Imperium Asunder

>Sky Serpents
Pre-Heresy: [indecipherable rage]
M42: [indecipherable rage]

>Warp Raiders
Pre-Heresy: I suppose it's true that misery loves company.
M42: Don't get in our way and we won't have to crush you underfoot.

>Arms of Asura
Pre-Heresy: THIS ONE!? THIS ONE GETS TO STAY!? THIS WITCH-FIEND ABOMINATION!? [indecipherable rage]
M42: Don't preach to me. Just help me kill them all.

>Undying Scions
Pre-Heresy: Poor Sarco, how terrible that must be for him, trapped in a misshapen, monstrous body.
M42: Your skin is iron but your hearts are not. Leave us be or die.

>Oathsworn
Pre-Heresy: Why didn't they help us?
M42: A just end to a sad story.

>Second Sons
Pre-Heresy: Et tu, Saul?
M42: Burn them all, Saul. Burn them to ash.

>Negators
Pre-Heresy: Buffoons.
M42: You didn't forget us. We remember that.

I feel like Sarco would have fallen to chaos if he wasn't dreadnoughted. Thoughts?

We should flesh out how exactly the Warmaster finds Rubinek and convinces him to join with the very brothers who turned on him centuries ago.

I think the primary thing is that, no matter how much Rubinek hates Balthasar, he hates the Emperor a thousand times more.

Seems logical. He was basically a Khorne berserker waiting to happen, the way I understand it.

Also, he finds out that Xun and Anshul are a thing, and that just pisses him off to no end.

He got chased away, but these fucking witches get to have their own little galactic playgrounds? Xun is a deviant sorcerer and Anshul is both a psyker, a mutant, and a peacenik.

Once he's heard all about Xun all he wants to do is watch everything the Emperor has built burn, no matter what.

Fists here,
Hey Xun, you were helping me out last thread with making Fists characters, i was thinking if you're still into that i'd love some help fleshing out the tech inquisition. Anyone that wants to help with that would be awesome

>tech inquisitio

Interesting.

This stuff comes to mind.

I can imagine some really exotic assassin orders existing in such an organization.

The Forgespace may have something closest to the canon universe's Officio Assassinorum, since the enhancements used in Eversors and Vindicares are highly dependent on the artificers of Mars.

So it may be barking up the wrong tree, but what exactly is counted as tech-heresy in the Forgespace, given that innovation is allowed in at least some circumstances thanks to Sinistrum.

Speaking of the inquisition, I'm thinking that during a meeting after the council of giants, the crusader states agree that they need an inquisition-like body, but not what they need to be exactly, leading to each state having their own body for policing heresy in its own domain.

I'm imagining that there's some flat out restricted technologies/areas of investigation, like AI and some types of warp tech, but what about Xenotech?

I'm also imagining an order devoted to keeping an eye on Forgeworlds across the East.

Ordo Cybernetica
They keep watch over the various Cybernetica Cohorts throughout the East.

Maybe a Knight World oversight? The Knight Watch? (Hehehe get it?)

That makes a lot of sense to me and would also lend itself well to the clusterfuck nature of the East, with some Inquisitions flat out refusing to cooperate with others. Mostly because ALEXIOS IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE ABOUT RELIGION

Much of the age of innovation died with Marcus, its not as strict as OU but generally straying to far from what already exists is herasy and modifying anything Marcus made is herasy. This inquisition would also be going after people that break the Codex Sinister as well,the various rules about mechanicus being forced to share information with the fists and to never take part in warfare

I have to ask, was Sinistrum left handed?

Indeed, his right hand was crippled before he was found and one of his first great creations was a robotic replacement the fist of mars

Did it have a turbo-mode?

What do you think of the Funerary Guard? How would the various inquisitions of the Jade Empire act when dealing with them?

I think they'd be pretty happy working with the Funerary Guard, probably aid in warp matters.

I think really for the most part, the Eastern Imperium gets along fine, except for the Jade Empire and Minorum who have arguments about things that nobody really understands. Then, after Alexios comes out with his Evangelion the Abbots start quietly working with the Obsidian Order. Of course, everyone has secrets to keep and those prevent full cooperation.

And then there's Kor.

Gotcha. So people can commit heresy in two primary ways:
Violating machine-canon, the restrictions are laxer than in the OU in part due to Sinistrum and in part due to the practical needs of recovering and compensating for what was lost in the Exodus.
The other big thing is ensuring the Codex Sinister is adhered to.
I suppose a third thing could be devoted to dealing with Xenotech and Warptech.
Ooh, and maybe a group dedicated to ensuring archaeotech is handled properly.

So
>Ordo Heretekus
>Ordo Politics
>Ordo Malleus/Xenos but Admech style
>Ordo Raiders of the lost ark
And then some liason Ordos to keep an eye on various organizations like the Titan Legions and Cybernetica Cohorts.

In addition, there'd also be the Assassin Temples, of which Vindicare, Eversor, and Vanus would likely be heavily linked to the Forgespace, while Culexus smells more like a Sky Serpents deal. Maybe Callidus too.

There'd probably also be a temple of tech assassins, perhaps some of the Cydonian Sisters brought by Sinistrum from Holy Mars.

What I had written up was that Malcador states an "independent" Inquisition, that while it may not have authority within other peoples states, that have at least a back door into those areas, and ways to monitor them.

It was going to be headed up by the few remaining Custodes, with human "Inquisitors".

> Eastern Imperium gets along fine,
I think its far more interesting if the East is a tenuous alliance of almost warlike states, constant border skirmishes, trade blockades, piracy of others resources (remember we have only over 1/4 of the regular Imperium, so resources to maintain the war efforts would be a serious concern).

Which is why the Senate was formed to provide a means of non-violent conflict resolution, regardless of how useful it actually turns out to be.

I can taste the bitterness. It's great.

It might make sense to have the Negators make the initial contact, or perhaps a set of Eyes posing as/embedded with Negators.
Aodhán's contact with Rubinek may well have been observed by the Warmaster or maybe Aodhán mentioned it quietly to him.
From there it would be a simple matter for the Warmaster to extend an invitation to Rubinek, and suggest Rubinek go on a rampage in the direction of Tepectitlan.
Throw in a promise of territory and support and Rubinek would probably be all for it, not truly trusting anyone, but happy to take the support and promise of being left alone.

>the second point
Very true. But I think there's still some restraint in it, except for the weirdness that is Jade Empire and Minorum relations. I'd think that up by the firewall, there's not the time or free military force to have any sort of major campaign against one of the other states. Weakening one of the border domains weakens everyone. Except those lazy fuckwads, Kor and Alexios, who hide behind the other states and presume to dictate policy.
And then there's the fact that the Fists of Mars have a massive amount of power over all the forges of the East.
So raids and tacit war as you describe, but the front line domains are somewhat united, or rather can't afford open conflict.
So I'm thinking there's small scale strife, but not massive crusades. Occasionally there's a quick war, but it is usually a proxy war with someone trying to secede.

Yeah, no one can afford open conflict, thats why they might raid or pirate trade lanes.

And then deny the ever living christ that it was them, "Probably orkz" "possible pirates in the void" "who knows it could have just been lost in the warp".

>not massive crusades
Exactly, when it looks like its getting that way, the Senate steps in and is like "if you are the aggressor, EVERYONE ELSE will ruin your day. So do the smart thing, let someone else start the fight".

How do they get someone else to start the fight? You annoy them through raids and such, until they openly act against you. Then you claim to be the victim.

Roger. I'm with you now.

So where do we want to host the Senate?
Would also be cool if there were some Custodes kept on hand to enforce Senatorial Edicts.

How about if post-heresy, at the behest of Malcador, a set of Custodes are sent to serve as bodyguards and loyalty checkers to the courts of the Primarchs. To this day, they still serve, but in practice, they're raised and equipped by the court in question.

Well what I figured was that there would be no "real" way to enforce the agreements apart from the idea that everyone agreed so if you don't hold up your end of the bargain then dont expect anyone to honour previous agreements.

The inquisition would be run by them, but operated by humans like usual.

Yeah, it'd be a symbolic thing, really. Still, it'd be a potent symbol since it would basically be censure from the Emperor Ascended.

Then again, the symbolism they represent wouldnt be always positive. I can't imagine how a Primarch would respond to someone whose job it was to protect the Emperor, telling them how to do their jobs.

Just wanted to chime in and say most everyone probably is shity with Fists stockpiling tendencies, they don't like sending out the real war machines unless they believe they have a real chance of pushing past the fire wall.

I think we'd already decided the Negators found the Iron Hearts.

It makes sense that the Eyes would be mixed in with them and would report this stuff. Like you said, the Warmaster only needs to feed Rubinek's bitterness and anger to the point where he doesn't care that the Eyes and the Behemoth Guard and company did nothing to help him, he just wants to see the Emperor cast off his throne.

>Codex Sinister

I like the idea that everyone wrote their own Codex Astartes and then glared at each other from across the round table equivalent for the next several hundred years.

>"I should have copyrighted it."
>--Alexios the White, Primarch of the Angels of Light, in his ME33 Memoirs

I mean the Negators are sent back to entice the Iron Hearts, or did we get that part too before?

>every name begins with "The"

How does it feel to be an absolute pleb OP?

Well, pack up guys. Project's over. Can't continue when we have "The" in every legion's name.

Isn't that just how the works? I mean you can stick it in front of any noun to indicate specifity. I suppose the implication is that English is for plebs?
And that's some bullshit right there. English is awesome.

I'll admit that it does look a little clunky, nut I hardly think it merits changing the image.

That's how English works.

A similar chart for the canon universe would say 'The Blood Angels' and 'The Luna Wolves'.

That probably makes the Scions pretty mad.

That makes a lot of sense and makes their attempts to complete whatever strange war winning weapons they're working on a lot more understandable.

I'm imagining absolutely massive archaeotech constructs, some sort of ordinatus maximus that deploys with a titan legion to guard it.
We can probably work in an event or two where they pull one out and it stops a major threat cold. Catch is that there's a finite number of them, but lately rumor has it that the Fists have been attempting to reverse engineer them and are starting to get somewhere.

It does, but it's mitigated a bit by the fact that a large amount of forge worlds in the Vigil are geared towards outfitting the Scions.

Well, you know that the Art of War is actually older. Xun wrote the original for his astartes when he took command of the legion and then kept updating it. So if anything, Alexios was imitating him. But really, what else is new.
-unnamed General of the Thule Rimeguard, Jade Empire Auxiliae M35

The Scions don't really have their own codex, but the Funerary Guard make sure that the traditions of the original legion are kept to some extent. I guess they're similar to harlequins in that way.

You mean they do cool liturgical drama?

>the deathguard, the emperors children, the ultramarinez, the dark angels.

Colour me confused.

All these plebs writing books. This is how and why Klaus, Engerand, and Raydon has the highest planet tallies under their belt. They actually did things.

>dreadnought interpretive dance
>it's just the robot over and over and over

>Domo origato mr roboto

Ironically, they're also the first loyalist Primarchs to die, possibly in that very order.

fighting on a world for a few months and then moving on does not count as a conquest, little brothers. A true military commander rules over the clay he claims to have won.

Can we actually talk about timelines for deaths and/or daemonic ascensions for the primarchs? Here's what I think I know:

>Klaus is killed at the battle of Terra by the Warmaster after the Emperor dies
>Oramar is killed at the battle of Terra by ?????
>Raydon is killed by Kashaln (sort of) soon after the battle of Terra
>Rubinek is killed by Xun Tohilcoatl at the end of the heresy by ripping out his beating archaeotech heart.
>Engerand gets his leg chopped off and dies a maimed cripple several centuries later or something
>Alexios is murdered in cold blood by Anders Kor
>Anders Kor dies/is lost at the siege of Cydonia by the swarmlord
>Sarco Funerus dies before Nikaea and his corpse is put in a metal box.

Okay so, from what I understand,

>Oramar fights Raydon on Terra and is grievously wounded. He escapes, and is obliterated by another of his brothers, possibly at his own request.

>Raydon is killed by Kashaln sometime before M33. He may or may not be an Emprah deamon now, or be possessing the corpse of a beheaded Warhawks captain, or just be too mad to stay all the way dead.

>Rubinek is killed by Xun at the end of the Heresy. His heart refuses all attempts at destruction and is hidden away somewhere on the edge of the galactic spin, possibly near the Ghoul Stars.

>Marcus is a brain in a jar.

>Engerand dies heroically in one of the early crusades, probably the second or third. Killed by a traitor Primarch? We should discuss that.

>Grahanak... I have no idea what happens to him. Killed during an early crusade? That's another one we have to discuss.

So, Engerand and Grahanak. What are we thinking?

Sarco also "dies" again on Terra when he's sent into a coma by another primarch (either Saul or Kashaln)

"The most important thing I learned is that your sons watch what their leaders do. You can give them classes and lecture them forever, but it is your personal example they will follow."

"I may not be the best combat commander, but I always strive to be. My sons depended on me to carefully analyze every tactical situation, to maximize the resources that I have at my disposal, to think under pressure, and then to lead them by personal example.”
- Raydon Neratos to Alexios the White.

Oramar is killed later, rumours exist it was Raydon that killed him, others say he was only wounded in there battle. None can confirm.

>>Raydon is killed by Kashaln (sort of) soon after the battle of Terra
Relative I guess, but its about 3k later.

>Oramar fights Raydon on Terra
Post terra, The Warhawks by and large aren't at terra. They arrive much later when everyone is fleeing East.

>>Raydon is killed by Kashaln sometime before M33.
Correct. Dates are iffy but around then yes.

>Engerand
I like the idea he is wounded early, suffers another serious injury in the first crusade, something like he is wounded by a nurgle blade - seeing the corruption in his arm(?) he just chops it off to ensure it doesnt spread. flash forward to 3rd crusade. He has lost his leg, his arm, and eye, half his nose, scars everywhere. He finally dies not to a daemon Primarch, but to a Champion who has been blessed by the gods. Maybe a Slannesh follower. Preferably not from any of the original traitor legions but a chaos Warband. Comparitively a no-body.

>Grahanak
Went full Russ, disappeared into the Warp to terrorise the demons. By all rights should be dead, but legends persist that he will arrive come the end of days.

The Warmaster died in vitro and his legionaires have propped up a puppet that doesn't exist.

It is either Saul or Kashaln, right?

I thought it was Aodhan.

Or Saul/Gengrat dealt him some festering injury on Armageddon that eventually progressed to the point of putting him in a coma.

PROMPT.
Tell us about a recruiting planet used by your legion.
>why do they use it
>whats its environment like
>societies amd cultures
>does the legion/chapter maintain rigid control of it, allow it to progress at its own pace, or keep it in technological stasis.
>is it the sole recruitment planet or one of many
>what rites need to be completed by hopeful initiates.
>anything else interesting

I think we should work on fleshing that part out. It was probably one of the three, but I haven't really done much on the Scions' part in the Heresy aside from Armageddon and Malphas.

Planet: designation: helion prime
Location: classified.
>why: the inhabitants raised there have very similiar cultural tendencies to Warhawks. In addition those recruited from the planet seem to have moderately higher acceptance rates to the geneseed.
>society: the planets populace is broken into various groups. Warlords and their tribes, wasteland scavengers, wasteland nomads, and road gangs.
-- Warlords: are dictators who seek to seize and control the precious few resources through "military". Characterised by having an armed force, a geographical headquarters, and seeking expansion.
-- Scavengers: are those who reside in settlements, populated by traders and workers. Typically will has a small defence force to deter raids and enforce law. Characterised by having a central location and attempts at imposing civil order and/or trade.
-- Nomads: those who wander the wasteland in search of resources, both in small groups, large caravans, and solo. Are the primary gatherers of the wasteland and form the basis of most trade settlements.
-- road gangs: raiders who survive of pillaging settlements and attacking nomad caravans. Typically too weak to attack warlord encampments.
> the planet is a desert wasteland. Classified as a deathworld, it has scattered ruins across its surface. Scholars suggest it was once a vibrant world which underwent possibly exterminatus.
>control: the legion has had the planet cordoned off under the guise of a plague world. Otherwise the anarchistic society keeps itself from developing.
> it is one of a handful of planets, most recruits coming from the crew of the Hawk Fleets.
> rites include: the test of the run, test of the wilds, test of the hunt, and finally the right of challenge.

The Angels' primary recruitment center is a star cluster in the northern reaches of Imperium Minorum called The Varangir Stars. The cluster is a wide crescent of white dwarfs, blue giants, and nebulae, and there are few rocky planets. However, the cluster has many superjovians with icy moons and planetoids, and on these worlds Imperial colonists settled during the golden age of technology.

The moons of Varangir are far too harsh to support technologically civilized society, and the worlds regressed quickly to medievalist technobarbarians. However, the archaeotech skyhooks and interplanetary vessels they had created were cunning in design, needing little maintenance, and did not require technical understanding to be piloted effectively. As the Varangirans regressed, they managed to hold on to interstellar travel within the cluster, and maintained a loose hegemonic empire based on warrior clans.

When the White Angel came with the Emperor's crusade, The Varangirans knelt in obeisance, pledging their people to New Constantine and the Angels of Light. Varangiran Huskarls served as the primary auxiliary force to Angels of Light expeditions, fortifying and holding what the rapid assaults of the Angels took.

To be chosen to join the Angels, a Huskarl must earn battle honors fighting alongside marines, must prove himself a competent rider in the Hippodrome, and must publish an original thesis on matters of theology, strategy, statecraft, or other topics of significance. Such marines are recruited into the Comitatenses, bolter armed line soldiers. Further honors and great works are required to rise among the angels, and only the wisest and keenest can hope to join the pantheon of Arch-Angels.

Should I do Amaranth or another one? I'm not sure if I've fleshed out the Scions' homeworld enough.

>Huskarl must earn battle honors fighting alongside marines
Sounds like he is going to be 18-22 minimum.

>competent rider in the Hippodrome
Donno what that even means

>publish an original thesis on matters of theology, strategy, statecraft, or other topics
So he is like what 26-30+ before they even become an initiate.

At which point they are almost certainly unable to accept the geneseed and assosciated implants.

Well done on making a completely unsustainable chapter.

Whichever. Both. Up to you.

>thesis
Thats Doctor Bishop Captain Space Marine to you, Peasant.

Spess Wulfs recruit 10-14 year old boys from Fenris. You can ride a jetbike, fight in battle, and write an essay by age 14.

>>competent rider in the Hippodrome
>Donno what that even means

learn yourself some history
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippodrome

Not him, but thats rediculous.

Any 1 of the 3 sure. 2? Maybe some genius character. All 3? For every recruit? No way.

Its that thing about Batman. Can a man lift xyz amount of weight? Sure its possible. Can a man run xyz speed. Sure its been done. Can a man master various disciplines of science by age 30 sure, possible. Can 1 made lift the weight, run the speed, AND master the science. No. Not at all. You would need to dedicate yourself to any 1 pursuit to do achieve those levels, you cant give your all to multple things at the same time.

True, but i think the essay thing was pretty unique. So points for that.

Nobody's saying anything about being a master.

>Fight in a real battle at least once
>Be able to ride a bike
>Know how to fucking read

These are not high standards

To be fair those aren't really the same thing.

>Fight in a real battle at least once
=/= earn battle honours
>Be able to ride a bike
That's fair
>Know how to fucking read
I think there is a pretty big gap between being able to read and write and being able to prduce an original thesis on theology, strategy or statecraft.
These are things people spend 6+ years learning about, before they are halfway competent in understanding them.

Is it just me or do you cop more flak than other posters.

To be fair, the way you phrased it did sound a lot more like

Marcus gets mortally wounded fighting mars, which hasn't been fleshed out at all unfortunately.

>fighting mars
>mars

HE FIGHTS A PLANET?

Forgot the picture.

opps

But yeah, he does. I think, in part, because of writing styles. That or someone has it out for Alexios.

On a tangent, can't they make Astartes out of older people? Not Luther/Kor Phaeron age, but Yesugi age.

to my knowledge, the older you are the less effective the gene implants are as well as the rate of rejection increases dramatically.

So while its possible to make older ones, you would need to recruit magnatudes more to have a similiar acceptance rate.

So in essence, the chapters recruit younger aspirants because its the only way to ensure sufficient rates of reinforcements.

It would be a trade off, if it wasn't much faster and easier to teach an astarte than it is to train/teach a regular human.

>Theologia Euangelia Volume 546 Psalm 468 Verse 4862

A flight of Angels sat upon the cliffs of kythera, talking amongst themselves to pass the long hours of their overwatch. The greatest among them, Razaios the Red Seraph, turned to one of the lesser angels, his face dour. He spoke in a gruff, judgemental tone, "Tell me, little cherub, what illumination did you bring to the Libraries of Constantine? How did you earn your wings?"

The little angel was unsure of himself, but he spoke all the same, "My lord... I... wrote of the virtue of tubers over graincorn as a means of feeding manufactorum workers." The flight of angels erupted with laughter, but a stern look from Razaios quieted them.

The Seraph loomed over the cherub, and spoke authoritatively, "This is not something to be mocked. This cherub's work was deemed valuable by the clerks of New Constantine and the authority of the White Angel..." he suddenly showed a wide grin, "I am sure the Lectitio Potatus was a great contribution." The angels laughed and laughed, even the little potato cherub.

I lol'd. If I were taking Greek right now, I'd translate that for an assignment. Instead, I'm writing an account of my Knight slaying a Greater Daemon in battle in Hebrew.

> Θεολογία Euangelia τόμος 546 ψαλμό 468 στίχος 4862

Μια πτήση των Αγγέλων kάθισε πάνω στα βράχια των Κυθήρων, να μιλούν μεταξύ τους για να περάσει τις πολλές ώρες της Overwatch τους. Το μεγαλύτερο από αυτά, Razaios ο Ερυθρός Σεραφείμ, μετατράπηkε σε μία από τις λιγότερο αγγέλων, kατηφής το πρόσωπό του. Μίλησε σε μια τραχύς, επιkριτιkό τόνο, «Πες μου, μιkρό αγγελούδι, τι φωτισμό έφερες στις Βιβλιοθήkες του Κωνσταντίνου; Πώς να kερδίσετε τα φτερά σου;"

Το αγγελούδι ήταν σίγουρος για τον εαυτό του, αλλά μίλησε όλοι το ίδιο, "Κύριέ μου ... εγώ ... έγραψε την αρετή των kονδύλων πάνω graincorn ως μέσο για την σίτιση των εργαζομένων manufactorum." Η πτήση των αγγέλων ξέσπασε σε γέλια, αλλά μια αυστηρή ματιά από Razaios τους ησυχάσει.

Ο Σεραφείμ εμφανίστηkε πάνω από το χερουβείμ, kαι μίλησε έγkυρα, "Αυτό δεν είναι kάτι που πρέπει να εμπαίζεται. Το έργο της αγγελούδι που kρίθηkε πολύτιμη από τους υπαλλήλους της Νέας Κωνσταντίνου kαι της αρχής του Λευkού Αγγέλου ..." ξαφνιkά έδειξε ένα πλατύ χαμόγελο, "είμαι βέβαιος ότι η Lectitio Potatus ήταν μια μεγάλη συνεισφορά." Οι άγγελοι γέλασε kαι γέλασε, αkόμα kαι το μιkρό αγγελούδι πατάτας.

thanks google

Apsirants are recruited from across the Jade Empire. While most are drawn from tithes from feral worlds, a good number are drawn from the Schola Progenium equivalent. There youths are trained in the arts of war and civil service and they, as much as applicants from the proletariat or the children of administrators make up the ranks of the civil service and military command.
Those who fail to become astartes for reasons of biological incompatibility often go on to serve in the Auxilia or take the exams to enter the ruling Bureaucracy.

On civilized worlds, schools funnel gifted children into the Schola system, but it also serves as a place for orphans from military personnel.
Recruitment is managed centrally, or at least monitored centrally and aspirants are distributed to the Tzolkin from central command, though as often as not, it's just in the notional form of a Tzolkin being tasked to recruit some number of new Astartes.

Aspirants are thrown into trials together, many of which involve lateral thinking. Other challenges are designed to be impossible to complete and aspirants are judged based on how they work as a team and how they deal with an impossible task. They also have children beat the crap out of each other, but Astartes all do that. They're less likely to put the aspirants in mortal peril, however, since the legion trials aren't testing for competence, they know they've got good aspirants. They're seeing who can be an astartes and those who can't make good soldiers and administrators.
I'm thinking they take the process slow and keep up the trials throughout. As a result, you've got a decent amount of half-astartes in leadership roles civil and military. (It's just the initial procedure that has to start early, right? If not, then they'll do it all at a go like everyone else.)

>Void Lords
I'm imagining they recruit from worlds they attack. They herd the children and then scare them, like figure out their worst fear and make them fight it in a horrific acid trip.
If they survive, they join the crew and if they're biologically compatible become astartes. Otherwise they're servitors.

I think this has been said before but I think the Serpents would be improved if they try and stick to a certain thing.
For example
> most are drawn from tithes from feral worlds
cool, I'd love to hear more about tha...
> good number are drawn from the Schola Progenium
Oh, well thats cool too.

I think everyone understands that the legions/chapters recruit from a variety of sources, so I think the writing would be improved by picking a theme and sticking to it, rather than trying to do multiple things at once.

As you went on to write about the Schola, I feel like thats what you were going for in theme. Which btw is a cool and unique idea.

Also:
>biological incompatibility often go on
to die, the implants either take, or they kill you. At best leave you servitor meat.

Also, on a more positive note (I know this has been abit of a downer) I like the idea of aspirants having to work as a team. I've never seen any chapter in the OU do that.

This is also awesome.

I'd like to finish off with, whilst this was pretty heavy critism, im only writing it because judging from previous threads you've been open to critique and im hoping to help out your writing.

Bloodhounds recruit primarily from Karach during the crusade and the heresy. Afterward they still recruit from Karach's population but also include slave stock from raids and tribute from lesser warbands. Karachian culture is pic related.

Aspirants have to survive a Most Dangerous Game / Lord of the Flies situation, set free in the jungles of Karach and told they will be hunted. Sometimes aspirants are the children of proletariat serfs, other times they are the second or third sons of aristocratic or burgher houses. If they outwit their hunters for long enough, they are welcomed as recruits. If they are captured, they are killed. Sometimes they are set loose in groups, sometimes alone, but always they are given the same tools: a bone knife, a bolt pistol, and a well trained hound. The hounds of those who survive are traditionally kept in a communal kennel at their company's hunting lodge.

Thanks user. I think I'll focus on the Schola system. Make it so all the tithes flow into there and point out that it's where most the elites come from, be it mechanicum adepts, administrators, officers, or astartes.

I think I heard something about Alpha Legion testing groups, but I don't know where or when.
And cnc away. I post here because I want feedback and collaboration.
And one of these days I'll post stories, but grad school has been eating my writing time.

Whats with this language being used lately.
>proletariat
>burgher
you're not the only poster to use it. It seems pretentious to say
> proletariat serfs

Unless ofcourse its a commonly used term in your language in which case carry on user, i live a cloistered life.

Have you read literally any 40k fiction, ever?

What happens to the hounds of those they catch?