An elf has taken up residence in your tree

>a dwarf has taken up residence in your hole

First reply for best reply

Will she be paying rent?
Because I'm pretty sure if she's on the property my landlord doesn't care if she sleeps on the tree or anywhere else, so she's gotta pay rent.

>no fun allowed

Please, Board justice vigilante, pray continue.

URGGHG URGGHHH ELVES NO URGGH DWARVES ONLY DWARVES

Given her long experience with trees she knows how to make cider.

Can she pay rent in alcoholic apple juice?

I feel like the ironclad rule should apply:
It's not _____ if it's an elf.

...

Whüt?

Maybe, but it's an Oak.

The "It's not rape if it's an elf" thing works both ways.

Wild elves don't consider it to be rape if it's them doing it either. But then they don't consider it necrophilia if you were alive when they started fucking you.

Are there apple trees within easy walking distance? If so this could be a way to get her out of your tree and on to someone else's wood.

Or you could man up and at least try and assert your dominance over her.

We've been over this.

Yes, it keeps happening.

Yes, there are many elves in it by now.

Yes, they've formed a primitive society where the strongest elves push the weakest elves out of the tree if they don't receive adequate ear rubs, and have a superstitious fear of my lawnmower. It's like Lord of the Flies but genderswapped.

And that's why it's my favorite tree.

I release the balrog.

>Given her long experience with trees she knows how to make cider.

How does that make sense? That's like being able to make depleted uranium shells because you have long experience with rocks.

Get the fuck out of my tree; there's only room for one of us, and I got here first.

Does she bake cookies?

Uranium is a metal, not a rock.

And it's centuries of experience. She has delved into the deepest wisdom of all things tree.

I need to remember Keebler as a slur for elves, now... Don't know why I didn't think of that before.

It's nowhere bad as cobbler, though.

It's like the difference between nigger and shitskin.

To be fair there's no reason why you can't get metals if you're truly git gud enough at rocks

What they don't tell you about the deepest wisdom of all things tree is that the path leading up to it involves lots and lots of shrooms.

Alright, can rent be paid in master crafted shrooms?

Great. I was a few XP short of a level. Bitch, you better be worth the arrows.

Nah, that's the Elfen education system.

Get the fuck off my tree before i rip you in half you fucking hag, this is the goddamned forest and you'll treat it with some fucking respect

What about hugs? Can rent be paid to the Lord of the Land in hugs?

Technically yes under the Keebler Convention of '05 but the hyperinflation for hugs makes Weimar look like the Silicon Bubble. She'd be standing there hugging you for years on end to pay her mortgage.

Now BUGS on the other hand, are a perfectly acceptable Elfin currency with a strong exchange rate.

Soggy Wet T-shirt elf.

Even better then.

"Oy! Hey! That's my tree, you know!"
"You weren't using it."
"That's hardly the point! Get down here!"
"No. It's comfy up here."
"Please? ...I kinda just want some company."
"...Do you have cheesecake?"
"Uhm..."

Rolled 11 (1d20)

I throw a frying pan at it.

I want to feed a freeloader elf homemade cheesecake until she grows only slightly chubby and has cute, puffy cheeks I can pinch at my leisure.

>"hey, I've got a hammock if you wanna string it to that post over there. Less of a fall risk when you wanna sleep."
>"Or there's room inside for one more, plenty of food to go around, and a spare bed if you want it"

"Dammit honey, I said I was sorry! You know the Gregorian calendar doesn't have enough room for all of the Elven holidays! Please just get down here and talk it out with me, I didn't mean to forget it"

I loved that story when I was a kid.

the balrog is now in the tree next to the one filled with elves

Cut down the tree.

It better be an asbestos tree.

no its in your prized peach tree

>Trent the Ent doesn't appreciate you trying to cut his legs off while he sleeps

My tree is not an ent >:(

I wouldn't notice. My wisdom is pretty low. Am I going to live through the night?

As far as you know. Fuckers are lazy and deep sleepers.

Didn't you notice the leaves swaying when there wasn't any wind, or even a slight breeze? That's an Ent snoring

"You really like cheesecake..."
"'M an elf. 'F your metabolism's a bonfire, mine's a furnace!"
"Wait, so you don't even get fat off all that?"
"Nope! And yes, I know it's not fair."
"So... Why were you in my tree?"
"It was comfy."
"You said, but why were you in anyone's tree? I didn't think elves were real."
"That's not very nice, I mean I'm sitting right here eating cheesecake. If I'm not real, where's the cake going?"
"You're kind of missing my point..."

As long as s/he pays rent it can stay up there.

I cast Eldritch Blast

they better or else the counts going to be angry he aint getting his tree taxes

A better comparison would have been being an expert at making microelectronics because you have experience with rocks.

>Eldritch Blast
Truly the answer to everything

Don't you need to eat and stuff? Why do you hang around this tree all day? Knife ears are weird.

It must be a Keebler. I heard they can survive a full year with one cookie

>a druid has taken up residence in your tree

Now we know what the elfs job is.

Can't even tell the difference. Apart from the monthly satanic ritual

Oh hell no, the last thing i need is an animal orgy on my lawn

Druidism isn't a real job.

Woah there buddy,
Careful with that edge
Druidism is as much a job as any other religion

Fuck bears. Seriously, fuck 'em. They look so cute and cuddly that you cannot resist the urge to cuddle them, to softly boop them on the nose, to gently tug their ears and to give them bellyrubs, but if you try any of that they will fucking maul you. Bears are evil because of how harmless and cute they look.

>You will never, NEVER live in an alternate reality where man domesticated bears instead of dogs

Bears just want you to leave there shit alone mang

There's that one Finnish dude who saved a bear as a cub or something and now it's fully grown but still loves him. He cuddles it and stuff.

Perhaps the same could be said of all wild animals. Imagine an alternate Earth where absolutely every species has been domesticated to be friendly to humans.

>A bee flies into your house
>Instead of buzzing around and stinging you when you try to chase him out, he apologizes for his mistake and leaves politely

I think that only works because he is Finnish.

Finns are fucking strange people.

>Uranium is a metal, not a rock.

Uranium ore, fucktits. Ores are rocks, colloquially speaking.

Bears are pretty smart and can sometimes be domesticated as result. A 100-200 year old breeding program could probably produce bears that are more in line of dogs in their behavior towards humans.

The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.

>The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.
To be fair, loads of dogs can kill you if you upset them for some reason.

Or falls in love with you and tries to sue humanity for honey

>The problem is though you got a dog that can sort of accidentally kill you with a hug.
>accidentally
>"TU QUOQUE, MI URSI"

Only because you don't know how to fight. Humans weight more and pack more of a punch than dogs and we're better at wrestling because of our monkey limbs.

In a fight to death, the human might be hurt badly, but the dog would die.

Bas Rutten actually has a story about he knocked out a rottweiler that tried to kill his dog. He basically just kicked it in the head and it was out.

I'm just going to skip ahead a couple of posts
youtube.com/watch?v=QsGYNfagHlU

youtube.com/watch?v=rYvzbeMwpjw

That movie
That movie is the fucking weirdest shit I've ever seen

What was so weird about it? Haven't seen it.

What the Fuck.

You should watch Sausage party then.

Well, bees basically do just that. They're not aggressive. You can catch one and chuck it outside without getting stung, so long as you don't squeeze it.

Bumblebees, that is. Wasps and hornets are assholes that don't need a reason to poke you full of holes.

Basically a bee "graduates" from bee college, is about to take on a bee job, doesn't know what he wants to do, ends up going out into the world to see how pollination works, falls in love with a human, sues humanity because they "steal honey" and they actually get all the honey in the world given back to them as "reparations" for bees "being enslaved" for the crux of human civilization.

>that
well I know what I'm gonna force my friends to watch so I can feed off their awkward disgustedness today

>An elf has taken up residence in your tree

>shes not interested in you because you fucking stink of BO

Just get a big furry dog, it's not entriely the same, but it's close.

Sound like either a parody of "WE WUZ KANGZ GIMME REPRATUNZ!" or possibly "WE WUZ" played straight.

I'm not sure whats more stupid.

That sounds like your typical coming-of-age movie with a vague marxist/vegan/anticolonialist subtext.

Not any weirder that Zootopia.

Fuck her. My wife will understand.

To be fair, that description only takes up like 2/3 of the movie.

The tree was there before I inherited the estate, and from it's size I'd guess long before its previous owner as well. The tree belongs to the land,not to my estate. It's not as though it bears fruit, anyhow. She may stay.

Mind you the entire thing was written by Jerry Seinfeld many years after he stopped being relevant. I feel like it might be a Jew thing.

So it's only 2/3 retarded.

Does the remaining 1/3 make up for it an any way?

>Romantic Rivalry subplot Starring Jerry Seinfeld and Patrick Warburton
No.

>Jew thing

But it makes fun of lawyers.

Isn't this the third time we have this thread?

Meh, sorta

Basically, all the bees stop working since they have all the honey they'd ever need, all the flowers start to die, at one point they have to steal a flower display from a flower show and fly a plane to NY so that the bees can pollinate the flowers, which causes them all to revive inexplicably, and I think the bee becomes an ambassador or a pollinator, I can't remember which, and the movie ends.

Honestly, I just liked it because Jerry Seinfeld was the voice actor, granted I was a kid at the time but still.

>catched

Self deprecating humor is ubiquitous.

>Implying jewish humor isn't 90% self deprication