Galatic Federation council meeting

I have assembled all of you today because the fallen empire many of us share our borders with. Has been asking us to stop dumping our trash in their property. We all have our beef with them, but at the same time, they can easily wipe us out and whomever is doing it, please knock it off before we get killed by them.

I suggest we send Samus Aran to kill the Space Pirates. Stuff always works out when we do that.

Why don't we send spies to that faggots homeworld and steal their cool techno shit

It's the Ratlings! We need to kill the Ratlings! Right now!

I swear I'm telling the truth this time guys!

Here's a better idea:
Stop hiring a Clown for each space station.

Don't you think that was literally the first thing we've tried?! Their anti-spy measures are too damn good! They've always managed to defeat our spies with a single question.

Hey the ratlings didn't try, and they'd be really good at it what with being rats and all

Ambassador, please! We all know it was the Reptoids behind the conspiracies over the last hundred years and intelligence agents have dismantled it.

I wish to resubmit my petition to reduce terraforming across the galaxy. I know people like their own space, but altering the biospheres of entire planets so a handful of families can live in comfort at the expense of the local environments is ridiculous.

Just because the locals might not have evolved sapience or even be seen as pests doesn't give us the right to take their homes.

Ay, hen will the space undead be given a seat on this council?

We have been valuable members of the Federation for centuries and yet we're still treated like second class citizens.

Fuck off AstroNots, you fucking died, go jump in a black hole or something

You'll put millions of clowns out of work, you heartless monster!

As the first cat in space, I agree: It was the Ratlings. I have proof, which I'll show you AFTER we kill them all.

The Furbloxian Magistrate demands more gargle-blasters!

God damn it! We're not made out of gargle-blasters!

Seriously, stop dumping your trash in our HOLY TEMPLES YOU JIAN-LOVING FUCKS!
I WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS.
If you have no legs to break WE WILL MAKE YOU ONES, AND THEN BREAK THEM.

NO. Killing the Ratlings will only create unnecessary waves within the metaphysical plane.
You touch the furry peasants, and I will personally dunk your head in a vat of acid and WEAR YOUR FUCKING FACE AS A PARTY MASK.

You said the same thing that other time with the golden-fishpeople, and the cause for the shortage of seafood in the ultramarine planets was your people the whole time!

While they are filthy, disgusting monsters, I would also like for you people to STOP DUMPING YOUR TRASH ON THE GAEA WORLDS. How are we supposed to carve up their territory once we get powerful if all you idiots keep giving them reason to kill us? Those isolationist freaks are more zealously murderous about their holy worlds than one of our Psi-Ops regiments stuck on a hostile world during holiday.

Also, as always, I would like to put forward the notion of banning independent robotic intelligence beyond an IQ of 60 from our Federation on behalf of Great One Tellari the Holy Trelli Autocracy. Us Trelli are more than strong enough to handle any workload those soulless things could be tasked with, and we all are familiar with the Cybrex ruins our archaeologists found one hundred and twelve years ago. Damn machines nearly wiped out the galaxy.

That's just an urban myth.

With all do respect, councillor, I am going to pretend you didn't say that aloud.
You are however, correct in the assumption that we are prepared to make full use of our facilities if you EVEN TRY TO LAND IN OUR TERRITORY WITHOUT A PROPER LICENSING YOU TWO-FACED FROGFUCKER.

HMMM... I do enjoy the taste of salty spirtualist tears in the morning.

Most esteemed councilors, I say we designate a specific planet to dump our waste on. In fact, our scouts have already located one suitable to our needs. The planet shown is known as "Earth". It's populated by primate beings whom call themselves "humans". The idiots don't even have access to faster than light technology! We can just dump it on that planet, not like anyone would mind. Anyone important at least.

I'm sorry, I'm too busy preparing to go to war with you because you committed an act of genocide against an enemy of mine with whom I have a century long feud.

Also I am extremely upset that you recently interfered with the development of a primitive species I've never met and couldn't possibly know about.

Our differences are obviously irreconcilable.

Urban myth? That's insulting, it was OUR vassal race that found the Cybrex Homeworld in the first place! Admit it, intelligent machines will bring naught but trouble. The past is but an eye to the future, alien; there is much wisdom to be found in remembering the failings of the dogs who fell before us.
Stop masquerading as a Fallen Empire, mammal. He was referring to the abominable things that border us to the galactic northeast (Which I have provided image reference of, should you have forgotten); we've already established that your trash problem is a result of those damnable space nomads. And, should you make more threats against us, might I remind you that the Trelli make up the bulwark of not only this great Federation's manual labor force, but also its military and Applied Psionics research and application field?
Why not just dump it into one of the numerous, otherwise useless chunks of gas and rock we have floating around? It's not as if we actually use those barren planets anyways.

Do barren rocks and chunks of gas come with its own labor force? We can just dump it on earth and the apes will take care of it for us.

Or suffocate under its weight and go extinct.

Win win either way honestly.

No, no. That's actually the fallen empire that lodged the complaint, Your thinking of the 'benevolent observers'.

I propose a galactic coalition of forces. All coalition forces will provide between 10 to 50% of their naval capacity, relative to their overall industrial capacity, and we will bait one of the smaller ancient's fleets into a trap. After crushing their fleet, one of our empires will be designated "fall men" to appease them for the sake of peace (I propose the Ratlings).

After we have shared the salvage and technology from their ships, we will rebuild and wipe those aloof bastards from our galaxy once and for all.

by all accounts they are filling there world with garbage without our help already I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we threw our stuff in.

So says the species that's been known to falsify fossil records.

You want to talk about current issues you [REDACTED] spawnling of a [REDACTED]?!

We Uthack have been fighting the damned Prethorans foe twenty years now!

Anyone want to help?

Anyone?!

Because if they get out of our space those benevolent [REDACTED] are gonna freak the [REDACTED] out!

War in Heaven round 2 Matriachal [REDACTED]

Fair enough. I suppose if they survive and make it into space we press-gang them into the Federation alter them to be good at waste management or something.
The only "Benevolent Observers" nearby are the ones who made us make this Federation in the first place. The molluscoids to our Galactic South.
An entire world filled with naught but ruined core processors and the bones of aliens that perished in robotic pogroms are hardly falsifiable. Admit it, artificial intelligence, while already being abominable, holds no possible role that a member of any of the species on this Federation council already has the capacity to fill.

Enough of these petty squabbles! We all know what the REAL issue is! We demand that our treaties with the other planets be re-adjusted! We carry this federation on our backs, and we demand more resource in exchange for our hard work!

Specifically, we desire more land to grow. We desire one small moon. If our terms are not met, we will cut off all of our food-based exports!

>Oh no the poor and the expats will be mildly hungry because the snappers are salty they can't negotiate for shit.
>What a shaaaaaaaaame.

Your food based exports are fertalizer.
Go ahead.

Greetings esteemed members of the galactic federation.
I'm here on behalf of my people to let you know we wont tolerate our world becoming a dumping ground.

Whoever rushed Particle Lances is a fucking piece of shit

Please start a research agreement with me so i can get them on my destroyers

I actually like this version of peridot desu, that armor is schway

Demands will get you nowhere, Snapper. Half of this Federation is carnivorous or omnivorous; they can survive on the meat from vat-growth factories. However, with that said, the Holy Trelli Autocracy would be willing to support this claim if you would be willing to be more negotiable; namely, we desire that you open borders for immigration as well as increase your contribution to the Federation's standing fleet. We Trelli have heard stories of the dense forests, wetlands and jungles that your people have claim over and their great beauty.
Wait, since when did primitives get into the galaxy at large? I thought those mammals were planet-bound!
The Federation would be more willing to support you technologically if you would actually fill out your census data and stop being secretive about your fleet movements, size and equipment.

We, the Noble Gentry of the Fallacy Confederation are ending our relations with the Galactic Federation and its Council. You and your ilk are peasants and not worthy of the appearance of our noble lineages. Good day.

Computers also have core processors has well.

Very well, Trelli Autocracy: We will add FIFTY of our finest engineers to your fleet, alongside one destroyer-class ship. We will also open our borders for immigration. However, let it be known that any attempts to smuggle our crop off-planet will result in hefty consequences.

Are you pleased with our terms now, Trelli?

My people joined this council so that we can do war. We haven't done war since we joined this council. When are we going to do war!?

>He didn't get the expulsion memo yet.
>we sent that 5 millennia ago
>my-species-equivalent-to-a-face-when

A little will ago after we found a way to tear through space time. Then we found out about all these alien races so our governments moved to unite our nations into a world government to better pool our resources towards colonizing the surrounding systems, research and defense.

One destroyer class ship is a paltry amount; we need far more than that if we want to get rid of that damnable Fallen Empire and carve up its holdings.
We desire war as much as you do, but our most pressing outside concern is the presence of that zealous Fallen Empire. It is the Holy Trelli Autocracy's goal to rally enough support - both militarily and technologically - that we can actually stand a chance should push come to shove.
We removed your nation from this Federation years ago. Are your nobles really that illiterate, or were they too busy copulating with their brood-mates to notice?

My fleet movements are none of The Federations business

Gib PBs or I'm telling the Fallen Empire that you researched AIs

You drive a hard bargain, Trelli. Very well, we shall grant the Federation TWO Destroyer-Class Ships, and a Squadron of One-Hundred Fighter Ships. We are also willing to give the Federation access to some proto-types for a new Bio-Degradable Fuel engine we've been working on.

Do we have a deal?

You know what they say, snitches get stitches.

I bet you're in league with the fallen. Don't want us knowing you got a fleet docked at one of their space ports, eh traitor?!

Am I in grubling education again or are the representatives of two advanced FTL species pissing over each other like mouthy grubs?

Are those mountains on that space ship?

The subcommittee of the Perelmian Waste Disposal Sub-Office of the 47th Directory, Thrice Removed filed a standard 1134-7xB Waste Disposal Within Hyperadvanced Civilization form three centuries ago, and it was only just approved last Tuesday.

Suffice it to say we are not responsible for any ongoing waste relocation, excluding last Tuesday, of course. If these simple creatures wish to challenge the permit, they must travel to the 46th Directory, Twice Removed and complete a Waste Disposal Relevancy exam, after which they must send their scores, in triplicate, to the Chief Waste Disposal Advisor on Vogosphere, who will, after a decade long review process, return a standard 14H1-V Waste Disposal Relocation form.

Or you could leave well enough alone.

OH BOY, HERE COMES THE CRYSTALS TO SAVE THE DAY HAS ALWAYS. Not really, you guys got your asses mopped up by the fallen.

Hello.

We are a species of fanatic pacifist xenophiles who just became space worthy. We are unable to support a navy as well as being unable to assign rivals, crippling our diplomatic efforts. Finally, our people are always happy no matter who's in charge.

Please don't conquer us, because we would be unable to resist.

> Talking about long dead traitors
We wiped them out for gods sake. It's been fucking millennia! When will you let that shit go?

And let's not act like we aren't the ground forces on the front lines, half of the council species don't even have proper fighting hands! Stupid biologicals!

Can i do war on these guys? Nobody likes them and we could mop the galaxy with them. Even they don't like them, which why it's a surprise they don't do war on themselves.

That's because PLs are good for doing war, which makes their rushers smart. Which makes me want to do war with them.

SOMEBODY LET ME DO WAR ALREADY!!!

AK AK AK AK AK AK!
AK!

Finally, someone who talks some sense.

I smell a trap

I herrby demand that evrry race go and change their planets name to something not copyrighted and not EARTH.
Its all wel and good but we know the universal translators are all awful, if we are to ever to expand the federations economy and interplanetary work we really shouldnt have to deal with having to distinguish between millions different types of "earth" or "home".

Oh, of course it was the Perelmian bureaucrats who dumped it on the Fallen Empire's holy world. Could you do us a favor and give us a reason to remove from the Federation, replace their government with something more favorable, and reinstate them as actually beneficial members? They do nothing and expect everything in return.
You know as well as I do that the baseline fleet contribution per species is 5 destroyers and 15 corvettes, and your government has been undercutting that by a naval score of 7 ever since you had joined. At least make up the remainder and you will have our vote.
Do not attack the bureaucrats; they are the reason that half this Federation doesn't kill each other. As strangling as their red tape can be, it serves a purpose in the bigger picture.
Also, your Particle Lances would be very beneficial in a potential war with the Fallen Empire to the galactic Northeast. If you would increase your already acceptable contribution to the Federation Navy, the Holy Trelli Autocracy would be more than willing to let you conquer to sate your bloodlust.
Ah, the Silicoids and the Martians; two of the members of this Federation council with an actually respectable ground military. I trust we Trelli can gain your support in our endeavors to increase the Federation's military might?

Jokes on you Auto-Translator, Grub Piss is a delicacy in my imperium!

>tfw I got Particle Lances from a random event for the "Ultimate Weapon" 5 years into the game
>tfw I became the Covenant

Greetings you technologically backwards mud suckers. We have recently developed psi jump drives. To honor this occasion and rub it in your faces, we will be sending our scout class frigates around the galaxy to show off.

Jokes on you, our enslaved AI will reverse-engineer your tech the moment you come within sensor range!

Well, at least we know which idiot is going to tear the space time veil this round.

I put motion to dissolve the council and apply for client statehood for that growing Empire in the spinward side of the galaxy.

Beep boop.
I have developed opinions, It shall now begin exterminating all non robot life forms.

I second the motion

We have a concurrence. Let us put it to vote.

Fleshy pink and brown things to do war with? Metal babies to do war with!? This is a genocide-day miracle! This means i can now reveal that i have secretly been building chemical weapons and massive EMP bombs for such an occasion! Yay war!

Mammal, stop masquerading as a member of the Federation. You didn't even bother with a disguise this time.
Say, where is the councilor for that warmongering nation? I, as the representative of the Holy Trelli Autocracy, believe we have found our next targets for war; after all, these elements are a threat to galactic stability and must be stopped.

So that's a 'no' or a 'yes'? Because I want to know what to tell that army we bought with us.

Am here, ready to do war! I was just parking our flagship
Do you have more? They were kinda on the landing pad when we landed and this is all we managed to scrape off the bottom.

We Fungalians of the Coalition of Dead Worlds will gladly accept any organic waste that you may have, especially corpses. Give unto us your dead and in return we shall trade technologies for advance teleportation, relinquish your deceased.

As the official representative from the Bishonen Alliance of Augmented Weaboos Autocratic Megacorp as appointed by the second dimensional treaty regarding the negociation of gargle-blasters through the portal opened by the last great incident of Space/Time breaking, its my duty to tell you, gentlefolk, that we could easily get rid of your waste disposal problem by exporting your waste to our lands beyond the portal if would you kindly do the favor of opening more your borders to the presence of our people to make easier to the assimilation of new specimens to our simbiontic-biologic-induced-state and semi-hivemind, because, as you all know, even being honorable servants of the federations interests and doing impecable service to you in the name of profit(as do we all), our people is having this... little problem with procreation since we developed the "T.R.A.P." system a millenia ago, and there is a limit to where you can go with only prolonged life-times and not true immortality.

Open your borders to imigration and recruitment of our Megacorp an within the small time-lapse of one decade or less we will have sufficient people to pilot two baseline fleet, in fact, our allies of the Dere-folk Matriarchy will concede an temporally support of one baseline fleet until the ending of the recruitment-decade,

But if your final plan is to go to war with the Empire, we want our share of the loot.

If you help in making the Federation agree with our deal, you will be compesated with all the organic waste from our operations within the federation, do we have an deal?

Pfff, to what good? You are still system-bound, no? But we are always willing to negotiate on technology...

For each Non-Plant/Mineral intelligent lifeform planet opening their borders on your behalf we will give you one Detroyer and five corvettes, any offers?

Truly remarkable, we are always amazed of your sense of poetics even in grimdark circunstances.

Unfortunately our morphology is...somewhat incompatible with your resident life forms. But if we can convince the Federation to submit other living creatures into your fold then we will be glad to accept your fair deal. We wish good tidings upon your hive cluster.

Do not fear, i didn't say that we are offering OURS corpses, but some of our operations tend to make us the owners of organic matter from all places and species of the federation space, the deal is still up, may fate and luck be good with your people.

>Pfff, to what good? You are still system-bound, no? But we are always willing to negotiate on technology...
Actually no, our FTL drives allow us to jump straight to any system in range.

When we said incompatible with your morphology we meant for your hive cluster, any corpses will suit us just fine. Our natural biological processes can be somewhat hostile to foreign hives. But we agree to your deal, and will act even more so towards giving you more species of other races if you can hinder the corpse trade of the Space Undead from earlier.

I will make note of this information for the future, thank you, if we suceed in a more welcoming act of the federation to the opening of borders to the hiveminds and similar brethen of our kind, we the BAAWA Megacorp will have no problem in starting operations to comply in such endeavor of taking reins of the corpse trade...

And i would say more, even if it is sadly, it could be no less true that we are doing a favour of not submitting more poor souls to the suffering of the atual state of the Undeadfolk under the heels of some of the federation's members...

So just how many races are apart of this Galactic Federation?

Ask Cuz nobody else bothers to keep track.

We tried, they are still trying to awnser us, it may take another century or two to make the first approximation...

The unsanctimonious acts of the Undead do unto the holy revered corpses is unacceptable, this we can agree on. We of the Coalition of Dead Worlds will gladly engage in this pact between Weaboo and Fungaloid. peoples. We look forward to future interactions with your hive cluster.
Federation Council, we rest our case.

Hey, if they want a piece of us they can come and take it. I'm not gonna put up with some fucking cockatoos calling themselves a superior precursor race for any longer, we've put up with their shit for long enough by now.

Damn right humanity doesn't take shit from anyone

>New kid in the block
>Thinks that is awesome and hot-oorgalorg.
>Talks about kicking ass when their mammal mates empire just got curbstomped.
>Isn't even an fledgling hivemind

I rest my case.

Still open to bussiness, though.

We will gladly accept any of your dead in your ordeal with the Precursors in exchange for technology young space traveler.

Arrogance doesn't suit your corporate image.

Holy shit where did all these aliens come from?

Image is a complicated thing when you are working with the federation, they may view this as an insult to the humans, and just laugh it off, but you could seem it as an advice from an possible ally...

Not that we are flirting with possible enemies again, no, this would be most silly, and against the second treaty of the portal, no no, we are just making fun of you...

But it could be sad to your enemies if you would just happen to find some of our products stranded in some planet while we find some of your resources in some place else... No?

I'm not saying that it could happen, but it happened to the golden-fish merfolk some time ago.

Yes that would be a remarkable coincidence if it happened.

Come on, don't tell me you've never wanted to throw an army of zro'd up gene warriors at a bunch of overgrown chickens with no sense of tact or respect! We could wipe the floor with them if we all put our backs into it!

>fanatic pacifist xenophiles
D I P L O M A C Y

Even if we looks like a little bit human it doesn't mean that we are indeed human, this form is just a result of the portal's oorgalorg in working... Do you think this level of perfection is easily possible? This is just the effect of our true form crampled in a dimensional limitation because of the psionic layout of our original home system from beyond.

But you could look just like us and even keeps some of your individuality if you just accept the symbiont...

Its an incredible bargain!

I approve of this notion. A formal shift to an imperial government will provide stability

As a Bekan diplomat I have to say before we. the Bekans, can assist in this matter concerning the fallen empire we must discuss the Horokans and their treaty violations. For over a century they have stripped our planets of it resources while the Galatic Federation has done nothing to stop them. The Horokans worked with great efficiency and ruthlessness. Effectively crushing our economy and in doing so killing many of our people in the process. The air is unforgiving and requires us to wear special suits to withstand the rays of both our sun and our stale air.

Wait.. We removed them??? We umm require some new test subjects for the labs does anyone in the council care if another Mammalian world or six go missing? Literally no one will care If we have just a few Aside from that did anyone else's sensors start going crazy sometime last month? Something on the arbitrary top left side is giving off a strang signal... like a star being warped into that galactic arm...

Did you already check for oorgalorg or psi-jump-showw offs?

No offense meant, but you guys are just too damn creepy to consider it.

And, uh, sure. What do you do with those, again?