Lich Lawyers

Would a Lich not make for one of the most powerful and dangerous lawyers?

Assume the following:
-Lich is not necessarily evil
-Lich has an interest in civic duties as a lawyer, bringing justice or injustice through the system

He never tires, never sleeps, never eats. He can endlessly pour over the law books of any or all lands. Lich Lawyer could in theory be so familiar with the laws of the lands that he could win any case reasonably winnable even in the obscurest way. He could of studied the country's laws for centuries, witnessed uncountable cases, and probably have a legion of skeleton clerks aiding him.

A Lich Lawyer would be unbeatable in court.

Opinions Veeky Forums?

>his opponent is a cleric who is confident the Lich's ways are ones of evil. Any client who is represented by an undead being HAS to by DEFAULT be evil right?
>cleric is constantly going out of his way to prove the Lich is breaking court rules with evidence contrary to the Lich's efforts

So he's basically Mr Bent.

"I do not cite precident. I AM precident."

yes, yes indeed

He'd also make a good Supreme Court Justice

Remember that it is a common (though not universal) trope in a fantasy works that undead are stagnant and unable to adapt well to new ideas. This would make the Lich a very conservative Supreme Court Justice, which would not be considered good by Progressives.

And by Progressives, I don't mean sjw trash, but rather pro-union, pro-individual freedom 19th C sorts. The kind who don't think corporations, or Guilds if we follow the fantasy logic, are people.

Sounds like Mr. Slant of Discworld.

"Sir, that law was repealed."
"When?"
"50 years ago. By you."

I could see a Lich being an excellent attorney in any sort of situation that doesn't involve trying to convince people. If you need counsel on whether a scummy thing you wanna do is legal, Nagash & Skeletor is your firm. If you need to convince a judge or a jury, then youre going to need someone who is able to actually win the trust of a normalfag. People insisting that law be subject to human illogic is a big part of why courts of law exist in the first place.

What if you had a system of Solicitors and Barristers? The lich working behind the scenes, the bard out in court. One knows the law, one knows the people.

"...oh."

Ohsnap that works

He'd probably go through a lot of Bards, then.
"So... Not that I don't appreciate the job, it's hard to get level 1 work when all you have is Charisma, but why, exactly, did you hire me?"
>"WELL, WE HAD AN OPENING, BECAUSE A PALADIN SHANKED THE LAST ONE WHEN HE WON A CASE. TURNS OUT HE WAS A BLACKGUARD THE WHOLE TIME. FUNNY COINCIDENCE."

>trial day
>Lich prepares to give opening statements
>turns to jury box
>theyre all paladins

Sometimes bring the best doesn't necessarily mean you win.

What if the paladins are Lawful Stupid? There must be a spell or magical trinket to keep them from smiting you on sight.

>He never tires, never sleeps, never eats.
By this standard, a Lich would be the most powerful and dangerous anything.

The most powerful and dangerous businessman.
The most powerful and dangerous policeman.
The most powerful and dangerous baker.

Seriously, though, 24 hour bakery.

A lich could never open up a bakery. Rivals would constantly claim skeleton workers violate health regulations and drive away poptential customers. Your average joe wouldn't get that just because something's undead doesn't mean it's unsanitary.

>Implying he wouldn't get shutdown for having rotting meat be within 1 foot of the dough
Fuckin medieval health inspectors,

Why does the concept of a Bakery run by a lich appeal to me?

And what would such a bakery sell?

I'd say normal pastries, though I'd say the lich probably has a good/grim sense of humor and makes Halloween a fucking spectacle of an event.

>Makes pastries from cookbooks from all over every realm and plane of reality that they have collected over the millenia
>Has no tongue to taste test them and instead tries out new confections on customers

I'm seeing it now: lich has done up the shop in full regalia stereotypical of one, with the "employees" (undead and otherwise) getting into character as it were. Kids who wants something from the lich have to brave the gauntlet as it were. If they make it to the lich they get a decent sized bag of pastries as their reward and sent onwards to continue trick or treating.

>unbeatable in court

That would only work if the Lich picked his clients very selectively. Some cases can't be "won"- period- but still require legal representation to get the best plea deal or civil settlement.

>The kids get toy swords and cantrip wands to run through the haunted house dungeon to defeat the baker-lich and loot his candy and pastries.

I'm adding that to my list of one-shot ideas.

Paladins could not be Jury.

Biased opinions due to religious beliefs is a reason to remove an untrustworthy member of the Jury. They aren't a "peer."

Now it begs the question: What would the Baker Lich do for the other holidays?

...

>The necromancer started out as a baker long ago and eventually becomes Lich

>After awakening centuries or more later, Lich moves north from his long lost ruins
>Confused as to what this white snow stuff is
>Finds people are filled with joy during holiday season
>Becomes a baker Lich after seeing the joy on people's faces during Christmas
>It is the winter holidays that made baker lich return to baking

>Starts forming toys for small children, made from the tormented souls of his victims solidified into tangible objects
>flies over towns dropping the toys into chimneys
>Yes billy, santa clause is real, he's a 7' 2" skeletal wizard with a morbid sense of aesthetic and a heart of gold (because his real heart rotted away and he's very tacky)

I'm imagining the collective WTF from everyone else when they find out that the Lich in question, instead of doing what liches normally do, wants to be a baker.

>mfw

>he ends up unwittingly winning the hearts of the entire city because the only individuals brave enough to taste test his latest recipes are the homeless
>every time you go by his bakery you see a long line of starving homeless beggars being handed free food from the back
>no one can ever explain the homeless that drop dead or wind up projectile vomiting their guts all over the alley walls several hours after visiting the bakery

Hey, maybe he needs new employees and the ones who drop dead are it.

Afterall, when you're dead you dont really have much to worry about.

All the ideas ITT make perfect sense. As a Lich you still retain your ambition and thirst for knowledge, so why not branch out and learn a new trade instead of reading yet another musty fucking scroll in your lair? "Eternal" is a long ass time.

>Court jester
>Laundress
>Farmer
>Bartender
>Traveling merchant
>Academy teacher
>Clown

Endless possibilities

I'm glad this thread brought out the Lich Baker idea. Satisfies my need not to be entirely useless. Thank you everyone for a good time.

>Lich is not necessarily evil
>Lawyer
These things are not compatible.

Do you know the muffin man..

Getting serious Discworld Death as the Hogfather vibes off the last part.

He's an attorney for the defense, obviously.

That would disqualify just about everyone on the planet on the grounds of "Their religion prohibits rendering judgment" or "They're obviously in a clique" or "People of the juror's faith and the defendant's faith are constantly at each others throats"

>pour over the law books

"One never 'pours' over books, young apprentice. The possibility of spilling and ruining the text is far too high. One only 'pores' over books. Now go and clean the toilet! It's only there for your use anyway."

>If I disagree to my tenets I fall
Is the same as
>I like god, he's pretty chill
u're a dumby

He'll eventually be made a judge, unless he turns the offer down. Or maybe he could switch between the two from time to time

>Your honor, I object! Also, you should sustain that objection, because I would

Paladins hate him!
Learn how one Lich broke the system.

This is why liches are the best at anything studying related

Sensiblechuckle.gif

I'm on mobile

lich attoney: justice is eternal

never coming everywere, in not a single system

You can boil a skeleton to sanityze it.

This. I used to know a lawyer who said "My job in most cases is to ensure people are treated appropriately and fairly when they're processed by the system."

You do not get sloppy with your paperwork when the defendant is represented by Litch, Flayer, and Flayer, LLP.

The muffin man?

>dangerous lawyer

I mean, in so much as a tiger would make a dangerous lawyer.

The muffin man!

This makes me wonder:
What is the perfect set of (immortal) people to sit on the supreme court?
9 diverse and varied set of (still extremely educated) opinions.

HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE