What were the best, funniest, most annoying, or just generally interesting magical items in your campaign?

I was once given a decanter of endless tea.
It didn't have a stopper.

Pathfinder has the best retarded garbage items

A Broom of Flying. Not because of the item's enchantment, but the implications of fantasy drive by shootings. And the implied room-temperature IQ/bad luck of the previous owner.

> Fucker flew into an angler worm den and proceeded to not fly out

>tfw fly-by hexings are a common occurrence in your setting

Magical sentient gnomes, that could not move, were indestructible (also immune to all poisons), and wanted to die. They were a riot at taverns for hustling patrons out of their gold by taking bets on how much the bastard could drink without throwing up or dying.

"Bowl of endless soup" - a turtle shell with magic properties that will allow the soup to fill with warm soup at the will of the holder.

"bow of the Valley" - same bow from the Dungeons and Dragons TV show.

Does anyone have the archive of the thread this was originally posted in?

There was a hat we found, Jerome, that used to be a wizard that lost a magic duel to a dickish rival and got polymorphed into a hat. He couldn't really talk except to whoever was wearing him, and only if they folded down the ear flaps.

Useful source of magical lore, and some history. Could cast some magic even in his current form, but since he didn't have access to a spell book and he had no arms or mouth he was limited to low level spells and had a high chance of failure. Kind of crazy from being left in a trunk for a decade.

We always planned to get him changed back once we had the chance, but the guy wearing him fell off a boat and drowned during a mountain climbing adventure.

That's literally the saddest shit I've ever read.

Stealing for my homebrew. Just so you know.

TONIGHT I DINE ON TURTLE SOUP

>A sentient and highly cleptomanic bag of holding. It would sometimes scoot over and gobble up a random piece of equipment from a random person during the night .
>Part of our teams morning routine was to hold it upside down and shake vigorously, much to his dismay.
So, somebody transmogrified a Kender?

How does one fall off a boat and drown on a mountain?

An elaborate dwarven hurling hammer, found with it's head immersed in a stone chalice filled with blood. The chalice is not dwarven, but rather crudely fashioned by what might be goblin or orc handiwork. Runes on the hammer in dwarven describe the wrath of the dwarven military against their hated enemies, the orcs and goblins. The writing on the chalice is in goblin, simply stating "Slake thirst". If removed from the blood chalice, the hammer functions as a +3 returning throwing hammer, and deals double damage to goblins, leaving grievous bloody wounds. The head of the hammer is difficult to tug out once it's embedded into a target.

After a few minutes out of the blood chalice, the surface of the hammer will have slowly absorbed all the latent blood. After being used to slay a goblin, the hammer begins rapidly absorbing any blood from the impact wound. If the surface of the hammer is cleaned or hasn't been covered in blood for an hour, is slowly becomes agitated. The wielder starts to hear faint words in dwarvish in their head, grousing, complaining, and frustrated ranting. The longer the weapon isn't being used to slay goblins, the louder and more violent the voice becomes.

The blood chalice can be spilled, but fills up with fresh red liquid after about an hour if left alone. If held upside down, a thin trickle of blood dribbles from it.

Secretly, the hammer is cursed. The spirit of the dwarf who wielded it against the orcs and goblin has been trapped within, and the hammer has been used by an evil orc warchief to slay elves. This has driven the dwarven spirit mad, but also sadistically satisfied, as it allows the spirit to relish in the traditional grudge between elves and dwarves. The hammer also deals double damage to elves, and the blood from the chalice is elf blood, since the chalice was created later by the warchief's alchemists to keep his hammer satiated between battles.

...

>Torgle, Mountaintop Boatmaker
Well damn.

10/10

I'm not in a campaign, but I find the VEST OF THE ARCH MAGI from the magic item compendium interesting because it says that does not exist and can't even be made despite clearly having stats that include both what it takes to purchase, and what it takes to manufacture.

I thought human female's fertility was connected to a cycle that starts over once a month and can be altered (perhaps made more consistent) with drugs.

The Leveler was a magic sword created with a soul of a god. It was an evil, twisted, sentient artifact that was capable of permamently killing gods - but it also corrupted you.
It was a +5 sword (in a 5e edition, where +3 was max) and it remade you into a DM homebrewed class that had so much overpowered features, my ass still hurts. It was given to our monk, already a huge dick, and this was the point the campaign became nearly unbearable.

Tech, but we looted an ork mechboy.

He had a weird box on his hip, when the tech priest pressed the button it sounded like a jacked up recording of an Ork screaming. As in, there were pauses for breath periodically and he just kept screaming Waaagh.

I used it, and a sonic multiplying Xeno crystal implanted in my throat to take over a group of Orks. I killed their warboss by waaaghing him to death.

>tfw a hummie out WAAAGHs da orkz

Elinathan was this 2handed greatsword with a gem in shape of an inversed heart on the hilt.

It was incapable of killing. Whatever it did, the victim always survived. Beheading, piercing the heart, anything. No matter how many times you pierced or slashed the enemy, he'd still survive in a terrible state.

Yep, sounds about right for Rogue Trader to me.

Spear of the Heavens. Its a mythical weapon that slew the gods and helped bring the world to order. The damage numbers it can put out are insane and the abilities it grants the wielder puts them on the same level as a god. The down side is it can only damage gods and its abilities can only be activated when facing gods, which were all killed by it thousands of years before the campaign.

I played the descendant of the original wielder of the spear and was forced to carry it around everywhere to show respect for my ancestors. The campaign took place during an invasion of demon creatures from another plane so whenever our party rolled into a new area under attack they would see the giant golden glowing spear they all pray to in shrines and think us saviors when in reality we barely made it through each day.

Pay off at the end of the campaign is after we invaded the demon world to seal access to our home plane it turns out they were ruled by a god and I got my god level fight.

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STEALING THIS. Absolutely amazing.

Dehydrated animal tablets. Massive variety. Like, a table of 100 possibilities to roll on didn't seem to be enough.

Dampen it somehow, throw it somewhere, and five seconds later you've got a random animal.

Hilarity ensues.

An inexhaustible moonshine flask. It was all fun and games until the flask fell into a lake never to be recovered, ever so slowly poisoning a lake with alcohol over the course of many years, ultimately causing the local fishing industry to collapse and drive the empoverished settlers out.

The jewelery is from an etsy shop. Pretty neat stuff all around.

etsy.com/shop/BlueRoseCreationsBRC?section_id=16889989

If I were a richman...

Lake's going to become the stuff of legend. And entire lake of neverending booze. El Dor-drinko.

Well, its been watered down

...

A giant metal door that could talk and teleport to wherever it wanted, usually in the middle of combat.

It's in a WoD game in SPACE, where the Werewolf player ripped a huge metal door off a building to chuck at a VTOL circling their position. Got a pretty badass roll on the throw, destroyed the VTOL. Players became enamored with the door, decided to keep it. Turned it into a Fetish item and put a spirit in it, now the door is a part of the team. Useful as a makeshift shield and throwing weapon.

Billowing Cape of Heroism
+4 bouns to will saves for the wearer, and +2 to will saves for allies that can see him. Wearer is immune to Fear

Still Cape of Evil
Enemies who see him have to make a DC 30 Will Save or flee

Yes, but it will be like the dead sea. It will only increase in alcohol to water ratio.

In an Unknown Armies game I ran once, we became the enemies of an Avatar of the Merchant of some considerable means. He was powerful in his archetype too, people could only attack him if they paid him first.

However his powers didn't stipulate how much you could had to pay him, or how fast said payment could be travelling.

Cue the "penny dreadful" made by our mechanomancer, a roatary machine gun that fired penies and other loose change at bullet like speeds. Poor guy didn't know what hit him.

Did you put any of them in other people's food?

A cursed gnome of watching. It appears to be a sentry for use when setting a watch, but in reality just watches the person who uses it.

The character who used it was followed around, at a safe distance, by this hasted little devil. In combat, it would try to knock a tree branch to trip him. When being healed, it would try to sneak in a hit with a scalpel. When attempting stealth, it would screech loudly and then run.

It lasted until they trapped it in a whole and the player almost cried with joy.

I want to play Unknown Armies so bad. SO. BAD.

Do it man, I can't reccomend the game enough. It's so good, you'll see UA plots or ideas in real life for MONTHS afterwards.

The box of infinite wolf spiders.
It was a small wood box that would produce something like 1d6 "hand sized" wolf spiders every second until closed. We used it to shut down several taverns and inns.

My favorite Paranoia R&D item was always the box of assorted grenades.
None of them were labeled, but all of them were different.
You'd get everything from cleverly-disguised cans of soda and bursts of confetti to nukes with a blast radius much further than you could throw them.

ten sided dildo

A scimitar that would blink anything you hit it with out of existence for 1d4 rounds.

"Seriously, Doc. I went to bed last night, and when I woke up, there was a raccoon in my ass. And that's the God honest truth."

Brilliant

A sentient kudzu plant that grows ten times faster than normal. It's currently overgrowing a suit of armour with a soul.

They are good friends.

Torgle is literally Noah but with insanity instead of God

I gave my party a baby once. It was a webcam for Belial. Good times.

A amulet that when activated gave +8 in all atributes for some turns but changed the character's gender permanently until used again

>its description: useful for escaping chases

Endless food!

An exceptionally well crafted warhammer that, when properly wielded, creates an acoustically pleasing - indeed almost musical - THOK on contact with a target's skull.

The Sword of Swearing

It was forged with the intention of being a ceremonial blade, used in knighting someone, with a minor magical enchantment that grants the person who is being knighted. A sword used to swear in initiates to an order, in other words.

The issue is that SOME asshole wasn't paying attention when they were enchanting it, and almost ruined the magics intended for the sword. Said asshole hastily put together a further enchantment to fix it. Now the blade has a 1 in 100 chance of, in addition to granting the usual enchantment, cursing the initiate with a minor annoyance.

They start swearing like a sailor.

The asshole who almost ruined it had a very colorful vocabulary; the blade picked up on that. The curse can usually be cured easily by a modestly trained cleric.

How did this get used in the campaign? A prince of the realm joined the order of the knights (Order Hydrabane) and was one of the unlucky few who caught the curse. He managed to seek out the party's help, as they were outsiders and he dared not blemish his family's reputation with his potty mouth, and he was distrustful of the city's clerics not to gossip.

A new type of bardic instrument.

One of my players has a monocle that fires lightning bolts. Another has a glove that emits blinding light.

The grand prize goes to a ship's captain NPC and her Atlas Bracers. The party awoke one morning to a colossal, rhythmic splashing. Some investigation revealed that the captain was standing on the bottom of the (shallow) harbour, working out by lifting her ship (and the crew aboard it).

One of the players came up with the idea of the captain just deadlifting a crewmember for the heck of it, and somehow that turned into lifting the whole ship. I already had assigned her a list of magic items and I figured one more wouldn't hurt.

Not the jewelry, the Veeky Forums thread the copypasta came from. Does anyone have a link to the archive?

Gloves of fist.
The pc's encountered a shirtless man who they had to fight. The party sorcerer burned him with burning hands, to which the man replied,
>"pathetic sorcerer, casting your silly spells. I can cast too. I cast fist!"
And then he punched the sorcerer for 6d6 + Str damage. After he surrendered he gave them his gloves, which were the "gloves of fist", granting the wearer one castong of "fist" per day, dealing level x d6 + Str damage.
First time the PC tried to use them they didn't work. It was at that point they realised it only works if you shout "I cast fist!"

Pathfinder
Belt of Anorexic Strength +0
Bracers of Arms
Character Sheet
Amulet of "The Boss"
Bottomless Money Pouch

>Most used
A ring that could make a stick appear in the empty hand it was in, but only one stick at a time and it was useless as a weapon. Later, an improved version was found that gave Deathwatch results whenever you poked something with it.
>Best
Boots of Accuracy: Simply stand on the left foot and name a destination, then jump. You'll land there on the right foot. Manufacturors not responsible for high speed impact damage, running into things on the way, or falling onto something dangerous after naming "That giant golem's face", for example.
>Funniest
A flail made of a bound lich's skull. Since it kept trying to regrow the body, and once it had hands it could, you know, start casting spells and murdering everything, it had to be used to beat the shit out of something every day. It was also gagged, or it would constantly bemoan that it hadn't taken Still Spell.
>Most Annoying
A preserved heart with spider legs whose only purpose was to be accidentally pulled out instead of whatever you were looking for, and disappeared around clerics.
>Interesting
A sword possessed by a loyal hound, which couldn't be lost, guarded its master without being held, and tried to bite thieves to death.

>funniest, most annoying
It was a bag that talked shit.
Whenever you tickled it it would spit out some small useless item. (e.g. a single chopstick, a chess piece, a sandal, a doorknob, etc.)
My character loved to banter with it and vowed to never stop until it spat up something useful.

I've got weapons like that flail in my items list as well. The players haven't picked one up yet so I haven't had it used, though.

The idea is I want them to have to drag a corpse around for their +2 longsword to eat & have to explain that to every town guard they encounter.

+2 long sword.

Makes me laugh every time.

The Sword of Obnoxious Ornamentation.

Every moment it is held in the hand, it slowly grows more ornate and intricate with curling gold sprouting all over it. After 3 rounds it begins to act as an intimidation factor to enemies who can see it, as it's gotten larger and noticably more majestic already, developed a stupid oversized splitting curling crossguard, and even strands of razorlike gilding curling outward from the blade.

Every 3 rounds thereafter, its intimidation increases by 2 but the holder's attack bonus is decreased by 2 as it elaborates on its overdone basket hilt down his arm, and its gilded offshoots start to *branch* and grow heavier and make the weapon more impractical. If you just let it go, you eventually won't be able to move. It'll undo itself in about the same amount of time when the hand no longer holds it.

The player I gave it to used it far past its usefulness, because he liked the descriptions of him using it I guess. Every once in a while he'd get some really good effects out of its mass-intimidation, and was fine with eating penalties for the sake of the party and for looking fancy. Eventually it became a significant component of a battle plan for a climactic clash between the Forces of Good and the Forces of We're Just Poor But You Didn't Take That Plothook.

During the pre-battle staredown and inspirational speeches, he goes out ahead of the army and stands in his stirrups with the sword held above, where all can see it, for like half an hour. He cannot move anymore, his horse is fucking screaming because it can't either, but the enemy are absolutely TERRIFIED for the entire battle, and later into the battle the majority abandoned the leadership and either fought for themselves, with no conception of friend or foe, or tried to flee (most were still cut down, because PCs).

At the end of the battle the party cut him out of the big tree (losing an arm) and went off to the pub. It still grows due to a technicality.

>At the end of the battle the party cut him out of the big tree (losing an arm) and went off to the pub.
The way you describe it makes it sound so casual.

>"Are you done yet?"
>"I'm trying, but your arm is stuck in there pretty good, I-"
>"Bloody hell mate, just lop it off and be done with it already so we can go for a pint, I ain't got all day you know!"

...

I had a hammer that did that.
Fuckers used it and a bag of holding to one shot a dragon.

>It still grows due to a technicality
This is still gilding though? They just left the kingdom in charge of a GOLD TREE as post-battle cleanup while they went to a pub?

I had players find a +5 Defender once in a campaign where practically no one had a +5 weapon. The issue was that it was a Sword Of Cowardice from an old issue of Dragon. The crossguard had a screaming face cast into it and the intelligent sword would start screaming if it got scared (and it was scared of practically everything). Once it got scared the owner had to make an Open Doors roll or the sword would jump out of his hand and run away (its hilt was cast to look like a pair of legs, functional ones it turned out).

It was too powerful to sell but annoying to have around. It was scared of the dark, too, and it didn't like being in a Bag of Holding because the other intelligent swords in there would talk to it and it was scared of them.

The Hand of Saint Ormandor. As part of a level one heist quest, a thief had to break into the crypts beneath a temple and steal the mummified hand of a saint off its corpse. It allows you to see how you're going to die.

It was slightly more trying than that, with the branches being razor sharp and the horse basically needing to be put down, but yeah once they got out of that, healed up each other and the arm-stump, they just went "hey where to next" to each other and decided on the pub for some celebration.

Some conversation was had over what hypothetically happened with that, but they left the kingdom anyway for further adventures so it's not set in stone until they actually revisit.

Maybe the kingdom really can just farm gold razor branches and make good money. Maybe it's just become this towering presence of magical fear-infliction that no one can even look at without going insane, with no real cap to its intimidation thing, limit to its growth, or any remnants of the holder's will left in the now-skeletal hand inside to determine who counts as ally and who counts as enemy, and is now some kind of ridiculous doomsday condition. Who knows.

>The Hungry Bag o' Holding
This particular Bag o' Holding looks much the same as any other and the only discerning characteristic is a mouth that is far to large for the bag if opened, almost enough to make said bag seem like a flat piece of cloth. Sadly, anyone close enough to recognize this quality is almost assuredly within its range.
Once a victim has unknotted the drawstring the bag springs to life and attaches itself to whatever limb is closest to it.
Once firmly attached the bag works its way to the base of said limb using ambulatory inward facing teeth to firmly attach themselves.
The bag does no damage in this process other than minor sensation from the knot tightening but due to its teeths grip and orientation it is impossible to remove the bag without causing serious and lethal damage to the affected limb. Needless to say the affected limb is unusable and can seem amputated at first glance.
If puncture or damaged the bag implodes into a 10 foot void like any other Bag o' Holding.
Most experienced adventurers know the trick to dislodging the Hungry Bag O' Holding is simply to tickle it until properly loosened and many make use of this knowledge to "train" them. Often time a stick is used in proxy of a limb for the bag to gnaw on and stay content lest it wander off in the night dissatisfied with its current life much like my ex-wife and mother to 4 kids.

Did any of the PCs use it? Did they come true?

>Maybe the kingdom really can just farm gold razor branches and make good money. Maybe it's just become this towering presence of magical fear-infliction that no one can even look at without going insane, with no real cap to its intimidation thing, limit to its growth, or any remnants of the holder's will left in the now-skeletal hand inside to determine who counts as ally and who counts as enemy, and is now some kind of ridiculous doomsday condition. Who knows.

I think it being a kind of "War Memorial" kind of thing, or maybe it being at the "Haunted Field" where the Battle of So and So took place would be pretty cool.

Isn't this just the Bag of Devouring?

It's a Bag of Devouring Lite. Real Bags of Devouring are much worse and pull people entirely inside them to their death.

Suppose so. Buddy brought it im once a long time ago when we were kids.
Ended up with a us passing the gnome off as a cripple orphan for a bit.

[Not OP of the Item]
It's similar, but decidedly less bad.
The "real" bag of devouring has a good chance to permanently kill the victim with each usage.

I myself introduced something similar in my game, only that is was a mildly inconvenient item, not a lethal one:
It's a Bag you have to be fed regularly otherwise it bites your hand when you use it, it can't hold organic of corroding items for long as they would be digested and (unknown to my players as of yet) it will eventually "grow up" into some kind of aberration.
I am at the moment debating how "Pokemon" i want to go with it, if they could have some input into its "evolution" or something. Any ideas for that?

I guess it would be pretty spooky, maybe with the razor-gilding creeping along the ground like vines (and still expanding), and having that tree at its center with a visible horse skeleton as part of it. At least they won't be able to see the detached human arm somewhere deep within it.

People tend to forget about that and just assume that sex is some kind of baby roulette.

Depends. Chicks can grt pregnant during periods very rarely and even during their high fertility times eggs won't always drop. Either way you can sex them up whenever.
Animals on the otherhand often times can't sex it up outside of estrus as the lubricants just ain't there and neither are the hormonal triggers to loosen the deathgrip on the sphincters and the like.

What you feed it most is what it becomes and what it starts hunting. I'd have it regurgitate a mass and use it like a snail's foot.Or it's just a normal bag and it's really a creature inside that's eating everything and the creature leaves when it grows up

Party fighter/barbarian put on an unidentified ring, found out it was a ring of AC +2 that bit his finger whenever he tried to take it off and also constantly made him glow brightly with multiple scintillating colors. He decided to just leave it on and become the Disco Barbarian.

Saved for posterity