Useless magic items

Going along with all these pens, a magic pen that always runs out of ink.

I've got you covered.

Pre-spacepen russians used grease pencils (read: crayons coated in wood).
Post-spacepen kosmonauts use spacepens too.

Also, NASA didn't spend millions developing the space pen.
They estimated that it would be expensive, then cut development funding.
The Fisher Space Pen was an uncontracted private invention.

>the leftover trash in zero-g environment
The left-over highly conductive graphite dust surrounded by critically important flammable electronics.

A coin that always, always lands on its edge.

I'd pay good money for that money.

Hope you like electrical shorts and dust explosions.

Meanwhile the Russians actually used pic related, until they adopted space pens in 1969.

Boots of Wall-Walking. Act like ordinary boots when you wear them, but whenever you take them off, they scamper up the wall and you have to knock them down with a pole the next time you want to put them on.

>Quiver of returning arrows
Arrows retrieved from this quiver magically warp back into it after being fired. Right after being fired

>Wand of summon water mount (3/day)
Whenever used, a giant rubber duck will spawn in the nearest reasonably sized body of water within 200ft

>Glasses of drunken sight
Your character can see through them as if he chugged several bottles of ale

>Heroic cape
A flashy cape that always billows in the wind, even when there's none. It's also constantly pulling you backwards

>Heroic cape
It would be useful if you are on a ship set adrift without wind

Just put the cape on someone and tie them to the ship.

It's not a lot of thrust but it's better than nothing

>A Rock - A large chunk of stone that has a series of protective scripts on it. This only protects the rock against being vandalized.
The others are fun, but fuck, this got me

>self-tightening girdle
It gives you the slimmest waist in all the land. Regardless of what your internal organs would prefer. Also it uses the slimmest waist of any living organism as the bench mark to beat and the debate is out whether microorganisms even HAVE waists.
>bone bow band
An arm band that when worn allows you to, when making the knocking and ready gestures of a bow, fire your own ulna as an arrow regardless of aerodynamic properties. Does not repair traumatic injuries resulting in its use.
>ring of Babel
When wearing the ring you understand and can read every language ever or will ever be conceived. You will however be entirely incomprehensible as you will speak and communicate in a language, mentally and physically, that has never been nor will ever be heard. Removing the ring doesn't remove the words read or heard merely the ability to understand what they mean. Knowledge gained in this way is similarly effected.
>suspiciously comfortable [garment]
A garment of any make but almost always of pleasing design to the eye and body and of current fashion trends. It will be the most comfortable garment you have or will ever wear however you will be constantly suspicious of it to some extent. Users usually complain of it being shifty eyed or worrying that it will contain something dangerous when you wear it next. Investigative and preventative measures will only alleviate the worst of the paranoia.

>Wand of Enchanted Lands (1/day)
On use, something nearby attempts to mate with the caster. It is never something the caster wants to try to mate with. May or may not result in offspring.

>ring of Babel
How does that work with "okay, raise your right hand for "yes" and your left for "no""?

>Wand of Create Wand
When grasped firmly and force is applied Wand of Create Wand creates 2 identical Wands of Create Wand albeit half the size of its previous iteration.

>It's not a lot of thrust but it's better than nothing
Why do you only have one?

You mean if the wielder is asked to say yes or no with raising his hand? I suppose it will just not work.

> bone bow band
Wombo combo with ring of regeneration.

>dat Tharja

That's where "physically" comes in. You will be unable to communicate in any form that is understandable by any being.
If you ask them to blink once for yes twice for no they probably won't blink at all or the eyes might blink faster than you could physically register.
Once introduced an NPC that broke his shins to answer in the affirmative as he was restrained by manacles and couldn't remove the ring. The players just thought they angered him or something.

where's the joke

Damn. Probably should say resultant traumatic injuries are unhealable. Wouldn't that be a bitch though having a useless arm for 2d10 rounds? Suppose you wouldn't bleed out during that time either.

Ring of minor disappointment:
This ring causes every event, location, and person the bearer sees to just barely not live up to their expectations
For example: "Wow, that skellington was really spooky, but, I dunno, I thought he'd rattle a bit more, y'know?" etc.

>implying webcomics are funny
only faggots are deluded enough to think this.

Shit. I must have one of those on at all times but its just invisible and I can't feel it or take it off. And here i was thinking it was something i could manage like depression, oh well.

just put the ring in a condom and you can breath underwater

>Wand of summon water mount

That could save your life if you are on a sinking boat.

But your dignity will sink along it

It was clearly trying, I thought maybe it was some sort of a clever reference.

Everybody else drowning with their dignity can suck my dick I'm alive.
And I'm a lot more visible on a giant yellow duckie than just a life raft.
Plus I got water and food in my bag of holding.
It's all good.

No, it was attempting to be that cute type of funny only girls like.

Won't work, the ring has a fetish of being under water, ether way it's going to get wet

>Ring of Rings
A ring that replicates itself whenever the owner tries to remove the ring. Instead of pulling off the original ring you pull off a copy. The rings produced are ordinary pewter while the original is indestructible
>Mimic's Dagger
A dagger that takes on the qualities of the last thing that touched it. Whenever held it turns into a dagger made of skin and is useless
>Bag of Thimbles
A large bag that always appears to be completely full, but can only hold a pound of items
>GREGORI'S RIDDLE BOX
a box that generates riddles, no prize is awarded for solving said riddles.
>Ring of Lead fall
Makes character as dense as lead, immediately over encumbers the player.

I have more if these aren't stupid to you guys

So what if you had a party member 'Bob' that wanted to get to the Capitol very quickly. Could you put the ring on Bob, then ask him "Is your name Bob? Answer in the affirmative by NOT being healthy and well in the Capitol in the next 5 seconds"

heck, to go even further, "is your name Bob? Answer in the affirmative by NOT killing the Archvillian and saving the kingdom in the next 2 seconds."

magical items are always so hard to limit

I'm not the poster in question, but you seem to confuse "not being able to communicate" with "will do the opposite of what you ask him to do"
He wouldn't magically appear in the capital or magically kill the antagonist, he would just babble, man.

This. Or he'd communicate in any other way that to him equates to a yes but to you is just nonsense.

Well if you ask him to blink once as affirmative, and he tries to say 'yes,' then he'll blink not at all or multiple times or he'll just squeeze his eyes shut, right?

then if you ask him to keep his eyes open as affirmative, then he'll obviously blink or close his eyes or turn around or something, right?

So then what happens if I say, 'to say yes, do anything but blink once." So if he tries to say yes, to do anything but blink once, then what happens?

>Wouldn't that be a bitch though having a useless arm for 2d10 rounds?
It's a free hidden weapon that fires free arrows.
Use it toward the end of fights or when you don't expect to need the arm for a while.

Solve puzzles by flicking switches from across pits or something.

2 of your friends are alive, too.
>Plus I got water [...] in my bag of holding.
Your ship crash of the paraelemental plane of ooze, or something?

>a box that generates riddles, no prize is awarded for solving said riddles.
Pricey vendor trash that winds up with the (in-game) dungeon builders.

if he raised his right arm, in that context, that would constitute a 'yes,' wouldn't it?

I'm picking at it because the definition of the item is so rigid. If it was left at 'you seem to have forgotten how to speak all tongues on this universe,' then it would make sense. But then he goes on to say that any kind of body language or simple thumbs-up thumbs-down communication would be magically disrupted. That kind of strict prohibition to arbitrary motions that are assigned meanings by people just opens up a huge can of worms, and you have to expect PC's to try to abuse the heck out of it.

>Helmet of no helmet hair
>Useless

I suppose if a player pushed it like that i'd shunt the wearer into the 4th dimension where he affirmates before returning to a time and place you could see but does so before you ask your question as we're now talking physically placement in a dimension made of time so "when" would be irrelevant. He might not even pop back in what you'd consider a timely manner.

A 8x8 checkered board with a half a set of checkers pieces and half a set of chess pieces.

Wagers on the board are backed by a Geas.

>fall into portable hole
>head torn apart

>torn apart
Actually, the head travels into Astral Plane, no?
And then you become a dullahan, in search for your lost head.

>Actually, the head travels into Astral Plane, no?
The exact interaction varies from edition to edition and item to item.
But the items are always destroyed, their contents are usually destroyed, and you usually dice to determine if things nearby are destroyed or sucked into the astral*.

*which is weird, because most extraplanar storage works via the ethereal

I've only started DMing a couple months ago, and I haven't yet had a player trying to push the physical limits of the universe, but I'm a little afraid to give them an opportunity to because that's what I did when I was a PC and it resulted in the DM taking the magical item away from us

>The Ever-So-Popular Club of Healing
Does 1d6 of Healing and 1d4 of Blunt Damage on contact
>Tabbard of Curse Removal
Tabbard that automatically censors the verbal and written language of whoever wears it
>The Don's Lance
+5 against windmills

If the ship sinks in an ocean bruv.

Exactly. That is if its game breaking or seriously being munchkinned. If its my fuck up and the guy who regen ringed my bone bow then i'd say i fucked up and enjoy the ride. Unless they actually take 20 turns to move 5 feet before redoing it all.

Is that why your bag of holding is full of water?

>Stick of Swapping

A club that, just before you successfully land a hit on a foe, disappears and reappears in your other hand.

If you are holding it in both hands just before you strike then it teleports into the enemy's hands.

This actually might be fun, to take powerful weapons away from enemies.

>never ending scroll

A scroll that, when fully unrolled, has a fixed length, but when the top is rolled up a little bit, the bottom suddenly is able to unroll a little more. Any paper that is rolled past the limits is wiped of ink and markings, so you can only have the scroll's fully unfurled length in writing at any one time.

>conveyor belt

>quill of uncertainty

The user of the quill develops an un-suppressable doubt about whatever he's writing.

I hope you like tiny graphite particles getting in all your expensive electrical components.

>useless
Put in a congress house/minister's cabinet/whatever law-making institution you have.

wasn't that bone bow band an SCP object?

I don't actually think they used a golf pencil. It was just a funnier image.

Oh I have more than just these here...

Earrings of Silence - Makes the wearer deaf and mute

Necklace of Mersong - You can speak to merfolk, but only while the wearer is entirely submerged in water.

Shield of Revelation - While in use, this shield will reveal to the user horribly cold facts that may cause an existential crisis.

Scratchy Towel - A fine towel that is exceptionally soft to touch but upon absorbing liquids, releases a fine series of tiny barbs that leave the user of this towel itchy for 1d6 days.

Wool Holiday Sweater - Made with nanas love, while she was on her death bed. While wearing it, you look simply ridiculous and may not remove this sweater for 1d12 hours.

Pillow of Napping - This large pillow emits a faint snoring sound while not in use. When in use the user must roll a d6; 1 - The pillow gently cradles your head, 2 - The pillow shares it's deepest fears with you and keeps up up for another hour, 3 - The pillow whispers sweet nothings into your ear, 4 - The pillow is always soft and cool as to provide maximum comfort and prevent over heating., 5 - The pillow tells you a bedtime story., 6 - The pillow traps you into a line of questioning that leads to an argument that lasts 1d4 hours before you both enter a restless, angry sleep.

Salve of Stiffness - When used, the state of your hair can not be altered from it's settled state until thoroughly washed for 10 minutes.

Magic-B-Gon - A shady gnome merchant took just three easy payments of 20 gold for a barrel of anti-magic solution. This solution only works as a means of disenchanting items created by said gnome, who appears to have left town shortly after your last payment was collected.

Candle of Candles - This candle can not be extinguished until it burns out. As it's wick burns the candle wax melts into a brand new candle with a fresh wick. This provide dim light, only enough for real use in a dark bedroom.

If it is i entirely guarantee you i came up with it in a vacuum free of such things.

Well, I'm not sure how your government rolls, but with ours we wouldn't notice the difference really.

>A dagger that takes on the qualities of the last thing that touched it. Whenever held it turns into a dagger made of skin and is useless
Hold it with a metal gauntlet.

It is now a +1 dagger.

Good for bets

you do know you shouldn't drink ocean water right?

holy shit dude thats awesome

>scrying glass of the eagle
It's a telescope

>Hag of Bolding

A small figurine of an old, grumpy looking woman holding a cane in the air in an intimidating manner. Whenever the user is under a fear effect, the figurine screams "GET YOUR ARSE IN THERE AND KILL 'EM YE RUDDY GOBSHITE" and the fear effect is nullified.

Turns to flesh when you start stabbing them.
Turns to blood if you actually manage to cut them.

If some of the dagger leaks into their veins then turns to other stuff later things could get messy.

Fucking beautiful

>salt tastes bad

Are you legitimately retarded?

fish shit in there, you know...

Human kidneys can only make urine that is less salty than salt water. Therefore, to get rid of all the excess salt taken in by drinking seawater, you have to urinate more water than you drank. Eventually, you die of dehydration even as you become thirstier.

>Being this retarded

>fish shit tastes bad

Ya, but I'm shitposting.

>I was just pretending to be retarded!

>reading comprehension

>Nevermind I am retarded!

>having kidney's this weak

I wonder how much buying an extra set of kidneys costs..

In China they trade for latest iPhone (whatever that is, I don't follow the brand).

Cold Blanket - A blanket that never warms you up, retains heat and perpetually remains at room temperature.

Gauntlets of Elders - Gives the user arthritis and carpal tunnel.

Bracelet of Sass - While worn, the user makes smart assed remarks about any arbitrary observation that they make. This also pisses off any guards that the comments are directed towards.

Grieves of Thieves - Randomly steals a sock off of the users feet. This sock goes to the same dimension where all socks lost in the wash go to and is considered irretrievable.

Throwing Knives of Scorned Wives - Always crits when used to attack an adulterating spouse and/or their lover or mistress. x5 crit damage

Tome of Keeping - Magically records random facts about the surrounding environment, nothing useful beyond climate, time, season and current weather.

Endless Scroll - A magical scroll that, once written in, the writer can not stop writing until they fill up the entire portion of parchment required. Contains endless parchment.

In the U.S. on the black market? ~$262,000

The "helping"hand. A skeletal hand that has pass without trace and can ethereal jaunt at will. It searches for magical items when activated, and then filches them with an absurd stealth and sleight of hand, jaunts, and then rep pears on its owners possession.

It has both helped and hindered the party numerous times, as it's activation word requires a full minute of scrying, and the word changes every two minutes to a pre set list of 50 random every day words.

>Cold Blanket
I would kill for less than that.

>A ring of water breathing that only works if the ring is dry.
Easy, coat it in wax or some such water safe device

>Dry Bones - The femur, maxilla and tibia of an ancient mummy; these bones absorb and remove all moisture and liquids that come into contact with the bones.
Man, the shenanigans i could get into with that

>Unopenable Bottle of Jelly - Delicious strawberry preserves, this container can not be opened under any means.
I will bludgeon all my enemies to death with my indestructible jar

>Cursed Circlet of Cursing - Every sixth sentence out of the wearers mouth is a scalding, vulgar and brutal insult
So I become more polite?

The funny bone actually sounds like it's a pleasant item to have

This isn't a useless item, but people in these threads seem to be good at finding unintended uses for items, I could use some help making sure there aren't any major perks I missed with this substance:

Ebony
A slightly transparent black-purple crystal.
>Bright light damages the properties of ebony, and leaving it in sunlight can render it permanently inert
>Ebony acts as a source of darkness, draining the light from its surroundings. Its darkness can be overpowered by light stronger than its darkness, while weaker light will be extinguished
>Ebony produces great heat in contact with blood, capable of causing searing burns
>Looking at exposed ebony or being engulfed by its darkness makes you tired
>Sleeping near ebony causes a deep sleep and surreal dreams that feel many times longer than they really are. Someone surrounded by ebony may be incapable of waking up on their own
>Vampires are entirely immune to ebony's effects, however human blood on/in a vampire could be affected

Uses I've figured out already:
>Rub it on a bleeding enemy
>Leave it on the beds before a burglary
>Tip a sheathed blade with it for an extremely painful burning strike
>Burn wounds shut
>Give people tiny bleeding cuts and burn-torture them
Anything come to mind?

>Anything come to mind?
craft that shit into a dagger and stab some stupid fucks