Lord-General

Lord-General,

I am sending you this datapad message because the situation on the frontlines has been deteriorating.
We have been on the battlefield for two years without rotation, supplies are so sparse that we're having to eat rats and our own dead for sustenance, most of us are covered in mud and we're having to recruit from the survivors of the wrecks from the naval engagement overhead.

A shell came down on our latrines not long ago, sir, and since the Tech-priests haven't been around to bless our entrenching tools yet, we can't dig new ones.
If things continue deteriorating, I fear we will fall to Chaos. As I speak there are tentacles bursting through my screen.
Your's...

Sergeant McFootSlogger

This is what you have been trained for, sergeant.

Carry on

All due respect, Sir,

Just now the Commissar executed an entire squad of men to motivate another squad into breaching enemy fortifications. They would have held the position but simply didn't have the numbers.

None of the men can 'oil their guns' so to speak, sir, for fear of accidentally breaking open the veil of reality and ushering through demonic horrors from beyond.
Its making everyone cranky.

I feel, sir, that there is a significant lack of oversight on the part of Sector Command. I would greatly appreciate it if you came down from high anchor and took a look at the battlefield for yourself.
Your's,

Sergeant McFootSoldier

expect new tech priests in 2 months

keep up the good work guardsman

Good work?

Sir, we're losing more of our footing to our own Commissars than the enemy.
The colonel has barricaded himself in his dugout with what appear to be a pair of daemonettes and we essentially don't have trenches anymore because of the sheer pile of bodies flooding them.

I'll say it once, sir, you can't move for fear of treading on a farting corpse.
This is getting out of hand, sir, and our entrenching tools still haven't been blessed.
The Commissar charged the enemy alone just now, cutting off our last leadership figure.
Your's

Sergeant McFootSoldier

I'm sure you'll manage, Second Lieutenant.
Keep up the good work and another field promotion might be in for you!

Sir,

I feel obliged to tell you that the Regiment Captain has been eaten by one of the two Daemonettes, who we're fairly sure is somehow changing him into some sort of warp-changed monstrosity, the process of which is driving the men insane.

Those of us who still have our sanity would really appreciate being rotated off the frontlines. As I type this there are tentacles slithering out of the monitor, which makes sending requests increasingly difficult without having to use my sidearm every few seconds.
Frankly I feel that if Sector Command can't keep coordination of our own lines, well, I shall have no other option but to file an official complaint.
I would really appreciate it if you sent reinforcements.
Your's,

Sergeant McFootMan

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

To Sergeant McFootslogger

The commander in chief has informed us of what is transpiring in your position, and has forwarded your concerns in my Jurisdiction. I have decided to take decisive and immediate action on your war front. Expect inquisitorial intervantion in the following weeks, if the warp transition is normal.

Regards, Inquisitor Refepugnis.

Please join in your next message your exact coordinates, artillery support will be on the way.

Sir,

As it stands, I do not have a tech-priest on hand to turn it off and on again, sir, and without them I risk angering the machine spirit.
Your's,

Sergeant McFootMan

Inquisitor,

I feel obliged to tell you that Sergeant McFootSlogger has been dead these past few hours, as have two of his successors.
The Regiment Captain has been rebirthed as a horrifying monstrosity and is currently tearing apart our frontlines. We are doing all we can, but the dead outnumber the living.
If all else fails, Inquisitor, I shall do the right thing and call for an Air Strike.
Your's,

Sergeant McFootStep

>To: Lord General
>From: Supply Command Staff
Sir, this is an direct break of line of command protocol and I am willing to answer before tribunal, but Supply Command is just rotten to the core. Our commander is refusing to send any supply down to support the troops, and instead he is just feasting on rations and sell the rest to the Rogue Trader which appeared in the system two weeks ago. I strongly suggest shooting all of the Supply Command personnel in the head and replacing them with new ones. If you won't do something, Lord-Commander, than I will. Out of love for the Emperor and our soldiers.

There is no need for artillery support, Sir.
Through divine right, we overcame the tide. We are on our way back to you now.

Sergeant McNotPossessed

>TO: ALL PARTY'S READING, CHANNEL 4, CLEARANCE VERMILLION
>FROM: INQUISITION COMMAND

By order of His Most Righteous Inquisition; orders subject immediately:

The planet Tej-gee is declared lost to the Emperors light, in perpetuum damnatus.

All Imperial subjects still on the planet or within it's orbital sphere have officially been declared Heroic Martyrs of the Imperium and are now subject to IMMEDIATE transubstantiation. Surviving loyalists are advised to make use of their side arms, knives, sharp corners, or any other methods available to them with which to join the Emperors Light.

Those who fail to do so will be caught in the conflagration of the Cyclonic Torpedo's that have been launched by the Emperor's own Vessel, the Excessivus Extremis.

This is an official declaration of Exterminatus on the planet Tej-gee. Repeat, all life on and surrounding planet Tej-gee is now officially martyred in the name of the most glorious Emperor of mankind. Failure to comply with Martyring will result in summary execution, failing absolution in the holy perditionary flames of cyclonic detonation.

Henceforth the entire sector is declared Damnatus Extremis and all communication and transistion to and from said sector will cease, in a radius clearly outlined by Inquisitorial bouys. This order is applies retroactively up to two galactic standard weeks. If you have been within the Tej-gee gravity well within this time period, you are to turn yourself into your nearest Inquisitorial representative for subsequent martyrdom. Failure to comply will result in summary execution.

Be it known this was a glorious victory for mankind, and the Emperor's light, and in no way was this world lost after a long and mis-managed military boondoggle. Suggestions to the contrary will result in summary execution.

Please maintain all advised safety manuevers while the Exterminatus is in progress.

Have a nice day.

>Thought for the Day: It is better to die for the Emperor, than live for yourself

maybe a little minor an issue to destroy a planet over but i have seen worse

>To: Inquisitorial Command
>From: Exterminatus Fleet

Pew
PEW PEW
THRAKATAKATAKATAKATAKATAK
PHEW PHEW HPEW!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPH!
wwwwwwwsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh...

Signed: Lord Admiral McComfyChair

>to: lord admiral McComfyChair
>from: commissioner mcstickler
you were instructed to use cyclonic torpedos for this exterminius
***BLAM***

>TO: Commissar McStickler
>FROM: Replacement Lord Admiral McAmpleBum

Bwooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

>to: "commissioner mcstickler"
>from: Inquisitor Rudolf of the Ordo Scriptorum, Grammatica section
*BLAM*

As always, the Inquisition is such a fun-hater :(

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this is your friendly neighborhood Rogue Trader, reporting to you from the Eastern Fri-

What? Extermi- oh. Oh no no no. Confound it, Miles, we're on the wrong channel again! The Inquisition is on this channel! One of these days we are going to get someone who actually knows how to use this thing!

I swear if that's the smooth jazz playing in the background again I'll-

>[transmission interrupted]

>immediate transsubstantiation

>Excessivus Extremis

kek