How do we fix the Goblin race?

Stop sexualizing them, dumb ass.

That's how you fix them.

The Asura are pretty fucking stupid. Look at what the Arcane Council did with the information that the Elder Dragons eat magic. They tried to cover it up to the point that they were willing to destroy one of their three main colleges and murder a huge number of their own people to keep it a secret. And why did they do this? Money. Maybe. They didn't actually have a way to profit off of the information at the time, but they figured that there MIGHT be a way to make money off of knowing that the Elder Dragons eat magic. So they started killing and destroying to make sure only they knew that, just in case there was money to be made in the future.

Bigger hips.

But user, that LN doesn't have enough rape.

I figured that was partially the inquest running shit because their society is composed entirely of absent-minded genius dipshits, and partially anyone with good intentions on the council buying "Well, we don't want to make EVERYONE panic".
I think their biggest problem is a lack of coherent action, really. One asura can work wonders. Five asura managing to work together for over ten minutes can wreak miracles. Ten or more asura collapses in on itself into a backstabbing pile of uselessness that keeps asking for more funding and repeatedly explodes.
I'm not saying the council isn't retarded, but I am saying a direct and present threat motivates the asura people as a whole much more effectively than an ephemeral one.

Also catcows a best.

What's wrong with them?
You've probably just answered your first question too.

The Socratic method is your friend.

> anyone with good intentions on the council
There aren't any. The fucking Inquest have a seat on the Arcane Council, and the others are all so self-absorbed that they'd do things like intentionally sit back and let an Elder Dragon eat the world unless they're allowed to literally steal inventions from children.

The WoW version?
Don't bother, they're just green gnomes for the Horde.

Veeky Forums related versions?
Depends on the setting.
What do you find offensive that isn't /v/-spawn?

Well yeah. People think that the asura's theme is SCIENCE! It isn't. Their theme is capitalism. Just listen to the chatter at mount maelstrom, the asura there are talking about the dangers of working on top of an active volcano that's constantly oozing lava (and destroyers).

One of them says that they should probably develop some better heat resistant protective gear for their work. But that gets dismissed because the other asura says that would cost money and it would be cheaper to just get new crew members when their current ones all burn to death.

Their attitude to science is one of ambivalence. They don't actually care about it, they only care about making money. If it would be cheaper to forget all about technology or magic and just throw bodies at the problem, they'll do that.

The same way you fix any filthy animal.

It's funny how the Inquest is almost a universally hostile faction because their science is so morally unbound, even by asura standards.

LITTLE GREEN DICKS

*boo*

GET OUTTA TOWN!

BIG HUMAN COCKS!

*cheering*

> even by asura standards.
It's not like they're separate from the rest of the Asura. Hell, they're a part of the ruling government. If anything, Asura with any scruples are the unusual ones while the Inquest are in the mainstream.

More catchy goblin jams

youtube.com/watch?v=9kAEoCHANYY

Make them taller, less retarded, and give them human skin colors instead of green.

females look exactly like males, males are the disgustingly buttugly type, NOT the androgynous type.

so make them not be goblins?

whats wrong with goblins any way?

they are perfect for what they are, scrowny little greenskin humanoids breeding like rats and at the same time cunning and inventive but impulsive and childishly irrational, with a tendency to make magic/technology that routinely blows up in their face and something of a evil streak that you just cant blame them for

the only way you could make it better is if you made it more literal, like if their females actualy had reproductive systems like rats females, if they got born in litters of 5+ and breed in pulses, if their brains actualy functioned as if they were hiperactive autists with borderline & bipolar because concrete neurology, etc

only thing id ad is longer noses, jaws and ears, like whfb style

You can ask the same about literally any version of any race.

A better question would be: What purpose do we have for them? How do we adjust them accordingly, so that they will fulfill it in an ideal manner?

Change the stats. +2 DEX, and -2 WIS or INT in exchange for +2 CHA (passionate little buggers)

Give them a racial trait worth picking.
Have them become mad tinkerers.

What is there to fix other than their lack of presence around my penis

Goblins are great just the way they are. If I were to change anything, it would be to just give them more natural enemies/predators that kill/eat them on sight.

Make some of them genuinely badass and able to stand up to the other races without crutches such as mad tech, dark magic or black gods' blessings.

...

interracial gene-mixing could be a solution to "improving" goblins

I think he's mostly right, only I would make goblins longer lived, simply that most don't because of external conditions, like Styx, goblins could live for centuries, if they could ever stop being under the thumb of an oppressive society. I imagine the insane deviousness and wickedness is more of a by-product of juvenile behaviour, bad parenting and the constant threat of plated boot storm troopers with maces kicking in your door to assert dominance and "heretics gonna burn"

By not having them. The very idea is a racist idea of lesser human that are brutish with flavors of magical negro/evil vodoo magic sprinkled about but ultimatly they're a lesser person and should be killed under the game systems. It's like trying save that racist merchant depiction of a person of the jewish faith, no matter how much you try and do mental gymnastics you're a moron for trying.

Goblins have instinctive knowledge of how to be good doms, and use tamed humans as mounts.

I'm sure you're open to discussion user

The lack of user/goblin mating is truly a serious problem.

Can you think of any reason she puts up with this bullshit other than the orgasms must be mind-blowing?

can confirm goblins in my groups setting have gone from a barbarian race to a civilized one and have a pretty decent demense within the kingdom that could be a nation in its own right

Without magical cop outs nothing about that image really makes sense outside of it just being sex play. Slaves that fight while getting whipped really wouldn't stay completely unscarred for very long

> How do we finish the Goblin Race?
Fixed that for you user.
And of course the answer is:
with fire and sword!!

Romans weren't really interested in genocide for the most part though.

Goblin Knights

>Don't bother, they're just green gnomes for the Horde.

I'd be more fair to say that gnomes are just white goblins for the Alliance.
At least goblins occasionally get some lore.
Once you level past Gnomer, gnomes are permanently irrelevant.

Don't, they're fine as is.

Make them a minor power. They have their own country with their own goblinbrained government and laws.

Don't think she's getting whipped, I think that's a leash.

These are all I agree with. Shortstacks are a blessing.

Except for goblins, of course.

I mean, you seen any goblins around since the Roman Empire?

why did the romans genocide them

Then again, look what happens to none humans or dwarves in the alliance that get attention, night elves and draenei are just eternal useless punching bags for orcs.

Didn't pay their fucking taxes man.

By giving them a king.

Make them an all female race that requires human males to reproduce.

Have them believe that the mightier and wealthier a BBEG is, the better his offspring will be, explaining why they would be gleefully willing to join their cause.

>Serious answer
They don't need fixing, really. A destructive, horde race with little scruples for life. Mix in a liberal amount of insane engineering and you've made me a happy user.

>Non-serious answer
Shortstacks are super hot. Make them less disgusting, more civilized, and much more fuckable.

>to defeat the BBEG you have to fight your way through hordes of goblin waifus

Seriously gonna have to roll bard and James Bond through that shit, the PTSD will be too severe the normal way around.

Are you talking of the Dave?

Also makes sense that they would betray him then once you start kicking ass because they see you as a possible mate as well.

>once the party defeats the BBEG, the goblins will demand someone from the party to become the new overlord
>without an overlord, goblins everywhere will go crazy, abducting humanoid males to use as mates
>there must always be an overlord to keep the goblins in check
One of the few moments where the bard's sex prowess becomes vital to the game.

make goblins silly and have quirks, but still can be serious and even deadly. instead of flat evil or good have them be mislead or ignorant of the world around them (books eat thinks, so burn da books!). having a strange sense of logic for better or for worse is what makes them so fun.

also speaking of goblin kings, i just had an idea for a story
>starscream type guy wants to take over kingdom
>king cursed to be super ugly beyond recondition
>can only be undone through true loves kiss
>but his one true love, the queen, has died long ago from some ailment
>blamed ugly king for killing the king
>runs away into goblin village in the mountains
>think hes a big ol gobbo
>"he da tallest, so he da big boss now!"
>mountains rich with ore and materials
>builds goblin kingdom ground up
>wage war against old kingdom
>too strong head on
>attacks resources, all for revenge
>starscream sends party to kill the "evil" goblin king slayer in his "evil" lair on top of the "evil" mountains
>keikaku intensifies

I've always loved it when non-goblins takes the role of goblin leaders, whether they're humans, orcs, ogres, dragons and whatever, so I approve of your idea.

I guess that means that I prefer goblins as gremlins who don't care if their leader is a non-goblin, it's enough if they're strong, or cunning, or both.

fpfp
/thread

>Romans weren't really interested in genocide for the most part though.

Except if you really manage to piss them off.

Well, even then, mass execution is rather hard to pull off without industrial technology.

agreed, lovable little underlings are lovable.

>captcha: de jesus viking
>look at pic
that'll do captcha, that'll do

I swear, Incase consistently hits every single fetish I have. It's so nice.

engineer their wombs to bear human children, then turn them into breeding sluts

I'd get in bed with a goblin.

Like a sexual lich king, then?

So what would a half-goblin look like? Is there half elf half goblins?
How do i homebrew a half goblin race?

Yes.

Like half-elves, but green and with delicious birthing hips

I dunno, they rebelled over something, hid in a bunch of forts for like fifteen years, it was shitty.

...

I run them in my setting as essentially roaming gypsies who travel from place to place in massive caravans, before setting down a tent city to try and scam their wares.

Lets me keep them slimy, but less full retard. Also lets me run them as oracles or palm/card readers.

Exterminate them, don't let even the babies alive.

> "We whack 'em upside da 'ead n' eat 'em! 'Cause dere Tasty!"

but goblins are tiny. that means they have tiny guts. split and incise.

>party gets to his lair
>explains the situation
>he has found true love with one of the goblin women, but knows if his curse is undone he shall be cast out once again
>torn between duty to the goblins and his love.
>feels ensue

goblin lords, champions and heroes are big.

Bondage and electrocution are her fetish.

>How do I homebrew a half-goblin race?

Depends on what game you're running. D&D 3.5 has a canon half-goblin race already, from Dragonlance's "Races of Krynn" sourcebook.

I work goblins as mechanical people that work off gut instincts, and we play with dragonmech so it works out great. Goblins in my games have +2 wis, -2str and will have the racial ability to change the following skills from int to wisdom - Alchemy, Craft (including mechcraft), Open Lock, Knowlege (Mech, Geography, Architecture), and Bonus Steam Powers. this will be due to a trait called Innate Know How

>has to live a life of bitter vengeance lest his plans fall

love it. was thinking of a koopa kids type of elite group, because midbosses, and a girl or two among them.

This sounds incredibly fun to role play but also could be problematic with getting the goblins to not make a huge mess of everything. I'd be like trying to herd cats.
What could be some sure fire ways to get them to behave without being cruel and edgy.

Remove everything redeemable or personable about goblins. Remove sexual dimorphism. Remove intelligible speech.

The only good goblins these days are fucking grots, man.

The rest are just green gnomes. They even contain the same memes: A love of terrible tinkering, short, busty women, invisible, easily killable men, high populations, insularity(except when it comes to their women apparently, because fetishes), and explosions.

Gnomes and goblins both need to just die.

Have you heard of a game called overlord?

Which LN does have enough rape then?

We become the goblins.

This.

Yeah but it has been years since I played it.

We can take inspiration from it. you give them their own quarters that they can fuck up all they want. They are not allowed to mess up the rest of the area, but they have their own containment area. Give them missions to vent their special creativity on. As long as they have an outlet, you have your unfucked castle

Nice but what about on the go can they be trusted to accompany me to go to market?

I prefer my goblins being more like intelligent violent rats that destroy villages and caravans and like rap music a lot.

I don't need green violent humans since niggers and gypsies can be shown openly at the table.

kid harnesses. alternatively have a big or smart one to help manage/babysit the lot.

All these ideas are shit. The reason goblins don't care about lives is because their lives are cheap. The combination of short lives and the accelerated creativity that comes from it is what makes them interesting. Imagine a rail system that is a better engineered product if it kills a couple workers a month for a smidge of cost effectiveness. Making them longer lived, less chaotic, or muh oppressive culture completely removes what makes goblins interesting. Goblins mature in weeks, are working in months, and die in a decade. They are absurdly creative and clever because that is the only way their species can survive living in fucking dungeons, and like the naked mole rat, kamikaze attacks actually increase your chance of genetic immortality.
Stop trying to make them human waifu-fags

This.

Why is it high birth rates are also shit?

Life is devalued. You just go around killing each other and it doesn't matters at all.

I always really liked the goblins in the now obscure crpg Lionheart. An otherwise poorly done game that had a very interesting game world idea where magic suddenly came to a real life medieval timeline.

In it goblins have taken over/taken the place of the mongol horde. Asiatic swarmers, they use harass tactics and specialize in archery.

The interesting thing about them is that they have the ability to eat brains and gain some semblance of intelligence and transferred skill from the act. Individually goblins are standard dumb and loathsome, but the commanders would have above average intelligence and the khans would be near superhuman geniuses.

I think it hits a lot classic points. Goblins are still weak and come from a land of "rough" civilization. They're still associated with destruction and terror. They are still vaguely evil by their very nature and use tricks more than raw strength to win battles. But there's potential for them to be truly threatening and the big brain leaders insure that goblin civilization is dangerously competitive. It explains why goblin culture is so aggressive since their entire culture is probably built around leveling up themselves from their kills.