40kchan

Don't know about some of the others but knocking a cyborg dude out with a lasgun butt and shoving a mouse and keyboard up his robot ass works for the guys at my regiment

Did you manage to figure out what caste she belonged too?
If she's fire then it's good to go, same with water, earth can be a bit tricky due to their stubbornness, and air would be impossible due to them being confined in space.

All the blueskins look the same to me, and she hasn't said a word to me. It's creeping me out.

Dude, not wanting to shoot a bluie so you don't spark a war is weebshit?

Cross-breeding with xenos is highly heretical, OP.

So hitt'er in the shitter, bro!

Just give it the middle finger or something. It should theoretically know what that means, even if it doesn't understand gothic.

Also, there's a very high risk it could be a spy. Report to your superiors about your suspicion.

>999.99.M41
>not wanting constant war

dfte user

You know, BLAMing isn't just a meme... No fun allowed commissar is watching.

I'll try that next time, I'll post results.

Commissar knows, higher ups likely know.

Alright guys, it's lights out. I'll post results next time I can.

I swear, I'm this close to clubbing her to the ground with my lasgun...

frak you

So offer to A-frame with him?

At least some blueberry xenos girl with the hots for you is the worst you have. Get a load of this.

I am stuck out here on a shitty frontier world just barely recently brought into the light of the Emperor with the rest of my regiment. This planet's only strategic value being, "It's property of Humanity and the Imperium". Or that's at least what would be best case scenario if not for a minor issue with this world, more on this in a bit. We're lucky enough to maybe see a supply ship once every 45 Terran years, and the only thing this desert hell planet has going for it is that at least there's water...somewhere. Usually in deep aquifers, although there's a hive or two near some of the few bodies of water that dot this place. Beyond the dry heat and smelling like grox shit after drills, it wouldn't be so bad a place for a single guard regiment.

I wish that's all I had to complain about. The minor issue I was talking about? It's not something that would be easy to shoot at, like tyranids, cultists of any variety, no, apparently that'd be too easy in this damned galaxy. We got orks, but not just any run of the mill greenskins. No, apparently the xeno's have been noted by the citizens of this planet to be of the clan known as Blood Axes. I can't tell the difference, usually you see an ork you shoot it or pray that your buddy on the left or right shoots it before it charges you. But not these guys. Apparently they get hired by citizens on this planet for all sorts of things, anything from spying on other Ork clans (or so the greenskins claim) to actually pulling hits on nobles or small towns for revenge on old feuds. Emperor on Tera these inbreds don't know what they are dealing with. It just gets worse from here.

Frag the Commissar in a training accident and fuck her and/or kill her, you pick

Cultural Exchange time?

Hey guys, one of the other guardsmen said that if I wore this necklace and burned eight candles tonight, I won't die in combat tomorrow. Is he on to something? It seems like a load of bullshit but when I hold the necklace in my hand, it feels good, ya know? Like I can take on the world.

So the first thing to realize is that Orks, despite usually being about as smart as a couple of thunderhammer's taped together, use money of some kind. They just don't use the Imperial currency, they use their teeth. The newly minted Imperial citizens don't have access and don't want to get access to these things because they'd rather not deal with Ork attacks every day, so the boss of this group of greenskins just politely (for an Ork) asks for simple things instead, food, water, scrap metal, (This one's a riot) FETHING GUNS, and oddly enough clothing from their military groups. In fact, most of the population was more than happy to trade our regiment's Quartermaster knickknacks, supplies, and books for old uniforms, unused medals, hats, which we didn't catch onto until later. And no, I swear on the Golden Throne that we never traded guns and ammo, and we sure as hell got the civilians to stop as soon as we could. Or at least most of them.

So again, no big deal right? Just shoot them. I know you're all saying it, see problem, apply lasgun, if ineffective add more lasgun, rinse and repeat. I wish that were the case. See, we are only a small regiment right now, and the citizens here are about as supportive of open warfare on ANY Orks as Tera would be to chaos taint, for fear of the massive backlash. I mean sure, that's understandable. Death by Ork isn't usually how most want to go. So we have had to maintain a charade of peace whenever some idiot noble decides to hire these things. And that's a show in itself. Most of these guys wear what looks like camouflage, but it's just..wrong. Mismatched color, Colors that look like something chaos spat out after a bad night on the town. Patterns that could give people seizures if the Ork wearing it moved too quickly, things that don't even match THE ENVIRONMENT THEY ARE IN. I saw one Ork sporting colors more suited to Arctic warfare than to the desert.

How was your Candlemass Anonsmen?

So what do we do? What can we do? Dying for the Emperor is great, but success in the name of the Emperor is greater. The brass decides that until the next supply ship and the large number of reinforcements just so happens to be capable of orbital bombardment AND houses enough guardsman to give Cadia a run for it's money show up, we have to play along. The brass wants proper accurate numbers and to make sure that whenever the Orks are "attacking or scouting the other clans" they are actually doing it. So a few of us have had the luck (we drew lots here) to actually play "advisers" to the things the things.The shift of the planet influence to the Imperium has some of the Orks on edge, but the combination of new military uniforms, medals, and ribbons plus disguising ourselves helps keep them in check.

To top it off, the Orks have "volunteered" (still expecting payment mind you) to help us smash a few smaller backwater Ork villages. One's they claim, "Iz too small to offa a propa fight, but it'd make it easia on you 'umies" in their vile tongue. I'm pretty sure they are actually screwing with us here at some points with this working better for them, but the brass tells you what to do, you do it. Operating with them is a bit surprising. You'd figure an Ork would be easier to spot and hear when they bounding around, but they are apparently pretty quiet. The camo working for them is starting to bother me.

I gotta run though, Commissar is coming back, I'll catch you guys soon.

Fraggin' Blood Axes. Spent my whole service fighting Orks and orkoids and I swear those are the craziest of the bunch. Warp, they idolized us. Still fought us like devils, but they respected us. You know, they were orkishly honourable, not just randomly killing. Had one throw down his weapons and surrendering to my unit, once.
Their whole species has something wrong in the head if you ask me.

Alone in a candle-lit post guarding an empty road for ten hours because my firewatch officer couldn't be arsed to send somebody to relieve me. At least I got the time for the first combat jack since we entered this snowy shithole a couple months ago.

42nd Volskan, we're on Gradia (nothernmost Segmentum Tempestus). What about you guys?

>Gradia
My nigga were not the far apart, I'm 3 subsectors away from ya'll. You heard about they boys who put down a nurgle cult, it was my bois and me.
9th Vostrkian

++++Kill him before he gets you BLAMmed, then tell the commissar that he was a bloody heretic.++++

++++I'm on Cadia, serving as an enginseer. I'm currently attached to the 8th Cadian. It's bloody horrible here, but we had a pleasant evening. We've prayed the Emperor/Omnissiah, shared stories, and gave each other gifts.++++

++++Also, the higher-ups probably felt a bit nicer, since they gave us better weapons. I've been given a plasma pistol! A beautiful piece of work, it is. Incredibly effective. It's behaving strangely, however. Sometimes, when firing, the bolt is a beautiful golden colour. When it happens, the target is always vapourised. I've talked with the Machine Spirit, it does not know why on Terra it should happen. I've also inspected the components, they're completely regular.++++

shoot the buddy that gave you it
you don't need to know, just shoot him

Please report to your local commissar. Thank you for bringing this artefact to the attention of the Ordo Moderati.

Good work lads, though I can't say I heard about it. Not much news around here I'm afraid. You the guys with the furry hats and sweet-ass lasguns, right?

to think that we're lucky if we get the good MREs for Candlemass

frag is that supposed to be? All stupid superstition.

Our techpriest is a bit of a jerk and he hexed the machine so I can't change boards now.
Can someone give me a list of the board on the site?

Greetings, fellow guardsmen.

I have been ordered by my Captain Nr. 6373748484839384 to ask for the current date and to send the following message in his name: We have been ordered back to the base on command of the Adeptus Munitorum to celebrate this years Emperors Day. My General would like to know if we can still make it in time. We are currently beset by some vile heretical machinery, emitting a green glow, some of these soulless automatons even dare to misuse the holy human form to drap themselves into, like clothes (although I'm wondering if such a primitive xeno race even knows of proper dressing codes and the necessary odes to His holy washing machines).
Can we still make it?

You might make it if you do your first rank fire and second rank fire regularly.

How could you tell she was a female? those xenos are all ugly in the same way

Anyway call the arbitres and tell them she violated your safe spaces.

Boss Gorka of da ultrasmurfs, 5th waagh ere. Them blood axes be sum right gits, always actin' like zoggin' grotz not knowin' which way to point them shootas and constantly chewin' on em own choppas. You best be keepin' a close eye on em and keepin' faith in the Emprah when you crumpin' them gitz.

Hello fellow guardsmen, been spending the last three months fighting cultists. We're not doing super well, we've lost bout 90% of our forces. yesterday was going pretty rough they called in for navel support and shot some guys, moral improved.

The forward squad said the navel reinforcements arrived a few hours ago. Not sure what legion they are from last I heard they were red with horns. Didn't hear much from forward company after that. Can't wait to meet my first spaces marines.

As you command, my Lord! We will try not to disappoint you.

DO THEY HAPPEN TO BE NAMED "WORD BEARERS"?

I'd... advise against that. Amongst us Tau, putting your middle finger up like that is a crude statement expressing your desire to fuck. Given our eugenics programs it also carries connotations of forbidden love.

Part of the Cadian 512th here. My squad has been loaned out to some no-name space station out near Ultramar. Place is apparently just a place to develop new weapons and raise bodies for the frontlines. Reminds me a lot of home really.

Sounds like a great place right? It would be if it wasn’t for some of the locals. Now don’t get me wrong, these are some nice guardsmen, but they’re the ugliest sons of bitches I’ve ever met. Almost all of them have this weird skin condition that leaves them bald and dry skinned.

This a common problem on stations in this sub-sector or should I start thinking of these guys as abhumans?

Well, little servant of the Emperor, you might be thinking to keep your distance from the xeno girl so as to not alarm your commissar. Don't. Tau excel at ranged combat, and while I do not mean to demean the Astra Militarum, your lasgun really doesn't compare to anything she could potentially be fielding. Seeing as you can't purge her either, my suggestion would be to keep really close to her for as much time as possible.

You see, most tau lack the conviction to be able to sacrifice their fellow soldiers. This means as long as you keep in close quarters with her they will probably not shoot (though just in case you should always stay with your back against the wall). Also, tau completely SUCK at melee combat, so just by proximity she'll be too afraid to try to initiate hostilities.

You could, as well, try to communicate with her. Because of the aforementioned lack of capability at glorious melee combat, she'll be intimidated enough to answer most of your questions (at least the ones you manage to communicate in Gothic to vile xenos scum). Try to figure out her planet of procedence, her exact role in the forces deployed in the planet and exactly how old she is by the standards of her race (it is a good way to know whether you're facing a company of veterans). You can then relay this information to your commissar. That way, he will know you act with the Imperium's best interests at heart and you will help our cause on that planet without prematurely starting the war!

PS: What is this crush you speak of? A new tau weapon?

Not that guardsmen, but it's actually quite simple. Look at their foreheads:
If they have a "I", they are male.
If they have a "Y", they are female.
Hope that helped killing xenos a bit easier.

BACK IN MY DAY WE PURGED THE XENO SCUM INSTEAD OF LETTING THEM COME CLOSE. WOTH THE EXCEPTION OF BRINGING THEM IN RANGE OF OUR SWORDS.
I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU, TINY HUMAN. NOW GO AND PURGE WITH RIGHTEOUS HATRED.

>Wanting to waste superior human lives
>Wanting constant war

You sound like an Ork. That's heresy.

Or he is a Istvaanian, AKA the only people who thinks that the problems of the Imperium can be resumed with NOT enough wars. Crazy heretics the lot of them.

Venerable Astartes, in this context a "crush" is much like the emotion The Sisters of Battle hold for our dear and beloved Emperor and in some occasions his Sons, such as yourself.

[Spoiler] The thought of a Space Marine lurking on a guardsman forum pleases me greatly [/spoiler]

I do not understand. Does that mean this xenos girl somehow sees a guardsman in a remote outpost as the savior of the human race and a beacon of hope for our Imperium? Or for her own race? Why would a xenos be inspired to such devotion for a member of a different species? Maybe we could exploit this "Crush" the tau appear to develop for humanity as a battlefield advantage once we must face them on the field of battle.

Nevertheless, I do like this "Crush" concept. I shall communicate such to the Chaplain.

>>Thought for the day: To crush on the Emperor is to be righteous.

>>Thought for the day: To crush on the Emperor is to be righteous.

Hey we are going to Spinward Front, any sightseeing tips?

>i thought i executed enough guardsmen to not have to worry about this shit with these bluies.
>i was fucking wrong.

stay away from the under hives and you will be fine.

Is it too late to become a cogboy?
I just started my first year as a guardsmen in an artillery regiment (125th of Honoria). We've been stationed on a ocean planet for now and other peace and quiet after the orks left; enjoying the beach has gotten a bit dull.
I do some repairs and maintenance on small arms and big guns every now and then so I think I'd be a good choice.
Tldr bored Guardsman wants to be a enginseer

All this shit was probably from a Cadian

If it were a Catachan I assure you mister commissar the xeno would have shot and or stabbed on sight.

Shameless self bump
I would ask our tech priest but he hides in his workshop and refuses to talk to anyone other than command in a non binary language
The other died when the basilisk misfired

You catafags are just as worse I knew cool Catachan but he had this weird thing man. Every xeno he killed he pulled out that knife all Catachans had cut off their feet.

He had an entire collection of those tau hooves but his favorite were the eldar banshees.

He told me it was payback for killing guardsmen but I don't know...

>be me
>lamenter
>just want to fight for the service of our Emperor and the citizenry of our glorious Imperium
>get fucked by mortifuckheads
>get fucked by warp
>get fucked by shitotaurs
>get fucked by chaos
>getting fucked by crusade
>can't even return to cadia to defend its people against failbaddon
and you guardsmen complain you have it bad

Have you tried being competent? Because last I saw every space marine chapter ever fights against all those and more without losing and whining even half as much.

Who let /l9k/ out of their containment board.

Oi mates, my squad gawt slaughta'd on iss here backwata planet, so I've temprarily reabsorbed into some squad a Cadians 'at came ta help us.

See, ders a problem tho. Oim a vox operata. On account a me low hoive accent, whenever oi do moi job nice and roight, them blokes think oim an Ork! The resident vox operata just kinda tells me to sit in e' corna n' shut up, and it reallay feels bad, man.

Wot do?

>41st millennium
>worshiping a corpse
lmao you imperialfags need to read the book of Lorgar

WAAAAGH

Hell yeah

Fuck off Lorgar I'm not buying your shitty book.

One day, on a patrol, the platoon I was in stumbled on a symbol witch ressembled this one. After our report, the commissar keep us to "debriefing" a whole week 'till the Inquisition came interrogating our seargent. We got reassigned to the other side of the planet, but when we were lived, we saw Inquisitoral Troop being dropped. I don't know what was that symbol, I don't want to, but believe me, I'm sure it is highly heretical. So believe me, this thing is not good. Make the guardsman who gave you this necklace disappear and bury said necklace, or go report him to the commissar and cross your finger.

Just spend some time to talk with her user~

You know she wants to spend time with you, it's easy blue pussy~

Besides you can turn the situation on the planet around, you'd be a hero.

Isn't that great? Single-handedly ending a war on a planet, getting Xeno ass, and being known as a hero of The Imperium? You know you want it, just give in~

My PA always told me to be wary of those who wear bright colors and show too much skin.

Alright, I'm back.

What's that? Never heard of... No, I choose to live.

Rough.

Far away from home, on a world I don't care about. Should have just stayed home and married Abigail...

, is right. Basic orientation before we got onto this world.

Something's off about you, but I can't put my finger on it...

Fuck. Too late. Verbal abuse didn't put her off, but I could swear it just made her wet. Ugh.

Now you're the real deal... But somehow I doubt you understand.

Astartes? On MY board? It's more likely then you'd think.

Hey, go easy. I'm trying to AVOID this shit.

shills pls go

Um. Heard a rumor that a Hero of the Imperium's already coming...?

'Ez roight ya git. Dont let da Böueberris get ta close too ya. Green iz da bezzt!

The sacred litany of Bumping must be intoned. From the flames, deliver this thread...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ya hav'a blueskin that's look'n to frak ya!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, Emp'rah. Sorry, that made my day. Postin from a "borrow'd" terminal insid'a blueskin outpost.

...whoops, may've giv'n away my position.

...'kay, back. Had ta convince Gabe not ta be a little BITCH an' carry tha body.

Anaway, tha best thing ta do is ta figya out if tha blueskin is trickin ya. Tha're tricksa, tricksa little things.

... Thanks.

Fraggin' Throne, my TL was caught with contraband. Team assigned to guard duty as he gets tried and flogged. The bastard deserves it if you ask me, mainly because he's getting all of us to pay for his groxshit.
That makes it twice in a week that I have to sit in a stupid bare room listening for a buzzer that never comes to push a button to open a door that nobody even knows is there.
I'm still the fraghead from Gradia, AMA.

Sup /xno/, cogboy here, asking here because my support ticket priority is in the shitter.
Almost sure the maintenance servitors get their issues resolved faster than I do.

I'm on this little admech research moon base in Tempestus -nice place, snowy with some inoffensive local wildlife- and mostly just have to do logistics and maintain the base, the local Magos and his apprentices/bootlickers do the interesting stuff. Thus I piss around in /xno/.
Thing is... The research here is on xenotech. Yes, I know that the machinations of the xeno are perfections of the machine spirit before anyone tries to lecture me. I have the damned red-and-white robe, I know this stuff already. But for those not in the know, yes we still look into xenotech for any possible inspiration. It's usually a crapshoot but as a little callback to OP, there's some new plasma gun patterns in the testing phase from looking at blueberry weaponry. So it occasionally comes up with results.
And in the research laboratory.. well, I've sent a LOT of crates of black and green metallic parts marked as xenotech downstairs. I'm.. guessing it's from Necrons? Are there any signs I should look out for corruption? Or just general danger/spontaneous reactivation? This is sort of out of my area of expertise, I trained as cybernetica!

an Eldar has taken up residence in my favorite hab plant, what should I do /xno/?

By the holy dubs, you must purge it with fire.

Tyranid Hive Mind here. Just wanted to tell all you humans that we're gonna take a break from infecting you with Genestealers this year. We have too many cults, and now entire neural nodes are filled with Four-Armed Emperor shitposters.

We think we're gonna try the Tau next. See if we can get a Great Food thing going. Plus, we hear the Kroot know some great recipes for eating other races.

Pray, I guess?

We still exist assholes.

Stick your dick in it.

If it's Dark Eldar, LEAVE. Your hab is about to get fucked in a way that'll start off fun but quickly turn into body horror and drive you insane.

If it's Craftworld Eldar, LEAVE. Chances are your entire planet is about to get fucked, in a "used to distract Ork/Tyranid/Chaos/Etc from the craftworld" sort of way.

I know. You're bros, had a few drinks with some on my way here.

sounds like it coule be a slaaneshi daemonette in disguise trying to coax you into heresy. just to be safe you should report this to your nearest inquisitor.

Hey guys,

I've been fighting in the trenches against some rebellious guardsmen, real nasty types. Due to the aforementioned trench warfare I've never actually seen one of them up close, but they absolutely reek and I think I saw one of them with a banner with three green circles on it.

Anyway, I think I've got a case of gangrene, but it doesn't hurt at all - actually feels somewhat pleasant bizarrely. Should I not bother telling the company medic? I wouldn't want to waste his time.

...

Guardsman, please report to the nearest Ecclesiarchial or Inquisitorial Representative as soon as possible.

Do not report to your superiors.

Do not report to your Medicae.

Do not touch ANYONE.

Doesn't sound too serious, chill out and wait for it to go away. Medic's probably got his hands full, anyway.

Yeah, I think is overreacting.

Also, anyone got any acne cures? I haven't had spots like this since I was a teenager... Probably just battlefield stress.

SOME OF YOU ARE OK...

DON'T GO TO CADIA TOMORROW.

>implying we have a choice

ayo abby why the fuck aint you buy my book yet man. it would sure help you out with dem black ass crusades you be goin on

So I'm from this little farming planet in the middle of no where right? We have nothing going for us, low pop, average as soil and a few tribes of ogryns. So of course our tithe is just food and some ogryns. My job is to look after the ogryns and just make contact between them and everyone else easy.
Trouble is one of the retired PDF blokes kept his old as lasgun, one that could shoot maybe 5 times before it ran out of charge. So the crazy bastard pulled it apart to see if he could make it 'better' just for shits and giggles, and some how figured out how to make a backpack and hose monstrosity that feeds the gun nearly unlimited shots. (Hasn't ran out yet and we can't count that high) To make things worse he taped a bunch of these guns together (like ten of them) and gave them to the ogryns for 'testing'. I found out about it pretty quick and contacted the proper authorities. A few months after some man made out of more steal than flesh turned up and demanded the guns so he could destroy them, as is proper. Trouble is he went to the ogryns before talking to me, don't know what he said exactly but he upset the ogryns something fierce and ended up as a puddle of scrap. So now we have a bunch of ogryns running around shooting shit and the metal man's friends are deploying tanks. What do I do?

O.M.G. We actually got an =][=nternet connection in the monastery for once! Has anybody seen my Hand Flamer? I like, totally know I left it in the armoury but it isn't even there.

Duck and cover. Try and stay out of the war's way. It's not going to be pretty... Such a pointless war.

Sounds like it got gifted to the Blood Ravens.

Candlemass was just a few Terran days ago, after all.

>see a xenos
>didn't immediately shoot it
new orders to report to the nearest commissar for execution effective immediately

fucking stacies get
this is a comm network for battle brothers only

I'm posting through our ship's inquistorial VPN so I'll be honest:

Fucking xenos is great. It's all about your interpretation of the Emperor's directives.

This xenos scum is looking at you, and willingly deciding to forsake breeding with their own race, to willingly submit to your human supremacy. Obviously the situation on your planet is delicate enough to warrant restraint and not flat-out Exterminatus, so take this as an opportunity.

Show her how a Guardsman fucks. Make her fall for you, and let her spill her secrets to win your favor. It's okay to enjoy the carnal pleasures, because that isn't you enjoying her supple blue cunt, it's your love and devotion to the Emperor swelling up and bursting forth from your body.

So, gather enough information from your pillow-talk and channel it up. Don't let your braindead Commissar know; he's liable to execute you for heresy and then report the information as his own findings.

Remember, we're watching. And on the lookout for talent to recruit. How do you think I got to be an Acolyte? I loved my unit, but working for the Inquisition is SO CASH.

put it in the holy microwave