I don't know if you guys are going to like this idea or not, but I want to get your input. Please bear with me

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I miss the days of Veeky Forums when we could have serious and thought-provoking discussions on things like "drow vagina spiders" or "DC80 escape artist check"

Nowadays a person can't even ask a simple question like "how do I go about assaulting people with a literal actual disembodied ejaculating equine penis" without being met with the derisive braying of the ignorant masses.

For shame, Veeky Forums.

DC80 Escape artist check was a self fueling joke, and drow vagina spiders started the same way as this thread exists now, and only spiraled out when someone put enough effort in to do the maths. Both had the advantage of being interactive. This thread is not, it is a shock value idea that is poised with a "Solve the problem for me or I'll call you names". If you wanna play "Horsecock" From crossed, enjoy yourself, but fuck off with that self righteous bullshit. Your opinion, and mine, are just as valid as the rehashed reaction images above.

This thread makes me unpleasantly angry.

There's also the bit where it's just entirely impractical. I mean, how the hell is a horsecock going to stand up to the rigors of being used as a bludgeoning instrument? You're going to have to be constantly pumping healing magic into it to stop it from becoming pulp.
And the first swordsman you come across is just going to make your horse start whinnying castrato.

Now, if you were some kind of horse fertility cultist, I can sort of see some batshit covered druid with a lazy eye using a horse dick shaped club that he lovingly whittled into shape while staring worringly intently at the rest of the party.
But using the genuine flesh and blood article? It's just not going to work for longer than a single combat encounter, and then you need a new horse.

A spell like barkskin would be nice for the horsecock, in order to give it some more oomph. Also, it'd give the wood wood, which would be a bonus all by itself, you know?

Otherwise, you could find a demon. I'm sure one of the more intelligent ones would be able to replace your horse's balls with little demon factories, so you could shoot rapidly-forming demonspawn all over your defeated enemies.

>And the first swordsman you come across is just going to make your horse start whinnying castrato.
Only if a) you're taking the balls as well and b) you're using your weapon to party attacks, which you really shouldn't be (in this specific case) regardless of what the weapon is. Like, parrying an ax or even a club is going to be approximatelt as painful for the horse.

so OP, you're gonna need a shield (or at least clarify that you are never ever going to be using this weapon defensively. Or against, say, an enemy whose armor menaces with spokes.)

>and then you need a new horse
that might actually be okay, depending on the cost of horses in the setting. Obviously not something you'd want to do to your precious animal companion if you're going the disposable weapon route, though.

>an enemy whose armor menaces with spokes

[clacking intensifies]

I'm not too familiar with D&D, but perhaps you can enchant the horse to fire things other than cum? Or maybe have the cum (horses do produce a lot of it) have other effects rather than impregnation?

I once saw an image where a giantess futa put a bunch of people into her cock, and her (its?) semen started swarming the poor bastards like a bunch of hungry piranhas, teeth and all. Maybe have your portable horse cock fire this ravenous, microbial swarm and watch it turn your adversary into a pile of slush. A 'grey goo' situation if you will.

I'm not going to ask the obvious, because whether or not your group approves is beside the point.

Yeah, I know it isn't the most efficient option for combat but I'm not an adolescent munchkin and im past min-maxing. This is about role-playing. Try it sometime.

Just kidding ;) but I did specifically ask about cock armor spells in the OP so learn to read homo

After a point of magic it becomes meaningless. Why not just flesh-sculpt a fresh one? Clone them in jars? Why bother with the actual horse and the portals if you're not going to be using any feature of the original beyond shape?

I don't see why something along the lines of a potion of dragons breath couldn't be specifically created to allow fire to be blown out the dickhole as an attack. Whether the potion is drank, or piped into the bladder through a horse catheter

There is no game mechanic whatsoever that will allow you to use a horsecock as anything better than an improvised club, unless you grant the horse a slam attack, and only then if the horse were deliberately choosing to attack with its meat pillar.

A horsecock is an improvised club, at best. That said, you should be able to mitigate most forms of harm to the horse if you give it ironskin or some other similar natural armor bonus. I'm a little rusty on 3.5, but Magic Fang or something similar might let you add enhancement to your horsecock. Depends whether it counts as a manufactured weapon, or an unarmed strike.

Because it isn't just a toy made of meat. It is the living of body part of a trained pet which I've spent a lot of time with and care about. Obvious distinction to me but I guess I can't take it for granted that people will understand in this day and age of video games and whatnot.

Anyhow, that's why I mention the nipple ring of masochism. Ideally I would want the horse not to be having an utterly horrible time. Unless I was playing as evil in any case

>Maybe if I try really hard to make a copypasta my life will have meaning.

This thread wasn't funny, was bad bait, and just sucks in general.

>flash-sculpt a fresh one
Now that makes me wonder if you could abuse Flesh to Stone/Stone to Flesh in some way...

umad?

As multiple posts mentioned, there are druid and ranger spells that enhance animals' natural weapons, and spells of all kinds that make living beings as hardy as if they were covered in wood or even metal plates, and with enough Handle Animal checks you could get your horse to weaponize on command (the animal will know that it's about to get a lot of stimulation shortly, after all) so your idea could technically work without rules-lawyering. With rules-lawyering, if you can get your horsecock club to count as a weapon you can use enhancement spells to render most of its drawbacks moot. At any rate it would work well as a sort of truncheon meant to deal subdual damage, and you could rules-lawyer around that as well if you can boost your horse's CON enough.

So, assuming purchase of a sufficiently impressive stallion is not an issue, your actual, practical issue problems are twofold:
1)It takes about two minutes for a horse to get fully erect,
2)How much do you have to buff your horse until its penis becomes hard enough to function as a lethal weapon.

Horse penis is about half a meter long, mostly held inside the pelvic cavity by a retractor muscle. In the process of erection, horse penis will double in length and increase almost eight times in circumference. This is a matter of blood pressure; despite its enormous organs the horse is still made of meat and has to ease its hydraulics along in order to not rupture its own blood vessels. Therefore, in order to solve issues number one, we need to find the pressure at which horse erection happens instantaneously (or at least fast enough that you can 'unsheathe' it as a standard action) while at the same time making the horse hardy enough to withstand such pressure without consequences that would hurt its performance.

Now, peak blood pressure in horse cock during coitus is around 6530mm Hg, which is around 871 kPa. In order to make a penis rigid enough to cause blunt damage on impact, it would have to reach pressure at which blood acts as a solid, or hit at speed where inelastic collision effect comes into play. In order for horse cock blood too act as a solid it would need to reach 200-400 MPa while maintaining the same temperature (see diagram). This complicates matters, because no horse can increase its blood pressure 350 times, two minutes or no. So, this avenue is dead. Let's explore the next one: speed.

Action economy abuse via Haste, Time Stop, and/or Planar Shepard shenanigans? (Though Planar Shepard is kind of a nuclear option IMHO)

The fatality rate of jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge is 98%, so let's assume that falling onto a limp horse cock at normal blood pressure from the Golden Gate bridge would be 100% lethal. Average systolic blood pressure for a resting horse is fairly undramatic 120mm Hg, or 16 kPa. Since blood pressure in a fully engorged horse penis is roughly 55 times that, it would need to meet with your victim at a lower speed in order to cause traumatic injury. This gives us two things to consider.
1)Since a healthy normal horse can increase its blood pressure 55 times, a horse that is seven times as tough would be able to hit our pressure mark for penis blood acting like a solid. A horse has CON of 15, which is a +2, so a horse with +14 CON modifier (ability score of 33) should be able to use its penis as a lethal weapon.
2)The height of Golden Gate is 67 meters, divided by 55 is 1,218, so you'd need to hit your victim with a delta V of 12,18 meters per second squared in order to inflict traumatic injury. Unfortunately, D&D doesn't model physics. Fortunately, an average yob on Youtube can swing a toy sword at an excess of 117.19m/s^2, so it follows that a seasoned warrior would be able to swing a horse cock at ∆v not much below that, and therefore that a fully engorged horse cock can be used as a lethal weapon.

You know, at this point you are better off with just going full mr.Hands on people.

Having solved that one, back onto number 1, getting your horse ready in one standard action or less. Barring overly expensive haste abuse or some obscure splatbook spell, unfortunately, the only way to speed this process up is to buff your horse. It stands to reason that STR buffs would strengthen the heart and blood vessels, since both are muscle tissue.

So, our average healthy horse needs at least twenty rounds to become fully erected. That is forty actions, so we need to speed the process up by a factor of 40. Horse can handle up to 55 times increase in penis blood pressure, so that's not the issue. The issue is that increasing a horse's STR 40 times is honestly not worth the effort. I would personally avoid the issue by prepping my hose early, much like casting buffs before entering a dangerous area.

Having solved that one, back onto number 1, getting your horse ready in one standard action or less. Barring overly expensive haste abuse or some obscure splatbook spell, unfortunately, the only way to speed this process up is to buff your horse. It stands to reason that STR buffs would strengthen the heart and blood vessels, since both are muscle tissue.

So, our average healthy horse needs at least twenty rounds to become fully erected. That is forty actions, so we need to speed the process up by a factor of 40. Horse can handle up to 55 times increase in penis blood pressure, so that's not the issue. The issue is that increasing a horse's STR 40 times is honestly not worth the effort. I would personally avoid the issue by prepping my hose early, much like casting buffs before entering a dangerous area.

So there. With some forethought put into it it's perfectly viable.

A minor fuckup, there. Router died.

There's gotta be a way to magically induce a harmless priapism if it comes down to it.

Getting the horse going is not the issue, the issue is waiting two minutes until he's done erecting.

Though I guess the process of your weapon readying would give anyone slightly normal pause, buying you more time.

Diplomacy. Engage in negotiations, it's bound to last at least two minutes.

Priapism would mean that the horse was always erect, magically without damaging his penis.

...Yeah, you're right. I wasn't using my brain.

It would be a very happy horse.

Three feet of heavy blood sausage perpetually hanging off the retractor muscle and hitting its rear legs and everything would get old very fast, I imagine.

Imagine how uncomfortable it's going to get when you add heavy piercings in order to turn your club into a spiked club.

Welp, I know how my blackguard is going to pimp his mount further.

Have you considered Flesh to Stone / Stone to Flesh?

Stone to Flesh states that it can creates inert masses of flesh except when used on a once living creature or "unless a life force or magical energy is available". It gives an example of an animated stone statue being transformed into an animated flesh statue.

So, here's what you do: you cast Flesh to Stone on an horse, and chisel off his (erect) donger. You turn your new very realistic horse dildo into an animated object. Then you cast Stone to Flesh on it. Finally, you repeat the process several times. Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a squadron of autonomous, angry disembodied horsecocks.

I think the point was to use a dick attached to a living horse for the purposes of humiliation.

Omg is this a comic? Where can I find it

Let me guess, you're going to use portals to turn it it a dick unicorn?

>he hasn't seen it

This is why you always talk to your players before introducing stuff that might make them uncomfortable. Don't be that guy.

Looks like Gunshow comics.

I was going to give him the ability to urinate napalm as per that wonderful page from Requiem, but now I think I'll also add a permanent rock-hard erection and several pounds of piercings so he can use his dick as a flanged mace/siege weapon.

Portal dick unicorn is a good one, though, I'll consider that one as a helmet upgrade when I get my greedy hands on another pile of money.

This thread was, by far, the funniest thing I've read in my life. I laughed and cried so hard that I pulled two muscles in my side.

Haha i've never read this one thanks. That's a good laugh

All in a day's work.

Capped for posterity

I can't be fucked to do more. This image is enough I think.

That, frankly, is pathetic effort. It gets caught on surface elements without tackling any of the drama or the science behind the disaster.

A much more accurate calculation: use kinetic energy [(1/2)mv^2]. Estimate the mass of the horse cock, as well as the energy required to deal "significant" damage to a human. Also, you can use this to calculate the strain put on the horse's cock during this based on the forces present.

You people are all terrible at physics.

It's not the change in velocity that's the problem, it's the impulse.

You need to know the contact time through which force is delivered over the area.

This thread isn't even a thing. Like, none of this is funny in the slightest.

Yes, am aware of faulty mathematics. If no one else does it I'll revisit it in a few hours when I have free time.

I was working a larger one. I still have the screencaps and might finish it. I'm tired right now.

That's it! Parker, you're fired!

Mass of the horsecock is quite sufficient, the question is density. I think the point of the calculations done above was to find conditions where effective density of the horsecock is sufficient to act as a weapon, first through pressurization and then through impact at speeds at which blood in the organ would not be able to act as a liquid. Of course, it failed at both, but the principle seems sound.

We know a heavy wooden club can mangle a human being. So, if we can approximate the horsecock to a club in density and rigidity, that's good enough. More accurate mathematical representation would only be necessary for optimizing the idea in practice, like finding the bare minimum of magical enhancement you'd need to pay for.

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add me in the ebin screen cap

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>equine penis
Fenoxo pls go

>horse cock lightsaber

WHY HAVE I NOT THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE

This is brilliant

Somewhere down the road I will regret making these.

Please Mr. Jameson, I need the replies. Here, this is what I have.

Okay, you're hired again. Go back to your box.