Time for a tale from a AD&D 2e game I've been playing in

Time for a tale from a AD&D 2e game I've been playing in.
Cast:
>Cocky Paladin, loses so many limbs hes like the star wars prequels
>Retard Paladin, the slowest decision maker ever played by a 15 year old (group ranges from 15-45)
>Tinker Gnome that uses nothing but abjuration
>Satyr Bard played as a party animal, constantly drunk and has an intelligent sword of a God of War, so not useless
>Dungeon spec. thief who never talks
>Russian Fighter from Slagovia
>Ranger Lady played by a new player
>some spider based druid who only turns into spiders, worships lolth
>My character, a Dwarf Warlock
>Party is mostly good with both mages being evil
>In a big war between gods our group is sent to liberate a mine from an opposing god as we have sided with the god of justice against the god of war and the god of order
>find out miners are basically slaves, have to rescue their wives and children who are taken captive
>camp guarded by war demons and a guy with a fetish for fire elementals
>summons 1 a day to go burn down farms and shit
>the slowest decision maker in the world begins to try to formulate a battle plan
>after about 2 hours talking irl the tinker gnome gets bored, disappears
>realize we gotta go rush to the encampment since we have been forced to action
>tinker gnome puts a wall of fog over entire camp
>enemy wizard starts opening a portal to the fire plane for summoning just to get rid of fog
>the fight ends up being the party against 12 war demons, big ass pseudo demons, can fly and shit
>realize none of my spells for the day are for combat (literally just a bunch of polymorph and anti wizard spells since the wizard seemed so threatening)
>get an idea
>cast invisibility, walk past massive battle between party and 12 demons
>fight goes on, seems pretty even
>get to the walls of the encampment
>have on robe of eyes so I notice its fucking covered in runes
>wooden palisades look like they skipped turning a spellbook into paper
Finish the story or meh?

>nine players
>two are evil

Well keep going anyway.

>decide the only way to get through is over
>polymorph self into a bird (playing a warlock focusing enchant, charm, and illusion)
>Get to the other side and polymorph back
>creep up to the edge of the clearing in the center of the camp where this guy sets up his portal
>get to the very edge of the fog, this guy has 4 firekin salamanders around this portal and is trying to focus a greater fire elemental through
>at this point I have feeblemind, polymorph other, and some magic missiles left
>human wizard so now is the time to turn his brain to mush
>spell goes off, DM thought he saved, then I told him about the 4 penalty
>summoner is immediately engulfed by the fire elemental in its displeasure at being summoned
>the elemental begins walking directly towards the pen in which they were keeping the women and children
>definitely going to kill them all
>scream internally
>realize I have one spell left that isnt magic missile
>fire off polymorph other
>spend 20 minutes looking up stuff in books to see if it would actually work
>cant find anything to the contrary so DM allows it
>elemental CRIT FAILS
>turned into a rat
>makes roll to keep its mind
>sitting there with a 150hp rat trying to attack me
>pick the fucker up, put it in my ring of storage
>DM has to take a break after the level of shit I just pulled
>gives me extra exp for quote "this stupid shit I never would've thought of"
>managed to save 40 women and children, took out a high level summoner and turned a greater fire elemental into a rat with 0 assistance
>literally saved them only so I wouldn't get lynched for letting them die

Sorry for the speed, power just went out
>decide to torture this rat by nearly drowning it every night
>idea is to get it as angry as possible
>after several weeks of this we end up having to siege a town
>town has about 5000 people, 700 of which are soldiers
>they have a wizard so our side can't siege them without our party there
>wizards in this setting are very rare and exist only in the mages tower, an order of wizards, for the most part
>our party members were all pulled from different planes for this war
>some sort of balance destiny crap
>the other wizard and I in the party get the idea to make a hole in the walls, shove the rat through, dispel the polymorph, and run
>do just that an unlease the elemental into the city
>its so blind with anger it simply demolishes the city
>the thing eventually drops after a good 3 hours when the wizard finally manages to stop it
>most of the town is on fire or rubble
>replace the rat so no one knows it was me
>tell everyone that the other wizard mustve been an idiot or something and summoned an elemental and lost control
>killed roughly 4000 people, leaving only a handful of soldiers and civilians left with no supplies
>wizard and soldiers all surrender
>as a form of execution the paladins thought it would be more humane to simply use feeblemind and turn the wizard into a retard rather than lop off his head
Ive got a few other stories if anyone is interested. the campaign has been going on for over a year now

well that's all just brilliant. My favourite is the paladins choosing to fucking brianrape someone rather than kill them. Their grasp of morality is EXCELLENT. Got more stupid shit like this?

Yeah
>earlier in the campaign we find some abandoned elf town that was a big deal thousands of years ago
>they were wiped out when one of their wizards started messing around with portals and accidentally opened a portal to the nine hells
>demons flooded and killed all of the inhabitants
>we find the library of this long dead wizard after killing his ghost
> in this library we find a scroll
>3 people pick it up and try to read it, each of them have to make saves against fear
>the thing was written in hellscript
>just so happens thats the plane I got my warlock powers from
>happen to know the language
>apparently only evil aligned people can even look at it
>explain it as the spell used to open the portal that brought about the demons
>both paladins begin plotting its destruction along with the retarded barbarian that hates magic
>this barbarian is played by a 13 year old
>this barbarian has since died and been replaced
>actually died in the war demon battle i mentioned earlier (more fun story)
>paladins decide that we are going to wait until the morning of the next day to destroy this scroll
>they also thought it would be safest if they slept with it
>fast forward 2 hours of sleep
>me just sitting around reading due to ring of sustenance
>fucking paladin tried to kill me because he was hallucinating from the scroll
>we decided after this that only I am allowed to touch the scroll
>promptly hide the scroll and tell them it burnt up
yeah, apparently they thought they could just sleep find with this evil artifact
barbarians death next

While I was playing mission impossible and taking out the aforementioned fire elemental summoner, the rest of the party was fighting a band of war demons
>party basically wipes the floor with the demons
>some people get low but luck was not on their side
>we use a roll table for crits
>end up with 1 arm lost on our side
>end up with 2 instant deaths on their side
>they broke into 2 parts, one flying and tossing javelins, the other in melee
>they finally drop all but one
>its flying 20 feet in the air
>the 13 year old barbarian player gets a grand idea
>he decides hes going to try to leap at it, 20 feet of the ground, with a spear
>2 failed rolls later the barbarian is laying on the ground impaled by his own spear
>healer stabilizes him and removes the spear
>he then proceeds to blindly look for his weapon while the rest of the party is fighting
>the spider druid was currently calling down lightning
>he decided he was going to retreive his weapon from directly underneath the last target
>barbarian not only gets zapped but also fails his save
>barbarian gets dropped to -25hp from friendly fire
>druid didnt even give a fuck, just shot off her spell without looking
fucker deserved it
he wouldnt stop bragging about his stats
didnt have anything below a 16 with the op shit that is the barbarian
still couldnt stay alive
for some reason he thought he could take the wizards in the party and threatened us all the time

wait how the fuck did he get stats that good in 2e? that's almost impossible with 3d6, even if it isn't strict. What the fuck.

He does 5d6, reroll 1's, remove 2 highest

These are actually pretty entertaining, you got any more?