ITT: We share the "best" curse we've ever curses our players with

>BBEG teleports us to a kingdom full of lawful good human paladin type guys, blackmailing us into having to break a guy out of prison there.
>We are a changeling bard, a necromancer, a half Orc barbarian, and fantasy Solid Snake
>We help the city fight off some fire Giants in their most desperate hour
>They congratulate us for saving their city and protecting the life of their most important general
>We managed to do it while looking like regular good human heroes plus a half Orc
>They give us a golden crest signifying that we are heroes of the city
>We pin it to the half Orc since no one in this city will trust him because they're all lawful good racist
>We break into the prison that night after making a shady deal to get into the sewers underneath
>We discuss how we're going to pull this off
>I do some skeleton raising after fighting some monsters down here
>We sneak into the place, find the general and his best men waiting for us
>end up in prison

>The crest was a listening device
>They never trusted us because we fell from the sky and we're friends with a half orc
>We never checked it

One time I put a belt in front of my players that would give them a not-inconsiderable stat boost, but made every adult member of the opposite sex within a given radius pursue them in a blind sexual fury and try to fuck them unconscious. What can I say, it was high school.

After the initial fallout (which as I recall involved a chase scene through a frontier market town) they gave it to the party changeling. Clever bugger was only too happy to stay in "neutral mode" most of the time. Can't have an opposite sex when you don't have a sex yourself. I think the player's plan may have been to switch to male or female as appropriate to distract enemies in combat, but it never really came up.

Your DM is a brilliant bastard.

Yes he is. He plays us like a damn fiddle.

He isn't bullshitting us, either. I know for a fact he has story branches leading on a better path in case we figure out the ways people try to trick us, but he always does such a good job that even though it's under our noses we fall for it every time.

>Dog from an alley drops a half-rotted rat carcass into Duragath's lap whilst he awaits his companions.
This one really got me.

I love how players always assume the villain is telling the truth.
One time the party wizard got punked after spending all but two of his spell slots because he decided to trust a Chaotic Evil goddess.
After killing someone to fulfill a bargain, he got a portal to her domain and immediately got fucked up by his rival, a warlock who worked for the same goddess - and who was at full while the wizard had just spent 90% of his resources for the day.

Why did you cut this comic in half and leave out the punchline?

I've had
>The Blessing of Prometheus
or
>The Curse of Prometheus
depending on who you ask.
Whenever an opponent must roll to avoid catching fire from your attack, their roll is considered to fail by one Degree of Failure. This failure may be re-rolled as normal (i.e. this re-roll does not automatically fail but is rolled normally).
Any roll you are required to make to avoid catching fire is considered a failure. This failure can be re-rolled as per above. Additionally, fire-related things attempted by and close to the character tend to go out of control. These range from the minor and common, like lanterns sparking up and leaving ugly soot or sparks flying that create minor burns, to the dangerous and improbable like a log crackle bounding a hot coal onto the table or a dropped torch immediately igniting everything around it.

It started as a joke during WoWS, where I always catch on fire all the time, no matter how improbable.

user. I hate to break this to you, but you missed a great opportunity here.

That DM gifted you with an incredible amount of power at an extremely low level. You should absolutely have made use of it. Ideally, you could have headed back to the statue, stolen the rest of the items to accumulate more undead cursemarks, and summoned a massive undead army to wreak havoc and destruction upon the land. As a bonus, it would have fucked over whatever bullshit campaign your idiot DM had planned.

When life gives you lemons, make a lemon cannon.

I made a character that was basically a curse on the party. This is off memory and it's been a while so bear with me.

>Party of 5
>Sorceress, Barbarian, Rogue, Elf and me
>chibi wendigo. 2 feet tall, round, only noticeable features are big eyes and stubby antlers. Sometimes a mouth.
>stats are shit across the board. Horrible rolls. DM lets me do whatever with magic for lulz
>Every interaction with the world is done to the roll of a d6
>ignore, fight, befriend, set on fire, attempt to mate with, and "get creative"
>sitting in a tavern waiting for a contact with quest info
>sorceress complains her drink is cold
>it's go time
>grab the drink and set in on the end of the table
>roll to cast cone of cold
>3
>no mana left
>fuckthesystem.jpg
>draw two pentagrams on the table
>mug on one
>baked potato on the other
>start screaming like a warp navigator and stabbing the potato with a knife
>pentagrams glow and mana sparks on the table
>somewhere out there an evil deity who's eaten nothing but virgin's blood for 500 years was overjoyed to have normal food for once
>cast again
>19
>freeze the mug along with two patrons and half the fireplace
>random half orc in the bar is pissed
>threaten half orc with an ear of corn and a growl
>get carried out still growling by the rogue while the elf tries to apologize
Another time
>innaswamp
>fighting spiders
>boss arrives
>typical half woman half spider
>except the top half was spider too
>spend the next 8 rounds rolling for seduction
>cast confusion on the barbarian twice to keep him from delivering the coup de grace.
>rogue stuffs me in his bag of holding and I have to roll a 20 dex to get out
>the rest of the swamp campaign I play the role of a barking magical bag that occasionally throws gold coins

Actually that was literally all I could find of the damn thing at the time

Also hi everyone

>lemon canon

Ok so this is more of a theoretical curse than a curse I have witnessed myself.

>Call of Cthulu
>Sword of Whispering
>Whispers nonsensical bullshit and must be in contact with player's body at all time
>only cure is death
>The more insane you are, the more sense the sword makes
>Clues you in on secrets and shit if you cut off heads with it
Pic very much related but with the personality of "The Book" instead.

> Piteous Pate
> Pate

He slathered himself in gelatin'd liver?

>Piteous Pate

I hope that brave warrior didn't come a cropper either.
Be careful out there. There's talk of unsavoury bandits who prey upon travellers like yourself.

This man. He wouldn't happen to be a Cleric now, is he? Ah, no matter. We all know all we need to know about Clerics I suppose. Especially if we only see them once.

Ah, all's well that ends well, right?

We Dark Souls now.

ITT: We talk about the best time we "Trustily Patched" our targets

No John you are That Guy

What does a soup Comercial have to do with talking swords?

This is just poetry. They did become wild beasts out of fear of becoming wild beasts.

Not sure how lawful good equates xenophobic assholes

That is a very bad plan

If I may reiterate: Six THOUSAND uncontrolled, mindless undead, randomly attacking anything they find. A chaotic good fighter is not going to "take this opportunity" to derail an entire campaign in the name of mindless destruction. It would be out of character.

Like said, you're That Guy.
>Obnoxious gimmick character
>Exotic race in an otherwise normal party
>Make up new rules because 'lulsorandum'
>'I roll to seduce'
>Interfering with other players ability to do fun stuff
They literally made up new rules about bags of holding to get you to fuck off and you didn't take the hint.

>The Boots of Slighty Faster Walking
Ordinary pair of boots however, when walking in them you realize you can move faster--slighty. Your forward movement is increased by 10' while your backwards movement is increased by 15'. The curse is thus:
Every two days the forward speed is dipped down by five feet while the backwards speed is ticked up five feet. Eventually you will be unable to move forward and must always treat backwards, but the real cruelty is that left unchecked the boots will eventually increase your speed such that your backwards walk will cause you to never be able to stop no matter how hard you try.

The boots fuse to the legs of the wearer after two days have passed. Surprisingly our monk didn't attempt to have the hex removed and has yet to learn of his ultimate fate.

>>The Boots of Slighty Faster Walking
Jump everywhere, different form of locomotion. Plus the thought of a monk having to literally skip everywhere he goes makes me chuckle

>Be me
>Skipping and Punching shit like monks do
>Come across big fucking giant
>Nope backwards at the speed of light
>Proceed to jump kick from behind after circling the earth two or three times
>We both explode on impact

How to retire a character in style 101

>Jerk off nonstop
>World is drowning in undead
>?????
>The entire planet is masturbated to death

Hah. I'll abuse it like mad. Defeated in combat? Make sad face and get let go. Guards found me sneaking around? Pity a wretch for getting lost in the treasury. Heck, I just become a professional beggar and use the money to hire assassins who will turn down payment out of pity.

The d20 was replaced with a coinflip.

And then you meet a guy who pities you so much he puts you out of your misery

>Be me, MJ on a home made rpg
>Stupid ass player keeps searching everywhere

>Every
>Fucking
>Sentence
>From him
>Was
>"I search"

>You arrive in the town of Omandy
>"I search"

>You traveled on a horse 4 hours
>"I search"

>I couldn't take it anymore.

>Then we arrived to a scene where every player gained a random curse and a blessing
>He was supposed to gain a curse making him slower and a bless of tirelessness
>I didn't tell him and gave him a curse on his inventory and a bless of "find everything"

>He wasn't able to wear more than 6 things on him at all, no matter what (clothes included)
>And everytimes he searched for something he founded something like 10 great objects

>Last but not least, this guy played a mute and stupidly cupid guy, who's quest was to take 5 artifact back to his homeland, so he couldn't even ask the other players to take what he found.

>He never had the possibility to take anything he searched for. Never.

Last week he asked me to "cure" him and promised me to stop searching everytimes it was his turn.
I'm not sure if I should.

*Snaps fingers*

>typical half woman half spider
>except the top half was spider too
>spend the next 8 rounds rolling for seduction

lost it.

If he asked nicely and said that he would improve, you have no reason to ruin his fun. The curse was a good idea, but it's time to cure him.

Yeah, you're right.
But if he start again doing this, I'm gonna be way more crual.

Have a bunch of cursed items I like throw in once ina while

>Untrack Boots
The boots makes noises that don't correspond correctly to what your walking on, so walking on sand sounds like your walking on metal or walking on grass sounds like your walking through bones n such
>Ripstring bow
The bow fires a random part of your own body when shot, can range from fingers and nails to eyeballs and genitalia
>Kick-axe
The axe is pretty strong, but when weilded you have the overwhelming urge to kick things rather then hit them with the axe. The explanation being it was enchanted with a boot enchantment rather then a weapon echantment
>"Angels" feather amulet
It's actually just a really big bird feather, but most anyone that looks upon is convinced it's an angels feather for some reason
>Lonely ring
Bonds to the wearers hand and sometimes forces them to do minor affectionate things such as hugging, patting on the back, and even ass slappin
>Dented helmet
the helmet is normal, the dent however is actually alive, and can travel from the helm to other metal armors. It serves no other purpose and cannot be repaired. It will travel along the armor at random
>Strange torch
The torch eats fire and is afraid of the dark, it will jump out of the weilder's hand if they attempt to bring it into a dark area
>HATE!
A book simply titled HATE! Reading it causes the reader to go into a rage state. If they survive the rage state, they can't recall what in the book made them so angry
>BOOM-box
A strange mechinchal device that looks like a legless record player. It explodes when activated, what'd you expect?
>water bottle?
A potion bottle full of what appears to be water, it tastes and seems to have the same chemical makeup as water, but doesn't actually quench thirst. Still makes you have to pee quite a bit though
>you have my ____!
A weapon that when wielded, assumes the form of what the weilder is least skilled at wielding

I once got a character hit with a Deathcurse that induced constipation.

It eventually killed him.

Oh shit... What a crappy way to go. I bet he was pretty gutsy to keep on going like he did though.

tyg

By making the only solution amputation, the GM had already prevented him from playing his chosen concept. Once a GM does that to a player, all bets are off.

I'd go so far as to say that in that situation, it is your duty as a player to take the new character concept that's been forced upon you, and run with it. Teach your GM to use a little forethought and restraint in the future.

Lawful good humans weren't cool with orcs which are essentially chaotic evil in this universe.

Lawful Good -->
>Orcs are evil
>evil must be banished
>Half-Orcs are at least half-evil
>they can't be trusted

Didn't that curse benefit him in the end?

>Wandering through some bizarre eldritch old school labyrinth
>find a notepad and a quill
>write in that shit because we're dumb cunts
>text disappears
>TomRiddle'sDiary.sh
>write the name of the NPC who gave us the quest
>It tells us everything we would ever want to know about him
>Call the notepad "wikipedia" because we're creative like that.
>Promptly forget about it

>few advventures later
>think the rogue has betrayed us
>barbarian of all people has the brainwave to ask the book if he's betrayed us
>he hasn't
>well that's a relief
>over the course of the adventure the rogue gets more and more insane
>just as we reach the big bad's lair the GM hands him a note
>player reads it, says "nice"
>rogue says "I don't feel so good guys" (the most coherent thing he's said all adventure what with the increasing insanity)
>head splits open
>weird demonic shade type thing bursts out
>proceeds to molest us
>TPK

Turns out a spooky ancient abomination of sorts would possess whatever you wanted to know about, and eventually destroy them. We sure walked right into that one.

it made him a king, eventually.
gut a non gay king that has to solve every political issue through cock sucking.
weather it is beneficial is debatable.

Steriliser pot.
Any liquid inside this jar is rendered magically 'safe', in all meanings of the word. The enchantment only holds for liquids currently inside the jar- the 'unsafeness' inherent to the liquid begins reasserting itself as soon as the liquid leaves the confines of the jar. The jar is currently full of Double Nightshade tincture

My group has always had it's own house rules for 3.X, specifically an avoid death mini game. Basically you called odds or even on a D20. If you got three consecutive guesses correct you stabilised. Three wrong you died. This lead to some epic moments of where people were praying the 50/50 was correct to buy time to be saved.

In One game I made a simple curse that was called 'Misfortune' which basically was 'On a natural 1 on any roll, the worst possible thing to happen happens'. This meant most the time it didn't come into play, except the odd critical miss leading to an auto-critical on a nearby friendly, or a stealth check turning into a comedy sketch of noise etc etc.

During the game a new player who was a 'That guy' had complained that our house rules were "harsh and stupid" and that we should use the fortitude save rules as per the book. He'd also accuse that any attacks directed towards him (as a bard) was me focusing him and complain alot and he'd never shut up each time he took a crossbow bolt or a flameburst. Eventually we agreed to his wishes on the death rules to shut him up.

Anyway he picked up the Misfortune curse on purpose (through desecrating an altar for 'reasons') and generally thought nothing of it - because anything bad would be me 'persecuting him'. He even took pleasure in his occasional 'accidental' attacks on other players and tried to disrupt the party with it at every opportunity.

Then came the first time he had to do the new 'save from death' using the very rules he'd argued so hard for. He picks up the dice and rolls a 1. Prior to this no one had paid attention to the death rules because of the mini game but he'd shone the spotlight on it, so applying Misfortune - the worst possible thing happened and he died. The look on his face and nerd rage he had was impressive, because at the end of the day he'd talked his way into his own demise.

Patches has been a plague since Demon's Souls.

Thre is no reason, NO reason in D&D to wear any magic item before it has been Identified. Best case scenario, you have no idea what you have a bonus to.

They are not lawful and good, they are Lawful Good. They respect no laws that are not good and no good that is unlawful.

>P: "I search"
>DM: for what?
>P: I don't know, what did I find?
>DM: okay, roll it.
>P: 20
>DM: you searched for nothing, and found it.

There are ways to deal with this.

It's the deception coming from Paladins that bothers me more tbqh.

I think he was using paladin to describe the societal norms rather than being a city where every citizen is a paladin.

ITT: vindictive and/or passive aggressive DMs

>The Boots of Slighty Faster Walking
so, you just moonwalk everywhere, and can eventually hit light speed.

I fail to see where the curse is.

Checked, and beautiful. A little bit of paranoia never hurt anyone, but take that shit too far and everyone ends up dead.

The premise of this curse was given to me by a friend, based on this munchkin card.

Basically, you find a little duck statue in a dungeon somewhere. It seems valuable, maybe even magical.

Once claimed, it never leaves your possession. If you set it down, you find it in your bag later. If you give it to someone, it finds its way back to you.

If you try to explain the curse and reveal the duck to someone else, it is curiously never within your reach.

Where did it go?

The Duck does not appear at your wish, but only when it desires. If you try to retrieve it from your bag, it might not be there, but instead will be found under your pillow when you go to sleep that night. Or, on the road, you might trip over a rock, only to realize it was the duck, overturned and waiting for you to pass by.

Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear the flapping of its wings, or a distant "Quack", echoing in the night.

What does it do?

Your players will constantly speculate what it all means. They'll wonder if the duck is an incarnation of some terrible demon, intent upon their souls. Or, if it takes pleasure in driving mortals mad.

What does it do?

Nothing beyond showing up at odd times in strange places, with mild auditory hallucinations. What makes the curse so fun is the imagination of the players, because whenever it shows up, they'll be afraid something terrible is going to happen.

So, youtube.com/watch?v=yhyAm31cr2E the item. Nice.

Psychostick is always relevant.

Wait shit hang on
Guys
Multi-curse drifting

Hear me out here
>Be Chaotic Evil
>Acquire moonwalk boots of lightspeed
>Acquire Curse of A million skellos
>Everywhere you moonwalk, death and destruction lies in your wake
>Have to attempt to skid to a halt, only to drift around instead
For added effect, be a bard and refuse to play anything but Eurobeat

Wow I had no idea this existed hahaha

Perfect.

>character concept
What fucking cancer. The world doesn't bend to your wishes. Dice rolls = fate.

Last time I played DnD it was a massive JoJo shitpost.

I mean it wasn't BAD but we munched on some pavement a couple times because "lolduwang"

This was two months ago and I don't play anymore.
I refuse.

Fuck I was supposed to segway into the curse. My bad.

So basically we had this cursed photograph (fucking jojos and their pictures) that was guiding us to, you guessed it, whatever DnD equivalent the GM thought was 'Egypt'. We never made it there because this picture became our downfall and we quit.

It went like this, every time you encounter an enemy, you made a roll. This roll would fuck with your stats. Which stats? Noone knew. Apprently the description of the curse was "Duwang".
No.
Really.

So the GM did a bunch of stupid shit because noone wanted to drop the thing because of it's description alone. Including, but not limited to:
>Dropping the party's strength to 1
>Making all hits a critical no matter the roll
>Time stops (because why not)
>A character randomly drops dead
>I'm not too sure but at one point someone became a puddle I think?

And what killed us?

A roadroller.
Mothercucker roadrollered us for lulz.

He really had it in him.

I'm sorry the game isn't casual enough for you.

Curse of Mind Swapping. Party fucked with the wrong abandoned temple to a goddess with a sheogorathian streak. In short every so often the entire party would get mind swapped within the party, like some kind of adventurer roulette. It didn't help that the GM would announce a round of mind swapping by putting on a top hat and yelling Change Places!

Even with that he continued.
You know, if I used a solution like that, it's because I had no other possibilities.

Most of the times these curses are here to punish the player when he have to be punished.
I never curse a player when he doesn't deserve it.

Cursed item?
You mean perfect way to hide poisons from detection!

>fail to see the curse
user eventually they'd disintegrate from their backwards speed.

This, honesylu.

Correct. They were all warriors and stuff, but very Holier Than Thou. Like someone else said, less lawful good and more Lawful Good

more like awful good amirite?

>Players after freeing a paladin from the control of a green had decide to go after her.
>After almost dying due to her owlbear, "Herman" and a well placed fireball by the hag, they defeat her by boiling her face in her own cauldron.
>loot that shit
>find ring of size changing and set of golden armor
>goblin paladin tries give it to ranger
>ranger too pissed at hag to notice
>so goblin takes the armor, which conforms to her size.
>Makes her invincible, and advantage on all saves
>but armor class is 10.
>She cannot remove the armor
>players know something is up, but i refuse to budge.
>golden armor is "blessed" by god of avarice, and takes gold every time wearer takes damage.
>Can only be removed when you don't have gold. At that point it becomes extremely heavy and useless.
>Goblin doesn't care about money, all others do VERY MUCH.
>6 sessions later players find out, after goblin has lost over 200 gold.
>Continue to use it lose another 300 gold.
>I offer them the chance to melt down the armor and get some of their money back.
>players decide to keep armor in case of emergencies.

I always think if you're going to make a cursed item, you should make it to where it's benefits are good enough to consider the downsides.

This user has got it right. A proper, interesting curse shouldn't rely on the stupidity of the adventurers, but make them do a cost-benefit analysis of the item and decide that it is worth it to use it.

Forgot to share a curse i came up with.
>Players are asked by a town leader to find the cure for a his town which has been stricken with plague.
>Players venture out and promptly forget everything about said quest
>Weeks later they come back near the town and one of them remembers
>Says they probably shouldn't come back without the cure
>Adventuring continues until they find a statue in a cave
>Statue is wearing a crown made from the thorns of a rare plant
>Players take said crown and identify it in the nearest village
>Crown is identified as "Crown of Sympathy"
>When worn, all damage received is spread evenly among what is recognize as "the group", however the damage received is slightly higher than normal and healing is weakened.
>One player comes up with the genius idea of giving this crown to the town leader as a "cure"
>The town is mostly saved, but people still are more prone to sickness than normal.

The story isn't really that interesting, but it was fun to see the item used in an unorthodox fashion

as soon as you found out your character should have started fapping with the magic zombie hand. by the time you finished the earth would have been covered in a layer of zombies, 2 bodies thick.

I approve.

>a layer of zombies, 2 bodies thick.
Weakling.

Here it is; I forgot about the followup.

1/2

2/2

He found out that he loved giving blowjobs.

Hang on, ANY living thing? So like, plants? Bugs? Bacteria?

Well, I guess they're also stupid...

but what a way to go !

american GMing everyone !
but seriously, having a character concept doesn't mean that the world has to bend to your wishes or something, or even that you play in easy mode

this story reminded me of this