Mage Guild

What now? Humanitaria... What's so special about humanity?
It's a big magical thing that's going to break everything and can't be reasoned with.
When else am I going to be able to use "monster" if not now? Damned Political Correctomancers..

Borb: Nah, he can be reasoned with. He's a bit of a dick but you just got to speak his language.

Dorb: Which isn't pronounceable for most mortals. Probably because it sounds like a dying whale taking a massive crap in the ocean.

I have an idea if the manual doesn't include instructions, all we have to do is bind it to a golem. Which may have been in the manual.

If the esteem fartbag the Archwizard had read my paper on Ol'sd'wer'qweeq 3 decades ago, you would know that Ol'sd'wer'qweeq hold over circles sized 9-12 inches only holds true if it was a perfect circle. So a (incoherent swearing) half-inch break in our pointy hat renders Ol'sd'wer'qweeq a complete non-issue. NEXT!

Forgot my namefagging

I thought the archwizard said it was far beyon- oh! Human comprehension, not comprehension in general.
Well that changes a few matters. In that case we just need to persuade him- er, it a little.

Another point I might as well tack onto this meeting; there have been an unusually high amount of hauntings in the city as of late. It's mostly under control, but.. Is anyone here responsible for this?
Immortal spirits don't exactly return to this realm just because they wanted to complete a crossword or make sure they didn't burn a cake. Those actually happened, yesterday. Something wierd's going on.

I trust that none have brought said hats to this meeting? Lest Ol'sd'wer'qweeq have power over the Mage Guild. Thus rendering us useless now.

The Answer is always simple. Fists are not round SO CAST FIST on all of his one thousand faces !

Talking is for sissies ! A true master of the universe uses his fists to PUNCH HIS PROBLEMS AWAY !
Which reminds me... all of you here wearing hats with a 9-12 inch please hand over your hats for me to shape them with my fists until we have a more permanent solution.
[Mentallo proceeds to punch a random hat into a non circler shape]

Have we considered the possibility of hats with even wider brims?

[Mentallo stops mid hat punching and stares at the anonymous young wizard]

Who is this wise young one ?

By Azuth... You genius.

If one were to wear, say, a cone shaped hat with terminal radius greater than 12 inches, would this be an acceptable substitute? I don't want to accidently grant Ol'sd'wer'qweeq, Lord of a Thousand Faces dominion over my soul merely because my hat contains a range of lengths in which the cross-sectional area is a circle with radius falling between 9 and 12 inches.

I would not risk it but someone has to... For the good of all wizards.

It might be noteworthy to mention that my previous inquiry was less cautionary, and more born of hindsight.

What´s with all that discussion about hat´s? Can´t we wear what we like?
>Walks, reading her book.

Sorry, for my long absence.

We should give him the honorary title of new hat Conjurer !
Maybe he can teach me how to make something BIGGER with my fists !

We keep a journal of our discussion so you can read about the topic, student.

I say we all should start wearing 15 inch wide brimmed hats, I have some crates left of my studies of different hat sizes 3 years ago.

I'M HERE ASSHATS! WHO WANTS AN ASS BEATING?

Dorb: That's because Humies don't exactly have the vocal cords or the hearing range to understand anything he says or respond in kind.

Borb: Also haunting a are kind of the least of our problems right now. Anyone remember the Kobold infestation we had just last month? Caused the best tavern in town to be swallowed up by the earth, those bastards. I bet that exterminator we hired didn't even get all of em.

Ummm sir? Are you sure violencemancy is a real school of magic? You'd probably fit in with the barbarian guild more

Rolled 16 (1d20)

FUCK YOU OF COURSE IT IS
>CASTS FIST AT THE ANONYMOUS PEON

HAHA ! this guy knows how it's done !

Dorb: Bloody hell, did you have to make the poor lad explode like that?

Borb: Is anyone gonna eat the guts? I call dibs

Borb: Master Mentallo! Long time no see buddy.

Dorb: You look positively muscular as always, have you been taking Dragon Creatine?

YES!

OF COURSE I DID AND OF COURSE I AM!

I have rather a simple and elegant solution. "Elegant" being the operative word here.

Bigger, floppier hat brims.

Now, your mileage may vary as to whether the hat makes the wizard, or the wizard makes the hat, but nobody could doubt that a sizeable pointed hat is a wonderful thing for many reasons, not in the least being its usage as a mark of identity. A man goes striding through the city like that, and by Nayru, you know he isn't afraid of anything!

Because he can blow things up. With magic. Because he's a wizard.

As an example, I'd like you all to take a gander at the magnificent specimen atop of my bonce as we speak. Truly dashing, isn't it?

Now, if that's settled, where are the mini-pizzas? If this is a meeting, I want a spread.

Worry not Dorb, this is why we pay insurance to the Healers Guild. He'll be resurrected in no time !

And why in fact I have been taking Dragon Creatine, Borb. That and my daily Protein Potion ! It does wonders to my Arcane muscle growth !

> These threads are allowed and quests are banned
I mean, I don't really care, but how is there a dofference between this and a quest? You get even less stuff done.

Silence user ! DO NOT QUESTION THE LOGIC OF MAGIC AND WIZARDRY !
Besides our problems tend to just go away without us really doing anything but talking about random cool wizard shit. So this isn't REALLY a quest now is it ?

Wow Violencius, easy. Have you taken your pills today?

As for our main problem, I recommend we drop the boring old wide brimmed long, pointy wizard hats, they're making us a laughing stock. I have been recommending we switch to ominous hoods for years now. I mean even the druids are laughing at us.

I BEAT THOSE DAMN THINGS TO DEATH WITH EACH OTHER!

I don't know... wearing a hood means I have to wear a robe or look stupid, which would hide my glorious muscles !
And a hood would make it difficult for people to notice my secondery power source which is my magnificent mustache.

Not Brims again... A thousand times hair wraps are the future of wizardry.

Now if you ignore this bafoon and lay your solo peeper atop my chiseled face you will see a spectacle larger than life, an all encompassing magic enjuicing, titillating visage that is my magically wrapped head
> No sweat
> No ironing needed
> No spell malfunctions from Brim blindness

Lets face it a large brim will cause a spell sin.
End enlarged brims and save lives.

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZARD!

I, the Ab Jurer, recommend several different training routines created by myself. These routines are easily implemented and require little time and effort. They strengthen and toughen the body.

I believe that a strong body harbors an even sronger body. The training allows for greater mental focus, which benefits every school of magic.

It also enables longer study sessions and toughens the body against the drain of endurance, which usually comes together with high power magics.

These basic techniques are easily used and take little time and effort, while providing considerable gain in both magic proficiency and physical resilience.

Also, it helped me find several new and fun ways for the spells "Magic fingers" and "Everards lewd tentacles". Also "Shining oil" when visiting the beachside during a search for spell reagents.

Strong body, stronger mind, for everybody!

GENIUS

As much as I do agree with you. Can your "routines" do this ?
[Mentallo flexes with all his might sending waves of arcane energy from his muscles]

I'm not too worried about the hauntings, the local street mages can clear them easily enough, not to mention the priests and whatnot.
It's more the fact we have dozens of old ladies in ghost form bumbling about, it might mean someone's messing about with the spirit realm. I don't want to point fingers here but have the necromancers been doing anything unusual? This is rather their domain.

...also hat brims get in your eyes. The best solution is clearly circlets.

Why is it that I turn my back for thirty seconds in this guild, and suddenly there are weird abominations against nature being summoned.

>stumbles in from the entrance, wiping off magic dust residue

Good day fellow magic uses, sorry im late, portal traffic is a bitch

>climbs over the table and sits on his spot

Regarding the issue, has anyone tried to beat the horror into submission?

Also. Have we simply tried NOT wearing archaic and meaningless hats?

Uhm, gentlemen, esteemed archmages, I have aproblem. Do we have any regulations against putting Sun Paladins into Suns? This Paladin keeps following me around, trying to stop my completion of my Eternity Calculator, and I am not sure if his yells of "Heathen" or "You'll destroy us all" are supposed to mean anything.

I feel as one of those assembled here to actually cares about the sanctity of life that I should urge you not to.
He's likely just trying to do his job as a protector of the realm, erring on the side of caution since magic is a mite incomprehensible to nonpractitioners.. and lesser practitioners at that, the whole business makes my head spin.

But... I also feel I should mention in interests of balance that you probably wouldn't get in much trouble considering ressurection rituals exist and a paladin likely has acquaintances who can perform it.
It's not like people in this very room haven't done worse.

Alright, but he's really dogging me here; it's getting hard to get any sleep safely, and he's hell bent on that whole "murder" thing. I mean, wouldn't being the center of a temporary sun be the best he could hope for? Like, isn't that their whole deal?

I don't really understand the Paladin Enclave, honestly...

Who does? I get it in principle, but just the idea of being so bloody self righteous and do-gooding wears me out. And I go around helping with magical cleanup!

I don't know, remove him as cleanly as possible, then maybe double check your runes or numbers or whatnot? Worst thing you want to do is prove him right after all. He'll be insufferable.

Dorb: Bad idea, the last person who tried that was auntie Okra and...well that's how they started dating and eventually got married.

Borb: Lets just say extra-dimensional beings had a different idea of what constitutes "pleasure".

THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD CAST FIST AS SOON AS WE SEE IT !