How do you court a ghost?

How do you court a ghost?

Holy Tennis Racket, just gotta make sure you lob it over the net so it bounces within the otherside-zone of the pitch.

I have numerous doujinshi on that topic you can consult.

Step one consists of making contact with the entity. You must first know your potential lover before you can begin the game of seduction.

Usually this can be achieved via the regular channels of ghost communication, such as ouija board, seance, and ritual sacrifice.

Step two begins the courtship phase of the sexual encounter.

This usually takes place over the course of a couple days to a couple weeks.

In ghost culture it is considered rude to be exceptionally randy or lewd. Keep in mind that fucking a ghost is not like fucking one of your culdesac trollops. No, a ghost is a cultured and refined partner, interested in having their minds stimulated just as much as their no-no zone.

It is traditional to wear a courtship hat when trying to bugger a ghost. This could be an olde tyme ship captain's hat, a bowler, or perhaps a yamakah if you're trying to fuck a JAG (Jewish American Ghost). (note to fedora wearers: a trillby will not due, all ghosts are trained to know the difference, don't even try it.)

Games of chess are one of the preferred methods of this user. They allow you to conquer them in one of the most sexually energizing forms of entertainment known to man.

With a summons.

Step three begins the formal relationship request.

A ghost will not wildly swing in and out of relationships like a sinful college whore. They will only enter into a relationship with a partner who is not only fair in face, but in mind.

They require that you get down on one knee and propose that you begin the process of dating. This user's favorite way to go about this is to spend about an hour upon his knee, quoting from Moby Dick to allude to the potential fuckee that they are akin to the white whale he has been hunting for his entire life.

The ghost must then be given two weeks to consider the request, during which there should be no attempts to contact the ghost as it is considered rude in ghost culture to do so.

Step four is the initial dating phase.

The ghost will require that you demonstrate your knowledge of culture and finery during this period.

You will be required to go out in public with the ghost you wish to put your penis inside of, so be prepared for that. You will be required to purchase them a seat at the opera even though they can just float and are invisible.

It seems like a lot of work, but ghost holes are best holes.

Step five involves the consummation of the relationship.

Now I know what you're thinking; "but user, you said this was a seven step program, how can I be fucking a slippery ghost hole on step five already?"

Well consummating a relationship means something else entirely, at least in ghost culture. The word means to finalize or complete something.

When you are ready to move beyond the initial dating phase of the relationship you must submit a formal request to the ghost just as with starting the last phase. Once again you will be required to wait the full two weeks for them to decide. This will be harder than last time as you are just that much closer, but take solace in the fact that patience will net you some sweet, slippery ghost holes.

This user's favorite way to consummate the relationship is to mime ritually circumcising myself and presenting the neck skin of a chicken to my potential lover as a sort of effigy. This show of elegant and subtle devotion to the potential fuckee will signal that you do indeed have the grace and refinement to plow their holes.

Step six will have you trembling with anticipation for it is the extended foreplay step.

Ghosts like to engage in week long sessions of foreplay. This may actually sound exciting, and it is. But only too those with a towering intellect, for ghost foreplay is an exercise in the mind.

You will be returning to your games of chess, but it is not advisable to only play chess during this period. Other forms of intellectual smut must be mixed in.

This user often chooses to partake in games of trivia about author's who's works contain suitably intellectual subject matter, such as Neil Degrasse Tyson or James Joyce.

Only works on legalistic ghosts.

can we just skip to "ghost marriage" because that's where im stuck at

i dont have a finger to put this ring on

...

You had me up until
>suitably intellectual subject matter
>James Joyce
Come the fuck on.

Who said the point was to marry the ghost?

That's a whole different set of steps.

Step seven is the moment you have been waiting all these months for.

All of your work has finally paid off user, you will now be getting those slippery ghost holes you wanted. But before you plow that ghost, remember that a man who is refined as yourself does not simply plow his ghost on a pile of trashbags like an ape. No, he must be a sensual lover if he truly wishes to please the ghost. This should come naturally to someone of such a large intellect, as it is common knowledge (at least among those who are intelligent enough to read scientific journals) that those with a higher IQ make better lovers.

By ghouly gosh, I sure learned a thing or two about the poltergeist penetration process! I'll be sure to remember that next time I see a hot bitch in a sheet walkin around my attic spookin my dick into a state of rigor mortis. Thanks, resident ghost fucker of Veeky Forums!

With ghost lawyers

>spookin' my dick

Pull out all the stops. Mood lighting. Candles. Barry white. Rose petals.

It's all about getting in the spirit of things.

Veeky Forums I just want to kiss a cute ghost girl
How do I do this

Like this:
It's been very clearly outlined for you.

I don't want to slime my stick with ectoplasm, senpai
I just want to meet a cute ghost girl on a vacation to an exotic land, perhaps on the shore of the Mediterranean, and kiss her as a memento of the time we spent together, like two lovestruck teens

Then you only need to go to step 5.

I guess this is one of the only times suicide might be a good start.

>after I am done with you, you will be crying only for more, you kinky banshee.
>My ectoplasm is spookier than yours
>Did I have a curse on my benis, cuz you just lifted it.
>You won't be able to sit after this
>Ghostblowjob
>Oh no, I just tripped and my ass is exposed to haunting

And people were asking how you get half-ghosts last week.

I remember coming up with a shitty high school romcom anime called Bloody Mary.
Some unaffected kid gets invited to a raucous house party. While there, he gets rip-roaring drunk, he and a few people leave for a relatively quiet area of the house and start swapping ghost stories in the dark. There's lots of talk of giant skeletons made of the bones of the starved dead that announce their presence by inducing tinnitus, and seemingly normal people with a giant eye instead of an asshole. One of them brings up the Western legend of Bloody Mary, and they all try to get the MC to do the ritual, since he doesn't have any stories and is kind of an outcast. He refuses to do it, leaves the party and walks home (he of course lives alone in an apartment).
He rants a bit about not having a lot of friends and peer pressure and shit like that, and ends up in front of his bathroom mirror. Just to spite them, he turns the lights off and does the ritual. Bloody Mary appears, and she's a cute girl. She doesn't want to kill anyone, she's just really lonely and the only way she gets attention now that she's dead is by responding to the ritual. But people don't really do that kind of thing anymore, so she's glad to meet MC-kun.
Hijinks ensue as MC and Mary fall in love; they cannot be physically intimate, her only physical power is in short poltergeisty bursts, only he can see her (until someone else ends up doing the ritual too) and there are, of course, other girls who want to hop on that MC dick.

With Ghost Touch Condoms.

They're in the Book of Erotic Fantasy, because of course they are.

Sheetchasers, leave this board!

thank you for this user

this will be preserved for the ages

>court
That's tricky. Since you need magic weapons to hit incorporeal creatures, I'm going to assume that magic enchantments project some sort of forcefield that makes contact, even if the weapon itself does not.

Therefore, casting Mage Armor on yourself should be enough for penetration. If the GM doesn't like it, get a +1 condom, ribbed for her pleasure.

You ask if you can be their boo.

Pretending to be someone he knew and loved in life. At least that's how it worked the one time we tried to court a ghost for plot purposes, leading to ghost sex and eventually a ghost baby.

Softly.

goddamn it carlos

underrated post

Get a DM that will let you get away with rolling to seduce a ghost, that's the most effective way I've seen it done.