk. Cinnamon. Virgins. Virgin olive oil. Extra virgins. Extra virgin olive oil. Chicken thighs. Sugar.

>mfw I'm this player
>mfw his campaign stopped and we never played anything again

don't be a dick when unique opportunities arise

What's to explain? Elves are for raping.

A barrel to fill with gold and bribe the rogue with, a book to fill with Earth-shattering spells and bribe the wizard with, and a stable to fill with exquisite whores and bribe the bard with.

I just want to know how you managed to get a bag of holding into the ass of an elf, that's all.

"How do I walk"

Well an elf bard has the capacity for it as a general rule, and he certainly appreciated the convenience.

...

I take 10.

I don't understand. Was he affronted by someone else wanting to GM?

>The barkeeper is kicking me out for being a troublemaker? Eh, that's fair.

Really? Used it pretty often back in the days.

Anyway:

"Before acting, let's think of the villagers for a sec..."

a scroll of timestop

Thanks for all your hard work.

he was GMing and looked dead tired and his campaign's quality had gone down for a while, so I offered him to rest and the group to play something that I would run

we hung out at the GMs house, because it was the only place available for us

and after that, every time i'd try to get in touch with him to set up a date so we could all play, he'd say something along the lines of "nah i don't feel like playing today" and this went on for a month until we stopped hanging as a whole

Glitter. Glue. Pipe cleaners. Sequins. Rhinestones. Costume jewellery. Enchanting supplies.
-Remember, get fake phylactery into vault on illuminated plinth. Must have fake death spells ready for adventurers.

-note to self: if poss. prepare copy of spell book filled with explosive runes. Scry library, record & upload 2 MageHub

oh right sorry, here's the story
>come up with the plan when the dm in no uncertain terms tells us that the fortress is impregnable, through various story and plot devices
>the DM exists partially in the magical realm, so he let us all roll dex and con checks to see who's ass is taking the bag
>elf rogue wins the day
>what this means is that not only does his ass fit the bag with all our gear in it, it means he can manipulate his anus at will, and does so to hide the bag deep up there
>we hire a local merc to clap us in chains and take us to the fortress, bbeg has a cutscene and talks about the various evil plans etc
>we're all put in seperate rooms, because we're all different races and the DM was being creative
>that night elf takes the bag of holding out and uses the lockpicks stashed in there to open the door, then finds us all and jailbreaks us.
>with our armor and weapons equipped we sneak into the villain's room and smother him with a pillow, then jump out of the window into the ocean and swim to land
turns out he wasn't the final boss, but he was the main villain, he was an old dude and died easy to the pillow, his son was an actual warrior and could fight.

>"Hey, the last 10 npc's we've asked have all said we shouldn't try to fight [insert monster/person]. Maybe we should listen to them."
>"That guy underpaid us, but perhaps we shouldn't seek immediate and bloody revenge."
>"This npc is a bit of a dick but otherwise non-threatening... maybe we should just ignore it instead of beating him to death in front of his crying children and then gloating over his corpse."
>"Wow, I'm really glad we took the time to sit down and hash out an effective plan instead of using the first shitty plan that popped into our heads."
>"The GM clearly put a lot of work into the story for this session. Maybe we should politely follow the hints he's dropping instead of deliberately derailing all his hard work because we're a bunch of fucking twats."
>"We are working for an npc who is more powerful than us and is generally accommodating of our eccentric ways and methods as long as we get results. Perhaps we shouldn't attempt to murder them and usurp all their holdings on session 3."

>dex
wouldn't you need str to measure how strong the anal cavity would be through the constant pain of having a non-phallic object shoved through the anal cavity?

>"Woah dude, she might be a bar wench but that's not cool."

>"I guess my pc will do his laundry. I mean, it's not like I use the same underwear for a fucking week, even out there in the boonies."

>"I agree with [insert autorithy figure]. He seems reasonably down to earth.
[to be fair this depends on the game, but jesus, murderhobos have a hard time doing that]

well since its a bag of holding they could make it dick shaped?

>Doing Good is its own reward!

You say this, but my Rogue Trader does this legitimately...in exchange for a small favor later on down the line, of course.

It's how we got a Space Marine chapter to be strong allies of our dynasty, as well as providing them with food and resources in exchange for having the backing of a Space Marine chapter.

>Hey GM, you look a bit burned out. How about I run something so you can play for a while?

I've offered to run games for my GM just about every time he's complained about burnout, and until now he refused, saying he didn't think I would go through with it. Now he's accepted, and I soon shall become the master.

If only. All I hear is "this should happen" or "this will happen."

What weirds me out is how many people evidently know what a good player is like, and it's still impossible to find any.

I get this all the time, although I make sure to let players know ahead of time that both surrender and escape are likely outcomes of lopsided fights. I don't fault the players for refusing to surrender if they assume the enemy fights like computer NPCs, and if they assume surrender will simply mean their execution.

I think I've done more good deeds as a rogue trader than in any other game, although that might be because my rogue trader has more to motivate him than cold, hard greed.

"My arch nemesis is being attacked by warp-spawned hellbeasts? We must aid him at once! Forget about the treasure, change course immediately!"

"You're welcome for the save, arch-nemesis. Your eternal gratitude? That's not going to be a very long eternity. Men, gun him down. Now, where's that treasure?"

well, it was a cloth bag. granted it did have some spacial fuckery but it was essentially just a bag made of satin.

that last one is why i like playing lawful characters, you literally just have to apply the law to a situation before making a decision, but laws themselves are malleable if you have friends in high places.

Things you can say your intelligent sword, but not to your girlfriend.

i like you best covered in blood

????
What are period fetishes?

"It's been a while since I oiled you up."

"I like you when you're drenched in blood, baby."

"I trust you"

"I just love showing you naked to everyone."

"I love you."

"I love it when you penetrate other men."

10/10

who hurt you user

I'm glad you're here by my side.

Unacceptable World of Darkness character concepts.

Its a Conan the Barbarian reference you plebian.

>"I trust you"

A mentally stable, generally decent fellow.

So you could say that
You Are Your Own Master Now?

Adults

A happy, well-adjusted, normal guy with good luck.

I get the reference user, but you can't fault people for just reading that as sad.

I hope you won't mind me selling you, but your replacement is just sharper and better looking.

An ashtray.

a sentient loaf of bread

What do you bribe the paladin with?

Chipsmalk.

whores dressed as nuns

A Malkavian portaryed respectfully to actual mentally sick people

A Christian.

you monster

>what is the Lancea Sanctum

A large man with receding hair and glasses, who hosts a comedy improve show.
I'm thinking.. Crew Darey

Apple cider.

>the Lancea Sanctum are Christians

You've never read the book and you're retarded. Christ is for humans. Longinus is for vampires. It's less Christian than Islam is.

You've always got my back.

None, that game exists if you want to play a Weirdsomobile and nothing else.

I'm quite careful to make NPCs react reasonably, and my players know that too. They quite often flee from fights or otherwise take hostages and attempt diplomacy, they just seem to have an extreme aversion to being helpless.

Now I think back, they have surrendered exactly once: In Dark Heresy, they were reporting to a superior when an Inquisitor they believe they'd killed turned back up and confronted them about his 'murder'.
I guess being unarmed acolytes within the bowels of fortress-prison guarded by space marines is bad enough odds even for them.

Dude, seriously. Longinus (and all of the kindred population) is there because literally Christ decided to test the faithful.

Vampires are a cog in God's plan and while they're supposed to be monsters, they adhere to a slightly inuhuman but still ethical code of conduct.

Possibly because they do that EXACTLY for "christian" reason:

If one of the Damned truly seeks to enter the Kindgom of
Heaven, then to get there, she must walk the path set for her by
God. She must play the part of the vampire, one of the Damned,
an undead predator of the human race.

Page 53 of the actual book, user.

Yes, and that one line contradicts everything else that's ever been written about it, I knew you were going to quote this. That same page suggests this as ONE of the possible theological interpretations of the faith.

Things from the Bard's bucket-list...

>witcher

...

Buckets

Fuck the bucket.

Figure out how babies are made. I'm in too deep now, I can't just ask.

>All of the above, at once

Bucket elemental.